Guest Submission by Kelly Belew
I was 42 when I got sober. No one tells you that you can do that. That you can party and binge drink for half of your life, make it through way too many moments that should have killed you, and then finally hit a point where you see that this…this so-called life…was not living at all.
While living this lifestyle, I told myself that I was having a great time. I loved going out to the bar, hanging out with people I never would have if I had been sober, but who I called my PEOPLE, living dangerously, putting myself and others at risk…oh yeah, this was FUN (insert eye roll here). Waking up not knowing where I was, where my car was, this happened more often than I would like to admit. But since my life revolved around the party and being the center of attention, people envied this life, right? It was just who I was. My personality and my reputation were the girl turned woman who would just never fully grow up. I lived by the code “go hard or go home”.
I don’t ever remember committing to a Dry January in my life. I only remember committing to just enough time for the last hangover to wear off before it was time to get ready and head back out. Taking breaks wasn’t something I considered. I barely remember taking a break even after my first DUI, despite all signs pointing to there being a huge problem. By then, drugs were also integral to my story, and everything was impacted by my addictions. Relationships, my job, friendships all suffered, but I had the bar, the booze, and the blow. I didn’t need anything else. I was still operating as if all was well in my world, and somehow, I still had many folx fooled, including myself.
Time passed and I had a child when I was almost 38. My pregnancy was very healthy, and I felt better than I had in a long time. Imagine that, not partying made me feel better! I just knew that I didn’t have a “real” problem since it was so simple for me to stop drinking and using right away. This was the false narrative I sold to myself. My daughter was born, beautiful and healthy, and it was only a couple of months into her life that I had some wine at a Christmas party. This set things back in motion in terms of my drinking habits. As I expected would happen, her father and I eventually parted ways when my daughter was just over a year old, and we assumed roles as coparents, which gave me more “me” time to wreck my life again. Mid-wreckage, I got married (another futile attempt at normalcy), got depressed, started drinking more, but told myself at least the drugs were no longer a thing. But by this time, alcohol was ravaging my life. If I wasn’t partying when my daughter was with her dad, I was recovering from it or thinking about it. I started to care about myself less and less. I felt as though I didn’t deserve the people in my life. I didn’t want the life I had…or I did want it, but I didn’t know how to have it without the booze. But soon, another DUI and some serious consequences sunk me to MY rock bottom and that was when I had enough. My first day sober was July 28, 2019.
After more than two decades of addiction, I simply stopped because I knew I would die if I didn’t. I also knew that a slow suicide was not how I was going down. I had a responsibility to my beautiful little girl to be the example of the strong woman of whom I always raved about. The woman who could do it all, be anything she wanted, and most importantly, could be happy. I wanted her to see me happy. I wanted to live a long time and see her grow up. I immediately went to substance abuse counseling and worked at it this time. I tried AA, but I determined it wasn’t for me. I threw myself into journaling, running, lifting weights, and crying when no one was at home. I was healing. I was getting stronger. The shame was starting to dissolve .I was becoming who I had been all along, but the shadows were lifting. Finally, after a divorce, a move, and some more healing, I felt like a non-drinker was just who I was. This was part of my new normal. I just didn’t drink. But I also didn’t really socialize or make new friends in real life. I established a huge community on Instagram and loved it to bits, but it was, and has been, my main source of sober support. Now, at around three- and one-half years sober, things are shifting for me. What I feel like I need now looks very different than what I needed in early sobriety.
You see, getting sober in your forties (or beyond) adds some interesting challenges to the journey. These weren’t obvious to me until around year three and this was mainly because of changes I started to see in myself as a woman entering midlife. If you are here with me, or have been here already, you know what I am talking about without me even sharing. The physical changes that come are fast and furious and they have taken a huge mental toll on me. My self-esteem that I worked so hard to rebuild in sobriety has suddenly plummeted because of these changes. Party girls like me, when we are in our twenties or thirties, we are used to getting what we want. We know how to use our sexuality and typically flaunt it. Now, sober and 46, I may as well consider myself celibate and do not feel sexual. Sexuality and sobriety are something else entirely, but when I consider my saggy parts, my unwelcomed shape, and how I feel about myself now, I just don’t have the capacity to consider dating or what comes with it.
Additionally, my mental health, which was really soaring by year three sober has taken a tumble because of the hormonal peaks and valleys that come along with peri- and/or menopause. My emotions are everywhere, and this can make me feel like I am simply losing it. I have not felt like I want to drink over it, but I could see how one might have a slip in these f*ck it moments.
The fact that no one is out here talking about sobriety for women in midlife is not surprising given how society tells us we are useless once we reach a certain age. We are in the age of invisibility, and it feels like no one cares. This is a demographic that is hidden on Instagram…and, as someone who shares predominantly about sobriety there, I feel lost at times amidst my younger influencer counterparts who are choosing to get sober earlier in life. I finally hit a moment where I chose to start meshing my midlife struggles with my sobriety and I’ve gotten very vulnerable with my posts. The feedback and the comments I have seen there make it abundantly clear that we need to talk more about this. I am working on a blog to start sharing more about my journey and hope that I can somehow create community there as well as IG. As I have learned through my sobriety, we can achieve so much more when we are surrounded by others who understand. I hope if you are reading this piece and any of it resonates, that you will feel invited to reach out to me. I would love to grow alongside of you.
Kelly Belew is a single mom living in Virginia who also works as a portfolio manager as her “real job”, but her passions are writing, creating content and community on her Instagram platform @kelz_living_well and her blog of the same name. When she got sober on July 28, 2019 at 42, she had no idea just how much her life was about to shift. With sobriety came self love, but not before working through the mounds of shame and guilt associated with decades of partying. Kelly went on to create a platform on Instagram that brought sober women together, and ultimately created an online community for women both in the US and Canada. Her focus has now shifted into working towards connecting women who are working through a midlife shift in addition to all of the trials and twists that come with navigating a sober life as a middle aged human. In her free time, she loves to practice yoga, hike and walk with her daughter & dog, and read.