“Don’t date in your first year” is what I often heard many folks with long-term recovery say over the years that I tried to quit drinking. I’ll start by letting you know that is not my story.
One of my earlier attempts at getting sober ended tragically when I lost my boyfriend as a result of his relapse back into his addiction. That loss triggered an eight-month bender filled with much heartache and chaos. Once I finally stopped drinking, I knew I wasn’t ready to date yet.
However, a few months into my current sobriety journey, I had a romantic interest, and he lived in Louisville, KY. I was here in Tampa, so nothing could happen, which was good for me because it forced me to focus on myself. As I approached the one-year mark of my sobriety, I felt ready to pursue a serious relationship. Yet, when I told him what I wanted, he was not ready for a relationship, so I wished him well and let him go.
He was bothered by the fact that I decided to pursue something serious and that I was willing to move on and not wait on him, to which my response was, “If you’re not ready, someone else will be.”
So lesson one from me to you is if the person you want is not ready for you, someone else will be prepared to receive you.
Since it was time for a fresh start, I decided to try online dating and quickly learned another lesson. There was someone I matched with early on, and I purposely didn’t say anything about being in recovery. We talked for hours and had the best connection. I had all the initial butterflies of excitement and hope. As we started to make plans to meet in person, I decided to disclose about being in recovery.
His response, “My mom is an alcoholic, and I don’t want to deal with that.”
He then blocked me.
That rejection knocked the air out of me. I ugly cried for what felt like years, wondering if my recovery would be a scarlet letter of some sort, wondering if I should settle for the guy who wasn’t ready because at least he knew my story and gave me attention.
After doing some work around my feelings about this situation, I came to the following conclusion, which is lesson two: I won’t be for everyone, but for the right person, my recovery will be an asset and not a liability. I won’t feel a need to hide any part of me for the right person, neither do I need to lower my standards in dating because I am in recovery.
Once I had my mind clear, I felt ready to try again. This time I played around with my profile and how I would disclose to find what felt right and worked for me. Sometimes I put that I was “sober,” and sometimes, I wrote that I was a “non-drinker,” but one thing I did pretty quickly was disclose that I was in recovery if we got to the point of having a real conversation. It didn’t come from a space of lack, like me asking, “It is okay if I don’t drink?” Instead, it came from a place of confidence, “I’d be happy to answer questions if you have them, but just so you know, I’m in recovery, and I don’t drink, so let’s do (insert non-alcohol based date) instead of meet up at a bar.”
If I felt in my heart that a person wasn’t a good fit while getting to know them, I would let them go. Once again, I trusted in numbers. There are 8 billion people on this planet, and if someone isn’t a fit today, someone else will be later. This leads me to lesson three: There are no rules. Try different ways of sharing about your journey to see what feels comfortable for you, and if someone isn’t a good fit, someone else will be.
So here’s a quick recap of the three lessons I got in my years of dating while sober:
- If the person you want is not ready for you, someone else will be prepared to receive you.
- I won’t be for everyone, but for the right person, my recovery will be an asset and not a liability. I won’t feel a need to hide any part of me for the right person, neither do I need to lower my standards in dating because I am in recovery.
- There are no rules. Try different ways of sharing about your journey to see what feels comfortable for you, and if someone isn’t a good fit, someone else will be.
And if I can wrap up my lessons into one, it’s this: There will always be someone else, so don’t ever think you need to settle for less as a result of being in recovery.
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