In this episode:
In this episode, I explore the intricate journey of letting go, which looks different depending on where you are at in your life journey. I dive into a personal story of letting go of a romantic connection, who, after waiting for a year of sobriety to get serious with them, their response – a suggestion to “focus on your recovery” – prompted a deeper examination of what it means to work on recovery and the fear of being alone. Ultimately, today’s episode focuses on finding peace and self-worth throughout life’s transitions.
Resources:
Free Support Group Meeting for Educators
New Year’s Eve Self Forgiveness Workshop
Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Writing Classes, and Workshops
Transcript:
Jessica Dueñas: Hey, everybody, before we start. Today’s episode, 2 quick reminders reminder number one. If you are an educator, I am hosting my free support for educators. On Thursday, October nineteenth, at 8 30 Eastern Register for free on my website bottom list to sober.com. And I am hosting a new workshop called Feelings aren’t facts, and it is a self forgiveness workshop on New Year’s Eve. So find out more information also on my site, bottomless to sobercom. And with that.
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gonna go ahead and let’s get started.
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Jessica Dueñas: So first, I want to start off this week’s topic. Just with sharing this beautiful poem by Alexell from her book after the rain, and it’s from page 57, and I’ll go ahead and read it, she wrote.
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Jessica Dueñas: I’m gaining perspective from what is able to stay and finding wisdom in what has to go. Letting go isn’t synonymous with missing out.
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Jessica Dueñas: I have the power to make room in my life for shifting and joy. I am releasing what no longer serves a purpose in my journey with Grace. I will create space for change.
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Jessica Dueñas: So first, I just wanna say I really do adore Alex, else work when I first started to get sober it wasn’t actually quitlet that like carried me and inspired me and got me through. It was it was Alex l’s work. It! That is actually what I was diving into reading her work, and then also before agreements was like on repeat for me
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Jessica Dueñas: and Alex. L. There’s just something so medicinal about her words that II love going back to some of these poems that I read like way early on, and reflecting on where my life is today. And so.
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Jessica Dueñas: you know, I wanted to talk about this idea of letting go
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Jessica Dueñas: letting go. Is this really great idea? Because it can go in many directions
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Jessica Dueñas: when you first are quitting drinking right when you’re first addressing your relationship with alcohol.
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Jessica Dueñas: It’s almost like the First level of letting go is just letting go of that. The actual relationship with alcohol that you had right for so many of us. Alcohol has been there when we were happy. It’s been there when we were sad. It’s been there for literally everything right. Everything in life can eventually become a trigger that sends us off to the drink, and to break away from that, and to step towards the unknown, a life without alcohol. A life without that crutch
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Jessica Dueñas: can be incredibly scary, and we can get panic stricken. I remember I was right. I remember asking myself what happens now, and I remember almost feeling like this devastation, and the Major sinking in my stomach at the idea of Oh, my gosh! I’m never going to have a drink again.
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Jessica Dueñas: and obviously, you know, and I’ll even say it’s my clients like you don’t have to think in terms of. I’m never going to drink again. But to be honest in my situation, I had to think that way because I had gotten diagnosed with alcoholic liver disease. So for me, if I wanted to stay alive.
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Jessica Dueñas: My relationship with alcohol had to become one of permanent abstinence right there. There is no moderating for me given how bad my drinking had gotten. And so, you know, in my case, I did have to make terms or come to terms with the fact that I was never going to be able to drink again in any kind of successful manner. So yeah, absolutely. The idea of never having that comfort to lean on was scary.
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Jessica Dueñas: There were times, you all that I remember I would come home from work when I was in my active addiction, and you know my cravings were so high, and my withdrawal symptoms were so bad by the afternoon that I would swing by the liquor store grab that fifth of cheap Bourbon I’d come home, and literally, I would just like Rush to get into bed
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Jessica Dueñas: right. And I remember the same way that you might hold like a stuffed animal in your arms. That’s how I would cradle that bottle. and I would just sip on it until I, you know.
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Jessica Dueñas: disappeared in my mind right until I fall asleep. and for me.
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Jessica Dueñas: That was very, very comforting for a long time, so much so that I eventually developed alcoholic liver disease. And so I just want to recognize if anybody’s listening to this and is working on stopping.
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Jessica Dueñas: I hear you. It is very scary, and it is very hard, because I it’s like suddenly you’re ripping that Teddy bear out of my arms like what I can’t. I can’t have my Teddy bear anymore. And it’s like, No, you can’t have your Teddy bear anymore.
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Jessica Dueñas: so in the beginning it is that it is that challenging. And then.
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Jessica Dueñas: as you continue right, like, once you start hitting some milestones. Now, it’s like you’re being faced with the challenge of other levels of letting go right like. And that can be scary. Because obviously, if the first goal is to quit drinking. Now, alcohol is out of the way, and literally, the world is your oyster. In terms of like. You can develop yourself into any kind of person that you want to be right, like the opportunity for growth and self development really magnifies. And that’s scary in itself.
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And what that means, too, is that the opportunities of what you can let go of
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Jessica Dueñas: also grow right like? Now, you can really look at anything in your life and be like all right. Does this serve me? And if it doesn’t, maybe I do need to release it. Maybe I do need to let it go. And so you know this coming this month actually
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Jessica Dueñas: will be the anniversary of me, having let someone go of who I dated so, as many of you know, who have followed me or know my story. I was in a relationship during one of my earlier attempts at recovery.
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Jessica Dueñas: With a man who had passed away due to his own addiction with opiates, and after a relapse he had passed away. and I was in a complete.
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Jessica Dueñas: horribly devastated place. After his death. He died in April of 2020, and I didn’t stop drinking until November of 2020 but I would say in about around September, October, I met someone who
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Jessica Dueñas: it was long distance, so he was in Louisville, Kentucky, and I was here in Florida at this point already, but you know he had taken a liking to me, and he he did quickly become like a a what I felt was a safe person. Right? I you know I knew that he didn’t struggle with substances, so I knew that I wouldn’t have to worry about him suddenly, like turning around and like passing away on me, so to speak
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Jessica Dueñas: but you know, like he had some solid familiarity with recovery spaces because of people in his family who had recovered and overall. You know, he presented as a really solid person. And so, you know, he he got into my circle as someone who I would talk to frequently on the phone, and on occasion we visited each other, you know. Either he’d come to Florida, or I’d go to Kentucky to visit
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Jessica Dueñas: as I navigated like my very early recovery. You know. One big takeaway I had gotten from Ian’s death was that I was not going to get into a very serious relationship with someone so early on like. No, I wasn’t gonna like move in with you that fast, or anything like that.
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Jessica Dueñas: But you know I did have a romantic interest. You know, I’m I wasn’t gonna shut all that off. So you know. So just to be perfectly honest about my journey right? So you know, I always had a love interest.
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Jessica Dueñas: and as my first sober versus 3 came around right like when we got to. So I got sober. November 2020, and by November 2021, October, November, you know, my one year was coming up, and
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Jessica Dueñas: you know, as I got stronger one of the big moments of clarity that I got right in my journey was that I, though my hopes of a marriage and children, all that had kind of been dashed when Ian passed away. I had recovered enough from that to know that I did want that. I knew that I did want an opportunity at a family.
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Jessica Dueñas: and once it was, you know, almost my year sobriety. I was like, you know what I’m gonna tell. So and so I’m just gonna call him so. And so for the purposes of this episode gonna call, I’m gonna tell so and so that
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Jessica Dueñas: I’m ready to look at next steps like, II want this to be like a real solid relationship. I would love to, you know. and I did. I was super excited. I had hyped myself up. I was like, yes, finally, like I’m ready, and I’ve I’ve so patiently waited, and I’m so excited to pursue this future with this person. And when I told him that
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Jessica Dueñas: his response was you. You’ve got to focus on your recovery.
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Jessica Dueñas: And it’s funny cause I was like, what do you mean? I have to focus on my recovery. I’m always gonna have to focus on my recovery like, are you kidding me like? There’s no finish line to this like there’s no finish line quitting, drinking.
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Jessica Dueñas: And
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Jessica Dueñas: I’ve remembered that I really dislike the way those words landed on me like the way that he said it, because it felt like the words themselves sounded good, right? Like anybody telling a person a recovery like, yeah, you gotta focus on your journey.
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Jessica Dueñas: Sounds good on the outside. But when I stopped and let it sit with me, and I thought about it, and I had talked to my therapist at the time. I realized that
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Jessica Dueñas: for me it felt more like it was a cop out like it was his way of keeping me attached while still keeping me at a distance, right like.
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you know.
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Jessica Dueñas: extending this moving the goalposts, so to speak, and like extending this time period.
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Jessica Dueñas: And so, you know, like, we had had another conversation about it, and I was, and I came back, and I said, like, Hey, I understand. Like you’re right. I’m going to have to work on my recovery.
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Jessica Dueñas: But that’s something that’s always going to happen, and I can pursue my other goals and dreams while still working on my recovery, like working on my recovery, doesn’t stop me from doing everything else like. Yes, very early on it did right like. I walked away from my job and quit
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Jessica Dueñas: to get sober. But that didn’t mean that I was going to stay jobless forever. Right? Like we can take breaks from certain things to really focus on a critical, important thing like getting sober when you’re like practically dying. But at this point I hadn’t drank in almost a year. So, and I was working again. So I was like, No, I can pursue a relationship and work on my recovery like I can. I can handle that.
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Jessica Dueñas: And he was like, No, II don’t think that you you can. And that was when I realized that it sounded like I had a decision to make right. So either
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Jessica Dueñas: I follow along with what he was saying.
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Jessica Dueñas: and wait for him to tell me when I was ready for this relationship right, and remove all my agency in this and turn this over to this guy.
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Jessica Dueñas: or I take ownership. And I say, you know what I’m gonna let go of you and look for someone who isn’t going to look or use my recovery as a means to say that I’m not ready to handle certain things.
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Jessica Dueñas: and so I let him go, and that that was nerve wracking right, because, you know, after Ian had passed. I mean there was several months that I was totally on my own, but you know, like I said I met so and so come the fall of 2020.
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Jessica Dueñas: And
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Jessica Dueñas: even though we weren’t like in a serious relationship or anything, at least it was like a love interest that was sort of a distraction while I navigated everything, and the idea of going into the world with a totally clean slate as a woman with like a year of sobriety was really scary, because.
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Jessica Dueñas: you know, at least so and so. He met me while I was struggling, so he knew everything right. He had known about all my trips to rehab he had known about when I had gotten like the bipolar to diagnosis. He had known all that, and so, in a sense, I felt like. Well, if I let him go, maybe he’s the only person who will accept me how I am and has seen me struggle, and maybe no one else will want me.
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Jessica Dueñas: That’s what my brain was trying to tell me to like. Try to protect me and keep me small, and keep me in this relationship that was, gonna get me nowhere. Right? I use. I started to really doubt that anyone else would see my worth or my value. And so when I decided to let him go, it’s like I heard that fear, but I was like, No, some somebody is going to see my worth. Someone is going to value me regardless of my past in my story.
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Jessica Dueñas: So I decided to, you know, go ahead and explore.
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Jessica Dueñas: dating right and explore getting online, and all of that. But going back to the poem right?
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Jessica Dueñas: I’m releasing what no longer serves a purpose. I will create space for change.
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Jessica Dueñas: I really did create that space for change. I mean, I spent probably about another year, you know, meeting people connecting.
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Jessica Dueñas: disconnecting right? And I remember at that point I had gotten with the coach, and you know her reminder. She was like, date them all until you find what you’re looking for right. But don’t settle. Don’t settle even when your brain starts to tell you like maybe you should settle.
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Jessica Dueñas: don’t. And so and that’s literally kind of like the mindset that I would approach every time that I met somebody, if I realized that there was something about us that was just really not compatible. And if I realized that there was something about them that was really
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Jessica Dueñas: going to block me from having some of the things that I want, that I had to let them go. I had to let them go, and it was so scary and so uncomfortable each time. But today I’m in a place where
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Jessica Dueñas: I have peace. I’m in a place where have a sense of family?
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Jessica Dueñas: I’m in a place where there’s really all sorts of potential right and all sorts of hope that has been brought back. And so
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Jessica Dueñas: just a reminder, right like, you can absolutely create space for change. And you can welcome the things in your life that you’ve always been wanting to, but you do have to be ready to let go of whatever’s holding you back right, whether it’s something as not simple, right? Cause. Alcohol is mighty and powerful as hell, but whether it’s something like alcohol, like a substance, or a person, or a job, or a place right?
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Jessica Dueñas: it’s so important to be ready to let those things go. And it’s so
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Jessica Dueñas: so wonderful to be in a space with someone who doesn’t use my recovery as a metric of my worth. Right? I don’t plan on drinking again, but if I did drink tomorrow, I know that my current partner wouldn’t use that as something to hold over my head.
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Jessica Dueñas: Right? II never want my my worth to be measured by the length of time that I have sober, because even the person who is actively drinking today and struggling with their addiction, is worthy of love, and is worthy of peace, and is worthy of stability. We are deserving
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Jessica Dueñas: of peace always. That’s not conditional.
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Jessica Dueñas: And so with that, I hope that you all have a wonderful week. I will talk to you soon. Thank you so much.
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