In this episode:
As we navigate the ups and downs of personal relationships, deciding to go no-contact with someone can be challenging. I discuss factors to consider before making this decision. In this episode, we’re digging into what might happen if you choose this path – the freedom it could bring and, possibly, the regret.
Resources:
Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops
Transcript:
Hey, everyone, on today’s episode I wanted to talk about the idea of going no contact with people, specifically family members. This came up recently in a conversation with a one-on-one coaching client, because we talked about the fact that I have a brother that I’m basically no contact with, and so we talked a little bit about my decision to go no contact and I thought that it would actually be helpful to talk about that here and also kind of give you all a framework for which to help you think about this really incredibly difficult and personal decision. So, in my case, there were a lot of expectations that I felt that my brother placed on me. To give you context, right, let’s do a little bit of a backstory. We have a 17-year age gap. We were not raised in the same home. He is my mother’s son, not my father’s, and so by the time I was growing up, I was never around him. He was in the military and once he married and had children, I never really was around those nieces specifically my niece and then my sister who I was raised with and you have all heard me talk about her on this podcast. We did grow up together. She was basically like a third parental figure. As she grew, got married and had children, I was already kind of in close proximity to her children or, with her being so much older than me because she wanted me to be around her, she would take it upon herself to fly me out as a kid to go spend and stay the summer with her.
02:00
And so early on there was this investment in the relationship with me for my sister’s part, that I did not necessarily have with my brother and I didn’t think critically of it at all until adulthood, when several issues came up where I was held to an expectation that I wasn’t aware existed. And when I was in my 20s it really bothered me when I felt like I was not doing the right things as a sister. I felt like there were times that I felt short of a standard that was set for me but that I had never consented to, and it wasn’t really until I got sober that I realized that. Oh wait, I’m trying really hard or I’m stressing myself over meeting these relationship expectations that replaced on me that I never agreed to and I’m just going to opt out. And I mean, there’s so much more detail to add to that, which you’re more than welcome to reach out and invite me to have a personal conversation. I’d be happy to flush things out with you if you’re really curious about your situation. But that’s overall what it was, that I was entered into an agreement or an expectation for how I should be acting as a sister when I realized that the only thing we have in common is a common mother, and that was really it. And so I realized with my sobriety that I could not continue to invest in a relationship where I did not agree to the expectations that were being put on me, and so, essentially, we have pretty much gone no contact since then.
03:47
Anyway, the point is is that when you make a decision like that, right, you have to really slow down and think about what. Could the future outcomes be right? Deciding to go no contact with a person is not an impulsive decision that you just make in the heat of an argument, in the heat of the moment. It’s a decision that you make because you realize that this person is not contributing to your life in any way. That’s positive, and, if anything, they are depleting, right, they’re taking away from your life. I mean there’s general circumstances where going no contact would make sense, right? I mean just to kind of name a few. Obviously, if someone is abusive to you, if someone is incredibly toxic towards you, right, like, if they’re being emotionally manipulative, if they are engaging in toxic behavior that is harmful to your wellbeing, you might need to distance yourself, right.
04:48
And again, I have examples of things like that that I went through, that I realized that I was again driving myself crazy, worrying about meeting these expectations that were placed on me that didn’t resonate with me, I didn’t agree to. Or you might have an example of someone who’s, like, repeatedly violating your boundaries. Right, that can be problematic as well, because if you have communicated clearly to a family member what your limits are and they continue to disregard those limits and ignore your needs and ignore what you need to be at peace and happy, that may be a sign that you need to go to no contact. But again, when I say that they’re repeatedly violating your boundaries, a super important question for you to ask yourself is have I actually set them, or is it a boundary that’s in your head that has never been communicated. Because, I always say this, people are not mind readers, so you have to make sure that folks know exactly what your limits are.
05:52
Now let’s see if let’s go into the next part. You might have a family member who is setting off issues of, like, unresolved trauma. Right, if you’re interacting with a family member and you are going into some sort of flashback mode, right, that your mental health is actually negatively being impacted because suddenly you, you are stuck in a trauma response. Right, like you are a flight, right or not right, fight, flight, breeze or fawn. Right, that may be a sign that you might need some distance. Because, also, a sign that you probably need to see a licensed mental health professional. Right, because you’ve got to focus on some healing and sobriety.
06:33
Right, if you are struggling with your own addiction issues and you have a family member who is not supporting your need for sobriety, that can be a sign that you might need to create a boundary and create some distance between you and this family member, right. But again, what I always tell people is have you expressed to this family member how they can support you? Because if you haven’t given them the opportunity to support you properly, how do they know right. So, again, some of these things really do depend on your own communication, like you need to be making sure that you’re verbalizing to your family member exactly what you’re needing or not needing, what you want and don’t want, and if they’re not showing up for you in how you’re explicitly saying so, then yes, by all means feel free to go ahead and create that distance. If you have a family member that you’re always fighting with, I mean, you know it’s fair to create that distance, right? What is there to be gained from living a life of constant conflict with someone? It’s not good for your nervous system, it’s not good for your body, it’s not good for your relationships to constantly be in these back and forth situations. And for what right? There’s nothing to be gained there. So if you really cannot resolve these issues, if you have maybe brought it to like a neutral third party, like a counselor, a family counselor, and there’s still no progress there, that may be a cause to go no contact.
08:00
If you have had someone who is like, repeatedly betraying you, right, let’s say it’s somebody. I had someone one time who had a sister that kept trying to flirt with the different people that she would date, right, and it’s like the first time that it happened, not okay, but they had the conversation and again that limit, that boundary was set that if I’m bringing a guy home, I expect you to talk to him professionally or not professionally, but, you know, amicably but not flirtatiously and the sister continued to violate that. So you know what? There was a need for some space there and ultimately, even in some cases, right Like, there might be some just straight up, irreparable differences between you and a family member that if you are not able to sit peacefully with them at, like, the dinner table because of these differences, it may be worth considering creating some space.
08:55
However, so, now that we’ve kind of talked through these, there’s a couple of things that are super important for you to consider before you cut someone out of your life. Like I said, it has to be a very carefully thought out decision. Because I say this if, in the future, something were to happen to that individual, right, let’s say that person is no longer alive you are going to have to be able to be at peace with the fact that your relationship with that person ended well before their departure from this planet, right Like if you hear news that this person has departed, are you going to be okay looking at yourself in the mirror and recognizing that you decided to stop talking to this individual? If the answer is yes, then that gives you your answer right. But if you know that you would not be able to live with yourself, then you might need to reconsider going no contact before you end up doing something that’s going to be a massive source of regret for yourself and self anger right. But if, down the line, you’re stuck in a position where you are needing some sort of support, are you okay with never going to this person for support whether it be emotional support or financial support right. Are you okay with completely cutting that tie off? For some people, they absolutely are, and for others, they realize that that is not a bridge that they are quite ready to burn, and so these are incredibly important things to consider.
10:39
Anytime that I have made the decision to go no contact because I’ve done it with several people in my life I have made peace with the fact that if something were to happen to them tomorrow, I would be okay with what our relationship Looked like or didn’t look like, because it’s ended right, and I also made peace with the fact that I know that I could be literally on fire and and I will not go to them to ask them to toss a bucket of water on me, right?
11:10
And so it’s so important to have that clarity, and this is such a heavy and difficult decision that I I never recommend for anyone to take it lightly, right? And so, again, whether it’s that you are consulting with trusted people whose advice is Sound advice, whether you are working with a licensed mental health professional, whether you are working with a coach I am a live coach you can schedule a consultation with me, right? Whoever you are working with, make sure that they Are a non-biased third-party person to really help you navigate that conversation, because going no contact can be a great source of freedom or it can be a massive source of regret, and this life is hard enough. We don’t need to be living adding regrets to our daily experiences. So, with that, thanks so much for listening this week and I will catch you next time.
12:07
Hey, if you are enjoying what you are listening to, I invite you to subscribe and share the podcast, but also go to my website, bottomless, to sober calm and find out other opportunities to work with me, from free workshops to Writing classes to one-to-one life coaching opportunities. You can schedule a free consultation for that. Everything is available at bottomless to sober calm. See you then.
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