“You don’t sound like you’re from New York! Where’s your accent?”
Y’all, this question used to send me into an internal rage. In the past, I’d stuff those feelings in and would politely smile and chuckle, “Oh, I don’t know.”
The other day, however, was not the day for a giggle. Someone asked me where I was born and raised, and I answered. Brooklyn. I lived in the same two-family home on Nichols Avenue from the day I was born until I was 27 and moved with my ex to Louisville.
I got the same response, “You don’t sound like you’re from New York! Where’s your accent?”
Instead of just quietly feeling uncomfortable and insecure, I simply said what was true for me.
“I’m not Italian. I’m Latina.”
The person responded, “Oh, right,” and then we went back to their day.
Someone who studies language, accents, and dialects can give a much better response here, but here’s what I know: those New York accents that everyone obsesses about are real but not true for everyone. You’ve got to pay attention to WHO is speaking that way in media, and the stereotype is typicaly someone of Italian descent; it’s usually not folks who look like me. The friends I grew up with, people I went to school with, my sister, we don’t talk like that.
So, why am I sharing this?
Because in general, it’s helpful to examine the stories we tell ourselves about someone based on the little information they choose to give us. We have a certain “mind map” of what people “should” be like, sound like, and act like based on whatever prior information we’ve got. The second someone doesn’t fit into what we think they “should” be like, rather than giving ourselves the space to accept new information, we try to make this person fit into what we know (usually limited information.)
If someone tells you they are from somewhere, don’t question it.
If someone tells you how they identify, don’t question it.
If someone tells you they don’t drink, don’t question it.
If someone tells you something about themselves, let it be.
Allow yourself to be curious and learn something new about a fellow human.
Reflect – How can you practice genuine curiosity and respect for others’ experiences and identities, without imposing your own assumptions or expectations?
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