Unraveling the Confidence Myth: My Journey from Self-Doubt to Self-Acceptance

“i want to apologize to all the women i have called beautiful

before i’ve called them intelligent or brave

i am sorry i made it sound as though

something as simple as what you’re born with

is all you have to be proud of

when you have broken mountains with your wit

from now on i will say things like

you are resilient, or you are extraordinary

not because i don’t think you’re beautiful

but because i need you to know

you are more than that”

― Rupi Kaur

Confidence is not something I was born with, nor was it something I was taught to have. Growing up, the message I received—both at home and from society—was clear: as a little girl with a complicated relationship with food, I was only acceptable if I was thin. From a young age, I found myself in a relentless battle with my body, constantly trying to mold it into something it wasn’t.

As a young woman, I took drastic measures, undergoing weight loss surgery in the hopes that it would finally give me the self-esteem I desperately craved. I believed that if I could fit into the narrow box defined by societal standards, confidence would naturally follow, and life would become easier.

But reality had other plans. Food had always been my comfort, and after the surgery, when food was no longer an option, alcohol quickly took its place as my go-to escape from life’s stressors. My body changed, but my mindset did not. I hadn’t done the internal work needed to believe I was worthy, and despite the weight loss, I remained trapped in a cycle of self-doubt, still feeling not good enough.

This mindset led me to settle into unhealthy romantic relationships. I would tell myself things like, “What if Keith is the best I could do?” even after catching him with another woman. Or, “Maybe Matthew will do better this time,” ignoring the fact that Matthew knew better all along but chose not to change.

The shame surrounding my growing addiction to alcohol kept me silent, further cementing the false belief that I was not enough. Even though I earned accolades like being named the 2019 Kentucky State Teacher of the Year and the 2019 Woman of the Year in the Louisville community, these honors meant nothing when I looked in the mirror.

It wasn’t until I found the courage to let myself be fully seen—owning the fact that I was a woman battling alcohol addiction—that my confidence and self-esteem began to blossom. Speaking openly about my addiction not only led me to the resources I needed to get and stay sober, but it also gave me the strength to walk away from anything that didn’t serve me—jobs, relationships, and any space where I didn’t belong.

I finally understood that I didn’t need to force myself to fit into any mold—whether it was a societal expectation or a toxic relationship. With the clarity that comes from an unclouded mind, the old narratives lost their power.

Embracing my recovery from addiction became the foundation for building my confidence and self-esteem.

Reflect: What do you need to foster your confidence and let it grow?


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From Good Girl to Strong Woman: The Power of Speaking Up

I recently came across a powerful message from Dr. Nicole LePera (you can follow her on Instagram) that I shared with a group of sober women. Here it is:

Reminder for recovering “good girls:”

  1. You can stand up for yourself and let someone know you won’t tolerate certain behaviors.
  2. When someone is rude, you don’t need to laugh it off or pretend it’s okay.
  3. “I don’t find that funny” lets people know that joke didn’t work for you.
  4. You’re not too sensitive because you express how you feel.
  5. If someone doesn’t accept your answer, it’s not a cue to keep explaining. It’s a sign they don’t respect boundaries.

While all these points are important, I want to focus on the first one about standing up for yourself.

At a doctor’s appointment this week, a medical assistant went to take my vitals. I noticed the blood pressure cuff she was using was too small for my arm and mentioned it. She dismissed my concern, saying it was fine. When the reading came back high, I knew something was wrong since my blood pressure has been normal since quitting drinking. I spoke up, insisting by saying, “I need my blood pressure taken with a cuff that fits my arm. That is not my blood pressure. I check it myself in the mornings at home.” After some reluctance, she found a larger cuff and retook my blood pressure, which then showed a normal reading.

This experience reminded me that medical professionals, despite their expertise, are human and can make mistakes, making it crucial to be an active participant in our own care, rather than just a passive recipient.

Before sobriety, I often let others dictate what happened next in our interactions, even if it wasn’t what I wanted. My secret addiction to alcohol made me feel unworthy of defending myself. Convinced that I didn’t deserve protection, whether it was with family, friends, romantic partners, or even in medical settings, I let others’ voices override my own.

Recovery has helped clear the fog that once clouded my mind, allowing me to reconnect with my body and find my voice. Sobriety empowers us to actively participate in our interactions, whether with loved ones, colleagues, or professionals. It helps us listen to and trust ourselves again.

Remember, your voice matters, and you have the right to stand up for yourself.

Reflect: How has standing up for yourself evolved? Is this a strength of yours or is this something you are still working on?


Upcoming Opportunities

Life Coaching Let’s work on the stories you tell yourself, together. Schedule your free consultation here!

Six-Week Writing for Healing Program. Join the waitlist for the next round here here!

Free Writing for Healing WorkshopAccess here 

Podcast Listen to the Bottomless to Sober Podcast. Episodes 1-53 are live! Episode 52 features NYT Bestselling author, Jessica Lahey!

Subscribe below to get these posts in your inbox in the future.