September 2024 – Bottomless to Sober

“the battle is over

i’m done fighting myself

stressing over what i’ve done

or what i should have done

simply does not help

i want to see myself without pointing fingers

to move forward with grace

to see mistakes as lessons

and allow them to improve

my future actions

instead of being attached to the past

i want to peacefully connect to the present”

-Yung Pueblo

This ongoing fight we often find ourselves in goes beyond what this poem alone can express. It’s not just about wrestling with the person we used to be, especially in our case when we drank—the mistakes, the regrets—but also with the uncontrollable forces that shape our lives.

Take this past week, for example. Hurricane Helene brought devastation across the southeastern U.S., and living here in Tampa, near the bay, meant anxiety set in quickly as soon as the news buzzed about a potential hurricane moving up the Gulf of Mexico. I had a plan for my week, but in an instant, that plan no longer mattered. Almost mockingly, I could hear my mother’s voice echoing: “Uno pone y Dios dispone” (we make plans, and then there’s God’s plan).

As the county’s evacuation order rolled out, the frustration bubbled up inside me. The heat of resentment was almost palpable—toward Florida’s climate, what felt like a slow response, even the inconvenience of leaving home. Why can’t evacuation be a calm, organized process instead of this panic? I thought while hurriedly packing Cruz’s things—his food, bed, bones, and snacks—under his watchful gaze.

What I missed this week was an important reminder: it’s crucial to let go of attachment to things we can’t control. Peace comes when we can release that grip. Until we do, we’ll keep fighting—not just against ourselves but against the world around us. My week would have been much easier on my body if I had leaned more on that, but I’ll give myself grace as I’m only a human, and hurricanes are incredibly stressful and terrifying events.

Reflect:
When was the last time you found yourself in a struggle against something out of your control? How do you catch yourself and bring yourself back?

Want to Explore More on Control?
I have a worksheet on letting go of what’s out of your control and an episode from the Bottomless to Sober Podcast on control. You can find both linked here.

Upcoming Opportunities

Book Study on the Book of Boundaries. Starts October 3 with The Luckiest Club. Register here.

Life Coaching Closed for new clients until 2025, but click here to learn about my coaching services!

Six-Week Writing for Healing Program. Join the waitlist for the next round here here!

Free Writing for Healing Workshop. Access here

Podcast Listen to the Bottomless to Sober Podcast. Episodes 1-53 are live! Episode 52 features NYT Bestselling author, Jessica Lahey!

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Fear. What a beast.

Before I quit drinking, fear had me in its grip. It wasn’t just a passing worry—it was the invisible thread pulling every string in my life. I lived with the constant dread that my secret relationship with alcohol would be exposed, so I masked it by excelling in every other area. I was always the first to arrive at work and often the last to leave. No deadline was missed, no project detail overlooked. No matter how sick I felt from last night’s drinking, I powered through the hangovers, desperate to keep up the illusion that everything was fine. That fear—of being found out—was stronger than any withdrawal symptom.

I’ll never forget the day one of my students, Zavion, blurted out, “Ms. Dueñas, you smell like alcohol!” He said it with the carefree honesty only a middle schooler can muster, smiling as if he didn’t realize the weight of his words. I quickly turned away, my stomach knotting with anxiety, hoping he’d be distracted soon by the chaos of the classroom. While Zavion probably forgot the comment in minutes, I carried it with me, a stark reminder that I was always walking on the edge of exposure.It wasn’t until later that I realized the most dangerous part of my life wasn’t the fear of being caught—it was the fact that I was slowly killing myself in silence. I had a choice: either keep living in fear or face the truth and reclaim my life. For me, that meant going to the extreme and writing an Op-ed that went viral, spilling my truth to the world. But not everyone has to go that route.

If you’re keeping this deadly secret to yourself, know this: you don’t need to broadcast your struggles to the world, but opening up to someone can make all the difference. That one conversation could be the difference between isolation and support, between feeling lost and finding hope.You just need to tell someone—one person who can support you. That simple act can transform your journey from isolating in fear to finding real help.