Month: February 2025

Link to Spotify

In this episode:

In this episode, I shares my personal journey with addiction and the painful realization that no amount of love or intervention can save someone struggling with addiction—only the individual can choose to change. Drawing on my own experiences and a listener’s inquiry, I explain that while setting healthy boundaries is essential for those who support someone in recovery, self-care must come first. Ultimately, recovery is an inside job and that while support is available, the decision to heal must come from within.

Resources:

Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops⁠⁠

⁠Atomic Habits Book Study With The Luckiest Club⁠ – Starts February 6

⁠Six-Week Writing to Heal Program – Starts March 3⁠

Transcript:

00:04 – Jessica Dueñas (Host)
Hey all, today I want to talk about the idea of trying to save the person you love who is struggling with their addiction, because I’ve got news for you you cannot save them right. Here’s the thing earlier last week I think it was I received a message from a woman whose significant other is struggling with his own addiction and essentially the core of her message and inquiry was how could she get him to stop? We can’t right, and it hurts to just say that back to her, but essentially that is what my message back to her said. Right, they’re like. I get it.

00:40
It is so painful to watch someone struggle with their own battle. I remember in 2020 when I was with Ian and he was struggling with his addiction and he started to relapse on opiates, which were his drug of choice. I remember it was like grasping at straws. I had called his mom, I called his then sponsor, I hid stuff from him, I threatened with leaving him, I threatened with kicking him out of the house. Right, there were all these different things that I thought that I could do to somehow control the outcome, to somehow get the addicted person to drop their addiction. For me, as if I was so powerful and I learned very quickly upon his departure from this earth that there was nothing, nothing that I could have done. It was on him and unfortunately he was not in a place to stop. So I told this woman who reached out to me that that she can’t make her significant other stop drinking, that that choice has to come from within, from him, right? And so what do we do in these situations? How do we support those loved ones? How do we support ourselves? Right? Because here’s the thing.

01:55
The truth that I have learned in my journey is this we cannot love people into sobriety. We cannot love people into doing anything that we want them to do, right? I wish that love could have saved me from addiction. I wish that my sister, who practically raised me, could have loved me sober. Ignore that, sorry, that alarm that popped off. You know, I wish that. The people who had cried over me and begged me to stop drinking, you know, especially in 2020, when I was struggling so much, I wish that they could have protected me from myself. But their love, it wasn’t enough, right? Their calls, their concerns. None of that was going to change anything. It had to come from me, and that’s the truth.

02:44
The only person who can save someone who is struggling with addiction is the person with the addiction. I had to learn that the hard way right. I really thought that I could have saved Ian, and I couldn’t. I simply couldn’t, and even with my own sobriety, like I said, my sister tried so hard, but she couldn’t save me. My friends couldn’t save me. No one in my family, no one outside of me was going to be able to come and stop me from drinking. If love alone was enough to fix addiction, I would not have needed to go into treatment, because I’ve always been loved by others. You know, if willpower was enough to get me sober, I wouldn’t have again gone to treatment, I wouldn’t have spent years drowning in alcohol.

03:35
But recovery doesn’t work like that. It is absolutely an inside job, and so, yes, if you’re the one who is struggling with the addiction, you’re not going to be able to get out of it. You’re not going to be able to get out of it. You are the one who is empowered to change your life. The moment that you decide to take that step towards recovery, what you will find, however, is a community of people who are willing to walk beside you. There’s so many different places that you can go to for support, where someone, without knowing you, will a hundred percent have your back, simply because they understand exactly what it is like to walk in your shoes and struggle with a dependence to a substance. So there is 100% a life waiting for you on the other side. You are absolutely worthy of it.

04:17
But again, you need to understand no one is coming to save you. No one else can save you but yourself. But once you get started on that journey, do you need other people? Absolutely, doing it alone is incredibly hard. However, if you’re listening to this and you happen to be someone who loves someone that is struggling, you have to understand that you cannot save them. Your situation. You can absolutely set boundaries that protect your own peace. You can absolutely love this individual without enabling them no contact with the person who is struggling with their addiction so that they then can spiral even further and feel like they have even fewer things to live for. Right, definitely not saying that.

05:16
Are there cases where you’re going to have to go no contact because the person with the addiction is a risk to you or your family or your loved ones? Absolutely, there are times when that is the case, but if that isn’t the specific situation that you are in, then you don’t need to go to that extreme. But what you can do is set boundaries right, because what a boundary is? A boundary is a limit that teaches other people how they may stay in your life right. So, instead of going no contact, you can let the person know, with the addiction, what is okay or not okay for them to do around you and then, if they’re able to uphold that and stick to that, then that’s how you can show love, that is how you protect your peace, that is how you practice and protect what your limits are. But again, you can go no contact if you need to. If it’s a matter of protecting your peace, protecting your safety, protecting, say, your family, your home, your property, your career, do what you need to do. But you can offer them support as long as you’re not sacrificing yourself.

06:23
And the biggest thing that you always want to remember when you’re dealing with someone who struggles with addiction is that reminder, offering it to them that when they are ready, that help is out there, right. That when they are ready, you are willing to offer certain supports right. At the end of the day, they don’t have to go through the recovery journey by themselves, but you do have to protect yourself and your limits. So, at the end of the day, whether you are the one who loves someone who is struggling or whether you are the one who is struggling with the addiction, you’re not alone. Right? Addiction touches so many families in one way, shape or another, and so please remember that recovery is possible. There absolutely is hope. But while you’re holding out with the hope, right Like while you’re waiting for that miracle, remember that you are number one and remember to protect yourself, because if you aren’t taking care of you, there’s absolutely no way that you can be there for your loved one who is currently struggling.

07:32
So that is all I wanted to share with you all today, Food for thought. If you have any thoughts, any feedback, any tips that have worked for you and you want to reach out and share those, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me by email or on socials. I would love, love, love to engage more on this topic. It is definitely a difficult one. It’s a heartbreaker, for sure, when we wish that we could just love someone into doing the best thing for themselves and, the end of the day, they’ve got to save themselves. Thanks y’all, until next time.

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In this episode:

Valentine’s Day once amplified my feelings of lack and low self-worth, fueling my drinking and poor relationship choices. In this episode, I share how alcohol blurred red flags in dating and the moment I first admitted, “I think I might be an alcoholic.” Sobriety gave me clarity—red flags stay red now. Let’s reframe this season as a reminder of what we do have: self-worth, clarity, and choice.

Resources:

Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops⁠⁠

⁠Six-Week Writing to Heal Program – Starts March 3⁠

Transcript:

00:03 – Jessica Dueñas (Host)
Hey everyone, welcome back to the podcast. So this weekend, at the time of this recording, it is Valentine’s Day weekend and if you are anything like how I used to be, this time, this day, or Valentine’s Day weekend, et cetera, it might not bring up the warm, fuzzy feelings of love and connection you know. Instead, it might bring up painful reminders. It might bring up feelings of lack, feelings of lack of worth, and if you are in that space, I get it because I have totally been there For years. I let Valentine’s Day reinforce this idea that I was missing something and that that I wasn’t enough. Um, you know, I kind of carried that feeling anyway, but Valentine’s day kind of really put it, put a bright spotlight on it, right, like you go on social media, you see all these messages of love. Um, I have always worked with students, whether K through 12 or higher ed. So you know, everywhere I go, you know I see all these like balloons and flowers, and you know I see all the works happening Right and so convinced that I wasn’t enough. You know, even when I would have like these accolades and these external wins, so to speak, like winning teacher of the year, that still didn’t do anything for my, for my sense of self-worth, right Winning teacher of the year while drinking a fifth of alcohol a day, it just it didn’t help me any with my self-worth, especially when it came to dating and romance. I remember shortly after winning my teacher of the year award, I did what so many of us do who struggle with addiction, and that was still rushing into things and doing anything that I could to fill the void. When I went one teacher of the year, I had just gotten out of a relationship where there was a big betrayal that happened and I was left heartbroken and devastated and instead of taking that time right to work on myself to heal, I was just jumping into anything that I could to fill the void. And so alcohol filled the void, but so did romance, right. So did men. And so you know, it was just like, man after man, with dating, one disappointment after another.

02:22
What I noticed that would happen with alcohol is that alcohol would really help me ignore the red flags that would come up while dating these people. Alcohol would not just help me ignore the flags, but alcohol would actually almost erase them for me entirely, or just totally change their color, right, so that I could tell myself a brand new story, and I could convince myself that whoever I was seeing that it was okay. So the red flags they suddenly became pink, maybe even beige on occasion, and that was the impact of alcohol on my dating experience when I lived with low self-worth, right, I mean, I was so embarrassed y’all. I was so embarrassed by the men that I would let into my life. I was embarrassed about what it would say about me, and so I drank. I drank alone, I drank with them. It really didn’t matter. I would just drink to avoid facing the reality of who I was giving my time to, who I was giving my body to, who I was giving my energy to. There was one person in particular. We’ll call him Thomas.

03:35
After dating for a few months, we took a weekend trip to New York and we actually stayed at his brother’s house or apartment, because most people in New York really have apartments, and this brother of his actually was not a drinker, so there was no alcohol in the house. And so that weekend my drinking was suddenly limited. At this point I was already drinking a fifth a day, just for context as to how much I was drinking. So when my alcohol consumption was suddenly limited by the day of like not having alcohol, my body completely revolted. Right, I was telling myself that I had a stomach bug because I spent. You know, I was basically attached to the toilet, either stuck sitting on the toilet or stuck facing and looking down into the toilet. But deep down, you all, I knew what was really happening. I knew the truth. I was in withdrawal and the only cure was more alcohol. When I finally got my hands on some, I felt a million times better, until the buzz wore off and that sickness it just came back. It returned by the end of that trip.

04:48
You know we, we went back to the airport and we were going to fly back to Louisville this is when I live in Louisville, kentucky. And you know I had, finally, you know, whispered something to this. You know, quote, unquote Thomas, that I had really never said out loud before. You know this was in the months leading to my, the beginning of my recovery journey. And you know, quote, unquote Thomas, that I had really never said out loud before. You know, this was in the months leading to my, the beginning of my recovery journey. And you know, I, I whispered and I said I think I might be an alcoholic Right. And here’s the thing. The reason why was because we get to the airport right and again.

05:22
What I was starting to connect this weekend that I was in New York was that, when my buzz was starting to fade, I was starting to get violently sick, and so the only thing that helped me feel better was alcohol. We get to this airport I forget if it was LaGuardia or Kennedy and I go straight to the bar to buy a drink, but it was an early morning flight and none of the bars in the airport were open yet. They weren’t serving anything. When I tell you that I was driven to tears to see that the bar was closed because I was horrified at how sick I was about to feel, knowing that I had to get on a plane and fly, that was the moment when I uttered those words, right when I could suddenly just whisper, like I think I might be an alcoholic. To be fair, just FYI, at the time of this recording, 2025, I don’t use the term alcoholic to describe myself. I prefer alcohol use disorder or a person with an addiction. I like people first language. But you know, back in 2019, when this was happening, I wasn’t informed and I just use the term alcoholic just for context, but anyway. So I finally whispered and like, admitted, like I think I might be one, I think I might be an alcoholic. But here’s what happened with this guy Again, going back to these red flags turning beige or pink, right, this guy, you know, fake Thomas, because his real name was not Thomas, but we’ll use that name.

06:44
He like barely looked up at me and he was just, you know, he was on some. No, babe, like if you were really an alcoholic, you wouldn’t be doing all the amazing things you do, because, of course, at this time I had become the teacher of the year, I had been doing all these big things. So, of course, on the outside I looked amazing. And why would anyone believe that I struggled with an addiction? Right? So, you know, when I brought it up to him, he totally dismissed it, not to mention the fact that he also drank like a fish. But he pretty much was just like no, you can’t possibly be an alcoholic. Look at everything that you’re doing, look at your resume, look at, look at all that you offer to others. So he was just like yeah, we’re going to relax and get a drink as soon as we get back to Louisville and you’ll feel better.

07:27
And again, going back to those red flags turning beige and pink, I was like, yeah, sure, you’re right, you know. I let that logic of his soothe me, I let that logic of his erase the truth that I didn’t want to admit. This truth was bubbling up a little bit, just a little bit, and him saying, no, you can’t be an alcoholic, because look at all that you do. That was enough to pop those little bubbles surfacing, coming to the surface. And so you know, for the rest of that flight, I just rested my head on his shoulder.

08:01
I did my best to ignore those knots that were so painfully twisting inside of me and I just kept telling myself I just have to get through the flight, I just have to get through the flight, then we will stop, go to the liquor store on the way home and I will be fine. And so this is what I was settling for, you all in terms of relationships. I was settling for someone who ignored the fact that I raised a major concern about my health and my well-being. I think I’m addicted to alcohol was like, well, you’re fine, we’ll get you some more. What if they had been a different substance? What if I had said I think I’m addicted to crack cocaine, or I think I’m addicted to heroin? Would he have said okay, well, we’ll just go get some on the way home, you’ll be fine. Remove the alcohol and put in some other substances, and you can see how wild it is that this person took my concern and just wanted to offer me more. It makes no sense. So, anyway, I really was willing to settle for anyone, because my self-worth was so low that, no matter what I was accomplishing in the world, I was settling for anyone, as long as I didn’t have to be alone, okay.

09:21
But here’s the thing about sobriety it doesn’t just take away the alcohol, right, it doesn’t just take away the drinking, but it gives you back your clarity, right. So now, today, for me, my red flags, they stay red, right. When I see that in another person, I see it and there’s nothing suddenly fading it away, there’s nothing suddenly making it pink or beige. They stay the same. And for the first time, thanks to sobriety, I just see people for who they are. And so I started to realize that my self-worth, it couldn’t come from relationships, that my self-worth can’t come from achievements anymore, and it can’t come from the next big title. It has to come from me, it has to come from within.

10:15
The other thing that sobriety granted me, right, was learning that love, real love it’s not going to be found in the bottom of a bottle, and it’s not going to be found in someone who doesn a bottle, and it’s not going to be found in someone who doesn’t truly respect me or care for my health and wellbeing, right. It’s not going to come from someone who’s going to offer me a poisonous substance. That’s it period. So if today, if this season, if this weekend, if it feels like a reminder of what you don’t have, if it feels like a reminder of a low sense of worth or lack, let me offer you a different perspective.

10:54
Okay, this time, sobriety, let it be a reminder of what you do have, because you do have your worth, you do have your clarity and you do have the power of choice, right. For as long as you are alive, for as long as you are breathing, you are empowered to make better decisions every single day, even if it’s small, little decisions. And so you have your choice to no longer settle for anything less than what you deserve. And so, before we wrap up, I want to leave you with a question to reflect on, and that is what is one red flag, whether it’s in relationships, friendships or even in yourself, that you once ignored but now you can see clearly, especially if you are sober.

11:42
So take a moment, sit with that, reflect on it and if you feel like sharing, find my email, send me an email, tag me on social media. I would love, love, love to hear from you. But with that, friends, thanks for listening. Happy Valentine’s day and remember to choose yourself, even in your partnership, even if as a part of a community. Again, we don’t live in isolation. But remember to choose and prioritize yourself first, and everything else falls, falls in line. Thanks y’all. Take care, catch you on the next one.

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In this episode:

How we see ourselves shapes the choices we make every day. In this episode, I dive into the game-changing concept from James Clear’s Atomic Habits: the power of identity-based habits. I share how fully embracing the mindset of “I’m a non-drinker” can become a turning point in anyone’s sobriety journey—helping me push past societal pressures and self-doubt.

We’ll explore how shifting your self-perception can make or break your personal growth, and why the key to lasting change isn’t just about what you do, but who you believe you are. Plus, we’ll discuss why there’s no one-size-fits-all approach and how to create strategies that truly resonate with your unique path.

Resources:

Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops⁠⁠

⁠Six-Week Writing to Heal Program – Starts March 3⁠

Transcript:

00:03 – Jessica Dueñas (Host)
Hey everyone, great to have you this week. I wanted to talk a little bit about identity and how identity can impact the decisions that we make and the habits that we’re trying to build. Now this conversation realistically, it’s inspired by the fact that I am currently leading a book study for the community of the Luckiest Club, and we are specifically talking about James Clear’s book Atomic Habits right and one. I’m going to pull two quotes from the text and, yes, you might hear baby noises in the background because my baby’s asleep while I’m recording this but I’m going to pull two quotes from Atomic Habits for your food for thought as a listener today. So the first quote from his book is research has shown that once a person believes in a particular aspect of their identity, they are more likely to act in alignment with that belief. And then the second quote is that every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity. So here is the thing Identity does play a huge role in shaping our actions In terms of recovery right and the sobriety work that we do if we see ourselves as someone who is struggling to stay sober or someone who is trying to quit drinking, we might unconsciously act in ways that actually continue to reinforce that struggle, right? A perfect example might be let’s say we have two different people and both of them are working on a sobriety journey. One of them believes that they are a non-drinker and the other one they just believe that they’re trying to quit drinking. And so they both go to dinner or a happy hour with friends or colleagues, right, and each of them is offered a drink. The person you know, james Clear, would say that the person who identifies as a non-drinker, they would literally sit there and say no thanks, I don’t drink, right. But then you have the person who is trying to quit drinking, who identifies as trying to quit, and what they might say is oh, I’m, I’m trying to quit, right, or maybe I’m doing a 30 day 30 day like the whole 30, or I’m doing I’m taking some medication right now, so I can’t have any alcohol right now. So, in terms of what is more effective, what is more likely going to get you to successfully actually stay a non-drinker, it would be the person’s attitude who is just like no thanks, I’m not a drinker or I don’t drink. It’s confident, it’s clear, it’s concise. It gets that point across.

02:50
Oftentimes, when we sound kind of waffly in our messaging, when we sound unsure of a no, what other people might try to do is find solutions for us, right? If, for example, you’re saying, oh well, I’m not trying to drink right now because I’m working on a new health habit, or you know, I’m doing a 30-day cleanse, or something like that, the people that you’re with can easily respond with a solution for you, right? They can say oh well, girl, you can start this tomorrow, it’s okay, you know it’s Saturday, you can start this on Sunday, right? Or if you’re saying that you’re doing it, say, for weight loss not that I advocate for like weight loss, but you know, if you’re saying that you’re doing it for that kind of a reason, again someone could just jump in and say oh, you’re fine, you can do it tomorrow. However, when you identify as a non-drinker and you state that clearly to other people I’m not a drinker there’s not really anything that they can do. Oh, let me change your identity for you. No, no one is going to say that. And so when you state very clearly that who you are is a non-drinker, that message comes across very, very strongly. And so, yes, when you start to believe that I am a non-drinker, or I am a sober person, or you know I’m someone who prioritizes my wellbeing, it is much easier for our actions to start to align with that identity.

04:12
Because, basically, what James Clear argues in Atomic Habits is that when you try to have outcomes-based habits first, right. When all you’re focusing on is specifically the behavior I can’t drink, I’m not going to drink, I’m going to abstain it’s going to be harder for you, as opposed to just saying I’m a non-drinker. Again, there’s just that confidence at the core of that. That really helps all the decisions radiate from there. Right, you can use a guiding question what would a non-drinker say? What would a non-drinker say? What would a non-drinker do? What would a non-drinker drink here? Right, and that really helps the person move and navigate the different situations.

04:52
What I will pause and say, though, at this moment is however you get sober, you know it really doesn’t matter. So if you, right now, are listening to this and you are making up all sorts of little lies to the people around you just to avoid drinking alcohol, fine, right, like if you have to say that you’re doing a 30-day cleanse, or if you’re saying, oh, I’m extending my dry January into February. Whatever you need to do, that is working for you. Keep doing it right. The purpose of this is not to shame the people who are not being direct. It is not to shame you if you are still not comfortable with openly identifying as a non-drinker right. But what this is pointing out to you is that it might make your life a little bit easier if you do identify as a non-drinker right. If there is a little swag in your step when you say that you don’t drink. It will probably make your life easier. But again, if right now, what is working for you is, you know, sort of doing the little delicate dance around how you express this to other people, it’s totally fine, right.

06:00
Again, it takes what it takes. Everyone’s journey is different and no matter what you do to get sober, you are always going to learn really powerful lessons about every decision that you make and every action that you take. Lessons about every decision that you make and every action that you take. So, whatever you’re doing, pause, soak it in and learn from it, because it’s going to give you valuable experience that will either help you later on or it can help you help someone else later on. So carry on. But again, food for thought there, but anyway.

06:29
So just going back to again this idea of the non-drinker right, when we’re a non-drinker and then we choose not to drink, you know we’re setting these clear boundaries with ourselves and for others. We are showing up for ourselves Again, we’re showing up for that identity that we are holding on to, the non-drinker identity. And so we are. We’re doing that vote, casting right. Going back to that quote every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. Every time we’re identifying as a non-drinker and we’re taking action according to that identity, we are casting that vote. We’re building up that evidence. We’re building up that proof that look at all the things that I do to show that I am a non-drinker. It’s not a single moment that’s defining us right. It’s not our sobriety date that identifies us as a non-drinker. It’s all the different things that we do that build that evidence for that new life.

07:27
And so you know things to think about. How has your sense of identity shifted since working on sobriety? Do you identify as a non-drinker or are you still someone who’s trying to quit, a drinker who’s trying to quit. Think about the votes, right? What actions have you taken to support being a non-drinker? So, if you are currently in a space where you are struggling with your actual sobriety, maybe you’re getting a couple of days, then you’re drinking again, et cetera.

08:01
Think about that. What are your actions looking like? Maybe it’s time to take stock and write out all the different things that you do throughout the day to set you up, to see what you need to change, so that it looks like what a non-drinker would do. And then also, let’s say you are already practicing this idea of I am a non-drinker. Maybe you are having that little nasty voice that we all have in our heads, right, it might be creeping in and trying to tell you that you’re not right, trying to tell you like, oh, but you just drank a couple months ago. What do you mean? You’re not a drinker, right? So how can you remind yourself is built by your actions, right? And it’s not built by perfection, right? Progress, not perfection.

08:45
And then the last question for you to think about is what new identity are you working toward in your recovery? So, beyond the non-drinker part, is there anything else that you are hoping to be. So again, maybe you are the person who prioritizes your well-being, and how can you reinforce that in your daily habits? So I’ll share a little bit about some of my thoughts on some of these questions. So for me, you know, my sense of identity has absolutely shifted to I don’t drink, I’m a non-drinker, and you know the votes that I’ve cast in that direction. I mean, mean it’s, it’s included.

09:22
You know, earlier on in my journey, um, I was careful about where I went. So, in terms of the votes, right, the places that I went to were places where I was not going to be tempted to drink. Right, because I wasn’t trying to have to use a lot of willpower, so to speak, to avoid alcohol. So life was much easier if I was in places where practicing being a non-drinker was easy. So, opting for coffee shops versus bars right, when I was dating. Opting for dates where we could go get coffee, go on a walk, instead of doing a date that was like at a bar, at a happy hour, for example.

09:58
Whenever that negative voice creeps into my head, which it still really tries to, even today, right, I literally will pull out my journal and write a list of things that counter that voice. I’m very visual, you know, self-talk can be great, but for me I need to see the self-talk in action. See the self-talk in action. So sure, I can try to self-talk about certain things, but I need to see on paper the evidence that counters any negative voice in my head. And then, in terms of other new identities that I’m working toward in my recovery at this time, I would say probably, since obviously I just had a baby right, a big identity like I am a mother.

10:42
But I have decided that I define a good mother as one who nurtures and protects and provides guidance, and this is pretty much kind of following Kelly McDaniel’s framework from her book Mother Hunger. And so how do I know that I’m being that good mother Right? And it’s that I have to write down the different things that I do for my daughter. So far, I mean, she’s only a seven week old baby, but you know, if she’s crying I pick her up and I comfort her, right? I’m not like letting her just cry things out. I’m not subscribing to the narrative that I’ve been told in my culture that you know, you just have to let a baby cry, otherwise they’re getting spoiled. I’m like, just had to let a baby cry, otherwise they’re getting spoiled. I’m like, uh, I’m sorry, a seven week old doesn’t look like they can conspire to do much, so I’m going to pick up the baby when the baby is crying and that’s that right. So, um, there’s that nurturance piece, for example.

11:34
But again for you, I’ll read these questions again and please go grab a journal or just sit and reflect on these. How has your sense of identity shifted since choosing sobriety? What small votes have you cast recently that align with the person you want to be? When self-doubt creeps in, how can you remind yourself that your identity is built by actions and not perfection? And lastly, what new identity are you working toward in your recovery and how can you reinforce it in your daily habits? So it’s a lot of good stuff to reflect on. Again, life and I highly recommend reading the book Atomic Habits by James Clear but seriously, practicing actions and transforming your habits becomes much easier when you identify as a person who does these things, as opposed to just this desperate grasp for having these outcomes, for having these behaviors. So again, thanks so much for listening and I hope to catch you in the next episode.

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Link to Spotify

In this episode:

Can joy and grief coexist? In this episode, I reflect on welcoming my daughter, Amara, while mourning my mother, Amable Rojas Vargas. From her journey from Costa Rica to Brooklyn to the complexities of our relationship, I explore the beauty in duality through the lens of sobriety and recovery.

I also dive into the grip of fear—how it shapes our choices, from plane crashes to everyday risks—and the dangers of isolation. Let’s navigate these emotions together, finding strength in connection and shared experiences.

Resources:

Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops⁠⁠

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⁠Six-Week Writing to Heal Program – Starts March 3⁠

Transcript:

00:00 – Jessica Dueñas (Host)
Hey everyone, happy February. Well, I mean, I hope it’s a happier month than last month, but we’ll see. Right, we don’t control the future. So there’s two things I wanted to talk about in today’s episode. First, I wanted to talk about fear. I do have baby. I’m wearing the baby, so if you hear little sounds, that’s what you’re hearing in the background. But I wanted to talk about fear and I wanted to talk about my mom my mom. I’ll talk about her a little bit first and then I’ll talk about fear. So, just in a personal announcement, I think if you’ve been listening, you know that I delivered my baby girl on Saturday December 21st. Amara was born. Saturday December 21st.

00:44
Amara was born and five weeks later, on January 25th, my mother, amalia Rojas Vargas, passed away. She was 85 years old. She had been living, had gone back to live in Costa Rica since 2016. She was that’s where she was born and raised and she immigrated to the United States when she was about 30, maybe 31 years old and she had moved to Brooklyn in the early 1970s where she met my dad and then she eventually had my sister and then, way down the line, 1985 had me. I was totally unexpected.

01:20
She always tells me this funny story where she was 45 when she was pregnant with me and she was not trying, and so I guess when she was pregnant and her period didn’t come and then she was having all these symptoms, she wasn’t feeling good. So she goes to the doctor in Brooklyn and the doctor was a Cuban doctor, so he spoke Spanish also, and she apparently had told the doctor like I think I’ve la menopausia, like I think I’ve got menopause or I’m premenopausal, et cetera, and I guess the doctor probably did a urine test, right. And then essentially he comes back in and he’s like señora esa menopausa tiene patitas, you know, saying like ma’am, that menopause that you think you have has little feet. And she always, especially in her last years, you all, she loved telling me that story over and over and over again, right, as her like memory declined, that story like really anchored her whenever she saw me and she loved telling that story to other people. She just loved, loved telling people how she thought she was going through menopause.

02:26
And then, surprise, there came little Jessica, right, little Jessica who grew to be like five foot nine, over 200 pounds, you know, and my mom is tiny, my mom was tiny, she was barely five feet tall, so you know we had a sizable size difference, but anyway. So the thing with her right is that she was such a complex human being she was. I promise you, she was the most complex human being that I ever loved, ever, ever loved. And what I’m so grateful for in terms of recovery and the work that it takes to stay sober over the period of years, is that we can really recognize the beauty of the duality in things. Right, I often say and in many recovery spaces you hear people say two things can be true at once. A hundred percent the case here, right, because for me in this postpartum period, not only have I gotten to experience the immense joy of having this beautiful little girl that’s like latched onto me all the time, right, and I’ve also lost my own mother, and so there’s that joy and that grief that get to coexist and remind me that being a human is complex period. But then my mom herself was such a complex human being, right, I have so many beautiful memories with her and it breaks my heart. I will never hear her crack another joke. I will never hear her say that story again, y’all. I will never hear her imitate that Cuban doctor telling her that her menopause has little feet, never will get to hear that through my ears again. I have very curly hair. I have ringlets, tiny little ringlets, and my mom has pretty much like wavy, straight hair and she used to love just touching my curls, right, because it’s just such a different texture compared to her hair. I will never have a human being touch my hair with that same affection that she touched my hair with. Now I will get to do that to my daughter. You know I will get to tell her little stories. I will get to touch her hair. You know I will get to do all those things, but I will never get that done to me again and that hurts so much. On the flip side, right, I have these beautiful memories with her and I have some difficult memories with her.

04:56
If you’ve listened to my story, we I’ve been honest about how you know my mom had. You know my mom accepted societal norms, which many people do. Right, most people live in a space of accepting societal norms because most of us we don’t sit there and analyze if something really is like in alignment with us or if it’s not right. Your average person is just kind of going through the motions, like they’re told that this looks good and they’re like, yeah, that is beautiful, okay, I’m going to go for it. And you know, my mom was one of those people. My mom accepted European beauty standards.

05:28
So growing up there were comments made about my skin tone. Sometimes I needed to stay out the sun If my hair was doing a little too much. We had to go to the Dominicans I get it straightened out with some major heat and like relaxer and all that. And then especially body size, right Again, my mom was five feet. She was petite, tiny, tiny, slim woman. I am five foot nine and I weigh 200 pounds now Right.

05:52
And when I was younger I was even bigger and so that was not okay with my mom. She was worried for me in her mind that you know a, I mean, you know the narrative that you can’t be healthy at every size. But then to this idea that I wasn’t beautiful because my body wasn’t small and I was taking up too much space, and so I dealt with a lot of fat chaining from her. And again, am I pissed at her for it anymore? No, because I’ve done the work to realize that again she was operating out of like what was the best that she could do, and I can now do better, right. So I know what not to do with my daughter, for example. But again, my mom was complex and at the time when I was young, yeah, all that hurt. And so, yes, eventually, right, I ate to feel better and then, eventually, when I had access to alcohol, the alcohol made me feel a lot better too, until, surprise, the alcohol didn’t. I became addicted to it, and here we are right in recovery now, years later. Here we are right in recovery now, years later.

07:00
So I say that to hold space for the fact that there is this duality in so many of us too, right, and when we can see the beauty in it as opposed to just blatantly harshly judging the negative, there can be a lot of growth there. Right, again, the negative side of my mom. I see exactly where it came from and I’m not faulting her for it. I’m not knocking her for it, right, she didn’t have an opportunity because she was too busy working and trying to survive, being an immigrant in a country that can’t stand her right To really do much reflection and personal growth. So I can’t knock her for that. But you know what I have the privilege to do that personal growth and to do that work and that reflective piece so that I don’t have to, you know, put my daughter through some of those same things. But that’s the gift that I have from my mom, having worked so hard that I got to have some privileges. What I also do want to recognize, though, is that there are some people where there is no duality to be seen, and so I just want to have that kind of like as a sidebar for anybody who maybe has had a parent that was abusive, right, or completely like, only caused harm. I want to recognize that someone like that, there, there is no duality, there’s no duality to them, right, and so if you are hearing this and you’re like, no, there’s no way I can see a positive to my parent because of X, y, z, totally fine, right? I’m just offering my reflections on my mother and my experience with her as a parent, so I just wanted to really share that about her.

08:46
I encourage you to reflect on in terms of just dealing with grief if you have dealt with any loss right. First, I want to recognize grief is not always just after the death of a person. You can experience grief in just simply the change of a lifestyle right. There may be pain in letting go of alcohol, for example. There may be pain in letting go of certain habits or certain people that did not serve you while you’re doing this work of growing yourself. So, in a time of grief, how do you show your strength right and what can you learn about yourself in this process of shedding? So definitely, think about your own resilience and, you know, recognize the tools that you might already be having. You know you might you probably have some tools to help you navigate.

09:38
The other quick thing that I just wanted to mention before jumping off today is I wanted to talk a little bit about fear. So again, 2025 has been wild. It is only at the time of this recording, it’s only February 1st, and things have been incredibly heavy, incredibly difficult, and the headlines this week, especially with travel, with air travel, are terrifying. Right, there have been two plane crashes in the last few days and for some of you, you may have a trip coming up and you’re thinking like man, I really need to go ahead and just cancel this trip because it’s not safe to fly. I’m always going to say you need to do whatever you need to do to feel safe in your body, because if you are not feeling safe in your body, a lot of things are not going to be working in your favor. Right, it’s hard to make good decisions when you’re feeling terrified. When you are in fight or flight mode, or even fawning mode. You are not making the healthiest or best decision. So if deciding to not travel is the mood for you, go for it. Is the mood for you, go for it.

10:39
What I do want to offer is just that reminder, though, that when, when the news gets scary, when the world is falling apart, right, what can we do to protect ourselves mentally as well? Because the first thing that happens for some of us, for many of us, when these headlines pop up, is that we automatically insert ourselves into that headline. So if there was again, for example, the Washington DC incident with that plane collision with the helicopter, we’re automatically putting ourselves in that situation and we’re assuming that it’s going to happen to us next. I’m not saying it’s impossible, right, anything is possible, but what are the actual chances that it will also happen to you? And I think that that’s an important thing to reflect on, right, because here’s the thing for so many of us.

11:32
The reality is is that traveling in a car is way more dangerous than actually setting foot on a plane and flying. And yet so many of us, on a daily basis, we get into our vehicles and we drive somewhere. And I’ll even add that maybe you yourself are not the one driving, because maybe you do have some anxiety and you don’t like driving right, or maybe you have a DUI and your license got taken away so you can’t drive, so you’re not the one driving the vehicle. But even then you might be setting foot in a vehicle that someone else is driving, and so that’s even less control that you have over the situation, because now you’re trusting someone else with your safety and your life, getting into a car where, statistically, driving is more dangerous than flying. I point that out to say that we still trust the process and we still get into these cars and we still go right, despite the fact that driving is more dangerous than flying. Why? Because we can’t stop our entire lives and stay locked up in our homes and not go to work or not go to school or not go to the grocery store or not go to our appointments, right, we can’t just suddenly not do these things for the most part. So we just trust and we get into these vehicles and we basically put our lives on the line on a regular basis, but we still do it and we don’t even think about it. Or maybe we do, maybe we do think about it a little bit.

12:54
So my offering there is that, the same way that you have that energy to get into the car and keep going is go, continue your trips. Don’t cancel. Don’t cancel living your life because of the news headlines, because the only person that that is hurting is you. Right, it’s almost like when I have told people in the past you know when the world is falling apart, and sometimes the instinct to drink kicks in. The reality is that doing that drinking does not fix the world’s problems. It doesn’t make anything better for you. If anything, it’s hurting you. That’s the same thing when you remove yourself from things that you’re looking forward to, when you lock yourself up in your home right, you are only hurting yourself.

13:40
And what works for me? But it only works based off, you know, belief systems, right, and if you have a different belief system, this might not work for you, but I’m of the belief system that I I’m confident that when it’s my time, it’s my time and there’s literally nothing that I can do to push off whenever that time is going to be, to push off whenever that time is going to be, and I’m pretty confident that whenever my time comes, it’s not determined by a power on this earth, and I’m pretty confident that it’s determined by something much greater than me or you or anything else that’s going on systems, the government, et cetera. And I share that with you if it helps you, because that is how I help, that’s how my nervous system stays regulated, when I trust that whatever’s going on is beyond my control and that I stand to not gain anything from removing myself from the human experience. It isolation is a really difficult thing to deal with you all, and isolation hurts us incredibly, incredibly. So the next time that you are thinking of isolating yourself, removing yourself from the world’s experiences, you can right. If again, if it’s going to help regulate your nervous system, do what you need to do, but also just remember at what cost are you doing this? And is it like? Do you stand to gain anything from removing yourself from living life at this point? Because in a sense, it’s almost like you’re you’re. It hurts, it really hurts, to isolate yourself and be removed from the world. So, anyway, I’m about to just go off into a ramble, so I’m going to use that as a hint to just stop.

15:29
I offer you this affirmation and hopefully it lands with some of you, and Amara does too. She’s starting to grumble here on my chest. But the affirmation is I allow myself to feel the full depth of my emotions. I do not walk alone. I am supported, loved and strong.

15:51
Even if you don’t have an immediate personal connection right now that you feel like you can turn to and go to, I want you to understand that someone else on this planet is feeling whatever you are feeling, and if you close your eyes and just remind yourself of that, that someone else has the same or similar experience to you, that can really help. And the best way to find someone else who’s having a similar experience to you is to open your mouth and and share with someone, just one other person. Even if they don’t know exactly what you’re going through, they can say I hear you. They can say that sounds hard and maybe help point you in a direction for support. So with that, you all, I will catch you in the next episode. Sending you so much love. Take good care of yourselves.

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