In this episode:
How we see ourselves shapes the choices we make every day. In this episode, I dive into the game-changing concept from James Clear’s Atomic Habits: the power of identity-based habits. I share how fully embracing the mindset of “I’m a non-drinker” can become a turning point in anyone’s sobriety journey—helping me push past societal pressures and self-doubt.
We’ll explore how shifting your self-perception can make or break your personal growth, and why the key to lasting change isn’t just about what you do, but who you believe you are. Plus, we’ll discuss why there’s no one-size-fits-all approach and how to create strategies that truly resonate with your unique path.
Resources:
Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops
Six-Week Writing to Heal Program – Starts March 3
Transcript:
00:03 – Jessica Dueñas (Host)
Hey everyone, great to have you this week. I wanted to talk a little bit about identity and how identity can impact the decisions that we make and the habits that we’re trying to build. Now this conversation realistically, it’s inspired by the fact that I am currently leading a book study for the community of the Luckiest Club, and we are specifically talking about James Clear’s book Atomic Habits right and one. I’m going to pull two quotes from the text and, yes, you might hear baby noises in the background because my baby’s asleep while I’m recording this but I’m going to pull two quotes from Atomic Habits for your food for thought as a listener today. So the first quote from his book is research has shown that once a person believes in a particular aspect of their identity, they are more likely to act in alignment with that belief. And then the second quote is that every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity. So here is the thing Identity does play a huge role in shaping our actions In terms of recovery right and the sobriety work that we do if we see ourselves as someone who is struggling to stay sober or someone who is trying to quit drinking, we might unconsciously act in ways that actually continue to reinforce that struggle, right? A perfect example might be let’s say we have two different people and both of them are working on a sobriety journey. One of them believes that they are a non-drinker and the other one they just believe that they’re trying to quit drinking. And so they both go to dinner or a happy hour with friends or colleagues, right, and each of them is offered a drink. The person you know, james Clear, would say that the person who identifies as a non-drinker, they would literally sit there and say no thanks, I don’t drink, right. But then you have the person who is trying to quit drinking, who identifies as trying to quit, and what they might say is oh, I’m, I’m trying to quit, right, or maybe I’m doing a 30 day 30 day like the whole 30, or I’m doing I’m taking some medication right now, so I can’t have any alcohol right now. So, in terms of what is more effective, what is more likely going to get you to successfully actually stay a non-drinker, it would be the person’s attitude who is just like no thanks, I’m not a drinker or I don’t drink. It’s confident, it’s clear, it’s concise. It gets that point across.
02:50
Oftentimes, when we sound kind of waffly in our messaging, when we sound unsure of a no, what other people might try to do is find solutions for us, right? If, for example, you’re saying, oh well, I’m not trying to drink right now because I’m working on a new health habit, or you know, I’m doing a 30-day cleanse, or something like that, the people that you’re with can easily respond with a solution for you, right? They can say oh well, girl, you can start this tomorrow, it’s okay, you know it’s Saturday, you can start this on Sunday, right? Or if you’re saying that you’re doing it, say, for weight loss not that I advocate for like weight loss, but you know, if you’re saying that you’re doing it for that kind of a reason, again someone could just jump in and say oh, you’re fine, you can do it tomorrow. However, when you identify as a non-drinker and you state that clearly to other people I’m not a drinker there’s not really anything that they can do. Oh, let me change your identity for you. No, no one is going to say that. And so when you state very clearly that who you are is a non-drinker, that message comes across very, very strongly. And so, yes, when you start to believe that I am a non-drinker, or I am a sober person, or you know I’m someone who prioritizes my wellbeing, it is much easier for our actions to start to align with that identity.
04:12
Because, basically, what James Clear argues in Atomic Habits is that when you try to have outcomes-based habits first, right. When all you’re focusing on is specifically the behavior I can’t drink, I’m not going to drink, I’m going to abstain it’s going to be harder for you, as opposed to just saying I’m a non-drinker. Again, there’s just that confidence at the core of that. That really helps all the decisions radiate from there. Right, you can use a guiding question what would a non-drinker say? What would a non-drinker say? What would a non-drinker do? What would a non-drinker drink here? Right, and that really helps the person move and navigate the different situations.
04:52
What I will pause and say, though, at this moment is however you get sober, you know it really doesn’t matter. So if you, right now, are listening to this and you are making up all sorts of little lies to the people around you just to avoid drinking alcohol, fine, right, like if you have to say that you’re doing a 30-day cleanse, or if you’re saying, oh, I’m extending my dry January into February. Whatever you need to do, that is working for you. Keep doing it right. The purpose of this is not to shame the people who are not being direct. It is not to shame you if you are still not comfortable with openly identifying as a non-drinker right. But what this is pointing out to you is that it might make your life a little bit easier if you do identify as a non-drinker right. If there is a little swag in your step when you say that you don’t drink. It will probably make your life easier. But again, if right now, what is working for you is, you know, sort of doing the little delicate dance around how you express this to other people, it’s totally fine, right.
06:00
Again, it takes what it takes. Everyone’s journey is different and no matter what you do to get sober, you are always going to learn really powerful lessons about every decision that you make and every action that you take. Lessons about every decision that you make and every action that you take. So, whatever you’re doing, pause, soak it in and learn from it, because it’s going to give you valuable experience that will either help you later on or it can help you help someone else later on. So carry on. But again, food for thought there, but anyway.
06:29
So just going back to again this idea of the non-drinker right, when we’re a non-drinker and then we choose not to drink, you know we’re setting these clear boundaries with ourselves and for others. We are showing up for ourselves Again, we’re showing up for that identity that we are holding on to, the non-drinker identity. And so we are. We’re doing that vote, casting right. Going back to that quote every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. Every time we’re identifying as a non-drinker and we’re taking action according to that identity, we are casting that vote. We’re building up that evidence. We’re building up that proof that look at all the things that I do to show that I am a non-drinker. It’s not a single moment that’s defining us right. It’s not our sobriety date that identifies us as a non-drinker. It’s all the different things that we do that build that evidence for that new life.
07:27
And so you know things to think about. How has your sense of identity shifted since working on sobriety? Do you identify as a non-drinker or are you still someone who’s trying to quit, a drinker who’s trying to quit. Think about the votes, right? What actions have you taken to support being a non-drinker? So, if you are currently in a space where you are struggling with your actual sobriety, maybe you’re getting a couple of days, then you’re drinking again, et cetera.
08:01
Think about that. What are your actions looking like? Maybe it’s time to take stock and write out all the different things that you do throughout the day to set you up, to see what you need to change, so that it looks like what a non-drinker would do. And then also, let’s say you are already practicing this idea of I am a non-drinker. Maybe you are having that little nasty voice that we all have in our heads, right, it might be creeping in and trying to tell you that you’re not right, trying to tell you like, oh, but you just drank a couple months ago. What do you mean? You’re not a drinker, right? So how can you remind yourself is built by your actions, right? And it’s not built by perfection, right? Progress, not perfection.
08:45
And then the last question for you to think about is what new identity are you working toward in your recovery? So, beyond the non-drinker part, is there anything else that you are hoping to be. So again, maybe you are the person who prioritizes your well-being, and how can you reinforce that in your daily habits? So I’ll share a little bit about some of my thoughts on some of these questions. So for me, you know, my sense of identity has absolutely shifted to I don’t drink, I’m a non-drinker, and you know the votes that I’ve cast in that direction. I mean, mean it’s, it’s included.
09:22
You know, earlier on in my journey, um, I was careful about where I went. So, in terms of the votes, right, the places that I went to were places where I was not going to be tempted to drink. Right, because I wasn’t trying to have to use a lot of willpower, so to speak, to avoid alcohol. So life was much easier if I was in places where practicing being a non-drinker was easy. So, opting for coffee shops versus bars right, when I was dating. Opting for dates where we could go get coffee, go on a walk, instead of doing a date that was like at a bar, at a happy hour, for example.
09:58
Whenever that negative voice creeps into my head, which it still really tries to, even today, right, I literally will pull out my journal and write a list of things that counter that voice. I’m very visual, you know, self-talk can be great, but for me I need to see the self-talk in action. See the self-talk in action. So sure, I can try to self-talk about certain things, but I need to see on paper the evidence that counters any negative voice in my head. And then, in terms of other new identities that I’m working toward in my recovery at this time, I would say probably, since obviously I just had a baby right, a big identity like I am a mother.
10:42
But I have decided that I define a good mother as one who nurtures and protects and provides guidance, and this is pretty much kind of following Kelly McDaniel’s framework from her book Mother Hunger. And so how do I know that I’m being that good mother Right? And it’s that I have to write down the different things that I do for my daughter. So far, I mean, she’s only a seven week old baby, but you know, if she’s crying I pick her up and I comfort her, right? I’m not like letting her just cry things out. I’m not subscribing to the narrative that I’ve been told in my culture that you know, you just have to let a baby cry, otherwise they’re getting spoiled. I’m like, just had to let a baby cry, otherwise they’re getting spoiled. I’m like, uh, I’m sorry, a seven week old doesn’t look like they can conspire to do much, so I’m going to pick up the baby when the baby is crying and that’s that right. So, um, there’s that nurturance piece, for example.
11:34
But again for you, I’ll read these questions again and please go grab a journal or just sit and reflect on these. How has your sense of identity shifted since choosing sobriety? What small votes have you cast recently that align with the person you want to be? When self-doubt creeps in, how can you remind yourself that your identity is built by actions and not perfection? And lastly, what new identity are you working toward in your recovery and how can you reinforce it in your daily habits? So it’s a lot of good stuff to reflect on. Again, life and I highly recommend reading the book Atomic Habits by James Clear but seriously, practicing actions and transforming your habits becomes much easier when you identify as a person who does these things, as opposed to just this desperate grasp for having these outcomes, for having these behaviors. So again, thanks so much for listening and I hope to catch you in the next episode.
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