In this episode:
You ever have a conversation that immediately sets you off? Like, your whole body tenses up, your heart starts racing, and suddenly, you’re 10 years old again? Yeah, same. In this episode, I’m sharing a personal story about my late mother, a comment about my body that sent me, and what I wish I had realized in the moment.
Resources:
Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops
Transcript:
00:00 – Jessica Dueñas (Host)
Hey everyone, welcome back. Today we are diving into a topic that honestly affects all of us, whether we realize it or not, and that is the fact that we all have values and they all impact us. Have you ever had one of those conversations that, just a hundred percent like set you off? Like you feel the heat rising in your body, you feel your heart racing, you feel your breath picking up speed. Those types of conversations can often be set off because of our values. I mean, I have 100% been there, so I’ll share a moment with you.
00:34
Actually, one of them that had me completely heated, and it was a conversation with my dearly departed mother. At the time, you know, we were talking about body image or, honestly, we were more so arguing about it, right, you know she had looked at me it was one of my last visits to Costa Rica and you know, she, just out of nowhere, was just like oh, you know, like you would look better if you lost a little weight and despite all the work I’ve done, y’all, like the second, she said that you know my whole body tense, my heart started to pound and you know I just felt anger like boiling up inside of me. Right, it’s like, despite the fact that I was in my late thirties, you know, boom, that comment gets said and in my body I feel like I’m 10 years old again. You know hiding food from her. You know the way that I eventually did with alcohol. And I definitely snapped back at her and I was like, why do you care? Why is this so important? I was just so frustrated. I had spent the last year or so again just unlearning all the toxic messages about weight and beauty that society and my own family and my own mom had ingrained in me. I’d worked so hard to kind of push back against those standards, but still when I hear those words I’m just transported right back to age 10.
01:51
But here’s the thing, what I didn’t consider in that conversation, right, that for my mom, beauty and thinness it wasn’t just about looks, right, for her it was about respectability in her world. Right, in her world it was about self-worth. My mom, she grew up in Costa Rica and in that country and in so many other westernized places, right, a women’s value was very much tied to how she looked, and my mother was born in 1939. So think about the decades that she was like an adolescent, and we’re talking about the 1950s, right, and so she was taught that to be beautiful, to be thin, was a way to achieve success. It was a way to secure a husband. It was a way basically all the different pathways to success came from how you looked what.
02:46
What I needed to recognize right is I did not need to agree with her, and though she wasn’t trying to hurt me, she was essentially just passing down what she was taught, wasn’t trying to hurt me, she was essentially just passing down what she was taught, and so I can recognize okay, that’s what she’s been programmed with. I don’t have to accept it, I don’t have to agree with her, but if I had taken at least a second to recognize that that was what she valued and the why behind it, I might’ve been able to respond with more understanding with my mom, instead of just being purely frustrated. Because the second she said those words, right, I became the 10-year-old. I was the one who was pissed off. I immediately made it all about me right, instead of looking at it from the bigger picture. Again, I’m not saying that that thought process is right or that it’s okay or that I agree with it, but I probably could have saved my body from some stress. So you know, this got me thinking.
03:41
How often are we clashing with people because we just don’t understand the values that are behind their words? Right, I am back to coaching one-on-one, and when I coach my clients, one of the first things that I have them do is a values assessment. It’s a simple but super powerful exercise to get clear on what matters to them, because our values, they shape everything. They shape how we see the world, the assumptions that we make about other people and also how we show up in tough conversations. Again, imagine being in a tough conversation and thinking why the hell don’t they understand where I’m coming from? That is probably because your values are playing a big role in the conversation. So, for example, if independence is one of your top values, you might assume that people should handle their struggles on their own, but if community is something that is more important to you, you might assume that asking for help is just what you do. Here’s the thing Neither one of these is right or wrong, but these assumptions do impact how we engage with other people, and I see this all the time, especially in sobriety coaching.
04:48
So I’ll give you a couple of examples. So let’s say that a family member offers you a drink, right, they do it repeatedly. If you value respect, you might assume that they are pushing your boundaries on purpose. But if you are someone who values traditions, you might look at their insistence on you offering drinks as someone who is just trying to connect with you based off traditions that have been passed on in families. Or another example might be that your friends you got sober and now your friends have stopped inviting you out. If you value connection, you might assume that they have abandoned you, right, Like, oh my gosh, the world is ending, my friends hate me, et cetera. But if you value responsibility, you might assume that your friends are respecting your sobriety and so they’re not going to invite you out to drink with them. Or you might recognize that it falls on you to reach out to them and set the tone for how you will or won’t hang out with them.
05:46
The last example that I have here is maybe you’re feeling judged when you share about your sobriety, right? If you are a person who values vulnerability, you might assume, like everyone should just openly like, receive your sobriety story with you, know, big smile, open arms and the same level of openness back to you. But if you’re a person who values privacy, you might assume that they’re uncomfortable with you being so vulnerable, right? Or if you’re someone who really values privacy, you might not be the one who’s actually openly talking about your sobriety. You might just say I don’t drink or I’m not drinking right now. You might be one of those folks, right?
06:27
So what happens when we do challenge these assumptions? What if that family member who was offering you a drink wasn’t trying to disrespect you, but they just didn’t know how to connect in a different way with you? What if your friends weren’t abandoning you? Right, but they were just waiting for a signal from you that you still want to hang out even though you quit drinking? What if the judgment you think you’re feeling is actually just their own discomfort with something they don’t understand when you’re talking about your sobriety story, right?
06:58
So one of the biggest things that I’ve learned, both in my recovery and again through coaching other people, is that being flexible with our assumptions can change everything your values. They don’t have to change, not necessarily, but even then recognize that your values can change as you go through different life experiences. Right, we are humans. We don’t stay in one stuck format. So your values can change, but they don’t have to. But when you do pause, when you do question the assumptions that you are making as a result of your values, and when you get curious instead of defensive because I got defensive with my mother Right you create space for better conversations and deeper relationships. You create space for better conversations and deeper relationships.
07:43
So, the next time that you are in a tough conversation, try asking yourself these questions. One what values are influencing how I see this situation? And if you need a values assessment, check the show notes. I will link a values assessment there. Number two what assumptions am I making about the other person’s intentions? Number three how can I reframe my perspective to create more understanding? So using these questions can help you in terms of just reducing your stress in terms of engaging with other people. Right, it can help strengthen your relationships and make some of these tough conversations so much easier to navigate.
08:28
So if this hit home for you, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Please don’t hesitate to reach out through socials. Send me an email about what resonated with you the most. Also, if you’re interested in diving deeper into this work, I am currently accepting new coaching clients. I’m open to new coaching clients. So, um, whether you’re navigating through tough conversations or building your confidence and sobriety, or just redefining your life on your, your life’s terms, right, I would love to support you. I will post a link to coaching consultations in the show notes as well, um, but yeah, that is it for today. Thanks for listening and I will catch you.
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