I came across a quote by Dr. Brené Brown that really resonated with me, and I felt moved to share it here: “True belonging doesn’t require that we change who we are. It requires that we be who we are.”
You might already have a little voice in your head saying, “But Jessica, being myself led me to be outed from a space and actually made me feel isolated and not a sense of belonging!”
I believe that authenticity will not lead you to belong among people who are wrong for you. If people can’t tolerate the discomfort your true self brings or if their values are so misaligned with yours that you never agree on important matters (not like debating pizza toppings, though I might have to unfriend you if you’re anti-pineapple), it might be worth exploring if those people are right for you. Why force yourself to sit at a table that was never meant for you? Maybe your table is elsewhere, or you can create a new one for others to join.
Now, that little voice might come back and counter with, “But Jess, sometimes being authentic hurts others’ feelings, and they get upset with me. How can I be real without hurting others?”
I’m curious about what kind of “hurt” feelings you’re referring to because we can be true to ourselves without tearing others down. The only context where I can imagine authenticity hurting someone is when setting a boundary that someone doesn’t like, and they feel hurt because they’re being denied a certain type of access to you. Boundary setting can happen as a result of practicing authenticity, but let’s be clear: disappointing someone with a limit isn’t the same as tearing someone down. Being true to ourselves doesn’t require us to inflict pain on others. I’ve encountered people who claim to be “honest” or “real” when they’re actually just being hurtful. We can be honest without intentionally causing harm to others.
So, with that said, what if we adopted the perspective that belonging is about being authentic? How would our approach to others change if we fully embraced our true selves? Where might we find ourselves fitting in?
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