In this episode:
Feeling like you might be the odd one out at social gatherings because you’ve chosen sobriety? You’re not alone. In this episode, I share tips to help you decide if navigating social events where alcohol is often front and center is something you are ready for.
Resources:
Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops
Transcript:
00:03 – Jessica Dueñas (Host)
Hey everyone. Jessica here and it is so nice to be back. I have taken huge intentional breaks over the course of this summer that I’m not apologizing for. I needed to take time to myself and so I took it, but I’m happy to be back. I felt moved to create a podcast episode to talk about the decision to go out or not to go out as a sober person when we know that alcohol is going to be at whatever venue we’re going to. I recently had an opportunity to go out to dinner with my coworkers and I had so much fun. It was such a great opportunity to just connect with my colleagues outside of the university setting.
00:43
But what I realized is that there are a lot of things that have to be in place before I can go out with people and be comfortable with them drinking to their heart’s content. While I have water or whatever else I choose to drink that has no alcohol in it, right, and so I wanted to bring that here. In case this is something that you struggle with or are struggling with, or if you know someone who’s struggling with, then send them this episode to listen to, because that’s the thing, right. Like how often have any of us said to ourselves or thought I don’t want to be left out because I don’t drink. Or, you know, if I skip the happy hour, or if I skip a boozy meal, or if I skip, you know, the holiday party, right, if I skip insert event here, I will stop getting invited altogether. And again, if you have thought these things, you are absolutely not alone. And here’s the thing a person who is strong in their recovery can go anywhere. I’m gonna say that again. A person who is strong in their recovery can go anywhere. I’m going to say that again. A person who is strong in their recovery can go anywhere. When I am feeling very well, taken care of, when I feel strong in general, and I know that I don’t want to get out of my feelings, get out of my head, get out of the skin that I’m in, I know that I’m good and I can go, do whatever and partake in any activity that I want to, whether or not there’s alcohol there. But if I am feeling weak, if I am feeling insecure, if I am doubting my decision, if I am feeling like I want what they want, then those are all a lot of good reasons to potentially say no for now and stay home, then those are all a lot of good reasons to potentially say no for now and stay home. So, essentially, this is how I knew that I would be fine.
02:28
So the first thing that I want to point out right is that whoever you are spending time with, there should be someone in that group that knows that you are not drinking. I’m not going to sit here and tell you, to tell your whole entire life story to this one trusted soul that knows that you’re not drinking. I’m not saying that. But what I am saying is that someone should be made aware in that group of your intention to not drink. Why One? That’s going to establish an opportunity for accountability, right? If you know that someone else knows what you’re trying to do, that automatically helps you stay focused and stay on track with your goal. But secondly, it also gives you the opportunity to have some built-in support at whatever this event is.
03:12
Because the thing is, people often want to help us, but if we don’t explicitly open our mouths and ask for that help, if we don’t say, hey, if you notice me going for that wine, can you like just give me a look? Right, just a look can be enough, but if we don’t communicate that need for support, people won’t know how to help us. They won’t even know that we need the help or the support. So it really becomes our responsibility to make sure that there’s at least one human being in that space who we can trust to know that we are not going to drink. Fun fact, my dog is drinking, like got super thirsty right now and was drinking a lot of water. So maybe you heard him lapping up the water, maybe you didn’t, but I’m not editing it. So moving forward, here’s the thing If you find that you don’t feel safe telling at least one person of your intention to not drink and you are still insisting on going to this event, let me tell you something there’s going to be a huge probability of you drinking.
04:15
Why? Because there’s not going to be any human soul there physically for you to like, look to or talk to or confide in right, you’re going at it alone. For you to like, look to or talk to or confide in right, you’re going at it alone. And then B, if people don’t know that you are not drinking, they’re going to be offering you alcohol. So imagine how many more times you’re going to have to say no or decline right. That’s a lot of mental energy for yourself to be constantly having to decline something, as opposed to going in with the established fact that, no, you are not consuming this.
04:45
For example, with my colleagues, my coworkers they have known a since they won that I don’t drink Like I walked into that job interview and I was like I want to work here because I I’m in recovery and I want college students to know an adult in recovery. So that has been well established on my part and obviously my storytelling style and my level of openness is very unique. But again, you know what’s never going to happen. There will never be. Well, I can’t say never, but I highly doubt that a coworker of mine is ever going to offer me a drink because they know not just that I don’t drink, but they know I have a history of addiction. You are never going to offer a heroin user who’s in recovery you know heroin right going to offer a heroin user who’s in recovery you know heroin right. Same way, people who know someone has struggled for real with alcohol aren’t about to give them alcohol. So again, if you find that you cannot tell anybody that you are not drinking tonight at this event, then you know what. You are better off protecting yourself and staying home. You’re probably not ready to say yes, and that’s okay.
05:44
The other thing to consider is what is your attitude toward the people who are still drinking? Right, Because this can go about three different ways. One you might be looking at people who are drinking and you are like, oh my gosh, I wish I could still drink. I’m so jealous, I hate it here. I hate this stupid sobriety thing. It’s so unfair that I have to stop drinking. Why can’t I just drink like them? Right?
06:13
If that’s the stream of consciousness that comes up for you when you see other people drink, right, then you’re better off staying home again, because it’s just going to fill you with yearning for something that you don’t have and can’t really have right now, or at all, or it’s going to fill you with resentment. And why do you want to put yourself in that position again? I mean recovery. I’ll be the first one to tell you that being sober is not the easiest thing, right, and sobriety doesn’t guarantee you, like this, easy life. However, what I will say is that if you struggle to recognize that your relationship with alcohol is different than other people’s and so you’re still wanting what they have. Then again, just stay safe and stay home. Right, wait until your relationship with your sobriety is stronger, so that you’re not necessarily wanting what other people have.
07:02
The second way that this can go in terms of attitudes towards alcohol or people who still drink is that maybe you are loving sobriety, maybe you are on this pink cloud and you have seen the light and you have read what’s that book? Quit Like a Woman and you are just all about how, like, big alcohol is just producing this mass amounts of poison that are killing people and everyone should just be sober, right, maybe you’ve got that level of enthusiasm, which is great, except that if your friend is about to down a flight of shots of tequila, you have no business in that moment saying anything or trying to change their behavior. Right, like good for you that you are happy about your recovery and that you are proud of your sobriety journey. But the point is it’s your journey, right, and you walk it on your own right. You. You can’t do it alone, but it is your path and it is your responsibility.
07:52
So what you need to recognize is is that you know, especially a social event is not the place to try to convert people who are drinkers into sobriety right. And so if you are sitting in these spaces looking at people who are still drinking with judgment or thinking almost that like you’re now so much more elevated because you’re sober, then you should save your energy and save their time and not go have dinner or go out with them, because, for what? Why are you gonna sit there filling your body full of that energy of just judgment? You might as well stay home. The third way that that can go is that you’re you’re not judgy and you kind of you don’t care what they’re doing with themselves, because you recognize that they are in their own bodies, they’re walking their own paths, they’re living their own journeys, and so you get to just really enjoy their company. Again, I had a blast with my coworkers because I focused on enjoying their company. I had a blast with my coworkers because I focused on enjoying their company. I focused on enjoying their humor. They’re silly, they’re funny, they’re charismatic, and I did all of that without judgment. But if I was sitting there judging them for whatever they were consuming, there is no way that it would have been an enjoyable social event.
09:03
The other thing to consider if you’re going to go to a social event is will you have an exit strategy? If you can’t get out by yourself, then don’t go, because what’s really important is for you to be able to leave when you are ready to and when you want to. Tired, then you need to protect yourself and not go, because when you stress your body, when you exhaust your body, that is absolutely going to increase the risk of wanting to drink. So it’s so important that you honor your limits and just go home when you need to, but if you can’t, then don’t go. And then, really, the last thing that I just wanted to talk about here is finding a place of acceptance. If you can accept that you are on a sobriety path which will absolutely look different from the path of the people that you are with. If you can’t accept that, then that is not the space for you to be in.
10:04
Right, because it’s important for you to acknowledge, like number one, you’re going to have to probably drink water or see if they maybe have a mocktail or alcohol free option on the menu, which a lot of places still don’t have, right? So that means that if you want to have like a drink that’s not a soft drink, you’re going to have to sit there and ask the server, right, can I have an alcoholfree version of insert, whatever mocktail that there is? And, yes, there will be probably some awkwardness, right, that comes up for advocating for your special needs, your specific needs. But you have to remember that any awkwardness that comes up is definitely well worth waking up the next day without having to worry like what the hell you did the night before, right. But if those things are too much for you, if you think that everyone is going to swivel their head and stare at you the second that you say alcohol free, you know whatever, then don’t go.
10:59
But the reality is people don’t really care if you’re not drinking. That that really is it, unless they have a problem themselves with alcohol and they look at you changing your relationship with alcohol as a threat to their relationship with alcohol. They really don’t care. And so, with that being said, you know, just remember, you weren’t born to be like everyone else, right? If you were meant to conform in the first place, you would have been born like, exactly like everyone else. But we were born to be individuals. We were born to just be who we’re meant to be.
11:36
When you start to feel like, oh my gosh, I’m so different, I’m so unique from my coworkers, you know, and you start to feel sort of like this sense of absolute isolation. If you haven’t joined any sobriety support communities, I highly recommend that you do. Why? Because when you go in there and you open your mouth and share, you’re going to find that shocker. You’re not the only one who feels this way and it helps you feel a lot less isolated. So I would highly highly recommend it. I host meetings at the luckiest club, the luckiest clubcom, but there’s tons of other communities and tons of other options.
12:10
So, again, everyone is going to find that their readiness level for certain. You know, situations, experiences comes at different times, if it ever even comes right. Maybe you just don’t want to partake in these kinds of events, and that’s okay. But if you realize that you would like to be able to go out to meals with friends or different social groups and be okay with other people drinking, don’t force it. Wait until you’re ready. Wait until you feel strong enough, right Again, look to some of the things that I mentioned in this episode and also consider what else do you need for yourself? What other metrics for yourself might help you decide if you can handle these situations or not. They’re not for everybody and there’s no need to rush into them. And again, you are different because you’re an individual and you are unique, and so it’s okay if you don’t blend in with everyone at work. It’s okay if you don’t blend in with your friend group exactly as you used to. You’re not meant to be like everyone else. That’s that.
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