In this episode:
Valentine’s Day once amplified my feelings of lack and low self-worth, fueling my drinking and poor relationship choices. In this episode, I share how alcohol blurred red flags in dating and the moment I first admitted, “I think I might be an alcoholic.” Sobriety gave me clarity—red flags stay red now. Let’s reframe this season as a reminder of what we do have: self-worth, clarity, and choice.
Resources:
Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops
Six-Week Writing to Heal Program – Starts March 3
Transcript:
00:03 – Jessica Dueñas (Host)
Hey everyone, welcome back to the podcast. So this weekend, at the time of this recording, it is Valentine’s Day weekend and if you are anything like how I used to be, this time, this day, or Valentine’s Day weekend, et cetera, it might not bring up the warm, fuzzy feelings of love and connection you know. Instead, it might bring up painful reminders. It might bring up feelings of lack, feelings of lack of worth, and if you are in that space, I get it because I have totally been there For years. I let Valentine’s Day reinforce this idea that I was missing something and that that I wasn’t enough. Um, you know, I kind of carried that feeling anyway, but Valentine’s day kind of really put it, put a bright spotlight on it, right, like you go on social media, you see all these messages of love. Um, I have always worked with students, whether K through 12 or higher ed. So you know, everywhere I go, you know I see all these like balloons and flowers, and you know I see all the works happening Right and so convinced that I wasn’t enough. You know, even when I would have like these accolades and these external wins, so to speak, like winning teacher of the year, that still didn’t do anything for my, for my sense of self-worth, right Winning teacher of the year while drinking a fifth of alcohol a day, it just it didn’t help me any with my self-worth, especially when it came to dating and romance. I remember shortly after winning my teacher of the year award, I did what so many of us do who struggle with addiction, and that was still rushing into things and doing anything that I could to fill the void. When I went one teacher of the year, I had just gotten out of a relationship where there was a big betrayal that happened and I was left heartbroken and devastated and instead of taking that time right to work on myself to heal, I was just jumping into anything that I could to fill the void. And so alcohol filled the void, but so did romance, right. So did men. And so you know, it was just like, man after man, with dating, one disappointment after another.
02:22
What I noticed that would happen with alcohol is that alcohol would really help me ignore the red flags that would come up while dating these people. Alcohol would not just help me ignore the flags, but alcohol would actually almost erase them for me entirely, or just totally change their color, right, so that I could tell myself a brand new story, and I could convince myself that whoever I was seeing that it was okay. So the red flags they suddenly became pink, maybe even beige on occasion, and that was the impact of alcohol on my dating experience when I lived with low self-worth, right, I mean, I was so embarrassed y’all. I was so embarrassed by the men that I would let into my life. I was embarrassed about what it would say about me, and so I drank. I drank alone, I drank with them. It really didn’t matter. I would just drink to avoid facing the reality of who I was giving my time to, who I was giving my body to, who I was giving my energy to. There was one person in particular. We’ll call him Thomas.
03:35
After dating for a few months, we took a weekend trip to New York and we actually stayed at his brother’s house or apartment, because most people in New York really have apartments, and this brother of his actually was not a drinker, so there was no alcohol in the house. And so that weekend my drinking was suddenly limited. At this point I was already drinking a fifth a day, just for context as to how much I was drinking. So when my alcohol consumption was suddenly limited by the day of like not having alcohol, my body completely revolted. Right, I was telling myself that I had a stomach bug because I spent. You know, I was basically attached to the toilet, either stuck sitting on the toilet or stuck facing and looking down into the toilet. But deep down, you all, I knew what was really happening. I knew the truth. I was in withdrawal and the only cure was more alcohol. When I finally got my hands on some, I felt a million times better, until the buzz wore off and that sickness it just came back. It returned by the end of that trip.
04:48
You know we, we went back to the airport and we were going to fly back to Louisville this is when I live in Louisville, kentucky. And you know I had, finally, you know, whispered something to this. You know, quote, unquote Thomas, that I had really never said out loud before. You know this was in the months leading to my, the beginning of my recovery journey. And you know, quote, unquote Thomas, that I had really never said out loud before. You know, this was in the months leading to my, the beginning of my recovery journey. And you know, I, I whispered and I said I think I might be an alcoholic Right. And here’s the thing. The reason why was because we get to the airport right and again.
05:22
What I was starting to connect this weekend that I was in New York was that, when my buzz was starting to fade, I was starting to get violently sick, and so the only thing that helped me feel better was alcohol. We get to this airport I forget if it was LaGuardia or Kennedy and I go straight to the bar to buy a drink, but it was an early morning flight and none of the bars in the airport were open yet. They weren’t serving anything. When I tell you that I was driven to tears to see that the bar was closed because I was horrified at how sick I was about to feel, knowing that I had to get on a plane and fly, that was the moment when I uttered those words, right when I could suddenly just whisper, like I think I might be an alcoholic. To be fair, just FYI, at the time of this recording, 2025, I don’t use the term alcoholic to describe myself. I prefer alcohol use disorder or a person with an addiction. I like people first language. But you know, back in 2019, when this was happening, I wasn’t informed and I just use the term alcoholic just for context, but anyway. So I finally whispered and like, admitted, like I think I might be one, I think I might be an alcoholic. But here’s what happened with this guy Again, going back to these red flags turning beige or pink, right, this guy, you know, fake Thomas, because his real name was not Thomas, but we’ll use that name.
06:44
He like barely looked up at me and he was just, you know, he was on some. No, babe, like if you were really an alcoholic, you wouldn’t be doing all the amazing things you do, because, of course, at this time I had become the teacher of the year, I had been doing all these big things. So, of course, on the outside I looked amazing. And why would anyone believe that I struggled with an addiction? Right? So, you know, when I brought it up to him, he totally dismissed it, not to mention the fact that he also drank like a fish. But he pretty much was just like no, you can’t possibly be an alcoholic. Look at everything that you’re doing, look at your resume, look at, look at all that you offer to others. So he was just like yeah, we’re going to relax and get a drink as soon as we get back to Louisville and you’ll feel better.
07:27
And again, going back to those red flags turning beige and pink, I was like, yeah, sure, you’re right, you know. I let that logic of his soothe me, I let that logic of his erase the truth that I didn’t want to admit. This truth was bubbling up a little bit, just a little bit, and him saying, no, you can’t be an alcoholic, because look at all that you do. That was enough to pop those little bubbles surfacing, coming to the surface. And so you know, for the rest of that flight, I just rested my head on his shoulder.
08:01
I did my best to ignore those knots that were so painfully twisting inside of me and I just kept telling myself I just have to get through the flight, I just have to get through the flight, then we will stop, go to the liquor store on the way home and I will be fine. And so this is what I was settling for, you all in terms of relationships. I was settling for someone who ignored the fact that I raised a major concern about my health and my well-being. I think I’m addicted to alcohol was like, well, you’re fine, we’ll get you some more. What if they had been a different substance? What if I had said I think I’m addicted to crack cocaine, or I think I’m addicted to heroin? Would he have said okay, well, we’ll just go get some on the way home, you’ll be fine. Remove the alcohol and put in some other substances, and you can see how wild it is that this person took my concern and just wanted to offer me more. It makes no sense. So, anyway, I really was willing to settle for anyone, because my self-worth was so low that, no matter what I was accomplishing in the world, I was settling for anyone, as long as I didn’t have to be alone, okay.
09:21
But here’s the thing about sobriety it doesn’t just take away the alcohol, right, it doesn’t just take away the drinking, but it gives you back your clarity, right. So now, today, for me, my red flags, they stay red, right. When I see that in another person, I see it and there’s nothing suddenly fading it away, there’s nothing suddenly making it pink or beige. They stay the same. And for the first time, thanks to sobriety, I just see people for who they are. And so I started to realize that my self-worth, it couldn’t come from relationships, that my self-worth can’t come from achievements anymore, and it can’t come from the next big title. It has to come from me, it has to come from within.
10:15
The other thing that sobriety granted me, right, was learning that love, real love it’s not going to be found in the bottom of a bottle, and it’s not going to be found in someone who doesn a bottle, and it’s not going to be found in someone who doesn’t truly respect me or care for my health and wellbeing, right. It’s not going to come from someone who’s going to offer me a poisonous substance. That’s it period. So if today, if this season, if this weekend, if it feels like a reminder of what you don’t have, if it feels like a reminder of a low sense of worth or lack, let me offer you a different perspective.
10:54
Okay, this time, sobriety, let it be a reminder of what you do have, because you do have your worth, you do have your clarity and you do have the power of choice, right. For as long as you are alive, for as long as you are breathing, you are empowered to make better decisions every single day, even if it’s small, little decisions. And so you have your choice to no longer settle for anything less than what you deserve. And so, before we wrap up, I want to leave you with a question to reflect on, and that is what is one red flag, whether it’s in relationships, friendships or even in yourself, that you once ignored but now you can see clearly, especially if you are sober.
11:42
So take a moment, sit with that, reflect on it and if you feel like sharing, find my email, send me an email, tag me on social media. I would love, love, love to hear from you. But with that, friends, thanks for listening. Happy Valentine’s day and remember to choose yourself, even in your partnership, even if as a part of a community. Again, we don’t live in isolation. But remember to choose and prioritize yourself first, and everything else falls, falls in line. Thanks y’all. Take care, catch you on the next one.
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