“Just say all the positive affirmations, and eventually, everything you want will come true” or “Fake it til you make it” is another saying I often hear in recovery spaces.
Obviously, these strategies work for some people. Otherwise, we wouldn’t hear folks repeatedly speaking about the value of positive affirmations.
What if being positive just isn’t your thing?
My issue was that I struggled with “faking” positivity once I got sober. It felt really unnatural for me to buy into very positive thoughts.
Eventually, through coaching, I learned about neutral thoughts, which has helped me and my clients make progress on changing beliefs that are otherwise painful.
For example, we often judge ourselves regarding our past and can nauseate ourselves from the guilt of our past errors. “How could you have done that?” might be our random intrusive thought as we look in the mirror while brushing our teeth. We briefly make eye contact with our reflection only to rapidly look away because we’re THAT uncomfortable with ourselves.
It would be nice to think, “I understand that I did the best I could with what I had.” Except, we might not buy into that belief yet, and it makes us cringe to say that. So, what is a step in between? What if we gave ourselves the grace to go from mentally shoving a finger in our own face and saying, “How could you have done that?” to “I’m willing to understand that I did the best I could.” You don’t fully believe that you did the best you could, but at least you are willing to try.
So what action(s) might align with you becoming willing to understand that you did the best you could? It could be learning more about your situation and how it affects your body. Perhaps getting therapy, coaching, reading a book, or taking a class. For someone with alcohol use disorder, though they may not truly believe that their addiction is not their fault, learning more about the neuroscience of addiction might help move their beliefs in that direction.
What is a thought that causes you to hurt? Name it.
Now, think about an opposing idea. Does that thought seem far-fetched? If so, that’s fine. Now, find something in the middle that’s more within your comfort zone. Identify the actions aligned with that belief, work on those actions, and watch your thinking travel down the spectrum over time toward that lesser painful sentiment.
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