I’ve been very open about the losses I’ve been dealt and how, early on, I wondered if I could recover from a broken heart. “Getting sober AND working through grief, ha!” I thought.
Despite my doubts, I knew that if I trusted the process of getting sober, everything else would fall into place. I just had to stay the course.
Today I witnessed my partner, a single father who has raised his 12-year-old son by himself, graduate from business school with his MBA. I sat side by side with his son, chatting and taking in the special moment. When the music playing switched to a violin instrumental of Lady Gaga’s “Alejandro” I whispered/squealed to his son, “OMG, they’re playing Lady Gaga!” To which he replied, “Lady Caca?” We both covered our mouths to stifle our giggles.
What a silly and precious moment.
When the moment came that I saw my partner walk the stage, I flashed back to this piece that I wrote that I had written as part of a larger piece I published in the newspaper:
“My dream is to attain long-term sobriety, and I believe one day I will, but just for today, I choose to live in recovery until I fall asleep. I will fight my alcoholism daily…I will live a good life. I will have a family, find peace and STILL be of service to others, just not in the way I had planned.”
Today is exactly what I wished for years ago when I wrote those words and put my trust that things get better when we recover. Today is part of a continuing to-be-revealed answer to the question I often asked myself, “Why the hell is this not working out?” or “Why is this so difficult?” The things that didn’t work out for me before didn’t work out because they weren’t supposed to. What was meant to work out for me, is revealing itself daily. I just have to stay the course.
If you’re early on in trying to quit or wondering if quitting drinking is worth it, I’m here to tell you that it’s worth it.
Everything you think you’re going to lose, or everything that you already lost, you only stand to gain it a million times better by taking that leap of faith.
“Just say all the positive affirmations, and eventually, everything you want will come true” or “Fake it til you make it” is another saying I often hear in recovery spaces.
Obviously, these strategies work for some people. Otherwise, we wouldn’t hear folks repeatedly speaking about the value of positive affirmations.
My issue was that I struggled with “faking” positivity once I got sober. It felt really unnatural for me to buy into very positive thoughts.
Eventually, through coaching, I learned about neutral thoughts, which has helped me and my clients make progress on changing beliefs that are otherwise painful.
For example, we often judge ourselves regarding our past and can nauseate ourselves from the guilt of our past errors. “How could you have done that?” might be our random intrusive thought as we look in the mirror while brushing our teeth. We briefly make eye contact with our reflection only to rapidly look away because we’re THAT uncomfortable with ourselves.
It would be nice to think, “I understand that I did the best I could with what I had.” Except, we might not buy into that belief yet, and it makes us cringe to say that. So, what is a step in between? What if we gave ourselves the grace to go from mentally shoving a finger in our own face and saying, “How could you have done that?” to “I’m willing to understand that I did the best I could.” You don’t fully believe that you did the best you could, but at least you are willing to try.
So what action(s) might align with you becoming willing to understand that you did the best you could? It could be learning more about your situation and how it affects your body. Perhaps getting therapy, coaching, reading a book, or taking a class. For someone with alcohol use disorder, though they may not truly believe that their addiction is not their fault, learning more about the neuroscience of addiction might help move their beliefs in that direction.
What is a thought that causes you to hurt? Name it.
Now, think about an opposing idea. Does that thought seem far-fetched? If so, that’s fine. Now, find something in the middle that’s more within your comfort zone. Identify the actions aligned with that belief, work on those actions, and watch your thinking travel down the spectrum over time toward that lesser painful sentiment.
Want to walk through this process in coaching with me? Schedule a free 1:1 coaching consultation here.
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“Dopamine pursues more, not morality; to dopamine, force and fraud are nothing more than tools.” – Daniel Z. Lieberman, MD and Michael E. Long in The Molecule of More.
The Reframe Book Club I facilitate is currently reading The Molecule of More: How a Single Chemical in Your Brain Drives Love, Sex, and Creativity—and Will Determine the Fate of the Human Race, and the third chapter, called Domination, covers dopamine-fueled behaviors at length.
What is fascinating to read in this chapter is that humans can disconnect from their emotions driven by neurotransmitters that are not dopamine in search of dopamine hits. What is difficult for us as individuals in recovery is when we face the fact that many of the things we did to pursue these dopamine hits left us feeling like awful human beings.
The science in the text explains that when detached from those emotions that foster connection and relationship building, people are susceptible to doing just about anything to reach their next goal, including lying and other harmful behaviors. That is how potent dopamine is. Dopamine puts people in chokeholds and shrieks, “eff you and your values!”
This might look like:
Skipping meals so you can “enjoy” your drinks.
Lying to your partner about running an errand so you can buy liquor.
The mom sneaking wine in her to-go cup and driving her kids around.
Pouring extra drinks when no one is looking, knowing damn well that if you get caught, you’ll have to awkwardly explain what the hell you were doing.
Stealing from people’s liquor cabinets.
Spending time with shady people because they give you easy access to whatever you want to consume.
Telling yourself you’re not going to drink, only to find yourself an hour later in line at the store.
Anything that you look back on and want to facepalm over, I could go on forever, but I decided to stop here.
By the way, I’ve done most items on this list. Sharing just in case reading that list made you feel sick. I get it. I’ve been there. I still cringe sometimes and do self-coaching to remind myself that I’m not still there. I also create new thoughts to help me overcome the discomfort.
These new, more helpful thoughts include, My addictive behaviors resulted from my brain responding appropriately to an addictive substance. The second thought is the saying, I know better, so now I can do better. When shame and guilt over your prior poor decision-making come up for you, what are some thought statements you can tell yourself?
For my visual learners, a YouTube video linked here does an excellent job of visualizing how dopamine hijacks the brain. It tricks people with addiction into thinking they need more of their substance of choice when they might need food, a hug, or a nap. This is why I always prompt my clients who are in early recovery to eat well, rest, work on tools to manage their emotions and connect with others. The more thoroughly you meet your actual needs, the better your body and brain will be to manage triggers.
Be kind to yourself. Eat well, nap, and stay connected. Schedule a free coaching consultation with me for additional support if you need it.
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I think I won’t drink today, I thought to myself as I stared at the empty bottle of cheap bourbon that sloppily sat exactly where I dropped it at some point the previous night on my bedroom floor. As the fog started to clear from the night before, as it did every single morning of my life, my heart froze in a panic. My phone! I reached for my phone in a frenzy, saying some nonsensical prayer as I unlocked it to scan my notifications rapidly.
Had I messaged someone I had no business talking to? No.
Did I make any wild phone calls? No.
Did I post anything on social media that I would later regret? No, not last night.
It was my lucky day. Other mornings were not so fortunate, and I would have answered “yes” to one of the above-listed questions. On mornings like those, I would find myself wishing I could skip the functional part of my addiction where I was a successful teacher, disappear under the covers, and dive right back into my bottle.
Teaching in 2019 in the midst of alcohol use disorder.
My greatest professional failure was never taking advantage of the resources available to me as an employee to get help because I was scared of being my own advocate. It was my failure to address my worsening problems with alcohol, which the more shame I felt about, the harder I worked at my job, and the more powerful my silence became about my growing addiction.
It was as if I would tell myself, I can’t be a terrible person if I do a great job teaching, right?! I had a teaching career for thirteen years. Each of these years, I had health benefits that I did NOT touch. See a therapist? NO way. I even had access to things like short-term disability and the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) if I needed to seek treatment for my alcohol use disorder. But me, go to treatment? Nah, I’m good. So I thought, but I wasn’t good. I was dying.
I developed alcoholic liver disease and decided to stop drinking in September 2019, but getting sober is no small feat, and I didn’t successfully stop drinking until November 28, 2020. Side note, my liver has fully healed, and the only treatment necessary was to stop drinking.
But here are a few things I learned:
USE YOUR HEALTH BENEFITS AND GO TO THERAPY. I had to place this in all caps because, yes, I am screaming this to you. My long-term recovery has benefitted from opportunities to dig into my WHY and work on addressing and healing my WHY. If you have health benefits, you already give your employer so much, take a little and get yourself an in-network provider! Some workplaces even offer free counseling up to a certain number of visits. USE IT.
If you need to, use your benefits and go to treatment! Talk to HR about it. According to the US Department of Labor, “FMLA leave may only be taken for substance abuse treatment provided by a health care provider or by a provider of health care services on referral by a health care provider.The employer may not take action against the employee because the employee has exercised his or her right to take FMLA leave for substance abuse treatment.” See the full text here.
The stigma of addiction is a killer. Connect with someone, anyone, about what you’re going through!
Writing Prompt: If you could write a letter to your younger self, what would you say?
Young Kenneth. Submitted by author.
Dear 12 year old me, It’s the summer before your 13th bday. You have a friend staying the night from school. Mom and Dad leaves you guys there to go hang out with friends. Pops has his liquor stash in the cabinet in the kitchen. Before you open it to take 12 shots of E&J Brandy, know this won’t be the last time you get drunk. You will experience being drunk a few more times over the next 25 years. Even though you throw up and feel like shit it won’t be your last time. But that’s what happens when you are left alone a lot to fend for yourself.
You are highly intelligent despite what any teacher will tell you in Jr high, high school and even college. Yes, that’s right college. You will be the first one in the family to get a Bachelor’s/Master’s degree. You are a great athlete but know the family will be too busy to see you play. Will it hurt, HELL YEAH! You get your heart broken a few times by girls and women. But don’t give up cause she is out there.
You will experience some shit others may only hear or read about. But that’s what makes you unique. You think you faced racism? You are barely scratching the surface. Can you believe you join the Army. Just like your Brother Anthony who is on deployment right now. And you end of getting stationed in El Paso, TX just like him. You get the chance to live any many cities. You experience pregnancies at 14, 17, 26 & 27. But no kids just yet and I’m 43 today. That time will come. Your dream of working in radio comes true. But depression sinks in once your not able to advance in the field. You pickup heavy drinking at 25 and over the next 12 years it’s hell for you. But you are strong enough that you make it out of it to become an author, podcaster, mentor and public speaker. You go to rehab 4 times but you finally got it right.
Kenneth today. Submitted by author.
I can say so much more about how life will be, but I want you to live it up to the fullest. Don’t change a thing cause when you reach my age you will say it was well worth it and probably do it the same exact way God has in store for you. Keep that million dollar smile cause many people will continue to gravitate to you. You don’t hear this enough but I love you and will be there with you every step of the way.
Follow Kenneth on Instagram, Facebook and YouTube at @12facesofsober
This is for you if you are anything how I used to be.
Maybe you said you would stop drinking after September 30th for “Sober October,” except that it’s only October 2nd, and you are already drinking.
Maybe you woke up yesterday morning and eagerly wrote a note in an app or on your calendar marking October 1st as your “day one” because you got tired of saying, “one day I’ll stop drinking,” except that now you’re at day zero.
Maybe you’re looking at all the fun posts with the hashtag #SoberOctober, wishing you could post something just as festive and equally as inspiring. Still, you feel like you can’t because you’re the farthest thing from sober on this October day, and the most spooky thing you’re doing right now is feeling anxiety sink your stomach because you said you were going to stop drinking and haven’t. You lied to yourself, saying, “It’s just a month, right? Anyone can do that,” and now, you’re drunk on the internet.
I know because that was me.
I can’t tell you how often I would look at myself in the mirror, promising that I would stop, only to drink hours later. Alcohol was more than something I liked to do. By the end of my drinking career, it was something that I needed to do. It was the only way to avoid becoming violently ill with withdrawal symptoms such as shakes, seizures, vomiting, and so on.
Suppose you have genuinely tried your best to stop drinking these past few days, and you have this unbelievable compulsion to do so, to the point that you regret it and hate yourself just a little bit more with every gulp. You complicate your life, day in and out, just to drink even after you firmly promised yourself or others that you wouldn’t. You might have more than a problematic relationship with alcohol. If you are like me, you are fully addicted, and something as simple as putting the bottle down because everyone else is doing it on social media is not enough and, frankly, probably not safe for you to do on your own.
Everyone’s journey is different, and what worked for me may not work for you, but when I could not physically pull myself away from the bottle, going to treatment helped. It did not resolve all my problems, as my own story includes many relapses, though now I have been continuously sober since November 2020. However, treatment gave me a space to stop safely, which was impossible for me to do on my own in the privacy of my home. Medications that doctors administered allowed me to safely go through what can be a deadly withdrawal process.
If you’re where I was, and you’re already struggling with “Sober October,” seek medical advice. If you do not have a physician who can assist you, SAMHSA, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, has a treatment referral line open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Call them at 1-800-662-HELP (4357).
I recently read the poet Rumi’s words, “The wound is the place where the light enters you.” If your “Sober October” is turning out to be incredibly painful, then this is the opportunity for the breakthrough you need to make space for the life you deserve.
“Can I have the uh, turkey bacon, egg whites…I mean that sandwich right there?” I slowly pointed at the sandwich I was eyeing. I couldn’t even clearly state what I wanted to eat at the Starbucks inside the airport. The woman behind the counter looked at me, smiled and nodded as she probably does to all the tired folks waiting on their flights, and grabbed my breakfast item. I shook my head and smiled. “Sorry, I guess I’m not fully awake yet this morning,” I said to her.
I have been up since 2:45 AM and went to sleep shortly after midnight. Not because I was drunk, but because I packed at the last minute and then stayed on the phone for hours. So yes, I am exhausted. But this type of tired is the good kind.
Airport selfie. TPA. 8.25.22. Sober on 2 hours of sleep.
Before quitting drinking, mornings on the day of travel often looked drastically different from how my morning today looks.
How many mornings have I stumbled into an airport still smelling like the liquor I was guzzling the night before, barely packed and praying I didn’t forget anything important? How many times have I anxiously gone through airport security, my hands shaking with early signs of withdrawal as I held my ID and boarding pass, searching the terminal for its airport bars? I wanted to see how many places there were to drink. I moved around and went to each one separately in an attempt to not make it blatantly obvious that I was trying to drink at least four before my flight that was departing in two hours. How often did I go to these bars as early as 7 AM, rapidly scanning the other patrons’ glasses to ensure that I was not the only one consuming alcohol first thing in the morning? To feel a sense of belonging? To feel a little less shameful?
I’ll be twenty-one months sober on the 28th of August, and I’m grateful that the fatigue I am experiencing at the airport is simply from lack of sleep and nothing else. I won’t arrive at my final destination, relieved and shocked that I successfully flew internationally during a black out. I won’t be throwing up on my flight. I won’t be spending over a hundred dollars on expensive drinks that will barely keep me satiated until I reach my destination. I won’t be holding the little plastic airline cup with two hands to avoid shaking and spilling the little airplane bottle of vodka I bought.
Before getting sober, no matter how far I would travel, I had no vacation from my drinking. I was trapped. This morning I’m tired, but more importantly, I’m grateful to be free from alcohol’s hold on me today.
“I don’t get how I actually got hired.” “I don’t know that I’m ready to get my kids back. It’ll just be a matter of time before I mess up.” “This relationship is drama free, and I don’t know how long that will last.” Thoughts like these disrupt many people’s sense of security when they experience imposter syndrome. The term, which has grown in popularity, basically means that when one experiences imposter syndrome, that individual doubts their worth, and they feel like a phony. Though they might be seeing positive outcomes for what they do, this person doesn’t truly accept that they are deserving of such results.
In sobriety, imposter syndrome goes to another level, which I call sober imposter syndrome. Sober imposter syndrome is when a person in recovery doubts their worth in receiving the gifts of their new alcohol and drug-free life. For some, it can be as big as questioning why a company hired them for a job they know they qualify for and can show up for. For others, it might be finding themselves in a healthy relationship and constantly expecting something to go wrong. In other cases, it might be someone who successfully removed themselves from an unsafe living situation and then questioning if they did the right thing.
Here’s the thing, we do deserve all the good things that happen to us in sobriety, from the greatest of favorable outcomes to the smallest ones, like waking up without a hangover or feeling sick. These things result from consistently making good choices after deciding to live one’s life for the better.
Sober imposter syndrome, however, is a force to be reckoned with, and these are three thoughts for fighting it off.
1. Your Addiction Doesn’t Negate Your Spirit
You have to believe that your addiction doesn’t define your spirit. Many have internalized that we are morally bankrupt because of our previous habits. According to the popular narrative, we must be “bad” people if we depend on any substance. However, the face of addiction that society paints is false. You don’t have to be a dangerous threat to be an addict or identify as an alcoholic. I was a successful educator who did a great job every day when I walked into my classroom. I was nurturing, caring, and encouraging, so much so that I was recognized as a state teacher of the year in Kentucky in 2019. I was all those great things and STILL drank a fifth of alcohol a day. You might be the mother who gets everything done in the home, and your kids feel loved and safe, and as soon as they fall asleep, you attach yourself to the bottle and drown yourself every night. These two things, being a person who contributes positively to this world and living with substance use disorder, are not mutually exclusive.
Does being in recovery negate our poor decisions while in active addiction? No. For many of us, we are still living with the consequences of our actions in the past. These might be ongoing court battles, debt, health problems, etc. That is the natural ebb and flow of life. All actions have consequences. Those past decisions we have already been dealt the consequences for don’t define our worth. We must accept the results of our previous choices, AND we also need to separate ourselves from those decisions. The only way forward is to cut that rope we have created in our minds that ties our sense of worth to our past.
2. What Is Possible For Others Is Possible For You
If other people have received blessings after changing their lives for the better, now that you’re in recovery, what makes you so different that you can’t accomplish the goals you have set for yourself?
Step outside of yourself for a moment and visualize the entire Earth’s population, which is 8 billion people. What do you think is so uniquely terrible about YOU that the other 7,999,999,999 people on this planet deserve more than you do? That type of thinking doesn’t make sense.
When anyone gains something in this world as a result of working towards an achievement, their gain is hard evidence for you to see that you too can get to where you want to be. If someone else’s past consists of hurtful or harmful decisions, but now they are living in alignment with higher living and attracting good things, it’s because they worked for those things and are deserving. Their past isn’t stopping their progress. Your past shouldn’t stop your progress, either.
Think about it this way, so many people with addictions do not survive their battles. They never live to be sober. So if you are reading this, you are ahead first because you’re alive. And if you are sober and alive, you’re winning because attaining your goals is actually possible.
Do you think that your being alive and sober is by accident? Your sobriety is NOT a mistake.
3. The Only Thing Stopping You From Your Desires, Is You
If you have decided to stay sober today, you already chose to level up. There is much power that lies in words. What you say carries a force. If you tell yourself you don’t deserve that new job, that you don’t deserve this new healthy relationship, that you don’t deserve your quiet and safe new apartment, then you know what, you eventually won’t.
Negative self-talk becomes a reality. We must shift to positive, higher-level language when good things happen because we’re sober. First, practice gratitude for anything positive so that you can attract more things to be grateful for. I’m not saying you have to do a whole song and dance routine to express gratitude, though you are welcome to it if you like, but acknowledging that something is there and that it is good goes a long way.
Second, accept that you have earned that blessing and deserve all of it. Remind yourself that it did not come out of nowhere because you worked for it. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that, write it in your journal, or say it to yourself while you’re in the shower. Do this for the big things, but even for the little ones. Suppose you decided not to drink or use drugs today. In that case, any detail about your day is worth being grateful for, like drinking your coffee in the morning without your hands shaking or waking up without feeling sick. Those are all natural consequences of not giving into your addiction that are well earned.
Your sobriety is not a mistake. Take advantage of the gifts of recovery and enjoy them because not everyone gets the same opportunity we have today.
Jessica Dueñas is the founder and certified life coach at Bottomless to Sober. For more information about life coaching services, click here.
If you’re a teacher, you are working in a climate that has gotten exponentially more challenging with time. Summer was likely a great relief for many, but the lack of structure can lead to more unhealthy behaviors. If you already had a questionable relationship with alcohol, you might have been using your time off drinking even more than you did before. Now that it is time for many of you to start getting ready to return to your school buildings, you may be worrying if your drinking is a problem. Is your alcohol consumption at the point where you may need help but are scared that it’s too late to do anything about it because you can’t miss work?
“But, I’m a professional. I do well at work and take care of all my responsibilities (finances, kids, family, pets, etc.).” None of that is relevant. When it comes to alcohol abuse, what you accomplish despite your drinking does not negate the fact that your relationship with alcohol is a problem.
The National Institutes of Health (NIH) uses guidelines to determine if a person falls on the spectrum of alcohol use disorder. It is essential to highlight the word spectrum because one person’s problems with alcohol may look drastically different from another. Identifying alcohol abuse is not about comparing your drinking to someone else’s and being tempted to say, “Well, I am not as bad as her, so I must not have a problem.” This analysis is about your health and your life. This reflection needs to be about you solely. Examine what your thought process is and what your behavior is when it comes to drinking. Is it an issue?
Here are some questions the NIH provides to ask regarding drinking.
In the past year, have you:
Had times when you ended up drinking more, or longer, than you intended? More than once wanted to cut down or stop drinking, or tried to, but couldn’t?
Spent a lot of time drinking? Or being sick or getting over other aftereffects?
Wanted a drink so badly you couldn’t think of anything else?
Found that drinking—or being sick from drinking—often interfered with taking care of your home or family? Or caused job troubles? Or school problems?
Continued to drink even though it was causing trouble with your family or friends?
Given up or cut back on activities that were important or interesting to you, or gave you pleasure, in order to drink?
More than once gotten into situations while or after drinking that increased your chances of getting hurt (such as driving, swimming, using machinery, walking in a dangerous area, or having unprotected sex)?
Continued to drink even though it was making you feel depressed or anxious or adding to another health problem? Or after having had a memory blackout?
Had to drink much more than you once did to get the effect you want? Or found that your usual number of drinks had much less effect than before?
Found that when the effects of alcohol were wearing off, you had withdrawal symptoms, such as trouble sleeping, shakiness, restlessness, nausea, sweating, a racing heart, or a seizure? Or sensed things that were not there?
If, after reading this list, you are uncomfortable with the fact that you may have a problem with alcohol, I first want to say that you’re not alone. I taught successfully for thirteen years and won numerous awards, and at the end of my drinking career, I drank a fifth of bourbon a night and excelled the next day at work. I’ve been sober since November 28, 2020, so I promise you that it gets better and that knowing you have an issue can only serve your higher good.
Maybe you have tried to stop drinking only to find that, for different reasons, you really could not control it on your own. You’ve heard of people going to treatment facilities, but now that school is around the corner, you feel like your opportunity to get assistance is gone. You think that you might have to wait for another break in the school year to come.
“Who is going to cover my classes?” “I don’t want to/don’t have the mental capacity to write these sub plans.” “I worry about my classroom.” “Will this go on file against me?” “I’ve never been to rehab. I’m scared to go.” “I don’t want to leave my kids at home.” “What if I lose my job?” “What if no one watches my children/pets at home?”
I, too, have said most of the above, but it is important to note that eventually if you don’t stop drinking, many of the fears listed will materialize anyway. You will decrease the likelihood of experiencing significant losses and consequences by going to treatment for a week or several weeks.
There are many resources and avenues for getting help outside of a treatment facility, and you can find those here. However, for those considering going into a facility, please be aware that if you have worked in the same district for over a year, you may be eligible to take advantage of the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) program with the U.S. Department of Labor. This program also applies to employees at agencies at the local, state, and federal levels. The specific line of the act that would apply to entering a treatment facility is “a serious health condition that makes the employee unable to perform the essential functions of his or her job.” Mental health IS health, so a problem with addiction IS a serious health issue. In my personal experience, I used FMLA as a public school teacher when I needed treatment.
So what is FMLA? It is a federal program that, upon approval, allows individuals to take up to twelve weeks (or twenty-six, it depends on the circumstances) off of work to take care of different medical needs. This time off is usually NOT paid time off (not ideal, I know). However, the employee keeps all their benefits, and their job is guaranteed for them when they return. You are also protected by confidentiality, so your employer cannot disclose the nature of your absence to others.
When I used it, my employer was only allowed to say that I was “on leave,” my accounts, such as my school email (your district may do something different), were put on pause until I returned. Also, when I say employer, I mean your human resources department. If you disclose your situation to your school principal, that is your choice, but the HR department cannot tell your principal why you are on leave. In my case, I did not write any lesson plans, either.
I share this information about FMLA because I was unaware I could use it when struggling with alcohol. I learned about it when I ended up in a hospital and the doctor on call recommended that I enter into treatment. My first reaction was, “No. I can’t. I’m a teacher.” He proceeded to explain FMLA to me, and when my family contacted my district’s human resources department, the HR staff confirmed that with the proper documentation, I was eligible for it.
Many teachers have lost their jobs due to drinking, and if they haven’t lost their jobs, they have suffered other consequences, too. When I taught, I built my schedule around alcohol so that I could teach, lesson plan, grade, drink, pass out and get up only to repeat the same cycle every day for years. Alcohol dictated everything for me, and it made me physically very sick, yet I still successfully put up appearances of doing well. I was quietly letting it kill me. You don’t have to spend another school year suffering if you are still teaching. I let my problem spiral to the point where I had to leave, but you don’t have to.
“Rehab is like a fortress. When you come in, we protect you from your demons, but when you leave, those demons are right where you left them, waiting. So how are you going to be different when you walk out those doors?” We were in a women’s session and the counselor, Kathryn, stopped to ask us that question.
Jessica today. Despite the ending of the story, today, Jessica has been sober since November 28th, 2020.
Shit. I didn’t know. Was I different? My eyes shifted from side to side to see if anyone showed signs of having morphed.
Then, as I processed more of what she said, I also realized that this so-called fortress didn’t do that good of a job protecting us from our demons or even ourselves while inside. The counselors always sat around in meetings each morning before coming in to work with us. Kathryn was always in the know about all the patient gossip and drama. But how could she ignore that the day before one of my friends found a twenty-something slumped over in the bathroom stall? He had snuck pain pills in and nodded off after using them in the restroom. He had to go to the ER.
Did she not get filled in by management on how the week before Melissa, a mom in treatment on a judge’s order, was caught high on meth? This was her last chance to get her kids back from foster care and she ended up high after almost twenty days sober. “I just didn’t expect to see it, right in my face. When Connor snuck meth in and showed it to me, I didn’t think about anything but that feeling. I just want to apologize to the group for using drugs here. Now I don’t know what the judge will do with my kids.” I remember her holding back tears as she apologized.
I wish I could go back to that moment and hold Melissa, then shake her and yell at her, “Don’t apologize to us! You thought you were safe and some idiot used what he knew would be a weakness against you. Don’t be ashamed because you relapsed. You are not a bad mom. You are not a bad person. Be proud that you’re still here and willing to continue. Be proud that you accepted another chance. Be proud that you’re getting help!”
Really, these were all things I wish people would have said to me each time I relapsed last year. I say these things now to others when they relapse. I can’t help but wonder how Melissa is today and where her kids are. She always carried these slightly crinkled pictures of them in her folder and liked to pull them out in meetings and sessions. Big smiles, glowing skin, big messy curls that looked like they just got tousled while they had a blast playing. I hope they’re all together. I left before she did and lost touch quickly after. Did she become that “different” person that Kathryn said she had to be? Was she able to ward off the dragons laying wait outside of rehab after the five weeks were up? What a long time for her … for anyone.
Thirty-five days.
I had thirty-five days of peace, away from everything. These five weeks in rehab were meant for me to cocoon myself before I emerged and flew away like some beautiful butterfly. My days in rehab were coming to an end as I felt my discharge day getting closer every morning. I saw the new date on the board. June 27 … June 28 … and finally June 29, the night before my departure.
“Alright Ms. Jessica, let’s review and sign off on your aftercare plan. We are confirming that you are in fact going back to your house where you live by yourself, and you will be attending IOP (intensive outpatient program) for nine weeks,” said Nancy. Nancy was the social worker in charge of our transitional plans. “Are you sure you don’t want to go into sober living?” she asked. I shook my head. Hell no, I thought. There was absolutely no way that I was going to move into sober living. I was ready to be in my own space by myself and back with my puppy Cruz.
I’ll be honest, I had the fleeting thought that maybe going straight home wasn’t the best idea. Then I had another thought that if I wanted to drink, my location wasn’t going to stop me from doing so, so I might as well go home. These back and forth conversations in my head were draining me of any morale I had left.
After weeks of classes and group sessions, I could teach someone else the ins and outs of treatment. I could tell you exactly what triggers are and the science behind addiction and why we were all after dopamine whether you drank cheap liquor or shot heroin. I could tell you all about twelve-step and other recovery programs that we were introduced to.
I was the valedictorian of rehab, a perfect mirror. Anything that I was taught I reflected back to everyone well enough to make them think, “Jessica’s got it,” when in fact, I did not. My last night in our group meeting, we went around the room and everyone had something nice to say about their time knowing me and their confidence in my ability to do well. I smiled at everyone and gave big hugs and promises of staying friends and keeping in touch. Internally, I cringed as each kind word made my stomach sink further.
I didn’t know what I was going to do with myself.
I remember going to bed, bags packed, outfit selected to go home in. In my head, I planned to go back to normal and just not drink. But deep down there was that damn sinking feeling. I felt it every time I tried to convince myself that I was going back to “normal.” I tried to replay everyone’s kind words, but I couldn’t find ease or comfort in them. I pulled my hidden sleep meds from my bra and swallowed them quickly so I could fall fast asleep and escape the sense of impending doom I hated so much.
The morning came and my friend who had been taking care of Cruz since the day I went into treatment was waiting there to pick me up. I walked out into the sun and into her arms. It was so good to hug a friend from the outside world. We went straight to the grocery store where the smell of cilantro in the produce aisle made my mouth water. I remember filling my basket full of bright fruits and other healthy snacks. I was planning to keep up the balanced eating habits I picked up in treatment.
Though I was dead sober, I don’t remember the ride back to my house. It was a blur. She came into the house with me, did a quick safety check to make sure there weren’t any bottles remaining, embraced me, and asked, “Alright girl, you gonna be good?” Uhhhhh, I thought, but I said, “Yeah, it’ll be tough, but I’ll be good.” As I shut the door behind her, I turned around and looked into my house. It was an empty, painful sight to take in.
So, it’s just you and me, I thought. Just me and this house of broken dreams. I went to turn the TV on, but nothing happened. I forgot that I had fallen onto it while drunk at some point and broke some cables. I opened my laptop to get online, but there was a picture of my dead boyfriend, handsome and joyful, so I slammed the computer shut. I sat at the table, but the seat felt too hard. I went to the couch, but the seat was covered in dog hair. I moved to another chair, but it felt empty.
The house I lived in in Louisville. Picture is from a realtor site.
Then, like a small drop of water that will eventually overflow a bucket, the thought of having a drink made its way into my head. From this one thought, the desire immediately rushed throughout my body. I was overcome by the fiendish sensation.
I know I shouldn’t, I know I shouldn’t, I told myself. This thought was immediately followed by rationalizations.
Well, I can order a bottle and I don’t have to drink it, I said to myself as I got on my phone to get on the alcohol delivery app.
Yeah, I can pour it down the drain after a few drinks, I told myself when I closed out my cart and completed my purchase.
I repeated these same thoughts over the next hour as I waited for the delivery. I reawakened my old routine of pretending everything was fine. I called my sister, “Hey! Just letting you know I’m finally home … Yeah, it’s definitely weird … Yeah, I promise I’ll call if anything … Yeah, I’m so sleepy I’m going to go to bed early…” I also sent a few texts to let people know that all was “good” and I was going to “bed” because I was “tired.”
This was around 7:30 PM. I was not going to bed.
It was in my hands and then my mouth. It burned in my throat. I gagged at first because I had forgotten what it was like and had chugged it straight from the bottle like I had been in a desert and hit an oasis.
I was finally out of this protective space that treatment was intended to be for me, this so-called fortress, this cocoon. I was in fact, a beautiful butterfly, but my wings were crumpled. I couldn’t fly, so I crashed hard. As I lay there flat on my back on the floor, a song played on repeat that I fell in love with while I was gone, Nights in White Satin by the Moody Blues.
Never reaching the end
Letters I’ve written
Never meaning to send
Beauty I’d always missed
With these eyes before
Just what the truth is
I can’t say anymore…
I took one last breath, closed my eyes, and everything faded to black as I went back under the water of my addiction.
Originally written by Jessica for Love and Literature magazine.
To read the previous chapter, chapter 3 click here.
