Author: Jessica Dueñas

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In this episode:

Shame is sneaky—it twists our thoughts and keeps us stuck. In this episode, Jessica gets real about how shame shaped her struggles with addiction, relapse, and self-worth. She shares personal stories, unpacks common shame traps, and offers powerful questions to help you shift your narrative.

Ready to rewrite your story? Tune in for a raw, honest conversation and take your first step toward self-compassion. You are not defined by your past—you define you.

Resources:

Coaching Information

Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops⁠⁠

Transcript:

00:02 – Jessica Dueñas (Host)
Hey y’all, welcome back. Today we are talking about something that I know far too well, which is shame. I recently saw a loved one struggling a lot with personal shame and it just moved me to put together this episode just to talk about it a little bit, because it really does impact so many of us, right, if not all of us. And here’s the thing about shame shame, it is so sneaky, you know, it doesn’t show up very blatantly like fear or anger does right, like I feel like fear, anger. Those are emotions that when they come up for us, when they rise up in our bodies, it’s pretty easy for us to pinpoint and say, oh, I’m feeling fearful or oh, I’m so pissed off, right. But when we’re feeling shame, it’s so much more subtle, you know, it kind of just comes in when you might be alone with your thoughts. It might come in and start twisting up memories. It might come up for you when you start doubting yourself or questioning things, especially when it comes down to if you start questioning your worth right, like whether you question that you are worthy of love or worthy of forgiveness or worthy of a fresh start, right. Anytime that you start doubting whether you are worthy of something. Chances are that is shame speaking through you in code. And so you know and I know this right, because I carried shame for many, many years. I mean, I was ashamed because of my drinking. Then, when I got sober, I was ashamed that I didn’t stop sooner. You know, I was then ashamed for the things that I did while I was deep in my alcohol abuse. And the thing is it’s like, just because you get sober, shame doesn’t necessarily go away, right, it can easily find brand new ways to sink its claws in, right. I mean, I just remember, with love and relationships, like, one of the biggest things that shame would tell me is that nobody who is healthy, right, nobody who has like a solid, healthy, stable mental health history, is going to be interested in me. That I would only have to find other people who are recovering from addiction, right, who’ve been to the bottoms and depths of hell, that those are the only people who would be good for me. That’s what shame told me.

02:18
But one of the other biggest speaking of loving relationships, right, like one of the biggest sources of shame for me, especially once I got sober, was really reflecting on the people that I would often go back to, who I knew weren’t good for me, and this would even happen in sobriety, until I got my stride, until I got confident. You know, it’s just like I would go back to people who didn’t respect me. I would go back to people who didn’t show up for me. I would go back to people who made me feel like I would have to prove that I was worthy of their love, or people who I knew at the core, fundamentally, that we were not a match, but yet my, my need for company, my need to not be alone, would always push that to the side. And so, you know, I would always be caught up saying like never again, I’m not talking to that person, I’m blocked, I’m done. And before you knew it, I was just answering the text, giving them another chance, you know, convincing myself that maybe this time things would be different. Right, there’s one moment that really sticks with me, and it was after I started to work on my sobriety. So for those of you who don’t know my story, maybe you’re just jumping on today. I’ve had many day ones, and I’ve had many starts and stops. Currently, I am four and a half years sober at the time of the recording of this podcast, or about four and a half. But when I started to work on my sobriety was in 2019, september, and I didn’t get sober till November of 2020. So just to give you a sense of that was a solid what 14 months of me kind of going in and out. So in September 2019, I’ll use a name Thomas. I never dated a Thomas, but we’re going to call him Thomas.

04:04
I was dating him and while in this relationship with him was when I kind of had that epiphany of like holy shit, I think I’m an alcoholic, right, and again, I don’t identify as an alcoholic at this time, but back then that is the language that I use. So those were my thoughts back then. And I remember we were flying back from New York City one time and the airport was closed or not the airport, but the airport bars were closed and I was going into withdrawals and I started crying in the airport and I told him I was like, oh my gosh, I really need a drink. I think I have a problem. And you know his behind was like no, you don’t have a problem. I mean, look at all the different things you do. I had already won teacher of the year. So he was like you don’t have a problem, people like you don’t have alcohol problems. And, of course, I would just listen to whatever he would say because it would make me feel better, even though, fundamentally, I knew right Our, our intuition is always right and I knew that there was a problem. I just kept, you know, drowning it out. So, anyway, when I went to rehab the first time, I came out of there making the decision to break up with him because I knew you know, I don’t diagnose other people, but I struggled a lot with my drinking around him because he did consume a lot of alcohol too, and so I just knew that that relationship was not good for my sobriety goal.

05:29
But lo and behold, you know, a couple of months passed. It was the holiday season. I had flown to Tampa to visit my sister for Christmas and I lost my mind at a holiday party that she was hosting. So I come to, apparently, on the floor. My niece found me unconscious and my sister at that point saw what was up in terms of my relationship with alcohol, relationship with alcohol and she was just like Jess, what are you going to do? And I was like I promise I’m going to go get help as soon as I get back to Louisville, I’ll go back into that treatment facility that I had gone to originally. And you know what happened, y’all. Like as soon as I got to the damn airport, I decided to text this bozo Thomas, right, so-called Thomas and see if he’d pick me up from the airport. And before you knew it, I landed in Louisville, kentucky, and I was over at his place shooting back bourbon, right, and I mean like I was out. It was all a blur. I can’t even remember how many missed calls I had from my sister checking up on me and things like that. So, again, she’s an angel because of everything she’s tolerated with me.

06:33
But once I got out of there and I did eventually go to treatment, I was really embarrassed, right, and I just wanted to bury my head in the sand like dang Jess. You said you would never go back to this person. You’re working on your sobriety. And then you had this huge relapse and you went back to this guy who was pretty awful and I really, really poo-pooed all over myself after that and that was the thing I just I carried the shame of that relapse along with all the other relapses that I had.

07:07
You know, I carried that like this huge weight on my chest, and it doesn’t help that society tells us, right that we should be ashamed of things like that, that we should quote unquote know better. You know that self-worth is supposed to be this like very easy, logical thing. I’m only gonna do things that serve me. I’m gonna like move away from people who don’t serve me, move away from situations that don’t serve me. That all sounds really nice in practice and it sounds so elevated, right, but it’s really hard to do Sometimes. The familiar is what’s not best for us, and yet it’s the most comforting at the same time.

07:52
So, anyway, for so long I let that shame eat me up and again just asking myself these questions why am I like this? Why do I keep doing this to myself? I just a hundred percent let my shame convince me that I was broken, weak and incapable of healthy love. But thankfully, I get to look back at that now, right, and and I do see it differently I can reframe moments like that in my past. You know not that it was proof that I was unworthy, right, but it was proof that I was still learning, right, that I was on a search for something that I just couldn’t figure out how the hell to give it to myself.

08:23
It’s not a human weakness to want love. We are social creatures by nature and to be accompanied is oftentimes a sign of safety. We don’t thrive in isolation. So why am I calling myself weak for wanting love, for wanting companionship? The problem just was that at that time I hadn’t yet realized, right, that I deserved better. And that was the thing, right. Once we know better, then we have the opportunity to do better. But that is the thing about shame it simply, it just isolates us and it convinces us that we’re the only ones who’ve ever struggled like this, we’re the only ones with this problem, and that we are unfixable. But shame is a liar. And how do we take back our power? We bring our stories into the light. We stop letting shame write the narrative and we start owning our truth instead.

09:22
So let’s look at a couple situations, because obviously, maybe you didn’t like hop off a plane and run straight into someone’s apartment and just get drunk and stay there for a couple of days, right. But maybe you’ve had a couple other situations, so let’s talk through them, right. So again, relapsing after a period of sobriety right, maybe you’ve been sober for months, maybe even years. And then one day, boom, you have a slip, you drink, and immediately the voice in your head is like ah, you see, you’re a failure, you’ll never get this right. You might as well go back and get some more. You might as well go back down to the bar. Forget it, forget your day count, you know. Whatever it is that you might use to kind of help motivate you. Here’s the truth. Having a relapse does not erase your progress, right? It is absolutely a symptom of something deeper that needs your attention, but it’s not a sign that you’re broken.

10:13
We’re talking about addiction, you all. If it was easy to quit drinking, if it was easy to stop doing drugs, we wouldn’t have treatment facilities all over the place, we wouldn’t have a million and one different programs to quit alcohol, right? So if it were so simple, we wouldn’t have people struggling. But it’s hard. And so, again, when there is a relapse, when there is a slip, whatever you wanna call it, instead of beating yourself up, ask yourself what was I struggling with before I went and picked up? Right, what was going on? What do I need to do to adjust, to support myself better? What tools did I use? What tools did I not use? What tools do I need to potentially add to my toolbox? You’ve got to look at the bigger picture here. You’re not flawed because you’re struggling with addiction to a substance that is pretty much shoved down our throats from the beginning of time.

11:14
Another scenario maybe you are feeling, if you are a parent, maybe you feel like a bad parent. Or maybe, if you are in a romantic partnership, you’re feeling like a bad partner or insert bad whatever connection you have to other humans. Maybe you feel like a bad teacher because you’re an educator. Maybe you feel like a bad daughter because your mom is aging and you’re getting increasingly frustrated at the demands of taking care of her needs as she’s getting older, right, and so shame is going to whisper to you. You’re a shitty daughter, right. Shame is going to whisper to you. You’re a bad girlfriend, a bad wife. You’re a bad partner, right, and shame might even dare to whisper even darker things to you, like someone would be better off without you, right. So here’s the actual truth though You’re a human, humans make mistakes. Repair is possible, right. I’m not saying it’s guaranteed.

12:11
If we did wrong somebody, it’s on them if they want us back in their lives or not, right, but we can always be living amends, right, and what I mean by living amends in 12-step programs, right? Step nine involves making amends to other people for the wrongs that we’ve done. Now, in my opinion, I think you know running around and telling everybody I’m sober now and I want to apologize. I think that that can sometimes create its own issues with the people that we wronged in the past. But regardless, what we have the opportunity to do that definitely does not increase the harm that we’ve already done is living amends, which means that whatever hurt that we caused onto other people in the past, we take that, we learn from the situation and we make sure that in our behaviors we don’t repeat those patterns or those behaviors to anyone who we encounter. From that point, moving forward, right.

13:01
So humans are going to make mistakes, but you can always live from your learned knowledge, from your lived experiences where you may have caused harm. And so, instead of letting that shame make you shut down and convince you that that’s it. You’re hopeless, acknowledge what happened, take responsibility and ask yourself what can I do differently next time? Right? How can I treat other people better? What can I do differently next time? Right? How can I treat other people better, right? If it’s, maybe someone who has chosen to end their relationship with you, or if it’s someone that you still have the privilege to keep in your life, because maybe this is a child of yours or a significant other who’s still there, right Again, what can I do differently next time? How can I improve?

13:44
And then the last scenario just to think about right, this one is a big one that I struggle with on occasion is the whole being ashamed of where you are in life. Like you all, I used to have a house and I had to sell the house and move into my sister’s guest room with my dog. Right, I just had a baby at age 39, when I could have had children. Like from my twenties or thirties right, or earlier thirties. I am basically starting over in a new version of my career because I had to leave my old career that I was, like, exceptionally good at. So these are all things where I could be, in theory, ashamed of where I am in life. Oh, not to mention I have a baby and I’m not married, right, like these are all the ways in which I basically don’t measure up according to society’s like measuring stick, and so it becomes very easy for any of us to be ashamed of where we are in life, because maybe you are not where you thought you would be by now.

14:39
Maybe you fell behind in your career. Maybe you’re drinking. Your addiction has negatively impacted your ability to, you know, get promotions. Whatever the case may be, maybe it has ruined some relationships that you have. Who knows? Right, we’re all in different places, but we might be like dang, I should be doing better.

15:00
And that’s shame, right? That’s shame saying that you should have it quote, unquote together by now that everyone else does Like number one first of all. Everybody else does not have it together, right, that’s shame saying that you should have it, quote unquote together by now that everyone else does Like number one first of all. Everybody else does not have it together, right. Again, if we’re looking at everyone else through the lens of, say, social media, that’s, people just put whatever looks cute on social media, right, like I show all the cute pictures of my daughter, amara, I’m not going to show the picture of when she’s like screaming her head off, because, because I’m not right. And so remember that your timeline is your timeline and comparison is what? Like a thief, I always butcher sayings, but that comparison is a thief of joy, or whatever that saying is.

15:41
You just need to focus on what small step you can take to move forward. If you have specific goals that you’re trying to accomplish, if there’s a specific lifestyle that you are wanting to live, a solid resource I would recommend James Clear’s book Atomic Habits great way to look at breaking things down into tiny minute steps that can eventually lead to bigger gains. But at the end of the day, right, you’re exactly where you need to be and you have the power to move that needle. So you know when shame tells you that you should have together. No, you’re where you’re supposed to be and you have the opportunity to change it. So if any of this is hitting home for you, right, take a moment and sit with these questions, cause again, I’m we.

16:27
We all have shame stories and I’m sure that yours could all be totally different than what I mentioned now. But take a moment and sit with these questions. One, what is a moment from your past that shame has told you to hide? Two, if you looked at that moment with compassion instead of judgment, how would the story change? Three, what is one belief about yourself that shame has made you hold on to and is it actually true? Right, like, what else could be true here? And number four, what is a small step that you can take today to rewrite your story on your terms? And again, these are heavier questions. Feel free to pause or grab a journal and reflect on these, but let yourself be honest because, again, shame wants to keep you silent. But the healing process it happens when we give ourselves permission to tell the truth without the weight of judgment.

17:26
If this is something you want to dive deeper into, I invite you to work with me in two ways Either explore my Writing for Healing program right, I just started my last six-week round, but I have the wait list going for whenever I open up the next six-week round. I also am now offering a workbook where you can work on this on your own, or get work with me through coaching. I do offer coaching for people in recovery, right, who are ready to rewrite their story and step into that next chapter of their lives, right, like, let’s get some clarity, let’s get some confidence in you. So if that sounds like something you need, let’s talk about that. The show notes will have both links to my six-week writing for healing program as well as coaching.

18:08
So I’ll leave you just with that last thought. Right Again, the past, your past. It doesn’t define you. You define your own past. I’m sorry, not you define your past, you define you right, point blank period. And so hopefully you wrap your mind around the fact that you deserve to step into your next chapter with confidence and some self-compassion. So, sending you all lots of love, I’m glad you all are here and listening with me. Take care.

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In this episode:

You ever have a conversation that immediately sets you off? Like, your whole body tenses up, your heart starts racing, and suddenly, you’re 10 years old again? Yeah, same. In this episode, I’m sharing a personal story about my late mother, a comment about my body that sent me, and what I wish I had realized in the moment.

Resources:

Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops⁠⁠

Values Assessment

Transcript:

00:00 – Jessica Dueñas (Host)
Hey everyone, welcome back. Today we are diving into a topic that honestly affects all of us, whether we realize it or not, and that is the fact that we all have values and they all impact us. Have you ever had one of those conversations that, just a hundred percent like set you off? Like you feel the heat rising in your body, you feel your heart racing, you feel your breath picking up speed. Those types of conversations can often be set off because of our values. I mean, I have 100% been there, so I’ll share a moment with you.

00:34
Actually, one of them that had me completely heated, and it was a conversation with my dearly departed mother. At the time, you know, we were talking about body image or, honestly, we were more so arguing about it, right, you know she had looked at me it was one of my last visits to Costa Rica and you know, she, just out of nowhere, was just like oh, you know, like you would look better if you lost a little weight and despite all the work I’ve done, y’all, like the second, she said that you know my whole body tense, my heart started to pound and you know I just felt anger like boiling up inside of me. Right, it’s like, despite the fact that I was in my late thirties, you know, boom, that comment gets said and in my body I feel like I’m 10 years old again. You know hiding food from her. You know the way that I eventually did with alcohol. And I definitely snapped back at her and I was like, why do you care? Why is this so important? I was just so frustrated. I had spent the last year or so again just unlearning all the toxic messages about weight and beauty that society and my own family and my own mom had ingrained in me. I’d worked so hard to kind of push back against those standards, but still when I hear those words I’m just transported right back to age 10.

01:51
But here’s the thing, what I didn’t consider in that conversation, right, that for my mom, beauty and thinness it wasn’t just about looks, right, for her it was about respectability in her world. Right, in her world it was about self-worth. My mom, she grew up in Costa Rica and in that country and in so many other westernized places, right, a women’s value was very much tied to how she looked, and my mother was born in 1939. So think about the decades that she was like an adolescent, and we’re talking about the 1950s, right, and so she was taught that to be beautiful, to be thin, was a way to achieve success. It was a way to secure a husband. It was a way basically all the different pathways to success came from how you looked what.

02:46
What I needed to recognize right is I did not need to agree with her, and though she wasn’t trying to hurt me, she was essentially just passing down what she was taught, wasn’t trying to hurt me, she was essentially just passing down what she was taught, and so I can recognize okay, that’s what she’s been programmed with. I don’t have to accept it, I don’t have to agree with her, but if I had taken at least a second to recognize that that was what she valued and the why behind it, I might’ve been able to respond with more understanding with my mom, instead of just being purely frustrated. Because the second she said those words, right, I became the 10-year-old. I was the one who was pissed off. I immediately made it all about me right, instead of looking at it from the bigger picture. Again, I’m not saying that that thought process is right or that it’s okay or that I agree with it, but I probably could have saved my body from some stress. So you know, this got me thinking.

03:41
How often are we clashing with people because we just don’t understand the values that are behind their words? Right, I am back to coaching one-on-one, and when I coach my clients, one of the first things that I have them do is a values assessment. It’s a simple but super powerful exercise to get clear on what matters to them, because our values, they shape everything. They shape how we see the world, the assumptions that we make about other people and also how we show up in tough conversations. Again, imagine being in a tough conversation and thinking why the hell don’t they understand where I’m coming from? That is probably because your values are playing a big role in the conversation. So, for example, if independence is one of your top values, you might assume that people should handle their struggles on their own, but if community is something that is more important to you, you might assume that asking for help is just what you do. Here’s the thing Neither one of these is right or wrong, but these assumptions do impact how we engage with other people, and I see this all the time, especially in sobriety coaching.

04:48
So I’ll give you a couple of examples. So let’s say that a family member offers you a drink, right, they do it repeatedly. If you value respect, you might assume that they are pushing your boundaries on purpose. But if you are someone who values traditions, you might look at their insistence on you offering drinks as someone who is just trying to connect with you based off traditions that have been passed on in families. Or another example might be that your friends you got sober and now your friends have stopped inviting you out. If you value connection, you might assume that they have abandoned you, right, Like, oh my gosh, the world is ending, my friends hate me, et cetera. But if you value responsibility, you might assume that your friends are respecting your sobriety and so they’re not going to invite you out to drink with them. Or you might recognize that it falls on you to reach out to them and set the tone for how you will or won’t hang out with them.

05:46
The last example that I have here is maybe you’re feeling judged when you share about your sobriety, right? If you are a person who values vulnerability, you might assume, like everyone should just openly like, receive your sobriety story with you, know, big smile, open arms and the same level of openness back to you. But if you’re a person who values privacy, you might assume that they’re uncomfortable with you being so vulnerable, right? Or if you’re someone who really values privacy, you might not be the one who’s actually openly talking about your sobriety. You might just say I don’t drink or I’m not drinking right now. You might be one of those folks, right?

06:27
So what happens when we do challenge these assumptions? What if that family member who was offering you a drink wasn’t trying to disrespect you, but they just didn’t know how to connect in a different way with you? What if your friends weren’t abandoning you? Right, but they were just waiting for a signal from you that you still want to hang out even though you quit drinking? What if the judgment you think you’re feeling is actually just their own discomfort with something they don’t understand when you’re talking about your sobriety story, right?

06:58
So one of the biggest things that I’ve learned, both in my recovery and again through coaching other people, is that being flexible with our assumptions can change everything your values. They don’t have to change, not necessarily, but even then recognize that your values can change as you go through different life experiences. Right, we are humans. We don’t stay in one stuck format. So your values can change, but they don’t have to. But when you do pause, when you do question the assumptions that you are making as a result of your values, and when you get curious instead of defensive because I got defensive with my mother Right you create space for better conversations and deeper relationships. You create space for better conversations and deeper relationships.

07:43
So, the next time that you are in a tough conversation, try asking yourself these questions. One what values are influencing how I see this situation? And if you need a values assessment, check the show notes. I will link a values assessment there. Number two what assumptions am I making about the other person’s intentions? Number three how can I reframe my perspective to create more understanding? So using these questions can help you in terms of just reducing your stress in terms of engaging with other people. Right, it can help strengthen your relationships and make some of these tough conversations so much easier to navigate.

08:28
So if this hit home for you, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Please don’t hesitate to reach out through socials. Send me an email about what resonated with you the most. Also, if you’re interested in diving deeper into this work, I am currently accepting new coaching clients. I’m open to new coaching clients. So, um, whether you’re navigating through tough conversations or building your confidence and sobriety, or just redefining your life on your, your life’s terms, right, I would love to support you. I will post a link to coaching consultations in the show notes as well, um, but yeah, that is it for today. Thanks for listening and I will catch you.

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In this episode:

I dive into the powerful quote by Nedra Glover Tawwab: “We teach people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves,” reflecting on a moment at work when I had to assert my boundaries with a student and contrasting it with my past struggles as a teacher battling alcohol addiction and self-doubt.

Resources:

Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops⁠⁠

⁠Six-Week Writing to Heal Program – Starts March 3⁠

Transcript:

00:03 – Jessica Dueñas (Host)
Hey y’all, welcome back to Bottomless, to Sober and for today’s episode I wanted to talk about this Nedra Glover Tawwab quote we teach people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. I’ll read it again, because it’s super short we teach people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. So before we get into it, I want to be very clear about something, and that is that this idea does not apply in cases of abuse. So if you have ever experienced emotional, physical, psychological abuse, please know that you did not teach that person to harm you. Right? Abuse is never the victim’s fault. There is no boundary strong enough to control someone else’s harmful choices in the cases of abuse. So I just wanted to make that clear before I even start talking, right, all right, so now let’s go ahead and get into it. So we teach people how to treat us.

01:04
If you have been following me for a while, you know that I currently work with college students, but before that I was a middle school teacher and, honestly, I never thought that I would have to remove someone from a space under my authority at this stage in my career. Middle schoolers a hundred percent right, like absolutely middle schoolers they’re still learning emotional regulation. Sometimes they need to step out of the class to reset. But honestly, I forgot that even college students, who are adults on paper, are honestly still learning how to handle themselves right. Developmentally their brains are not done developing and sometimes they make bad calls. And when they do, it’s up to me to teach them how I accept being treated. So I’ll tell you a little bit in vague terms about a recent situation that I had. But basically, a student came to my office and they were heated about how I had handled a specific incident. You know they were sitting down kind of like fingers up in the air, you know, their energy was just sharp and they basically said that I owe them an apology. Now, In that moment I understood why they were frustrated, but I also knew that I had made the right call. So I stayed calm and I told them I’m not apologizing. And y’all. They did not like that answer. You know their voice got louder, their body language shifted and suddenly what was funny was that on my part I felt that old discomfort creeping in. You know, it was that old, familiar guilt from my classroom days, the kind that used to literally just sit on my shoulders when I was still drinking, still doubting myself and still unsure if I was doing anything right. You know it was a flashback to the old version of me. You know that moment.

03:03
It took me back to when I was a teacher and I was standing in my middle school classroom back in Louisville and I was just trying to push through, you know, the lesson, because I had a hangover, of course, and you know my head was pounding, my stomach was turning and my voice was. It was steady enough just to get through the lesson, but I was struggling, right, I was in the fog after having drank so heavily the night before, which was my daily pattern at this time, and I had a student I’ll call him Zavion. You know he looked up at me and he was just like Ms Duenas, you smell like alcohol, and I mean he was just grinning. He had no idea of the sheer panic that he had gripped me with by saying that, right, and so, you know, I just turned away and I pretended that I didn’t hear him and I was praying to the universe to like let that moment pass. Like let this kid get distracted by his peers. Right, let someone knock something over, anything to like distract the student and transition from that moment and thankfully he did move on right. So I felt safe for now, so to speak. But that comment that that student made Zavion, that middle school student, it stuck right Because, even though he wasn’t judging me, his words to me a hundred percent, were like a mirror. They absolutely forced me to see the truth that I was just trying to avoid, like I was not trying to be exposed. I was terrified of it and that was a fear that was following me everywhere back then.

04:32
And so, you know, let’s come back to the present, back in my current office, here on my campus job, with the student getting more, you know, verbally aggressive, I completely froze, even if it was for a split second, I just froze. And you know that old me, the one that you know used to drown in self-doubt and in alcohol, you know, would have a hundred percent crumbled under the under the pressure. You know I would have second guessed everything, I would have wondered if I had actually messed up and I probably would have even apologized just to like, make that tension disappear, right, and just please the other person and move on with my life. But thankfully, because I’m sober and because I do respect myself and because I do have a much higher self-worth than I ever had in my life. I had my voice, my true voice, ring loudly in my head and that voice said Jess, you’ve done nothing wrong.

05:32
And just like that I snapped back into the present, back into my body, and that old guilt went away. So I took a deep breath and I looked the student in the eye and I interrupted them and I was like listen, well, here’s the thing. I started to interrupt them. They definitely did not like that either. Like I said, they were not having a good day. And so then I had to say like I am interrupting you because this conversation is over and I need you to leave my office.

06:00
And that was it right. I didn’t sit there and just continue to take a verbal lashing just because I felt bad. Right, I know exactly what I am okay with accepting and not accepting from others, and a huge part of that is from my sobriety. Y’all, the version of me who drank would have just sat there, spiraling 100%, trying to fix the situation, trying to make everyone comfortable, fearful of the consequences, right, doing all of this at the expense of my own peace. But the version of me who is sober, who is clear.

06:37
She stood her ground, and that is how I now treat myself today, with self-respect. I won’t tolerate being treated otherwise, and so that moment brings me back to the quote, which is that we really do teach people how to treat us right. It’s not just with our words, but it’s definitely with our energy, with our actions, what we allow and, honestly, what we straight up refuse to entertain. And so I want to leave you with this right Reflect for yourself In what ways do you teach others how to treat you?

07:16
Think about your words, think about your actions, think about even what you tolerate. Do you stand up for yourself? Do you let things slide when they shouldn’t? And you know how do you model the kind of respect that you expect right? Let that sit with you. And, again, if you feel like sharing, I’d love to hear from you. Right, find me on social, send me a message, send me an email, jessica, at bottomlessandsobercom, or, again, just reflect on it in your journal, right? So thanks so much for listening today. Take care of yourself, and I’ll see you in the next episode.

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In this episode:

In this episode, I shares my personal journey with addiction and the painful realization that no amount of love or intervention can save someone struggling with addiction—only the individual can choose to change. Drawing on my own experiences and a listener’s inquiry, I explain that while setting healthy boundaries is essential for those who support someone in recovery, self-care must come first. Ultimately, recovery is an inside job and that while support is available, the decision to heal must come from within.

Resources:

Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops⁠⁠

⁠Atomic Habits Book Study With The Luckiest Club⁠ – Starts February 6

⁠Six-Week Writing to Heal Program – Starts March 3⁠

Transcript:

00:04 – Jessica Dueñas (Host)
Hey all, today I want to talk about the idea of trying to save the person you love who is struggling with their addiction, because I’ve got news for you you cannot save them right. Here’s the thing earlier last week I think it was I received a message from a woman whose significant other is struggling with his own addiction and essentially the core of her message and inquiry was how could she get him to stop? We can’t right, and it hurts to just say that back to her, but essentially that is what my message back to her said. Right, they’re like. I get it.

00:40
It is so painful to watch someone struggle with their own battle. I remember in 2020 when I was with Ian and he was struggling with his addiction and he started to relapse on opiates, which were his drug of choice. I remember it was like grasping at straws. I had called his mom, I called his then sponsor, I hid stuff from him, I threatened with leaving him, I threatened with kicking him out of the house. Right, there were all these different things that I thought that I could do to somehow control the outcome, to somehow get the addicted person to drop their addiction. For me, as if I was so powerful and I learned very quickly upon his departure from this earth that there was nothing, nothing that I could have done. It was on him and unfortunately he was not in a place to stop. So I told this woman who reached out to me that that she can’t make her significant other stop drinking, that that choice has to come from within, from him, right? And so what do we do in these situations? How do we support those loved ones? How do we support ourselves? Right? Because here’s the thing.

01:55
The truth that I have learned in my journey is this we cannot love people into sobriety. We cannot love people into doing anything that we want them to do, right? I wish that love could have saved me from addiction. I wish that my sister, who practically raised me, could have loved me sober. Ignore that, sorry, that alarm that popped off. You know, I wish that. The people who had cried over me and begged me to stop drinking, you know, especially in 2020, when I was struggling so much, I wish that they could have protected me from myself. But their love, it wasn’t enough, right? Their calls, their concerns. None of that was going to change anything. It had to come from me, and that’s the truth.

02:44
The only person who can save someone who is struggling with addiction is the person with the addiction. I had to learn that the hard way right. I really thought that I could have saved Ian, and I couldn’t. I simply couldn’t, and even with my own sobriety, like I said, my sister tried so hard, but she couldn’t save me. My friends couldn’t save me. No one in my family, no one outside of me was going to be able to come and stop me from drinking. If love alone was enough to fix addiction, I would not have needed to go into treatment, because I’ve always been loved by others. You know, if willpower was enough to get me sober, I wouldn’t have again gone to treatment, I wouldn’t have spent years drowning in alcohol.

03:35
But recovery doesn’t work like that. It is absolutely an inside job, and so, yes, if you’re the one who is struggling with the addiction, you’re not going to be able to get out of it. You’re not going to be able to get out of it. You are the one who is empowered to change your life. The moment that you decide to take that step towards recovery, what you will find, however, is a community of people who are willing to walk beside you. There’s so many different places that you can go to for support, where someone, without knowing you, will a hundred percent have your back, simply because they understand exactly what it is like to walk in your shoes and struggle with a dependence to a substance. So there is 100% a life waiting for you on the other side. You are absolutely worthy of it.

04:17
But again, you need to understand no one is coming to save you. No one else can save you but yourself. But once you get started on that journey, do you need other people? Absolutely, doing it alone is incredibly hard. However, if you’re listening to this and you happen to be someone who loves someone that is struggling, you have to understand that you cannot save them. Your situation. You can absolutely set boundaries that protect your own peace. You can absolutely love this individual without enabling them no contact with the person who is struggling with their addiction so that they then can spiral even further and feel like they have even fewer things to live for. Right, definitely not saying that.

05:16
Are there cases where you’re going to have to go no contact because the person with the addiction is a risk to you or your family or your loved ones? Absolutely, there are times when that is the case, but if that isn’t the specific situation that you are in, then you don’t need to go to that extreme. But what you can do is set boundaries right, because what a boundary is? A boundary is a limit that teaches other people how they may stay in your life right. So, instead of going no contact, you can let the person know, with the addiction, what is okay or not okay for them to do around you and then, if they’re able to uphold that and stick to that, then that’s how you can show love, that is how you protect your peace, that is how you practice and protect what your limits are. But again, you can go no contact if you need to. If it’s a matter of protecting your peace, protecting your safety, protecting, say, your family, your home, your property, your career, do what you need to do. But you can offer them support as long as you’re not sacrificing yourself.

06:23
And the biggest thing that you always want to remember when you’re dealing with someone who struggles with addiction is that reminder, offering it to them that when they are ready, that help is out there, right. That when they are ready, you are willing to offer certain supports right. At the end of the day, they don’t have to go through the recovery journey by themselves, but you do have to protect yourself and your limits. So, at the end of the day, whether you are the one who loves someone who is struggling or whether you are the one who is struggling with the addiction, you’re not alone. Right? Addiction touches so many families in one way, shape or another, and so please remember that recovery is possible. There absolutely is hope. But while you’re holding out with the hope, right Like while you’re waiting for that miracle, remember that you are number one and remember to protect yourself, because if you aren’t taking care of you, there’s absolutely no way that you can be there for your loved one who is currently struggling.

07:32
So that is all I wanted to share with you all today, Food for thought. If you have any thoughts, any feedback, any tips that have worked for you and you want to reach out and share those, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me by email or on socials. I would love, love, love to engage more on this topic. It is definitely a difficult one. It’s a heartbreaker, for sure, when we wish that we could just love someone into doing the best thing for themselves and, the end of the day, they’ve got to save themselves. Thanks y’all, until next time.

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In this episode:

Valentine’s Day once amplified my feelings of lack and low self-worth, fueling my drinking and poor relationship choices. In this episode, I share how alcohol blurred red flags in dating and the moment I first admitted, “I think I might be an alcoholic.” Sobriety gave me clarity—red flags stay red now. Let’s reframe this season as a reminder of what we do have: self-worth, clarity, and choice.

Resources:

Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops⁠⁠

⁠Six-Week Writing to Heal Program – Starts March 3⁠

Transcript:

00:03 – Jessica Dueñas (Host)
Hey everyone, welcome back to the podcast. So this weekend, at the time of this recording, it is Valentine’s Day weekend and if you are anything like how I used to be, this time, this day, or Valentine’s Day weekend, et cetera, it might not bring up the warm, fuzzy feelings of love and connection you know. Instead, it might bring up painful reminders. It might bring up feelings of lack, feelings of lack of worth, and if you are in that space, I get it because I have totally been there For years. I let Valentine’s Day reinforce this idea that I was missing something and that that I wasn’t enough. Um, you know, I kind of carried that feeling anyway, but Valentine’s day kind of really put it, put a bright spotlight on it, right, like you go on social media, you see all these messages of love. Um, I have always worked with students, whether K through 12 or higher ed. So you know, everywhere I go, you know I see all these like balloons and flowers, and you know I see all the works happening Right and so convinced that I wasn’t enough. You know, even when I would have like these accolades and these external wins, so to speak, like winning teacher of the year, that still didn’t do anything for my, for my sense of self-worth, right Winning teacher of the year while drinking a fifth of alcohol a day, it just it didn’t help me any with my self-worth, especially when it came to dating and romance. I remember shortly after winning my teacher of the year award, I did what so many of us do who struggle with addiction, and that was still rushing into things and doing anything that I could to fill the void. When I went one teacher of the year, I had just gotten out of a relationship where there was a big betrayal that happened and I was left heartbroken and devastated and instead of taking that time right to work on myself to heal, I was just jumping into anything that I could to fill the void. And so alcohol filled the void, but so did romance, right. So did men. And so you know, it was just like, man after man, with dating, one disappointment after another.

02:22
What I noticed that would happen with alcohol is that alcohol would really help me ignore the red flags that would come up while dating these people. Alcohol would not just help me ignore the flags, but alcohol would actually almost erase them for me entirely, or just totally change their color, right, so that I could tell myself a brand new story, and I could convince myself that whoever I was seeing that it was okay. So the red flags they suddenly became pink, maybe even beige on occasion, and that was the impact of alcohol on my dating experience when I lived with low self-worth, right, I mean, I was so embarrassed y’all. I was so embarrassed by the men that I would let into my life. I was embarrassed about what it would say about me, and so I drank. I drank alone, I drank with them. It really didn’t matter. I would just drink to avoid facing the reality of who I was giving my time to, who I was giving my body to, who I was giving my energy to. There was one person in particular. We’ll call him Thomas.

03:35
After dating for a few months, we took a weekend trip to New York and we actually stayed at his brother’s house or apartment, because most people in New York really have apartments, and this brother of his actually was not a drinker, so there was no alcohol in the house. And so that weekend my drinking was suddenly limited. At this point I was already drinking a fifth a day, just for context as to how much I was drinking. So when my alcohol consumption was suddenly limited by the day of like not having alcohol, my body completely revolted. Right, I was telling myself that I had a stomach bug because I spent. You know, I was basically attached to the toilet, either stuck sitting on the toilet or stuck facing and looking down into the toilet. But deep down, you all, I knew what was really happening. I knew the truth. I was in withdrawal and the only cure was more alcohol. When I finally got my hands on some, I felt a million times better, until the buzz wore off and that sickness it just came back. It returned by the end of that trip.

04:48
You know we, we went back to the airport and we were going to fly back to Louisville this is when I live in Louisville, kentucky. And you know I had, finally, you know, whispered something to this. You know, quote, unquote Thomas, that I had really never said out loud before. You know this was in the months leading to my, the beginning of my recovery journey. And you know, quote, unquote Thomas, that I had really never said out loud before. You know, this was in the months leading to my, the beginning of my recovery journey. And you know, I, I whispered and I said I think I might be an alcoholic Right. And here’s the thing. The reason why was because we get to the airport right and again.

05:22
What I was starting to connect this weekend that I was in New York was that, when my buzz was starting to fade, I was starting to get violently sick, and so the only thing that helped me feel better was alcohol. We get to this airport I forget if it was LaGuardia or Kennedy and I go straight to the bar to buy a drink, but it was an early morning flight and none of the bars in the airport were open yet. They weren’t serving anything. When I tell you that I was driven to tears to see that the bar was closed because I was horrified at how sick I was about to feel, knowing that I had to get on a plane and fly, that was the moment when I uttered those words, right when I could suddenly just whisper, like I think I might be an alcoholic. To be fair, just FYI, at the time of this recording, 2025, I don’t use the term alcoholic to describe myself. I prefer alcohol use disorder or a person with an addiction. I like people first language. But you know, back in 2019, when this was happening, I wasn’t informed and I just use the term alcoholic just for context, but anyway. So I finally whispered and like, admitted, like I think I might be one, I think I might be an alcoholic. But here’s what happened with this guy Again, going back to these red flags turning beige or pink, right, this guy, you know, fake Thomas, because his real name was not Thomas, but we’ll use that name.

06:44
He like barely looked up at me and he was just, you know, he was on some. No, babe, like if you were really an alcoholic, you wouldn’t be doing all the amazing things you do, because, of course, at this time I had become the teacher of the year, I had been doing all these big things. So, of course, on the outside I looked amazing. And why would anyone believe that I struggled with an addiction? Right? So, you know, when I brought it up to him, he totally dismissed it, not to mention the fact that he also drank like a fish. But he pretty much was just like no, you can’t possibly be an alcoholic. Look at everything that you’re doing, look at your resume, look at, look at all that you offer to others. So he was just like yeah, we’re going to relax and get a drink as soon as we get back to Louisville and you’ll feel better.

07:27
And again, going back to those red flags turning beige and pink, I was like, yeah, sure, you’re right, you know. I let that logic of his soothe me, I let that logic of his erase the truth that I didn’t want to admit. This truth was bubbling up a little bit, just a little bit, and him saying, no, you can’t be an alcoholic, because look at all that you do. That was enough to pop those little bubbles surfacing, coming to the surface. And so you know, for the rest of that flight, I just rested my head on his shoulder.

08:01
I did my best to ignore those knots that were so painfully twisting inside of me and I just kept telling myself I just have to get through the flight, I just have to get through the flight, then we will stop, go to the liquor store on the way home and I will be fine. And so this is what I was settling for, you all in terms of relationships. I was settling for someone who ignored the fact that I raised a major concern about my health and my well-being. I think I’m addicted to alcohol was like, well, you’re fine, we’ll get you some more. What if they had been a different substance? What if I had said I think I’m addicted to crack cocaine, or I think I’m addicted to heroin? Would he have said okay, well, we’ll just go get some on the way home, you’ll be fine. Remove the alcohol and put in some other substances, and you can see how wild it is that this person took my concern and just wanted to offer me more. It makes no sense. So, anyway, I really was willing to settle for anyone, because my self-worth was so low that, no matter what I was accomplishing in the world, I was settling for anyone, as long as I didn’t have to be alone, okay.

09:21
But here’s the thing about sobriety it doesn’t just take away the alcohol, right, it doesn’t just take away the drinking, but it gives you back your clarity, right. So now, today, for me, my red flags, they stay red, right. When I see that in another person, I see it and there’s nothing suddenly fading it away, there’s nothing suddenly making it pink or beige. They stay the same. And for the first time, thanks to sobriety, I just see people for who they are. And so I started to realize that my self-worth, it couldn’t come from relationships, that my self-worth can’t come from achievements anymore, and it can’t come from the next big title. It has to come from me, it has to come from within.

10:15
The other thing that sobriety granted me, right, was learning that love, real love it’s not going to be found in the bottom of a bottle, and it’s not going to be found in someone who doesn a bottle, and it’s not going to be found in someone who doesn’t truly respect me or care for my health and wellbeing, right. It’s not going to come from someone who’s going to offer me a poisonous substance. That’s it period. So if today, if this season, if this weekend, if it feels like a reminder of what you don’t have, if it feels like a reminder of a low sense of worth or lack, let me offer you a different perspective.

10:54
Okay, this time, sobriety, let it be a reminder of what you do have, because you do have your worth, you do have your clarity and you do have the power of choice, right. For as long as you are alive, for as long as you are breathing, you are empowered to make better decisions every single day, even if it’s small, little decisions. And so you have your choice to no longer settle for anything less than what you deserve. And so, before we wrap up, I want to leave you with a question to reflect on, and that is what is one red flag, whether it’s in relationships, friendships or even in yourself, that you once ignored but now you can see clearly, especially if you are sober.

11:42
So take a moment, sit with that, reflect on it and if you feel like sharing, find my email, send me an email, tag me on social media. I would love, love, love to hear from you. But with that, friends, thanks for listening. Happy Valentine’s day and remember to choose yourself, even in your partnership, even if as a part of a community. Again, we don’t live in isolation. But remember to choose and prioritize yourself first, and everything else falls, falls in line. Thanks y’all. Take care, catch you on the next one.

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In this episode:

How we see ourselves shapes the choices we make every day. In this episode, I dive into the game-changing concept from James Clear’s Atomic Habits: the power of identity-based habits. I share how fully embracing the mindset of “I’m a non-drinker” can become a turning point in anyone’s sobriety journey—helping me push past societal pressures and self-doubt.

We’ll explore how shifting your self-perception can make or break your personal growth, and why the key to lasting change isn’t just about what you do, but who you believe you are. Plus, we’ll discuss why there’s no one-size-fits-all approach and how to create strategies that truly resonate with your unique path.

Resources:

Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops⁠⁠

⁠Six-Week Writing to Heal Program – Starts March 3⁠

Transcript:

00:03 – Jessica Dueñas (Host)
Hey everyone, great to have you this week. I wanted to talk a little bit about identity and how identity can impact the decisions that we make and the habits that we’re trying to build. Now this conversation realistically, it’s inspired by the fact that I am currently leading a book study for the community of the Luckiest Club, and we are specifically talking about James Clear’s book Atomic Habits right and one. I’m going to pull two quotes from the text and, yes, you might hear baby noises in the background because my baby’s asleep while I’m recording this but I’m going to pull two quotes from Atomic Habits for your food for thought as a listener today. So the first quote from his book is research has shown that once a person believes in a particular aspect of their identity, they are more likely to act in alignment with that belief. And then the second quote is that every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity. So here is the thing Identity does play a huge role in shaping our actions In terms of recovery right and the sobriety work that we do if we see ourselves as someone who is struggling to stay sober or someone who is trying to quit drinking, we might unconsciously act in ways that actually continue to reinforce that struggle, right? A perfect example might be let’s say we have two different people and both of them are working on a sobriety journey. One of them believes that they are a non-drinker and the other one they just believe that they’re trying to quit drinking. And so they both go to dinner or a happy hour with friends or colleagues, right, and each of them is offered a drink. The person you know, james Clear, would say that the person who identifies as a non-drinker, they would literally sit there and say no thanks, I don’t drink, right. But then you have the person who is trying to quit drinking, who identifies as trying to quit, and what they might say is oh, I’m, I’m trying to quit, right, or maybe I’m doing a 30 day 30 day like the whole 30, or I’m doing I’m taking some medication right now, so I can’t have any alcohol right now. So, in terms of what is more effective, what is more likely going to get you to successfully actually stay a non-drinker, it would be the person’s attitude who is just like no thanks, I’m not a drinker or I don’t drink. It’s confident, it’s clear, it’s concise. It gets that point across.

02:50
Oftentimes, when we sound kind of waffly in our messaging, when we sound unsure of a no, what other people might try to do is find solutions for us, right? If, for example, you’re saying, oh well, I’m not trying to drink right now because I’m working on a new health habit, or you know, I’m doing a 30-day cleanse, or something like that, the people that you’re with can easily respond with a solution for you, right? They can say oh well, girl, you can start this tomorrow, it’s okay, you know it’s Saturday, you can start this on Sunday, right? Or if you’re saying that you’re doing it, say, for weight loss not that I advocate for like weight loss, but you know, if you’re saying that you’re doing it for that kind of a reason, again someone could just jump in and say oh, you’re fine, you can do it tomorrow. However, when you identify as a non-drinker and you state that clearly to other people I’m not a drinker there’s not really anything that they can do. Oh, let me change your identity for you. No, no one is going to say that. And so when you state very clearly that who you are is a non-drinker, that message comes across very, very strongly. And so, yes, when you start to believe that I am a non-drinker, or I am a sober person, or you know I’m someone who prioritizes my wellbeing, it is much easier for our actions to start to align with that identity.

04:12
Because, basically, what James Clear argues in Atomic Habits is that when you try to have outcomes-based habits first, right. When all you’re focusing on is specifically the behavior I can’t drink, I’m not going to drink, I’m going to abstain it’s going to be harder for you, as opposed to just saying I’m a non-drinker. Again, there’s just that confidence at the core of that. That really helps all the decisions radiate from there. Right, you can use a guiding question what would a non-drinker say? What would a non-drinker say? What would a non-drinker do? What would a non-drinker drink here? Right, and that really helps the person move and navigate the different situations.

04:52
What I will pause and say, though, at this moment is however you get sober, you know it really doesn’t matter. So if you, right now, are listening to this and you are making up all sorts of little lies to the people around you just to avoid drinking alcohol, fine, right, like if you have to say that you’re doing a 30-day cleanse, or if you’re saying, oh, I’m extending my dry January into February. Whatever you need to do, that is working for you. Keep doing it right. The purpose of this is not to shame the people who are not being direct. It is not to shame you if you are still not comfortable with openly identifying as a non-drinker right. But what this is pointing out to you is that it might make your life a little bit easier if you do identify as a non-drinker right. If there is a little swag in your step when you say that you don’t drink. It will probably make your life easier. But again, if right now, what is working for you is, you know, sort of doing the little delicate dance around how you express this to other people, it’s totally fine, right.

06:00
Again, it takes what it takes. Everyone’s journey is different and no matter what you do to get sober, you are always going to learn really powerful lessons about every decision that you make and every action that you take. Lessons about every decision that you make and every action that you take. So, whatever you’re doing, pause, soak it in and learn from it, because it’s going to give you valuable experience that will either help you later on or it can help you help someone else later on. So carry on. But again, food for thought there, but anyway.

06:29
So just going back to again this idea of the non-drinker right, when we’re a non-drinker and then we choose not to drink, you know we’re setting these clear boundaries with ourselves and for others. We are showing up for ourselves Again, we’re showing up for that identity that we are holding on to, the non-drinker identity. And so we are. We’re doing that vote, casting right. Going back to that quote every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. Every time we’re identifying as a non-drinker and we’re taking action according to that identity, we are casting that vote. We’re building up that evidence. We’re building up that proof that look at all the things that I do to show that I am a non-drinker. It’s not a single moment that’s defining us right. It’s not our sobriety date that identifies us as a non-drinker. It’s all the different things that we do that build that evidence for that new life.

07:27
And so you know things to think about. How has your sense of identity shifted since working on sobriety? Do you identify as a non-drinker or are you still someone who’s trying to quit, a drinker who’s trying to quit. Think about the votes, right? What actions have you taken to support being a non-drinker? So, if you are currently in a space where you are struggling with your actual sobriety, maybe you’re getting a couple of days, then you’re drinking again, et cetera.

08:01
Think about that. What are your actions looking like? Maybe it’s time to take stock and write out all the different things that you do throughout the day to set you up, to see what you need to change, so that it looks like what a non-drinker would do. And then also, let’s say you are already practicing this idea of I am a non-drinker. Maybe you are having that little nasty voice that we all have in our heads, right, it might be creeping in and trying to tell you that you’re not right, trying to tell you like, oh, but you just drank a couple months ago. What do you mean? You’re not a drinker, right? So how can you remind yourself is built by your actions, right? And it’s not built by perfection, right? Progress, not perfection.

08:45
And then the last question for you to think about is what new identity are you working toward in your recovery? So, beyond the non-drinker part, is there anything else that you are hoping to be. So again, maybe you are the person who prioritizes your well-being, and how can you reinforce that in your daily habits? So I’ll share a little bit about some of my thoughts on some of these questions. So for me, you know, my sense of identity has absolutely shifted to I don’t drink, I’m a non-drinker, and you know the votes that I’ve cast in that direction. I mean, mean it’s, it’s included.

09:22
You know, earlier on in my journey, um, I was careful about where I went. So, in terms of the votes, right, the places that I went to were places where I was not going to be tempted to drink. Right, because I wasn’t trying to have to use a lot of willpower, so to speak, to avoid alcohol. So life was much easier if I was in places where practicing being a non-drinker was easy. So, opting for coffee shops versus bars right, when I was dating. Opting for dates where we could go get coffee, go on a walk, instead of doing a date that was like at a bar, at a happy hour, for example.

09:58
Whenever that negative voice creeps into my head, which it still really tries to, even today, right, I literally will pull out my journal and write a list of things that counter that voice. I’m very visual, you know, self-talk can be great, but for me I need to see the self-talk in action. See the self-talk in action. So sure, I can try to self-talk about certain things, but I need to see on paper the evidence that counters any negative voice in my head. And then, in terms of other new identities that I’m working toward in my recovery at this time, I would say probably, since obviously I just had a baby right, a big identity like I am a mother.

10:42
But I have decided that I define a good mother as one who nurtures and protects and provides guidance, and this is pretty much kind of following Kelly McDaniel’s framework from her book Mother Hunger. And so how do I know that I’m being that good mother Right? And it’s that I have to write down the different things that I do for my daughter. So far, I mean, she’s only a seven week old baby, but you know, if she’s crying I pick her up and I comfort her, right? I’m not like letting her just cry things out. I’m not subscribing to the narrative that I’ve been told in my culture that you know, you just have to let a baby cry, otherwise they’re getting spoiled. I’m like, just had to let a baby cry, otherwise they’re getting spoiled. I’m like, uh, I’m sorry, a seven week old doesn’t look like they can conspire to do much, so I’m going to pick up the baby when the baby is crying and that’s that right. So, um, there’s that nurturance piece, for example.

11:34
But again for you, I’ll read these questions again and please go grab a journal or just sit and reflect on these. How has your sense of identity shifted since choosing sobriety? What small votes have you cast recently that align with the person you want to be? When self-doubt creeps in, how can you remind yourself that your identity is built by actions and not perfection? And lastly, what new identity are you working toward in your recovery and how can you reinforce it in your daily habits? So it’s a lot of good stuff to reflect on. Again, life and I highly recommend reading the book Atomic Habits by James Clear but seriously, practicing actions and transforming your habits becomes much easier when you identify as a person who does these things, as opposed to just this desperate grasp for having these outcomes, for having these behaviors. So again, thanks so much for listening and I hope to catch you in the next episode.

Return to Podcast Directory

Link to Spotify

In this episode:

Can joy and grief coexist? In this episode, I reflect on welcoming my daughter, Amara, while mourning my mother, Amable Rojas Vargas. From her journey from Costa Rica to Brooklyn to the complexities of our relationship, I explore the beauty in duality through the lens of sobriety and recovery.

I also dive into the grip of fear—how it shapes our choices, from plane crashes to everyday risks—and the dangers of isolation. Let’s navigate these emotions together, finding strength in connection and shared experiences.

Resources:

Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops⁠⁠

⁠Atomic Habits Book Study With The Luckiest Club⁠ – Starts February 6

⁠Six-Week Writing to Heal Program – Starts March 3⁠

Transcript:

00:00 – Jessica Dueñas (Host)
Hey everyone, happy February. Well, I mean, I hope it’s a happier month than last month, but we’ll see. Right, we don’t control the future. So there’s two things I wanted to talk about in today’s episode. First, I wanted to talk about fear. I do have baby. I’m wearing the baby, so if you hear little sounds, that’s what you’re hearing in the background. But I wanted to talk about fear and I wanted to talk about my mom my mom. I’ll talk about her a little bit first and then I’ll talk about fear. So, just in a personal announcement, I think if you’ve been listening, you know that I delivered my baby girl on Saturday December 21st. Amara was born. Saturday December 21st.

00:44
Amara was born and five weeks later, on January 25th, my mother, amalia Rojas Vargas, passed away. She was 85 years old. She had been living, had gone back to live in Costa Rica since 2016. She was that’s where she was born and raised and she immigrated to the United States when she was about 30, maybe 31 years old and she had moved to Brooklyn in the early 1970s where she met my dad and then she eventually had my sister and then, way down the line, 1985 had me. I was totally unexpected.

01:20
She always tells me this funny story where she was 45 when she was pregnant with me and she was not trying, and so I guess when she was pregnant and her period didn’t come and then she was having all these symptoms, she wasn’t feeling good. So she goes to the doctor in Brooklyn and the doctor was a Cuban doctor, so he spoke Spanish also, and she apparently had told the doctor like I think I’ve la menopausia, like I think I’ve got menopause or I’m premenopausal, et cetera, and I guess the doctor probably did a urine test, right. And then essentially he comes back in and he’s like señora esa menopausa tiene patitas, you know, saying like ma’am, that menopause that you think you have has little feet. And she always, especially in her last years, you all, she loved telling me that story over and over and over again, right, as her like memory declined, that story like really anchored her whenever she saw me and she loved telling that story to other people. She just loved, loved telling people how she thought she was going through menopause.

02:26
And then, surprise, there came little Jessica, right, little Jessica who grew to be like five foot nine, over 200 pounds, you know, and my mom is tiny, my mom was tiny, she was barely five feet tall, so you know we had a sizable size difference, but anyway. So the thing with her right is that she was such a complex human being she was. I promise you, she was the most complex human being that I ever loved, ever, ever loved. And what I’m so grateful for in terms of recovery and the work that it takes to stay sober over the period of years, is that we can really recognize the beauty of the duality in things. Right, I often say and in many recovery spaces you hear people say two things can be true at once. A hundred percent the case here, right, because for me in this postpartum period, not only have I gotten to experience the immense joy of having this beautiful little girl that’s like latched onto me all the time, right, and I’ve also lost my own mother, and so there’s that joy and that grief that get to coexist and remind me that being a human is complex period. But then my mom herself was such a complex human being, right, I have so many beautiful memories with her and it breaks my heart. I will never hear her crack another joke. I will never hear her say that story again, y’all. I will never hear her imitate that Cuban doctor telling her that her menopause has little feet, never will get to hear that through my ears again. I have very curly hair. I have ringlets, tiny little ringlets, and my mom has pretty much like wavy, straight hair and she used to love just touching my curls, right, because it’s just such a different texture compared to her hair. I will never have a human being touch my hair with that same affection that she touched my hair with. Now I will get to do that to my daughter. You know I will get to tell her little stories. I will get to touch her hair. You know I will get to do all those things, but I will never get that done to me again and that hurts so much. On the flip side, right, I have these beautiful memories with her and I have some difficult memories with her.

04:56
If you’ve listened to my story, we I’ve been honest about how you know my mom had. You know my mom accepted societal norms, which many people do. Right, most people live in a space of accepting societal norms because most of us we don’t sit there and analyze if something really is like in alignment with us or if it’s not right. Your average person is just kind of going through the motions, like they’re told that this looks good and they’re like, yeah, that is beautiful, okay, I’m going to go for it. And you know, my mom was one of those people. My mom accepted European beauty standards.

05:28
So growing up there were comments made about my skin tone. Sometimes I needed to stay out the sun If my hair was doing a little too much. We had to go to the Dominicans I get it straightened out with some major heat and like relaxer and all that. And then especially body size, right Again, my mom was five feet. She was petite, tiny, tiny, slim woman. I am five foot nine and I weigh 200 pounds now Right.

05:52
And when I was younger I was even bigger and so that was not okay with my mom. She was worried for me in her mind that you know a, I mean, you know the narrative that you can’t be healthy at every size. But then to this idea that I wasn’t beautiful because my body wasn’t small and I was taking up too much space, and so I dealt with a lot of fat chaining from her. And again, am I pissed at her for it anymore? No, because I’ve done the work to realize that again she was operating out of like what was the best that she could do, and I can now do better, right. So I know what not to do with my daughter, for example. But again, my mom was complex and at the time when I was young, yeah, all that hurt. And so, yes, eventually, right, I ate to feel better and then, eventually, when I had access to alcohol, the alcohol made me feel a lot better too, until, surprise, the alcohol didn’t. I became addicted to it, and here we are right in recovery now, years later. Here we are right in recovery now, years later.

07:00
So I say that to hold space for the fact that there is this duality in so many of us too, right, and when we can see the beauty in it as opposed to just blatantly harshly judging the negative, there can be a lot of growth there. Right, again, the negative side of my mom. I see exactly where it came from and I’m not faulting her for it. I’m not knocking her for it, right, she didn’t have an opportunity because she was too busy working and trying to survive, being an immigrant in a country that can’t stand her right To really do much reflection and personal growth. So I can’t knock her for that. But you know what I have the privilege to do that personal growth and to do that work and that reflective piece so that I don’t have to, you know, put my daughter through some of those same things. But that’s the gift that I have from my mom, having worked so hard that I got to have some privileges. What I also do want to recognize, though, is that there are some people where there is no duality to be seen, and so I just want to have that kind of like as a sidebar for anybody who maybe has had a parent that was abusive, right, or completely like, only caused harm. I want to recognize that someone like that, there, there is no duality, there’s no duality to them, right, and so if you are hearing this and you’re like, no, there’s no way I can see a positive to my parent because of X, y, z, totally fine, right? I’m just offering my reflections on my mother and my experience with her as a parent, so I just wanted to really share that about her.

08:46
I encourage you to reflect on in terms of just dealing with grief if you have dealt with any loss right. First, I want to recognize grief is not always just after the death of a person. You can experience grief in just simply the change of a lifestyle right. There may be pain in letting go of alcohol, for example. There may be pain in letting go of certain habits or certain people that did not serve you while you’re doing this work of growing yourself. So, in a time of grief, how do you show your strength right and what can you learn about yourself in this process of shedding? So definitely, think about your own resilience and, you know, recognize the tools that you might already be having. You know you might you probably have some tools to help you navigate.

09:38
The other quick thing that I just wanted to mention before jumping off today is I wanted to talk a little bit about fear. So again, 2025 has been wild. It is only at the time of this recording, it’s only February 1st, and things have been incredibly heavy, incredibly difficult, and the headlines this week, especially with travel, with air travel, are terrifying. Right, there have been two plane crashes in the last few days and for some of you, you may have a trip coming up and you’re thinking like man, I really need to go ahead and just cancel this trip because it’s not safe to fly. I’m always going to say you need to do whatever you need to do to feel safe in your body, because if you are not feeling safe in your body, a lot of things are not going to be working in your favor. Right, it’s hard to make good decisions when you’re feeling terrified. When you are in fight or flight mode, or even fawning mode. You are not making the healthiest or best decision. So if deciding to not travel is the mood for you, go for it. Is the mood for you, go for it.

10:39
What I do want to offer is just that reminder, though, that when, when the news gets scary, when the world is falling apart, right, what can we do to protect ourselves mentally as well? Because the first thing that happens for some of us, for many of us, when these headlines pop up, is that we automatically insert ourselves into that headline. So if there was again, for example, the Washington DC incident with that plane collision with the helicopter, we’re automatically putting ourselves in that situation and we’re assuming that it’s going to happen to us next. I’m not saying it’s impossible, right, anything is possible, but what are the actual chances that it will also happen to you? And I think that that’s an important thing to reflect on, right, because here’s the thing for so many of us.

11:32
The reality is is that traveling in a car is way more dangerous than actually setting foot on a plane and flying. And yet so many of us, on a daily basis, we get into our vehicles and we drive somewhere. And I’ll even add that maybe you yourself are not the one driving, because maybe you do have some anxiety and you don’t like driving right, or maybe you have a DUI and your license got taken away so you can’t drive, so you’re not the one driving the vehicle. But even then you might be setting foot in a vehicle that someone else is driving, and so that’s even less control that you have over the situation, because now you’re trusting someone else with your safety and your life, getting into a car where, statistically, driving is more dangerous than flying. I point that out to say that we still trust the process and we still get into these cars and we still go right, despite the fact that driving is more dangerous than flying. Why? Because we can’t stop our entire lives and stay locked up in our homes and not go to work or not go to school or not go to the grocery store or not go to our appointments, right, we can’t just suddenly not do these things for the most part. So we just trust and we get into these vehicles and we basically put our lives on the line on a regular basis, but we still do it and we don’t even think about it. Or maybe we do, maybe we do think about it a little bit.

12:54
So my offering there is that, the same way that you have that energy to get into the car and keep going is go, continue your trips. Don’t cancel. Don’t cancel living your life because of the news headlines, because the only person that that is hurting is you. Right, it’s almost like when I have told people in the past you know when the world is falling apart, and sometimes the instinct to drink kicks in. The reality is that doing that drinking does not fix the world’s problems. It doesn’t make anything better for you. If anything, it’s hurting you. That’s the same thing when you remove yourself from things that you’re looking forward to, when you lock yourself up in your home right, you are only hurting yourself.

13:40
And what works for me? But it only works based off, you know, belief systems, right, and if you have a different belief system, this might not work for you, but I’m of the belief system that I I’m confident that when it’s my time, it’s my time and there’s literally nothing that I can do to push off whenever that time is going to be, to push off whenever that time is going to be, and I’m pretty confident that whenever my time comes, it’s not determined by a power on this earth, and I’m pretty confident that it’s determined by something much greater than me or you or anything else that’s going on systems, the government, et cetera. And I share that with you if it helps you, because that is how I help, that’s how my nervous system stays regulated, when I trust that whatever’s going on is beyond my control and that I stand to not gain anything from removing myself from the human experience. It isolation is a really difficult thing to deal with you all, and isolation hurts us incredibly, incredibly. So the next time that you are thinking of isolating yourself, removing yourself from the world’s experiences, you can right. If again, if it’s going to help regulate your nervous system, do what you need to do, but also just remember at what cost are you doing this? And is it like? Do you stand to gain anything from removing yourself from living life at this point? Because in a sense, it’s almost like you’re you’re. It hurts, it really hurts, to isolate yourself and be removed from the world. So, anyway, I’m about to just go off into a ramble, so I’m going to use that as a hint to just stop.

15:29
I offer you this affirmation and hopefully it lands with some of you, and Amara does too. She’s starting to grumble here on my chest. But the affirmation is I allow myself to feel the full depth of my emotions. I do not walk alone. I am supported, loved and strong.

15:51
Even if you don’t have an immediate personal connection right now that you feel like you can turn to and go to, I want you to understand that someone else on this planet is feeling whatever you are feeling, and if you close your eyes and just remind yourself of that, that someone else has the same or similar experience to you, that can really help. And the best way to find someone else who’s having a similar experience to you is to open your mouth and and share with someone, just one other person. Even if they don’t know exactly what you’re going through, they can say I hear you. They can say that sounds hard and maybe help point you in a direction for support. So with that, you all, I will catch you in the next episode. Sending you so much love. Take good care of yourselves.

Return to Podcast Directory

Link to Spotify

In this episode:

Motherhood, success, and relationships often come with rigid societal expectations, but I’ve chosen a different route—one that prioritizes authenticity and personal growth over conventional norms. Living with 650 college students while navigating parenthood and sobriety was never on my life plan, yet here I am, embracing this unconventional journey. Listen in as I’ve learned to redefine societal norms and confront the often paralyzing feeling of shame.

Resources:

⁠Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops⁠⁠

⁠Atomic Habits Book Study With The Luckiest Club⁠

⁠Six-Week Writing to Heal Program – Starts March 3⁠

Transcript:

00:00 – Jessica Dueñas (Host)
Hey y’all, for today’s episode, I want to talk about the idea of breaking societal norms, but also battling the shame that can come along with battling and fighting societal norms. So, for some context, right those of you who may not know this my day job. Right, because you can be a coach, you can be teaching classes, you can be doing all the things. But in this day and age, a lot of folks who are entrepreneurs still have day jobs, and so I am one of them. And so for work, I work at a university, in the office of residence life, and I run a residence hall. So my first career in education, I was a middle school public school teacher, special education. I taught for 13 years.

00:47
When I got sober, which was in 2020, in the middle of a pandemic, I needed to step away from the K through 12 setting because I needed to get my life together and get sober. In the transition from that job to working in higher ed, I was working with a private tutoring company, and then I decided to get back into education in the thick of it, and you don’t get much more in the thick of it than running a residence hall. I feel like I can compare it to almost being like a dorm mom, so to speak. Right Like fun fact. When I went to college and I lived in residence halls myself, I had no idea that every college has basically a professional staff member who lives in these dorms with students. Right, like who would have thought, but fun fact, they exist and pretty much every college has them and you have a team of live on professionals who they get staff housing and that is a part of their compensation for the work that they do. Right, because it’s really important to have some sort of professional available to live with these college students. And you have some on duty capacity. So, no, I don’t work 24 hours a day when I’m at work in my professional role, but sometimes I am available or I have to be made available if I’m on duty.

02:07
So anyway, just fun facts, right Like that, that’s the day work that I do because, obviously, like as much as I love being a life coach for people in recovery and things like that, at this time I need to make sure that the bills are paid. So you know a regular day job is required. So anyway, to give you some context about the specific community that I live in, I like I have this really beautiful apartment and it’s nestled in a building that houses 650 college students, most of them are sophomores, so I’m thinking about 19 to 20 years old. And when you think about, like you take a minute and flashback to when you were 19 or 20, right, your decision-making was probably not the best. Your brain was not fully developed, that’s for sure, and a lot of times you’re just figuring yourself out too. And this is your first time having roommates, right, your first time. All the firsts are happening at this age for a lot of the students that I live among and work with and help, guide and support and nurture when they need it, and all of that good stuff.

03:16
But the funniest thing happened the other day. Right, I gave birth to Amara, my daughter, on December 21st and the residence halls had been empty because it was winter break, so there weren’t really any students around, maybe a few who were taking like a winter class, but mostly everyone was gone and they all came back last week. The resident assistants came back two weeks ago and, again, for context, I run a team of resident assistants of RAs, right, I’m their supervisor, so, yeah, so they opened the building. Again. I’m still on maternity leave, so I’m around but not really working. But yeah, I’m obviously around. So I leave my apartment to go throughout the trash or you know, run an errand, et cetera, and my baby is here, right. So there is this little infant newborn, living among 615, 15, 19 year olds, which is wild and fun fact, because I felt at first like no one would ever have a baby. In a residence hall for people who work in this position, it’s really common for them to have spouses, children, et cetera. Again, who would have thought that entire families are raised on college campuses Did not know that. But now here I am doing the thing, right. So, anyway, the other day I had Amara wrapped up to my body using one of those really amazing wraps that I would die without, because it’s so great to be able to wear your baby and do things. So I was wearing her and I was taking out some trash to go to the trash room.

04:53
And as soon as I walk out of my apartment and I make eye contact with a student, I felt this hot shame just overwhelm my body and in my mind I’m like I only feel that way when I’ve done something wrong, but I’m not really doing anything wrong right now. So what the hell is going on, right? The thing with being sober and the thing about being in recovery the longer that you’re in it, those really uncomfortable feelings such as feeling hot with shame, where you want to like hide under a rock and disconnect from everyone and you think that, like you’re not worthy of connection and you know how dare you even exist on the planet. You can have those feelings and instead of just a hundred percent trusting those feelings and 100% believing that those feelings are accurate and the truth, you can stop and just get curious about those feelings and do a little bit of a deeper dive to figure out what is going on here, right? What else can be true? True?

06:08
So the old me, the Jessica, who was addicted to alcohol, would have felt hot with shame and would have immediately taken that shame at face value and been like you know what? There is something wrong with me, right? What’s wrong with me? Something’s wrong with me and I’m just going to jump and lean into this feeling that feels awful and believe it. And this feeling is a fact and I can’t handle it. And so I’m now going to go drink and go down this whole spiral. Right, that would have been the old Jessica’s behaviors. But Jessica, who has not been sober for years, felt this really uncomfortable feeling, recognized it, and I asked myself what else could be true, right Like what do I need to learn about myself, given this really uncomfortable feeling that I’m having? That’s so familiar, but I don’t know why it’s coming up. And so I had to slow down and dig in. And so here’s what came up for me, and hopefully you can go through this process for yourself and it can help you.

07:05
So, once I started thinking about what am I feeling ashamed about? The first thing is that I realized that it’s not coming from the students, right Like, at the end of the day, I am not worried about the opinions of children, essentially 19 year olds, who, like I said earlier, their brains haven’t developed. They’re figuring themselves out right, they are operating off the narratives that their parents offered them or that their homes or their communities offered them. So they don’t really know what they’re doing themselves. So clearly their opinions are not that important. But in the moment of that shame I really know what they’re doing themselves. So clearly their opinions are not that important, but in the moment of that shame I really felt that they were. So the shame really is not coming from them.

07:48
But the thing with the shame that I was experiencing was that it was rooted in societal norms that I hadn’t yet really been confronting, hadn’t yet really been confronting right. And I’m not a stranger to confronting societal norms right and challenging them. Because to get sober, I sold a house that I had in Louisville, kentucky, a nice house, a house with a yard, right, something that externally and in society would have been a marker of success. And I had to get rid of the house and move into my sister’s guest room with my dog. So from the outside that looks like a big L right, that looks like a huge loss. But the reality was when I confronted that norm that I recognized that I was better in my sister’s guest room with my dog because I was sober than if I would have stayed in Louisville, kentucky, in the nice house right, because I would have been drunk in that nice house slowly killing myself because I had alcoholic liver disease. So there was one example of a society, societal norm that I have confronted and challenged and understand that like I don’t live in shame because of that.

08:54
Another example of societal norm that for many years I challenged it was choosing to be childless. I’m 39 years old and I just had my daughter. She will be the only child that I have. I don’t plan on having more, but before her, before she came in the picture, I intentionally did not want to get pregnant, which goes way against societal norms for women, especially of childbearing age. Imagine I went through my entire twenties and essentially my entire thirties not wanting to have children. Even when I was in serious relationships, I opted to not get pregnant. And why did I go against that societal norm? Because it was in the best interest for myself, and it was in the best interest for myself and it was in the best interest for that child.

09:42
I was not going to rush to get pregnant by anybody, just so that I can say that I’m a mom, just so I can say that I have given birth to a human being, right? I refused to enter into the category of motherhood until I felt that I was in a place to be ready to do so. So what happened? At 39 years old, here comes my geriatric pregnancy, where I finally felt that I was safe enough as a person to be a home base and a rock and a foundation for a little vulnerable human being and I’m so glad that I challenged that societal norm of trying to have a kid when I was younger, et cetera, not to mention special mention to the fact that I once was married when I was younger right, a marker of success in this society and then got divorced by the time I was 31 or 32. Right, that was a technical failure right Again, based on society’s expectations. However, I was much better off being single than being with the person who I was married to. That’s a whole other story.

10:52
I’m not getting into it right now but, again, right, we can take any situation, any rule that we’re breaking, and slow down and ask ourselves like is this societal norm true for us? Is living by the societal norm serving us? Or am I just, you know, trying to regurgitate something that has been shoved down my throat? And if not, I can ask myself what is my truth? So now, moving into today, in January 2025, I’m looking at a couple of societal norms that I realized I had not really been confronting, because they’re all brand new to me, so to speak, because I only have been a mom for what a month.

11:33
So it’s this messaging that I’ve been kind of grappling with you should be married before having children. You should own a house to raise a child. Both parents should live under the same roof. So, for context, I am not married. I already just said that I live in, though it’s a very nice apartment. It’s a nice apartment, you know, bundled, you know, in the middle of a residence hall, right, and my partner and I, we actually we work together. We literally are right across the street from one another, but we’re not physically under the exact same roof. So we’re a non-traditional setup, primarily because of the work that we do, essentially. So it’s always funky to explain it, but essentially, like, think of us as being next door neighbors, essentially, but we’re just not in the same, under the same roof. So, with that being said, those are three societal norms right there that I am breaking by the walking out into that hallway and I’m feeling that shame, what others are seeing me. It’s that I just I hadn’t done the work to unpack these societal norms and decide am I fitting this or am I not fitting this, or does this serve me or am I choosing to make it my own definition? And so, as I broke down each belief, that was the clarity that came up for me, right, that none of these things. At the end of the day, none of them define the kind of mother that I want to be for my daughter, amara.

13:16
If you have not read the book Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel, I highly highly recommend it. The book Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel I highly highly recommend it. Kelly McDaniel in Mother Hunger defines what an ideal mother can be. Essentially that if a mother does not do the following three things, that her daughter will have some sort of a wound from her childhood experience which will then come up in her relationships with others, et cetera. So it’s these three things that a mother should be a nurturer, provide guidance and protect her child. Right, if there’s a lack of any of those three areas, that’s where you’ll experience some sort of a gap, and then the daughter experiences mother hunger. When and to put it out there, that’s the type of mother that I aspire to be. I want to be a nurturer, I want to provide guidance and I want to protect my daughter.

14:10
So when I think about motherhood in that regard, when I define ideal motherhood as that, I realize I don’t need a marriage certificate, I don’t need an actual house and I don’t need a traditional living arrangement to do that. I don’t need anyone but myself and, more importantly, I don’t need anyone but myself as a sober woman in order to accomplish these things. Now let me clarify before it sounds like I’m being miss, like hyper-independent I don’t mean that I don’t need anyone, period. I do need community, I do need support, I do need everyone in my life. I need my partner, I need my daughter’s father like a hundred percent. I need him and my family and everybody who’s involved in the childcare process. I’m not saying I don’t need them, but what I’m saying is that I don’t need my relationships with them to look a certain way in order for me to successfully nurture, guide and protect my daughter.

15:15
And so once I had this aha moment, right that I sat down and I broke down these beliefs and I realized that these beliefs don’t apply to me, it was like a breath of fresh air. I was like, okay, and so what I want to offer you, right, is that the next time that you might be experiencing shame, when it starts to creep in, just take a moment and pause. Right, there’s a reason why you’re feeling shame, but it doesn’t mean that whatever it’s telling you is true. It doesn’t mean that it’s a fact. Our feelings are not facts. So ask yourself, is this feeling coming up for me because of something I’ve done right, like, have I actually done something wrong or am I just buying into a narrative that doesn’t truly serve me?

16:10
Once you give yourself the opportunity to let go of these narratives, it really gives you the space to become who you need to be right, and so, in my case, letting go of these narratives has allowed me to show up for Amara and work on continuing to show up for Amara as she develops as the mother that I have wanted to be right, and so I couldn’t do that if I was still holding on to these requirements that were determined and put out there by society. I have to define what’s right for me, and then I have to move forward with what I’m defining for myself. But again, we’re humans we get busy, we forget to slow down, we forget to reflect, we forget to journal, and then it can be so quickly or we can just so quickly get caught up in thinking that really isn’t genuine to us. So that was all I just wanted to share, those thoughts for today’s episode. Thanks so much for listening, and I’ll catch you in the next one.

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