Author: Jessica Dueñas

In this episode:

Link to Spotify

I connect with Martin Lockett, who recently reached the second anniversary of his release from prison after serving 17.5 years for a DUI manslaughter charge. Martin provides an insightful reflection on his childhood, particularly the mindset of a teen trapped in a cycle of making poor choices and how an environment can impact an individual. Martin also discusses how the experience of causing a tragedy and subsequently going to prison, instead of cementing the ceiling placed over his head by society, enabled him to shatter it.

Content warning – Description of a car crash and death

Resources:

Martin Lockett – Public Speaker, Author, Counselor

Follow Martin on Instagram

Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Writing Classes, and Workshops

Transcript:

My apologies, there were technological issues and I was unable to pull the transcript for this recording.

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In this episode:

Link to Spotify

I share my recovery story a lot, but in this episode, I sit down with my big sis, Sofia, to have a raw conversation about her part in my story of addiction and recovery. Several key things we discuss in this episode:

1. Professional help. The person with the addiction isn’t the only one who benefits from it.
2. Managing guilt.
3. Understanding what is in your locus of control.
4. Setting boundaries.
5. Current worries.

If this episode touches your heart, you MAY feel inspired to follow my sister Sofia or say hello. Sofia’s boundary is she will not welcome strangers following her/adding her as a friend, so if you listen to this and want to send her a message, please message me, and I’ll pass it on to her. 🙂

Resources:

Op-Ed That Went Viral

Bipolar I vs Bipolar II: Breaking Down The Differences

What is the Baker Act?

Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Writing Classes, and Workshops

Transcript:

Jessica Dueñas (00:02.204)

Hey everyone, super happy to have you. So this episode is really near and dear to me because my first ever guest is actually my sister, Sofia. I call her Sophie, but you all don’t know her. So she is Sofia to anyone listening to this. And basically just to kind of give you all some context. So I am the youngest of a combined eight kids between my mom and dad. And so my sister Sofia, she’s the seventh, but

Sofia (00:17.134)

Thanks for watching!

Jessica Dueñas (00:30.644)

because our parents came to the US kind of like with already their older kids having been born and staying in their respective countries, Sophie and I really grew up together. And so a couple of cool things, Sophie is 11 years older than me and she got to name me. Thank God, because if I had been a boy, my mom would have named me Eduardo. So I don’t even know what my name would have been if my mom had named me. So Jessica came from my sister naming me. So she did a good choice there.

And honestly, she, thank you. And you know, and really I asked her to come on because I think it’s really important that we also consider the perspective of our loved ones. And when I struggled so much, she was there for me in ways that I, I mean, there’s no repaying it, right? All I can do is just continue to walk the path that I walk. And I feel like that’s the best that I can do. Chrissy, my dog decided to start playing with the bone now.

Sofia (00:58.902)

You’re welcome.

Jessica Dueñas (01:25.788)

But yeah, I thought that having her on would be really helpful if you’re listening and you have a loved one or if you are a loved one and you’re listening and you’re kind of just hoping. So here’s some perspective. I hope that you get something from this. And again, nothing that we’re offering is advice, but it’s just a perspective that may be helpful. So with that, thank you, Sophie, for coming. I appreciate you.

Sofia (01:46.926)

Well, thank you for having me. I’m honored to be the first guest.

Jessica Dueñas (01:50.484)

Yes, you’re always the most special person. So, all right, so the first question really that I have, and again, with my drinking, right, what was it like dealing with me in active addiction, especially when you found out that this was a struggle I was keeping from you?

Sofia (02:08.97)

I mean, it was so much, it was kind of overwhelming because the timeline of it all, we were like in the middle of COVID as well. It was very, very frightening, very scary because our family has a pretty extensive history of alcohol addiction, but I had never…

seen it to this level. And I was very much afraid for your life. And it’s a sense of helplessness because this person that you love so much and you just wanna be able to fix it. And as a big sister, I wanna come in, I wanna save the day, I wanna be able to fix it, but having to accept that there is really nothing that I can do.

Um, it’s, it’s a very kind of helpless place to be. Um, and, and frustrating because, you know, knowing you, and I know what an intelligent, bright individual you are. And I knew that like, intellectually you knew that you needed to stop doing this. And.

Also knowing that you kind of knew how to work the system. You knew the right things to say to let people or make people think that, oh no, I’ve got it under control. Like I’m good, I’ve got this, no problems. Yes, I know I’m drinking too much, but I’ve got it under control. That was just, that was frustrating for me because I knew that you…

You knew you needed help, but you weren’t in a place where you were, I think, accepting how serious this problem was really, was just affecting your life and your health, and that you were really at risk. That was really difficult.

Jessica Dueñas (04:24.84)

Yeah, thank you for that. And I mean, it’s funny because in my writing, I often reflect on how good I am at knowing what the right things to say are. And I have to look out for that today. Like I have to be very intentional with sharing with you or with Rashard or anybody, like I’m not okay because I’m such a good actor, right? And it’s like, I still have to watch out for that today and just…

practice that transparency because it’s so easy. You know, we learned it in our family to just always put up the front of being strong. You know, it’s like I feel like that’s very ingrained in our family history. One thing that kind of came up for me while you were talking, you mentioned helplessness and accepting that you couldn’t kind of like control me or the outcome. At what point did you understand that you were helpless in that or like, you know, that you couldn’t control me? And at what point, like how did that help you kind of?

hope, so to speak, if that helped or was it, did that make that worse?

Sofia (05:22.539)

I mean, to be honest, I ended up having to go to therapy myself because, you know, I don’t want to say I’m a controlling person, but you know, I’m used to being the person, the go-to person when something goes wrong. I fix it. I come up with solutions. And, you know, this was one of those situations where…

I really couldn’t do anything and I didn’t know how to deal with that. So it was affecting me. You know, I was, I had anxiety. I was a nervous wreck. And again, this is just one of those things that was in addition to the whole situation that we were living through at that time. So we just kind of compounded that and you know, I’m in healthcare. So it was just so hard and, and you know, really brought to light.

that life is so precious and it’s fragile. And I really truly, every time the phone rang and I saw that area code, I was always afraid what was gonna be on the other end of that line. Is this gonna be the call telling me that something happened to you? And having the idea of like, how am I gonna explain this to mommy? How do I say it? I couldn’t, there was nothing I could do.

It was, so I had to seek help for myself. You know, I finally got to the point and actually my supervisor told me, she’s like, you know, you have anxiety because I never dealt with anxiety before and I honestly couldn’t recognize it in myself, but you know, I wasn’t sleeping well, I was having trouble concentrating, you know, all the classic signs of anxiety. And so, you know, I did seek help for myself and.

You know, it was hard to accept and I don’t know if I ever truly accepted it, but I just had to deal.

Jessica Dueñas (07:27.839)

Yeah.

Well, thank you for that. I’m glad that you got help. And again, anybody who’s listening, right? Like if you don’t know what to do, like A, it’s okay to not know what to do. And B, there are resources out there. So you did therapy. Any other support systems that you leaned on during this time?

Sofia (07:46.67)

Um, you know, of course I have like, I have wonderful friends, um, you know, that just kind of listened to me, supported me, you know, again, there’s, there’s no right answer. Um, but, you know, they just understood, um, where I was coming from, you know, cause we all have loved ones, you know, and it’s kind of like, you know, you see someone on a train track and you see the train is coming and

that person just will not get out of the way. Like no matter what you do, like you can’t pull them off, you can’t push them off. And that’s all you wanna do. You wanna get them out of the harm’s way. And just, you know, it’s very, it’s hard to watch someone you love spiraling and hurting. You want, you just wanna be able to, you know, make them better, stop the hurt and…

not being able to do that for them, especially in a situation. I think like, you know, and I’m sure as like, if it’s a parent with a child, you know, you want to protect them. And, you know, me being your older sister, like I’ve always kind of been like in that like second mom role, even though obviously, as we’ve gotten older, our relationship has changed and became more of like a friendship than like me, you know, taking care of you. But

you know, that doesn’t ever really go away. And so, you know, it’s difficult to just let someone you love, you know, go through that process, whatever comes and just, you know, I just kind of got to the point where I was like, well, I will just be here, you know, in whatever capacity I can be and, you know, even though I hated it, I had to accept that I can’t, I can’t do this for you. This was.

work that you had to do for yourself.

Jessica Dueñas (09:46.996)

Absolutely. And again, for anyone listening, relinquishing that control is so powerful for whether you’re in recovery or you have a loved one, right? Just understanding that we really can’t control other people and outcomes. And that’s such a hard thing to accept, but I mean, I feel like it’s just super, super critical. Another thing I wanted to talk about was, and also actually to give context, so Sophie

caretaker role. So again, for anyone listening, there’s an 11 year age gap, right? And growing up, our parents were self employed, and they had like this little store in Brooklyn. So oftentimes, Sophie was tasked with being basically, yeah, like a like the second mom, you know, so I spent like, I mean, I used to go on Sophie’s first dates because she had no, there’s no babysitter. So I would go on Sophie’s dates with her.

Sofia (10:36.11)

I’m sorry.

Jessica Dueñas (10:40.564)

So just to give you context, I was always, always there. And we were super close. But yeah, our relationship has changed drastically once I grew. So the other question I had for you was, you know, I now, when I tell my story, right, like I openly admit to having struggled with alcohol for many, many years. You know, and I’ve probably known that I had a problem since.

you know, before I married Chris. So let’s say that’s like, what, 2011, 2010, you all, I’m not married to Chris anymore. Chris is my ex-husband’s name. But before, so if I knew I had a problem since probably say, 2011, 2010, and you didn’t find out about my problem until say about 2019, like that, that winter with the holidays and stuff when, so what, when you realize that I had a problem, right?

Sofia (11:13.088)

Mm-hmm.

Sofia (11:27.702)

Yeah. Oh yeah.

Jessica Dueñas (11:36.18)

What was your reaction to me having kept it a secret for so long?

Sofia (11:42.782)

I mean, it was shock, honestly. You know, and now like looking back, looking back, you know, I see that there were signs, but I think, you know, because I just, I could not like wrap my brain around it, or I would always kind of find another reason, like something, you know, I remember there were times.

Very few times but once or twice you called me and now I know you were drunk but because I would I could never kind of Assign that to you like I wouldn’t I would not you know if anyone said to me Oh, if someone’s gonna have a drinking problem the last person I would think would be you know And so I think I was in a little bit of denial. You know, I remember when you were in college

And you would tell me stories about stuff and I’m like, golly, like you’re partying a little hard. But I also like, well, you know, you’re in college, it’s your first time away from home. And, you know, we grew up in a pretty strict household. So I just kind of chalked it up to like, well, you know, you’re letting your hair down and you’re just having a good time. Not, you know, a little concerned, you know, for your safety, but never thinking it was like a real serious problem.

And, you know, so many times like we would travel together and you wouldn’t even have a drink. You know, you would just have so it’s like I never saw you drink. You never drink around me. And so it was all kind of like what I honestly I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. I was like, what is happening here? And you know, the way that I found out, you know, and do you mind if I tell the story?

Jessica Dueñas (13:36.271)

Nope, go for it, that’s fine.

Sofia (13:38.002)

Okay, so, you know, it was, it was the holidays, it was Christmas. And, you know, I am not a drinker. My ex-husband also was not a drinker, but I loved entertaining. Um, so I would always have people over and, you know, people come over, they always bring something and normally it was, you know, a bottle of whatever alcohol. And so I had quite a nice stock of alcohol in my house because I never drink it. And I would just collect.

collect and then I would bring them out whenever I had a party whatever but never even thought twice about it and so you know we had a big Christmas party or holiday party and you were here and you know I’m in the middle of the night you know Olivia my oldest daughter comes in and wakes me up and is like mom like something’s wrong with Jessica you know

So I’m like, Oh my gosh, what happened? And I, you know, run in there and by the time I came in, you were getting up, but she found you like passed out on the floor. Um, and then I, you know, in the kitchen, there’s like bottles and I’m like, what, what is going on? Like, you know, my main concern at that point was like, are you okay? But then once it started sinking in and then you admitted to me that, you know, you’ve been struggling with alcohol. Like.

One, my immediate feeling was a huge amount of guilt because I had all this alcohol in the house. Like, had I known, all of that crap would have been in the garbage because I couldn’t care less about it. You know, so that was my, I felt horrible that I, you know, had all this stuff out here for you to just access. But you know, again, and that was one of the things that I had to work through in therapy was like, you know,

I had no idea. And so it wasn’t my fault that I had alcohol in the house because I just didn’t know. And then, you know, sadness because you were so sad. Like you felt so broken to me when you like finally admitted what was happening. And that made me like that broke my heart. That you were

going through this by yourself and you felt like you had to keep it from me. Um, because you know, my main concern is you and like, doesn’t matter what’s happening, like I’m always going to be there for you. So it was a lot. It was just a lot to take in and to process because, you know, thinking like how long this had been going on and you know,

just finding out this way was just, it was jarring, you know, for like so many different reasons. And then understanding that all of these times that you were telling me, you know, that you were checking yourself in because you were depressed, but it was really you going into rehab. And, you know, feeling bad also that I didn’t probe

more, not to say that you were going to tell me even if I had, because I think, you know, until you were just ready to do it. And I almost thought that had to happen the way that it happened.

for me to fully understand how serious this was. Cause if you had just told me over the phone, again, knowing you, you would have said the right words and you would have made it sound like, oh, it’s not that bad. I know I’m just drinking a little bit too much and I’m gonna, like, you know. And as a matter of fact, you did one time I was visiting you in Kentucky and…

we went to an AA meeting together because you said that you were just drinking a little bit too much and you wanted to get it under control. So again, I was like, oh, that’s great. I’m so glad that you’re doing that. But I didn’t probe deeper because you know, you’ve always been just such a put together person that I assumed like, yeah, you do got this. Like you’re fine. And that’s why like it was just shocking to me because, you know.

It really brought home the fact that alcoholism, alcohol abuse can affect anyone. Like nobody’s immune to it. It doesn’t matter how educated you are. If you’re a professional, like, you know, we always assume, I think we have a picture in our minds that, you know, people are people that are downtrodden and, you know, on hard times.

Jessica Dueñas (18:21.907)

Mm-hmm.

Sofia (18:40.622)

are people that are struggling with alcohol abuse, but that’s not true. You know, it’s really, no one is immune to it. It doesn’t matter where you are in your life or how much you have, how educated, how professional you are. It can, you know, it can touch anyone.

Jessica Dueñas (19:01.697)

Yeah, it really can. And I mean, you know, it’s, I’ve been muting my microphone while you’re sharing just to avoid cruise in the background, making random noises. But you know, like when you were sharing the story of, you know, only finding me, you know, it’s like I felt that same like sadness just like wash over me again. And like I got really, really teary eyed. And I mean, I’m just like, I’m so glad I’m not, I’m really glad I’m not there anymore. And I’m so glad to have found like

genuine recovery because I remember that moment. And that also brings me back to, because I went to treatment when I flew back to Kentucky after that incident, I did go back into treatment and winter break was still going on. So no one at work knew what had happened either. And we are like sitting in a staff circle, like our first day back and we’re doing professional development. And they’re like, oh, share something about your winter break. And I just start crying because I don’t wanna say, well, I spent my winter break in rehab.

Sofia (19:36.881)

Yeah.

Sofia (19:53.25)

Yeah.

Jessica Dueñas (19:58.248)

You know, like it was, that was so, so painful. And the other thing too, that you said that stood out, you know, you mentioned that, you know, all those years, like we would travel and you know, you would never see me drink. And it was like, yeah, like I learned to really become a mirror and just mirror people’s whatever, however people were drinking. That’s what I always matched so that I wouldn’t stand out. And then that day, of course, like I had been holding back.

you know, I hadn’t been drinking. And then I got to the holiday party and there was all that stuff there. And I was like, oh, you know, thinking I could do it. And of course I like went overboard. Cause you know, with addiction, it’s just like, it’s that shame and that guilt just cause you to spiral. But yeah, I’m glad. I’m so glad that is not my story today. But the other thing I did want to ask you about is the today, right? Like it’s been, you know, thank God over two and a half years at the time of this recording.

Um, cause we’re recording this in July of 2023. If you’re listening at some random other point in the future. So it’s been about two and a half years since I got sober. Um, what is it like now for you? Like, do you ever worry about me relapsing now? Kind of like, where’s your head space around that?

Sofia (21:12.874)

Um, no. Well, to be honest, I was a little worried, like, of you moving out, because, you know, for background, like, Jessica came to live with me, you know, in what was that, 2020, right? You know, because at that time, everybody was working remote, and it just, you know, she was by herself in Kentucky, and that just was not working.

Jessica Dueñas (21:32.864)

Yeah.

Sofia (21:41.438)

Um, so she came to stay with me and she was working remotely. So it was kind of like an easy transition. You know, she and Cruz came to stay here. Um, and so, you know, I did worry. Like what would happen if you were to move out by yourself, you know, because I do think that, you know, loneliness, um, can play into that sometimes. Um, and so.

Like I was so happy with the way that you did move out because I felt like it was a great middle ground where you’re like on your own but very close to support people as well. So you’re not like by yourself. And if you ever felt like you needed to, you know have interaction with someone, like there’s people all around, so to speak, you know that’s the only thing that worried me but honestly not really.

that you would relapse, but more that you would just struggle a little bit with loneliness and those types of feelings. But I feel like you have really done so much work and learned so many coping skills and just like a self-awareness about yourself that when you are feeling a certain type of way that you address it right away. And that’s one thing. You know.

denial is a terrible thing, you know, and I think really being aware and being honest and open with yourself when you are struggling and you know you’ve come so far in being open and asking for help when you need the help that I don’t worry about that anymore. Like I feel like you you’ve just made and in our family again we tend to

We had to unlearn those things, you know, and learn how to ask for help because it’s always, you know, feelings get squashed, feelings get put away and you just, you know, you know, I’m fine, I’m fine, we’re good, we’re good, even when we’re not. So I think like you have come like, and done a complete 180 where now when you need help, you just ask for help and you’re aware of when you’re feeling that way.

Jessica Dueñas (23:41.58)

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Sofia (24:02.026)

So I think you have all the tools to maintain your sobriety.

Jessica Dueñas (24:08.628)

Yeah. I mean, I think definitely there’s been a lot of unlearning of previous like programming from like childhood that I’ve had to do. And then yes, like for all that unlearning that I had to do, you know, soaking in all sorts of tools and strategies that have helped me. And so to give anyone who’s listening context, so I guess I live with my sister up until March of 2023 and I do live on my own, but

because of my work, I get to live on a college campus, which is really amazing. And my partner lives really, really close by actually. So, you know, when I first moved in with my sister, I was like, all right, I’m never moving out until I’m getting married. That’s basically what I was thinking. But then this job opportunity came up for me to get back in education and have like a live on staff role, which has been perfect. So I am always interacting with people, but I do have my own living space. So for me, I am literally rewriting the narrative because when I…

Sofia (24:49.421)

Hahaha.

Jessica Dueñas (25:05.524)

first lived by myself was when I got divorced. And that’s when my drinking took off. And so for me, it was like, how do I do this living by myself thing without alcohol? And it’s been really like structuring my time in meaningful ways, giving myself lots of opportunities to rest, seriously asking for help. And yeah, like if I’m feeling lonely, pick up the phone, call somebody, go visit, whether it’s my partner or go swing by my sister’s because thankfully she doesn’t live that far. She’s like 25, 30 minutes away. So

I have really been able to build a new life of living solo that looks totally different from what my life looked like when I drank. I think that has been really powerful and it has been that self-awareness and doing the whole no longer saying all the right things, like letting go of saying all the right things because I’m very good at saying all the right things.

Sofia (25:56.886)

Yes, and I think that was the key. I feel that was the turning point for you really, because like when you came here, your last time, so another story. So Jessica was here, I was still married at the time and I get one night, you know, my house, it’s not a huge house, but you know.

The master bedroom is kind of on one side of the house. The other bedrooms are on the other. And I come out of the shower and I get a text message from Jessica saying, oh, don’t worry, I have a ride home. And I’m like, what? Because when I went into the shower, she was here. And then I had no idea when she left. So I guess she called an Uber and had the Uber pick her up like around the corner.

And she went to a bar and she didn’t know where she was. And, um, you know, we live in Florida and Florida is a very, um, has the highest rate, I think probably in the country for human trafficking. So I kind of panicked and I was like, do not get in the car with anyone. I will come get you. I was like, where are you? Where are you? Um.

You know, she didn’t know where she was. And I was like, just ask somebody, what is the name of the bar you’re at? So, you know, we, we figured that out. My, my ex-husband and I jumped in the car and go get her. And I told him, I said, we’re not going home, go straight to the emergency room. Um, so on our way there, she finally is realizing that we’re not heading to the house. And, um,

we pull into the parking lot and she’s like, no, I’m not going in there. I’m not going in there. And I said, well, you need to come in here because you’re not coming home until we figure something out. Like you can’t keep going like this. Um, and I think that was for me, like my breaking point because it scared me so bad that she was actually going to get into the car with someone that she didn’t know. Like just, it just,

that was it like that was my breaking point um so we’re in the parking lot of this emergency room and she said to me i will go sleep on a park bench before going into that emergency room and i was like the hell you will i was like you’re coming in here i was like i was like you’re either doing this on your own two feet or i will call the police and they will escort you in there

I was like, I’m not doing this again. And so we did end up going in there. Um, and again, it was COVID. They let me stay with her, um, because she was just in such a state. Um, but you know, my ex had to wait in the car. They wouldn’t let him inside. And the ER doctor, you know, in Florida, we have this thing called the Baker act where if someone is.

harm to themselves or others, they get admitted against their will if they’re not willing to go in for a minimum of three days. And so I spoke to the ER doctor and I said, look, like she is not safe. And I said, so either you Baker Act her or I will Baker Act her because as her family member I could Baker Act her. I didn’t want to be the one to do that.

But in speaking to her, you know, the emergency room doctor said, I’m going to big ractor because, um, by law, if she feels that the patient is not safe, she has to do that. So, you know, she spoke to Jessica and said, I’m going to order a psych evaluation for you because, you know, I just feel like you’re not safe. Like you’re putting yourself at risk. Your life is at risk. Um, and when, and again, because it was COVID the

psychologist was on, they rolled in like a TV screen and he did a virtual visit with her. And when I was sitting there with her, I was like, look, just please be honest. I’m like, don’t say all the keywords. I’m like, just be honest. You have nothing to lose. I’m like, you are at the point where you are telling me that you would rather sleep on a park bench. It can’t get much worse.

So you have nothing to lose by being honest with this person and just tell them what’s really going on with you. And he was a wonderful clinician. He reviewed her chart and he said to her, because again, Jessica has been, at this point, she was going to AA meetings, she had a therapist, she was on antidepressants, and this had been a cycle that had been going on.

for a while where she would go to rehab, not drink for a while, again, have a relapse, and it just kept going over and over and over again. And I think she was exhausted at this point. I could just tell she was kind of giving up, and I’m like, no, we’re not doing this because she kept trying and it just kept failing. And the psychiatrist picked up on that

records and stuff and he’s like look something’s not adding up here he’s like you’re doing all the right things but you still keep relapsing he’s like so get check into a facility let them do a full psychiatric evaluation like let’s figure out what’s going on here he said because I see that you were a person that is trying but something’s not working so let’s figure out why that is and

she agreed. Thank God. And I feel like that was really a turning point, where she just kind of stopped pretending that it wasn’t as bad as it was. And she went into this facility, you know, and of course, it was it was difficult. But I think if she hadn’t done that, you know, we wouldn’t be here having this conversation today because

Jessica Dueñas (32:32.233)

Okay.

Sofia (32:34.53)

I really, I didn’t think she was going to make it to be honest with you. Like she was going to be a statistic. You are going to be a statistic. You know, I’m just.

Jessica Dueñas (32:42.632)

Yeah. And I mean, it’s funny because I don’t remember, you know, I was definitely in a blackout when all of that happened. And I mean, obviously I wasn’t consenting to go to, to get Baker act that happened. But yes, once I got so to kind of fast forward that story, you know, once I got in the facility, when you are Baker acted, you don’t have to really do anything once you’re in the facility, you can just sit there for three days and say all the right things and go home.

Sofia (32:52.319)

Mm-hmm.

Jessica Dueñas (33:12.18)

But once I was there and I sobered up and that fog cleared, that same clinician, or maybe not him, because I don’t remember, but there was a clinician who was very kind and asked me if I was willing to do a more thorough psychological evaluation. And at that time, that was my choice. And yes, I was so sick and tired and exhausted, and it felt like I had been dying without dying, but there was just no way to continue living. So I said, you know what?

F it, yes. I mean, like literally all the light bulbs went off when I was in that facility. Cause while in that facility, I remember I called Sophie and I was like, I think I need to quit my job. I don’t know if you remember that phone call, but I called you and I was like, I think I need to quit. You know, I had already sort of been looking for other options in case I did need to quit. I think I knew it was coming, but I wasn’t ready to let go of my job either. But yeah, I did that evaluation.

Sofia (33:52.481)

Thank you.

Jessica Dueñas (34:05.308)

And that was a wild moment too for me because, you know, he hits me with the diagnosis, which was bipolar too, for those of you who need to Google it or look it up, it’s basically serious, heavy episodes of depression without the full blown mania that someone with bipolar one might experience. So, you know, there was no like breaking from reality, et cetera, but just very, very powerful episodes of depression, which literally lined up to like my story as he was saying it.

And I remember I started crying and I was like, oh my God, you’re telling me I’m crazy. Because of course stigma and ignorance. So that’s that was my initial reaction to the bipolar two react diagnosis. And he was like, well, you know, that’s the missing piece. Kind of talk like what he said to my sister or one of them said to my sister, you know, this is the missing piece. She’s doing all the right things, but chemically, there’s something off in her body and she needs to kind of like restore the balance.

before she can really have any sustained sobriety. And so they did prescribe me all sorts of meds, and I’m not gonna go into that because if you are suspecting that you have this diagnosis, you should absolutely see a psychiatrist of your own and get diagnosed properly. But they gave me the battery of medications. And yes, while I was in there, I decided to resign from my job as well. So when I come out, this was very early November. And remember, my sobriety day is November 28th. So obviously everything doesn’t suddenly click.

right away, the medications do take a couple of weeks to kick in, right? But by the time I had that last drink, it just, it wasn’t the same anymore. And again, because the medicine was doing what it was supposed to do. So even though I went and I repeated the old behavior of sneaking off and buying the alcohol and trying to drink it, it didn’t hit the same. And so I didn’t, I guess I got drunk and had a hangover and things like that, but I didn’t continue to spiral.

And I think that’s when I realized that biologically, the medicine did what it needed to, and I felt done. And so once I got through that first day without alcohol, after having like picked it back up after a few weeks of meds, I finally had that glimmer of hope of like, oh, maybe I can do this because something shifted. And so when I had that glimmer of hope,

probably I waited another day or two, and then I was like, you know what? I’m gonna go ahead and like tell my story. And I wrote that op-ed article. So my sobriety date was November 28th of 2020. That op-ed article that has gone viral, which I’ll link in the show notes, that came out live in the Louisville Career Journal December 4th. And my last day of work was December 3rd as a teacher. And then I started working at a tutoring company. So yeah, just lots of…

really important information and a lot came out just from me becoming finally willing, going from wanting to willing. And then again, letting go of saying all the right things and just saying the truth and speaking openly. So Sophie, what would you tell, kind of like as the last question, what would you tell anybody else who has a loved one who’s struggling? Like whether it’s another sibling, a parent.

Sofia (37:06.21)

down.

Jessica Dueñas (37:19.536)

and they have someone struggling, like what would you say to them?

Sofia (37:28.104)

Acceptance that you can’t fix it. You know, the person I’m in a relationship with is in the same situation with his brother. And unfortunately, you know, he’s still struggling. He’s going through that cycle of rehab, you know, being sober for a little bit.

relapsing, all that stuff, and you know, it’s a younger sibling. So the same thing, you know, he wants to come in and swoop in and fix it. And there is no fixing it. Like you just have to accept it. You know, support that person, let them know that, you know, you’re here for them. You love them. And pray that they finally get to the point where they are willing.

to get the help that they really need to make the changes, the permanent changes, to get the tools to get healthy and get sober. Cause that’s really all you can do. And talk to somebody for yourself, like get help for yourself because, you know, if you’re not okay, it’s really hard to help someone else.

or be there for someone else and it’s draining and that’s okay. Um, and it is okay for you to say like, you know, I’m not okay because this person that I love is struggling. So I would say, you know, take care of yourself too, in the process of accepting that you cannot change it.

Jessica Dueñas (39:13.896)

Yeah. The other thing that I would add to what you said, and again, this is me from the perspective of the person who was struggling is I think about the boundaries that you set to. Like for example, me ending up in that last hospitalization here in Tampa was absolutely a result of you setting a boundary. Like you were like, you’re not coming home. So like here’s your options, but you’re not coming back into my house. Right. And so, you know, you putting that on me, like then of course I’d

Sofia (39:24.18)

Mm-hmm.

Sofia (39:35.621)

Yeah.

Sofia (39:40.013)

Right.

Jessica Dueñas (39:43.688)

chose or will at that point, not really, but you know what I mean. Like you, you set that boundary that made a big difference or, you know, even when I was in your house, like there were times that like, you were very clear, like if you’re staying here, then I’m holding your car keys. Of course I, you can’t control everything I did. Right. Of course you didn’t plan for me to call the Uber, but whatever.

Sofia (39:46.818)

Yeah.

Sofia (39:57.674)

Right. Of course, I didn’t realize that was before. Right. Oh, but also I didn’t realize that Uber delivered alcohol. And that was like, I remember one time, the doorbell rings. And you know, normally people let you know when they’re going to come over, they’ll just pop over. So I was like, Oh, that’s weird. And it’s like, nighttime. I’m like, I don’t think you know.

Jessica Dueñas (40:08.849)

Alcohol. Right.

Yeah

Sofia (40:22.966)

Amazon doesn’t ring the doorbell. And I opened the door and this guy’s there with like a brown bag, a brown paper bag. And I’m like, what’s this? And he’s like, oh, I’m delivering this. I was like mind blown because here I think I’m like, oh, I got her keys. She’s like, I’m gonna get alcohol.

Jessica Dueñas (40:41.934)

Right. I mean, right. Well, you tried, right? And that’s what matters. But the boundary setting, you know, of course, these are perfectly good examples of like, it’s not perfect, right? But again, like people who are struggling with their loved ones, it is important to evaluate like what boundaries can you set? Like, are they welcoming your home and understanding that it’s okay if not? Like, again, you drew that line at that point when it was time for me to go into that last facility.

I was no longer welcome in your home unless I’d changed certain things and then I was welcome back in your home, right? And so I think that for people, you know, like yes, you’re gonna feel guilty and it’s okay to feel guilty. It’s okay to not feel okay, but you have to make sure that you’re protecting your home, protecting your family, protecting your loved ones, right? Like there was nothing that I would steal, but like if I had been desperate enough, I could have taken like money from, you know what I mean? So I think like it’s really important for people to establish boundaries.

Sofia (41:13.63)

Right. Yeah.

Sofia (41:28.014)

Wow.

Sofia (41:33.978)

Yeah, but I think, yeah, and like I said, for me, the breaking point was just, you know, that realization that you were going to get into a car with someone that you didn’t know from Adam, and who knows what, where that man could have taken you, you know, like the fact that you had such a disregard for your own well-being, you know, that for me was like, oh no, oh hell no.

Jessica Dueñas (41:53.257)

Right.

Jessica Dueñas (42:04.146)

Yeah.

Sofia (42:05.07)

Like, that’s it. Like that was the line kind of in the sand for me. Like I was not, I couldn’t sit by idly and let you just put yourself at risk that way. And you know, it’s funny because you weren’t like a drinking and driving person. Like I felt like you were, yeah, like you were aware enough that you would always Uber to wherever you were going. Like you didn’t try to drive.

Jessica Dueñas (42:22.304)

Thank God.

Sofia (42:31.706)

But you know that just scared you know excuse my language the shit out of me when you were like yeah I’ve got a right I was like what so for me that was the boundary like I just couldn’t I could not just sit by and let that happen you know so that was when I was like oh no this is something’s gotta happen here um you know and I’m grateful like today I’m just I’m so grateful

Jessica Dueñas (42:40.64)

Yeah.

Jessica Dueñas (42:49.889)

Yeah.

Sofia (43:01.098)

and proud of where you are and the fact that you are taking this experience and helping other people having an impact even if it’s one person and then that person pays it forward, it’s a ripple effect and for anyone who has a loved one going through this, I’m fortunate enough that this has been my outcome.

you know, that the person that I love is healthy and safe and happy. And you know, in such a good place that it just, it, it fills my heart and makes me so happy because that’s all I’ve ever wanted. You know, it’s like, that’s all you ever want for the people you love is for them to be healthy and happy. And so I think that you are helping other people get to that place.

And my heart goes out to the people that don’t have somebody supporting them. Because it’s not an easy journey to do on your own. Not that it’s not achievable, but it’s so much easier when you have somebody to lean on, I think.

Jessica Dueñas (44:12.552)

Yeah. And I mean, and I’ll close out by just, I mean, I’ve said it to you personally, but just so that it’s recorded for the internet to save forever. I love you so much. I thank you so much for believing in me. Like I’ll tell you, I know, but seriously, like you believed in me. I know. But you know, like there may have been times when there’s 8 billion people on this planet and you were the one who believed.

Sofia (44:30.614)

So now you’re making me get teary eyed.

Jessica Dueñas (44:41.972)

that I could, and I think that there’s the power of just one. And I think that our relationship, our sisterhood, is a testament to all that can come from just believing in a person. And so, you know, recovery is absolutely possible if you’re listening, and if you have a loved one, cheer them on healthily, work with a professional to set the appropriate boundaries for yourself so that you stay healthy.

And same thing, if you have a loved one who is still struggling, I wish them all the love. I wish you all the love in the world. This is hard. You don’t have to do this alone. If you want to reach out, my sister does not like random strangers reaching out to her, but you are more than welcome to reach out to me and send me a message through my social media or email, and I will happily pass the message on to her. She doesn’t like strangers following her, but you’re welcome to follow me. I take strangers following me all the time.

Sofia (45:37.827)

Yeah.

Jessica Dueñas (45:40.06)

So just thank you all so much, so much for listening. I really hope that you got something out of this. And just again, thank you to my sister, Sofia, for sharing her part of my story with everybody. So thank you everybody for listening.

Sofia (45:53.678)

My pleasure. Bye everyone.

Return to Podcast Directory

In this episode:

Link to Spotify

I talk through the process of identifying that which is in our control (or not) in order to help alleviate stress. I also walk through a journal exercise you can do on your own, or you can grab a free worksheet if you prefer to print and do this exercise on a handout. 

Resources:

What Is In My Control Worksheet

Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Writing Classes, and Workshops

Transcript:

Jessica Dueñas (00:01.59)
Hey everyone, in today’s episode, we are going to talk a little bit about how we really have to let go of trying to control things that are outside of our control. And the reason I’m saying this as a message to you in the podcast is because it’s a message that I honestly need. And so it helps me by talking about it on here. Also, to be honest, I’ve noticed that it’s been kind of coming up as a theme, right? Like that we are giving our energy and time and stress over to things.

that honestly are out of our control. And that’s energy that we could be putting into ourselves. Because if we put that energy into ourselves, that’s change that we can actually affect, but we can’t change our jobs. We can change jobs that we can’t change the job that we have. We can’t change the people that we’re dealing with, but we can change who we deal with. Right. And so this episode is really about acknowledging where we have power and where we don’t so that we can take all that energy and use it productively. Because again,

It’s not worth, especially if you’re listening to this and you are a person in recovery, you’re quitting drinking, et cetera, it’s not worth giving your mental energy to a space where it’s just going into the void, right? So this episode is accompanied by a worksheet that I made. You can find the link to this worksheet in the show notes. You’re more than welcome to follow along with that worksheet, or you can just kind of follow along, use a journal, et cetera. But first I wanna start off by reading a quote

from the book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace, A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, and this is by Nadra Tawab. And she wrote, “‘Nothing other people do is because of you. “‘It’s because of themselves. “‘All people live in their own dream and their own mind. “‘Even when words seem personal, such as a direct insult, “‘they really have nothing to do with you. “‘I constantly work with my clients “‘to depersonalize events and interactions with others.

When we personalize, we negate the personal story and history of the other people involved. Personalizing assumes that everything is about us. And I really appreciate that quote because at the end of the day, the world really doesn’t revolve around us. We might feel like it does because obviously we are looking at everything through our lens.

But if we step outside of ourselves, everybody really is just walking around in a bubble of their own personal lived experiences. And so when people do things, it really has nothing to do with us, even when it really feels like it is at us, that there’s always something going on there. So just that invitation that if tomorrow someone says something to you that frustrates you, it’s okay to feel frustrated because you’re a human and that’s a part of the human experience, but I invite you to think.

I wonder what’s going on with them that made them talk like that to me. I’m not saying become a doormat and accept terrible behavior and people talking to you all sorts of ways, but what I am inviting you to do is to work on detaching yourself emotionally from what people might say to you sometimes. But anyway, I digress. So if you have the worksheet, it’s there for you or in your journal or in your brain or in your device, however you wanna do this.

I want you to think about different areas of your life right now that you may be struggling with emotionally. So maybe it’s work has been pissing you off, or maybe it’s your romantic partner or your perspective romantic partner. Maybe it’s a friend or a family member. But I want you to take a moment and just jot down maybe two or three different areas of your life where like right now you are finding yourself struggling with.

Body image is another one that just jumped into my mind, right? So just kind of like a free for all. Now you’re going to do this separately for each area, but we’re going to pick an area and in that area, I want you to draw a T chart. So on one side on the left side, you’re going to title that side. What about this is not in my control? And then on the right side, you’re going to title it. What about this is in my control? Now the reason I’m wanting you to write this out,

and visualize it is because visualization is a really powerful way sometimes for us to wrap our mind around things. And I know a lot of people when they’re told, oh, go journal, journaling seems weird if you don’t really have a structure with how to write. So if I give you a specific tea chart, right, with a specific title, it’s going to help you generate ideas. And then you also see it in front of you and it’s easier for you to digest it in your brain. So what about this is not in my control? What about this is not?

I’m sorry, what about this is not in my control? What about this is in my control? And then skip down, because you’re gonna give yourself some space to write. And at the bottom of the sheet, you’re going to write, what questions can I ask myself when I feel set off? Right? So if you have the handout, there’s a second page where I kind of go through this on my own and just kind of model it, right? So on the second page, I’m pretty much using myself as an example.

And I want to emphasize that this is not an example of a right answer. I just threw something out there. So let’s close our eyes and transport ourselves to Jessica in mid 2022. I just picked a random time. Um, at that point, to give you all some context in terms of what was going on in my life, I was dating, but not in a relationship. I hadn’t met my current partner. Um, I was growing increasingly frustrated at work. I was getting ready to visit my mom at that point in the summertime and

you know, visiting her is always stressful because I’m always waiting for her to comment on something about my appearance. Anyway, I’m gonna pick one of those areas and I’m going to follow the directions that I just gave you. So I have the T chart on the left side. I have what about this is not in my control? And on the right side, I have what about this is in my control? So for, I picked myself as the topic just in general. And so on the left-hand side, I wrote,

Things about myself that I cannot necessarily control. If I have a craving, right? And my cravings are not just for alcohol, but sometimes I struggle, say, with food and other things. So just impulses, right? So cravings, when they pop up, again, I’m a human, and I’m a human who was once fiercely addicted to an addictive substance. So when my brain gets set off on occasion, I can’t help it that it does that.

And that’s okay. And I can be forgiving of myself for that. Next, another thing that I can’t control are my initial thoughts and feelings when something happens, when something is said, when I have a sensory experience of processing something that happens, right? So if I see someone on the road swerve, my initial thought might be, oh my God, I’m gonna crash, right? That’s an initial thought, which leads to feeling fearful.

I can’t help that. That’s an automatic response of mine, but I can control how I react. I can control what I do with that thought or with that feeling, but I’m not on that column yet. Another thing I just threw out there in terms of what is something that I cannot control are the things that happen outside of me, like people’s actions, decisions that are made at my job, et cetera. And you can apply this to dating. You can apply this to anything. But…

I want you to think about what else is outside of your control, right? Especially in any area that might be bothering you. So now I want to focus on what is in your control or in my case, in my control. So what I listed was I’m in control of how I choose to react to cravings or feelings or thoughts, right? I can have that initial feeling and thought and be kind to myself for having it.

And especially with regard to craving alcohol or other things you might be addicted to you all, I really want for you to understand to practice Greece with yourself. Because again, you at some point were heavily addicted, well, maybe not heavily, but you were addicted or struggling to let go of an addictive substance, right? So you were being a perfectly functional human with a perfectly functional brain when your functional brain…

acted accordingly and got addicted or found itself liking alcohol or other substances a whole lot. So when you have a craving, those sit there and be angry with yourself. Say something like, oh, this makes sense. Neurologically, this makes sense. I mean, I don’t know if you talk like that. That might be a little, a bit much to be like neurologically, this makes sense, but you get what I mean. Be kind to yourself when you have an initial craving. Be kind to yourself at whatever feeling or thought jumps out when you experience something. Because again, that’s just…

your brain and your body responding to stimuli. With that being said, you can then control or choose how you react or act based off those things. So if you are feeling fearful and you’re driving that car and something suddenly jumps out at you, you can choose to panic, right? And maybe drive in a slightly erratic manner that may not be safe, or you can pause.

take a deep breath and remind yourself you’re still safe. And the safest thing to do is to drive safely and like keep an eye on your peripherals, right? Slow down, drive defensively, et cetera. Same thing with the craving. You can have the craving and run straight to the liquor store and buy alcohol, or you can have the craving and choose to set a timer, choose to tell yourself, if I’m still having this craving in 15 minutes, I’ll think about it. But for right now, it is not an option for 15 minutes, right? There’s a lot that you can do.

when you are set off to either give yourself time to react or to say, I’m not going to react in any specific way. I’m going to change my actions. And then the last thing that I just threw in there in terms of my notes of what is in my control is that I’m in control of being able to take action to change circumstances I don’t like. So if for example, I’m at a job and I don’t like the way the company is going, I

can choose to continue to stay there and continue to be frustrated, or I can choose to create an exit plan, which might include updating my resume, starting to look online at job postings, et cetera. Right? So I am in control of those things. I can’t change the job. I can go to the CEO and make a complaint, but it’s, I might not be able to change anything, but I can change where I work. Same thing with dating. Right? I may, I can’t control

If someone is into me, I can’t control how someone chooses to communicate with me. I can’t control how someone acts, but I can choose to entertain that person or not if I don’t like what they’re doing. That is what I’m in control of. So kind of transitioning then into the next part of that activity is what questions can I ask myself when I feel set off? And I listed a few, but honestly, I want you to think about what can you ask yourself?

I wonder why I’m upset. What is it about the situation that is bothering me? I wonder what’s going on with that person that they seem upset, right? Again, being curious is really helpful. In terms of what I actually listed on my worksheet, I put, am I trying to manage an outcome? Because that’s a pretty good sign of if I’m trying to control something or not, right? Am I trying to push for a specific outcome? Am I trying to control how someone else is acting, right? Am I getting into

putting expectations on other people’s behaviors because I am not here to control other people. We are not here to control other people. Then the next one is, is this situation in general? Is this situation even in my control? Because if not, let me release it. And if it is, what action can I take to change the situation that it is? And then the last one that I always recommend for folks to kind of think about is

Do I need to take a break and come back to this? So if someone sends you a text message and that text message, your initial reaction is anger and you want to respond, I’m not saying it’s wrong for you to feel angry. Feel the anger, but give yourself a moment to pause and think about if you need to react to it, if it’s something that’s in your control, or if it’s something that you can let go of, right? So food for thought, even just slowing yourself down a little bit.

can be incredibly empowering because if something does warrant your reaction, you can react with confidence because you know you weren’t just jumping the gun with whatever you said in response. So I kind of just wanted to really talk about that because for a lot of people, again, we really can lose sight of what’s important and what really matters when we are trying to control outcomes, control other people’s behaviors.

control how systems that we might be a part of do things. Whereas we can sometimes elect to opt out of dealing with certain people, elect to opt out of working in certain places and really put our energy into that which can grow, that which can change, which at the end of the day, that’s us. So that is all I have for you. Again, I have a worksheet. That free worksheet is available. The link is in the show notes.

And then of course if you want to work with me feel free to schedule a one-to-one coaching session I am open for clients. You can do that on my website at bottomless to sober Calm take care of yourselves, and I hope everyone has an awesome day. Take care

Return to Podcast Directory

In this episode:

Link to Spotify

I discuss how I went from wanting to get sober (but still drinking) to actually becoming willing to do the work to get sober, including information on how I got my bipolar II diagnosis, being willing to use medication, deciding to get off prescription medication, and what I do today to maintain sobriety. 

Resources:

National Institute of Mental Health – Bipolar Disorder

Bottomless to Sober – Blog, Writing Classes, Workshops, and Coaching Support

Transcript:

Jessica Dueñas
Hey everyone, so today we are doing my story since sobriety. In episode six, I pretty much told you everything that I could remember in terms of my life up until getting sober. So in this episode, I really wanna dive into the beginning of the alcohol-free journey, what that has looked like ever since, how it’s changed, and then also kind of like where I see it going. So I’ll go ahead and I’ll get started.

My sobriety date is November 28th of 2020. And as I mentioned in episode 6 2020 was the year where I had lost my boyfriend tragically Due to a drug overdose and between my own Shame and my addiction to alcohol that I wasn’t really addressing openly and then that grief Everything I completely just fell apart, right?

And so I had been hospitalized seven to eight times in facilities and hospitals, in hospital stays from three days all the way up to say five weeks. So my final hospital stay, it started on Halloween of 2020. So my own little horror story, right? I was doing another one of my classic relapses where I was staying with my sister because I was working remotely, schools in Kentucky were closed

all fully virtual because of the pandemic. So I was working in Tampa, but you know, working in Louisville, but out of Tampa. And I had ordered alcohol, she found it. I was ashamed, embarrassed. So I got in an Uber and I went to a bar not far from her house and she found me at the bar. I don’t know how I probably texted her to say that that’s where I was. At that point, we get into it and she’s like, you can’t come home. You know, like you have to go get help.

And I was like, well, if I can’t go home, then I’m just gonna be homeless. And I like sat down on the sidewalk thinking I was like big and bad or whatever. So she called 911 and I ended up in the hospital. And at the ER, I remember that I was so angry being at the ER, I just didn’t wanna be there. And everybody had stepped out of the room that I was in and I eyed a bottle of hand sanitizer, like off in the distance. It wasn’t that far off.

I get up, then I grab that bottle of sanitizer, I open it up and I like chug it back. And then I like jump back in the bed, fade to black. And by the time I come to, my sister had apparently Baker-acted me. Baker-acting in Florida is when somebody is a threat to themselves or to other people, you can say this person is a threat to themselves or other people, so they need to go into a psychiatric hold, which is exactly what happened to me. So by the time I come to in the psychiatric hold,

Obviously Halloween has come and gone and it’s like November 1st or so. I’m invited by the social worker that I’m having a conversation with to stay longer. She’s like, you can stay here for your psych hold for three days, 72 hours, or we can do a full psychiatric evaluation and dig into what you’ve got going on because it seems like you’re suffering a lot. Fair enough. Solid point. So I consented to stay. I w-

woke up in that hospital and I was like, this shit is not sustainable. I can’t keep doing this. This is exhausting. So exhausting. It was like I wanted to die, but couldn’t and wouldn’t, but it also just was no way to live. And so I feel like that was the moment where I finally became willing. And I’ve talked about this before in other spaces,

For me, wanting and willing are two different things. I can want sobriety. I wanted sobriety that whole time. Nobody, like I didn’t wanna keep going in and out of hospitals. I didn’t wanna wreck my car, right? I didn’t wanna give up five weeks of my life to be in one of the hospitals and being in the ICU. I didn’t want those things, but I also wasn’t willing to do whatever it took for me to avoid those situations as well.

And I point that out because a lot of times we are in that headspace of, Oh, I want to, I want to be this, I want to do that. But there’s wanting and then there’s willing. And in that moment of waking up full of exhaustion and frustration and anger, I finally had become willing. And so even though in the past, anytime I was in a treatment facility, as you all know, if you listen to the episode, my rehab story, you all know that I was

always paying attention to the social workers to figure out how I could get discharged. And this is the first time that one of them asked me if I wanted to stay and I said, yes, I’ll stay. So again, there’s that big switch from wanting to willing. So in that hospitalization, when I get evaluated, I meet with a psychiatrist and he jumps into my story and we notice that there’s patterns of

not me being depressed all the time, like consistently depressed, but me having these waves of incredibly crippling depression, right? Like starting from college where I stopped going to class abruptly and failed and lost my scholarship at Barnard College, a part of Columbia University, and lost that Ivy League scholarship. So I switched schools. Or times that as a teacher that I would go kill through, like just eat up my sick time and be left with nothing.

and like forced myself to come back to school. But otherwise, there were just always these periods of my life where I just suddenly like disappeared on everybody, right? And there were a couple other things that he noticed kind of talking about my work ethic, periods where I could go with very little sleep on occasion and just have like these moments of massive creativity, et cetera. He also noticed that I spoke really fast.

at the time. And it’s funny because I could talk really fast. I’m very intentional about slowing down how I speak, especially obviously right now I’m recording into a podcast mic, so I’m slowing down on purpose. And this man was like, Jessica, you have bipolar disorder, bipolar two to be specific. Let me tell you, when this man said that, I was like, oh my God,

Back then I used the term alcoholic. Not only am I an alcoholic, I’m bipolar too. I was like, oh, this is the worst news ever. And I started crying right then and there. And he’s like, whoa, like slow down. Like, why are you so upset? And I was like, again, old mindset, old thinking. I was like, because you’re telling me that I’m crazy. Mind you, I was already in a psychiatric facility, but whatever. I was so upset.

And you know, here’s the thing you all right? Like when you hear a diagnosis and you take it in, it’s hard to take it in, especially when you come from a family where people with mental illnesses are made fun of. We don’t talk about the actual mental illnesses that people are dealing with and the trauma that they’re dealing with. We don’t even talk about the people who are blatantly addicted to different substances, right? So obviously for me to sit there and have a man tell me that I have bipolar disorder, like I was expecting him to say that I have depression maybe, anxiety. I was expecting something generic.

quote unquote, run of the mill. But no, he hit me with the bipolar two diagnosis and that was a lot to take in. And he was like, Jessica, all I’m saying is, and he put it in layman’s terms, he’s just like, you go through waves of getting very depressed and it impacts you badly. And you’ve been self-medicating with alcohol to get through it. But he’s like, you self-medicate with alcohol enough times, you eventually become addicted.

When he said it like that, I was like, oh, okay, that makes sense. I can work with that. But then the powerful thing came next. When I said, so what do we do now? Right? Again, that switch from wanting to willing, because I’m asking him, all right, you’re giving me this information, what the hell can I do with it doc? Because I’m really tired of living how I’ve been living.

And so the next step was medication. Before I talk about medication, the other question I wanna tell you all that, the other question that I had for him, I was like, so have I always been bipolar? Like, where did this come from, right? And so basically the way he explained it, he was like, well, it’s kinda like the trick or the egg. He’s like, some people have psychiatric illnesses and they find substances to be soothing to them.

they use the substances, but because they’re addictive, they become addicted, which I kind of already said. And he’s like, on the other hand, some people start using the substances and the repeated use of the addictive substance because it’s so toxic, it changes your brain chemistry, which then creates the mental illness. And so he’s like, I honestly don’t have any way of telling you which one it is, but the point is, he’s like, right now, you can’t stay sober very long.

unless we do something to support the brain chemistry that you’re working with. And so he’s like, however your brain got that way, I don’t know, but we’ve got to medicate you so at least help give you like a fighting chance to overcome the addiction and then you can do the rest of the work. And so when he framed using medication like that, again, I was like, oh, okay. I can do that. It’s almost like if you break your leg, you get a cast on and then you get some crutches, you’re not going to need the crutches forever.

You just need it until your leg is healing, right? Or heals. So when he framed it in that manner, I was like, you know what? Let’s do this. Let, you know, bring on the pills, bring on the medications and let’s see what happens. Because again, I can’t keep living like this. So if you’re listening and you are having this debate about, well, do I use medication? Do I not use medication? Talk to your doctor, have that consultation with your doctor and tap into yourself and tap into your heart.

If you are feeling like you’re at a point where you’re only fighting chance at beating this damn addiction is to get some assistance, get the assistance. Don’t let anybody, don’t let social media, don’t let somebody who isn’t walking in your shoes make you feel any less than because you’re seeking assistance. Because I use, and I’m about to talk about it, lots of medications to help me get through. And you know what? Today…

I don’t use any medication, right? Because at a certain point, as we said, I didn’t need those crutches anymore. And some people need the crutches for the rest of their lives, right? Some people walk with a cane forever and that’s all good. So everybody just has to walk their own journey. But again, if you’re sitting there and you’re listening, you’re like, hmm, I wonder if I should, go have the consultation with the physician. Like it’s not gonna kill you to go sit in a doctor’s office and have the conversation.

You know, you don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do, but I’m letting you know in my story, there was absolutely medication in the beginning. And so let’s dial it back to that time when go back to me being like, all right, well, what’s next? So we go through the medications with bipolar disorder, bipolar two specifically. He gave me a mood stabilizer, an antidepressant.

a sleep aid because I was having like major night terrors. And then he also gave me a medication to assist with alcohol cravings. The other thing that I wanted to mention in case I didn’t, the reason I was diagnosed with bipolar two versus standard bipolar one, in bipolar one you deal with manic episodes. I’ve never experienced manic episodes outside of hypomania. And hypomania is kind of like a more…

quote unquote chill version of a manic episode. So like, yeah, like sometimes I wouldn’t sleep as much. Not, yes, I would get like busy and creative and like produce a bunch of information, like lesson plans that were really creative and things like that. But really, I never lost touch with reality. I was never doing anything very risky. I mean, my drinking was risky, but even my drinking was happening more so in isolation, like in hermit mode in my apartment. So.

I never got diagnosed with a manic episode. So that was what differentiated bipolar one from bipolar two. Bipolar two, again, the heavy depressive waves. Anyway, so I had all those medications given to me. But the other thing that also happened when I was in treatment, again, cause like I said, this is about going from wanting to willing. So I became willing to use medications as a tool, which I was not willing to do before.

The other big thing that I became willing to do was I was willing to walk away from the job that I had. Like I said before in episode six, teaching was my passion. I had literally just won the Kentucky State Teacher of the Year award in 2019. Now in 2020, I’m sitting there and being like, I’ve got to walk away from this? Yes. Here’s why. As I’ve said before, the worst that I felt about my drinking.

the more that I dove into my work. And I did absolutely love my work with all my heart. And because as a kid, my teachers made me feel so loved when I didn’t always feel that. My teachers made me feel that I was more than what my appearance was, that I was more than what the outside could bring. Because of people like my educators that I had, I wanted to be that for my students.

But the problem was I really couldn’t separate in a healthy manner how I could do that for my students and then take time to take care of for myself. And honestly, I don’t even know how public school teachers do that today. So I knew that in order for me to really take the time to figure out this whole not drinking thing, things were gonna have to change drastically. And all that time that I struggled in 2020, I wasn’t willing to quit my job. I wasn’t willing, I wasn’t willing. I’d rather miss a couple days.

do family medical leave, you know, exhaust my sick time, I would do everything but resign. So in this facility, I was like, damn it, I’m gonna resign. I’ve got to, I’ve got to, like, I literally in my mind, while I was in treatment for this week, week and a half, I was like, I’m uprooting everything, everything. Some folks will say, don’t make any big decisions in your first year of sobriety. I made every big decision.

And so while I was in that facility, I wrote my resignation letter. I drafted it out in a little journal that they had so that I could type it up later when I got out. And I decided in that moment, I was done. So it was another thing I became willing to do. Then when I exited, I resigned. I gave in my couple weeks notice and I had accepted a position I applied for and I accepted a position with a tutoring company, something very low key that was not going to be…

taking a lot of my time. So by the time November 28th comes, right? I’d been taking the medications and kind of waiting for them to kick in. Psych meds do take several weeks to kick in you all, so it doesn’t happen overnight. I felt triggered over something and I don’t remember what it was. I did drink, but by that point,

the medications had started kicking in. And so you can say that my last episode of drinking was very anticlimactic, because I thought that by drinking, I was gonna end up spiraling and going to the hospital, but by the time I drank, it was like, ugh, that’s it? Like, that was my reaction.

I was going for the bottle to get some like major relief because again, I was triggered and I wanted to get out of my skin and get out of my head and like escape all the feelings. But when I had it, I just, it didn’t feel like anything. I felt flat because the medications, I mean that whole combination of medication, like damn, it better do something, right? All those meds. And so I like kept drinking and I got somewhat drunk, but it just,

it didn’t feel the same anymore. Something had happened. And obviously, like I said, you take that many medications, like something better be happening, right? And so November 28th came and that was my day one. And when I got to the end of that day one, it was like a fire was lit in me. Cause I was like, holy shit, like I’m not drinking, right?

Like I got through a day without alcohol and I actually didn’t really want it. Right. Do you know how amazing that feels? If you’re listening and you are sober and you are in recovery, you probably know what I’m talking about. If you’re in a space where you don’t miss the stuff to go from a lifetime of feeling addicted, like there were times you all that I felt like a fiend, right? There were times that like.

All it would do was like run through my mind day in and day out. That’s how I felt all the time with alcohol. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t live or breathe without knowing where the nearest liquor store was, how I was going to go get my next drink. Where could I hide it? Is someone going to find out? Am I going to get caught? Going through what felt like a lifetime of that to suddenly have the first 24 hours without an obsession.

for me was otherworldly. And so I was like, what’s next? I don’t wanna lose this. I don’t want to lose this. So suddenly the idea popped into my brain that I should tell my story. I’m going to resign on December 4th. Anyway, December 4th is my last day of work. I should go ahead and tell everyone exactly

what’s been going on. Because then maybe, just maybe, I might be able to break myself free from this. So I contacted a local journalist at the Louisville Career Journal and asked if I could write an op-ed and share my story.

She of course was like, yes. Because of course like, what newspaper is gonna be like, oh no, we don’t want the teacher of the year to tell us about their secret addiction. Like that’s crazy, right? Like of course they’re gonna want the readings and the clicks and all of that. So I got to write it, it was published, it went live December 3rd and it went viral. Like it literally blew up and went everywhere. But more importantly, I was freed.

I kid you not, I was freed. And again, you all, I have not had a drink since. And it was that shift from going from wanting to willing. Wanting to willing. So let’s talk a little bit about what support looked like back then and how it changed, okay? So in the beginning, like I obviously mentioned, I was taking medications.

Throughout the entire time that I was struggling, I was attending AA meetings on and off, mostly online, they were based in Kentucky. It was the only thing that I had ever been exposed to, it was the only thing that I had ever known. So I continued to attend AA meetings early on. I was paired with a psychiatrist, a therapist who was, excuse me, I have hiccups. I was paired with a psychiatrist, damn it, a therapist, when I first quit drinking.

through the clinic that was associated with the rehab that I had gone to, he was sober, but he didn’t attend 12-step programs. And he tried to like open my eyes a little bit to that, but I wasn’t trying to hear it. I was like, no, I’m good with AA. I have a sponsor, I’m good, I’m working the steps, et cetera. And that was fine. But a few months passed and I was five months sober and I got an email in my inbox and it was from a woman named Jennifer. I can’t remember her last name.

but she was like the executive producer of Red Table Talk with Jada Pinkett Smith. She’s like, hey Jessica, we read your op-ed that you wrote a couple months ago. We’d love to have you on the show. So I did a Zoom call with her, interviewed with her, and she really enjoyed talking to me, sent it off to the director, they approved it, and they flew me out a few days later to LA. A wild whirlwind, and I couldn’t tell anybody that I was doing this. It was like the biggest secret ever. So.

When I go to a table talk though, the craziest thing is that I met Katie from the Sober Black Girls Club. And then I also met Annie Grace, who is the author of This Naked Mind and also runs that program. And I remember just, again, being amazed to meet these women who I know were pretty high profile folks. And I remember being like, so what do your sponsors think? And they were both like, we don’t have sponsors.

And I was like, what do you mean you don’t have sponsors? And they were like, no, it was like, you don’t do AA? They were like, no, we don’t use AA. We use, you know, we just do our own thing, you know, like support groups, other types of groups. And when I saw these successful women who had been sober for years and realized that they don’t do 12-step programs, it planted a seed.

I didn’t like suddenly change everything that I was doing, but I really noted it because I was like, wow, they’re doing great and they’re thriving and they’re not in a 12 step program. But I thought that if I were to not do a 12 step program that I would die because that was the impression that I was given. And honestly, that was what I would see. I would see people in these 12 step programs that I had befriended and grown to really care for, including my own boyfriend. Right?

relapse and subsequently pass away. So in my mind, I was like, to leave the rooms equal death. But it’s not that black and white. I understand that now, right? So anyway, once I get back from my trip to California, can I start talking to my therapist? I’m like, hey, so I met these women. I was like, hey, they aren’t in AA and they’re doing okay. And…

I decided, well, my therapist was like, well, you’re working with me too, so you aren’t alone in your support. And she’s like, why don’t you see how it feels to not go to a meeting, specifically an AA meeting? Because again, for me, there were times that I didn’t necessarily feel great about the meetings I was attending, but again, it was all that I knew. And so there was one day that I like just didn’t attend a specific meeting.

And I kind of was waiting for the craving to drink to come and overtake me and like make me drive like a mad woman over to the bar or the liquor store, but nothing happened. And then I actually kind of felt happy that I didn’t go to that meeting because again, that specific space, it was just one that I wasn’t comfortable in. And so then it just happened again and again. And then I started getting online and looking at other programs and other spaces.

And over time, I found online community to become really powerful and resonating with me, more so than the 12-step spaces. So at the end, I stopped attending 12-step programs. By the time I hit six months sober, I never got a six-month chip. And again, I think that they save lives and shit. It was a safe space for me many, many times. But

We also always just have to look for what resonates with us. So again, if you’re here listening, look for where you feel comfortable. It’s absolutely okay to be picky about the spaces that you choose to spend your time in. It is absolutely okay. Don’t use those as an excuse to isolate and not be in community, but look around. There’s a lot, a lot of spaces out there.

So anyway, so yeah, so at about six months over, I decided to just like fully dive online. And then as time passed, I also decided to open up, actually at about three months over, I created my blog, Bottom List to Sober, where I decided that Ian, my boyfriend who passed, always talked about his story. And I wanted to dedicate that kind of work to him, the work of storytelling. And so,

My blog initially started off with me just interviewing people about their recovery stories and typing them up and sharing them. And you know, the blog just continued to grow. And I decided at one point, like at about a year or over a year sober, I decided that I also wanted to focus my energy on helping others. And so I learned about life coaching. I took some courses, got certified there. And then…

I just, again, continued to stay online, continued connecting with other people, and eventually stumbled upon Reframe. And I started working on Reframe, and even more time passed. And I started working, this is now more, say 2023, with the Luckiest Club. Other things that I’ve done, I’ve joined the National Association of Addiction Professionals, NADAC. I may be saying that wrong.

But it’s a great source for continued education in terms of just anything recovery based education. And I would say that now my recovery has also changed because about eight, nine months ago, before I hit two years sober, I made the decision with my doctor to stop taking psych meds. I was so scared you all to make that decision.

because I was like, oh my gosh, what if I stop and what if I spiral out of control, right? And like go straight to the liquor store. I always remember when I was checking out of treatment, the last facility, you know, one of the techs, which is like the people that work there, like an assist with everything, you know, he was like, oh, make sure you don’t stop taking those meds, otherwise you’ll end up right back here. And that really stuck with me. So when I was thinking about like, do I really need to still take meds? That guy’s message.

really was stuck in my brain. But my therapist was like, we don’t have to do it abruptly, because that’s not safe, but we can do it, we can taper appropriately, and we did that without disclosing details, so none of you just go off and do this on your own. Again, I want you, any decisions that you make, I want you to do them with a professional working with you. But we transitioned me off of medication, and

Now it’s probably been, yeah, that was in September of 2022, and we’re in July, so it’s been a long time. It has been a long time, you all. And I am here, it’s been 10 months without psych meds, and I haven’t experienced any depressive episodes, and I haven’t experienced anything that I would consider to be manic or hypomanic. And again, that question of the chicken and the egg comes back. Did I?

Do I have bipolar? Bipolar two? Was it the alcohol? Has my brain healed? I know my liver has healed, right? So many good questions that I’m always gonna explore and I’m always gonna continue to learn and figure that out. But ultimately, at this point, I really don’t want to drink. I hope I never drink again. I don’t see that in my future, but I never like to say never,

You’d never know. But what my recovery looks like today is a lot of being just really in touch with my feelings and letting myself feel my feelings and not escaping them and understanding that everything is absolutely temporary. What I do the most today is dive into texts. Reading is really powerful for me. So is writing. And…

really unpacking the thoughts that dance around in my head has been incredibly powerful. So before diving into my thoughts would be triggering because I wouldn’t understand that so many of my thoughts were not necessarily based in reality, right? Like so many insecurities I thought were real when I realized that I was just believing beliefs that were handed to me that I didn’t examine if they resonated with me. And so…

I know that probably sounds really like wishy washy or like very woo woo, but nowadays that’s what keeps me sober. It’s the ability to really pick apart my own thoughts and kind of like coach myself into like, oh, that doesn’t make sense, Jess, or yeah, that makes sense, but what are you going to do about it? Right? Continuing to work with a therapist. I’m in a group coaching program, so I always have access to a coach also to kind of like

dive into my thinking and my work. But I would say that that’s how my recovery has transformed. Certain things that I tried doing, I once was very into the super structured morning routine. I’ve gotta meditate and journal and pray and do all these different things. I have to do 10 things before my day starts. I stopped doing all that. I sometimes meditate, I sometimes don’t. I let my body be my guide.

If I have to slow down and pause, then I feel the need to slow down and pause, then I do it. If I feel the need to have a spiritual connection and pray to a higher power of my choice, I do, but I don’t force it. And that’s almost been like my greatest takeaway. There isn’t anything that I’m forcing myself to do now. Same thing with exercise. Exercise can feel very therapeutic and…

Sometimes I do it and you know, any of you who follow me on Instagram see that I’ll lift the hell out of something. And then there’s other times that I don’t feel like it and I just don’t do it. And so a huge part of me staying sober today is I do what I feel like doing and I don’t force myself to do anything that doesn’t feel right. And that has been working for me.

and I stay in community. I talk, I share, I stay absolutely connected. And like I said, I spend a lot of time reading about how the brain works. Been diving into books a lot to really just understand the science of this crazy shit. And it’s been really powerful. So as I sit here, I feel pretty content about how I explained my life since recovery.

And honestly, I’m excited to see where it continues. It’s been a hell of a journey. I’m incredibly grateful for it. I’m incredibly grateful for the opportunity to record it and to have you listen. So with that, I’m gonna stop there. If you’re listening to this as it airs, a couple cool things I’ve got going on. This weekend, I am hosting a, I’m starting my six-week writing program, Writing for Healing. You can register.

at bottomliststosober.com for the six week program. It also includes a one-on-one with me in your writing, because storytelling saves lives. So just that reminder, storytelling saves lives. So come join me so that I can help you with telling your story. And then on Sunday, July 16th, I’m hosting a one-time workshop where we talk about goal setting with, I’m co-facilitating that with Dr. Diane Marie. She’s…

phenomenal. She’s a phenomenal coach and I’m really excited for that opportunity. And so if you’re feeling stuck about your goals, I’m like, what the hell am I doing this point in the year? Come join us. Um, it’s 15 bucks to do that. And it’s like literally the cost of what it would be like to get Starbucks for you and a friend, except it’s a self investment and that and other opportunities you can find at my site, bottomlesstosober.com. Thanks you all so much for listening. Have an awesome, beautiful, beautiful day. Take care.

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In this episode:

Link to Spotify

I talk about the shame that can be experienced from feeling stuck on goals that we may have set early on in the year, and do a dive into some of the work around goals that I facilitate to make sure that what you’re working on is resonating with you.

Resources:

Upcoming Workshop: Summer Soul Mid-Year Check In: How Are We, Really?

Transcript:

Jessica Dueñas (00:01.95)
Hey everyone. So on today’s episode, I wanted to talk a little bit about goal setting and really giving yourself the permission to say, a fit with regard to some of your goals, if they’re really not meant for you and like giving yourself permission to let them go. Now I’m talking about goals because on July 16th, I will be co-facilitating a workshop around kind of like a mid-year check-in, right? It’s called the Summer Soul Mid-Year Check-in.

How are we really? And the reason why it’s called how are we really is because I feel like right now, social media especially is so full of like, you got six months to have six months of progress or six months of being stuck exactly where you are. And I almost feel like the pressure in a lot of social media content right now is that if you’re not working on a goal, I feel like it’s almost like shame as a motivator to affect change. And I’m here to say first of all,

Shame is never an effective way to get things done. Yes, does shame get things done? Sure. Is it longstanding change? Probably not, right? Shame is not really an effective motivator. It’ll get things done, but in terms of that type of change that’s gonna be permanent, that’s gonna feel good to your body, shame is not it. So I welcome you to mute anything that makes you feel guilty if you have fallen off track.

with anything or if you haven’t really been working on anything and if you have purposely not been working on anything and you’ve just been focusing on living and existing, I want you to recognize that as being totally valid too. You don’t have to spend every season of your life working on something. So I want to give you permission for that too, right? Like if you needed someone to say that, I’ll say it again.

You don’t need to always be actively working on something. It is okay to enter seasons of rest and seasons where you pause. So with that being said, yes, going back to what I was originally saying is that I am hosting or co-hosting a workshop on goal setting on July 16th. And if you wanna sign up for that, it is $15. You can spend $15 like at Starbucks in a heartbeat, right? Like buying like…

a drink and a snack. So, you know, if you feel that investment is worth you diving into yourself, please join us at this workshop and you can register at bottomlesssober.com. So first, let’s talk about whatever you may have set out to do in 2023. Why did you select whatever it was as a goal? So I feel like, for example, I’ll use myself. I have in the past,

use weight loss as a goal, right? And so I want you to pause and think about why, if let’s say we’re selecting weight loss, why you’re selecting that as a goal. And I want you to stop, you know, press pause if you need to, but in your journal or in your device, however you’re writing, really dive into why are you trying to accomplish this? And there’s two things I want you to pay attention to when you’re looking at your why.

Like, are any of your reasons related to you being happy if and only if you accomplish this? Or do any of these whys relate to you feeling worthy if and only if you accomplish this? And the reason I want you to think about that, and we’ll be talking about this in the workshop too, is because I want you to understand that when you’re attaching like you’re worthening your joy to outcomes or results from goals,

You’re basically setting yourself up to have a really, really hard time. You’re setting yourself up to really feel a lot of pain if you experience a setback because you’re tying your value to these outcomes. And also you’re kind of denying yourself the joy of being able to appreciate the journey of being able to appreciate your today, the present, because today is really what you have guaranteed. And so if you were no longer on this earth tomorrow,

Would it be that you’re unhappy because you didn’t have these results? Or can you find joy in what you have today? And so, again, if you are setting goals because you think that you’re gonna be happy only when you accomplish something or that you’re gonna feel worthy only when you accomplish something, I really want you to pause and think about that because what is it about your today that you can’t find some appreciation in or that you can’t find some sort of joy in?

And then the other thing too that I want you to do and that we’ll be doing together is I want you to dig into Where did your why come from in the first place? Right. Um, so again, you might want to press pause While you’re listening and journal this But I want you to answer the following questions like when was the first time that you wanted this result for yourself? Was this a norm that was pushed on you either by your family or society?

Or is this something that genuinely came out from yourself for yourself? And I also want you to ask, who stands to benefit the most from you attaining this goal and why? Is it really you who’s benefiting or are you perceiving some outside force to benefit from this? And sorry, there’s some weird background noise in the building that I’m in right now, so please excuse that extra noise. But coming back to this, I really,

want you to examine your why, and I also want you to examine it with self-compassion. Because first of all, if you’ve been struggling with accomplishing a certain goal, for example, for me with weight loss, right? I’ve always been a pretty active person, et cetera, but weight loss is not really a thing that seems to happen for me. And I can fight myself on it, fight the resistance, get really angry, and judge myself harshly on it. But if I look at it from a lens of self-compassion, I can ask myself, where did all of this come from?

And when I look at my history, I wanted to lose weight when I was younger because my mom told me that I needed to lose weight. Where did she get that from? She got that from my grandmother, who got it from probably her mother, right? But nobody ever stopped to really talk about why should we lose weight, right? And

If I then say for health reasons, right? I can dig into that a little bit more because when I weighed the least, I also was the sickest because I had alcoholic liver disease, right? So I really want you to examine the why because sometimes you may discover that you thought you really wanted something, but it was more so that it’s been a message that’s been programmed in you maybe since you were little that you really wanted this.

at your true heart of hearts, maybe you don’t want it. And I want you to give yourself permission to explore that and ask yourself, where is this desire for this goal coming from? And if it is in fact something that you want, that you generated yourself, and if it is something that you are not tying your worth to and that you are not tying your happiness to, then let’s go for it, right?

then let’s make that something for you to focus on for the rest of the year or whenever you wanna focus on it because it is not tied to your value, it’s not tied to your worth, and it’s actually a goal that you can own and that you can claim, right? Like it should be something that feels tough to do, but you would feel like a badass if you accomplished it, but if you didn’t accomplish it, you would be able to be kind to yourself, right?

This is a goal that maybe you can learn something about yourself with regard. It’s a goal that can excite you But again, it’s you’re not attaching your value to it and it’s something that you truly want to do So I just wanted to like kind of have that little brief conversation with myself and record it Because again, I think that right now

the narrative is, oh, it’s July, and if you haven’t been working on something, you’ve been wasting half a year. And again, that language is really shaming, and that language is really, it’s not helpful. And so again, I want you to practice kindness, I want you to practice self-love, and I want you to also practice authenticity with yourself because you absolutely deserve it. And if you wanna do this activity and some more activities in a group,

Please join me on July 16th at the Summer Soul Mid-Year Workshop Where we’ll be doing this in a group and some other activities as well and you can register for that at bottomlesstosober.com Thanks so much. Have a great one.

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In this episode:

Link to Spotify

What’s going to treatment like? Listen as I read my story, Drowning in Shallow Water, written for Love and Literature Magazine, in this episode. My experience is my own, but it may help answer questions about what rehab is like if you’re curious. If you want support with your own storytelling, I invite you to sign up for my Free Writing Workshop, and if you enjoy that, register for my Six-Week Writing for Healing Program. 

Content Warning: car accident, suicidal ideation, substance abuse, strong language

Resources:

Using Family Medical Leave for Substance Abuse Treatment

Types of Treatment Programs

Love and Literature Magazine

Free Writing for Healing Workshop

Transcript:

Jessica Dueñas:
Hey everyone! So today we’re gonna do some legit just storytelling. I am going to be running the third iteration of my writing program, Writing for Healing, with a free workshop on July 8th, followed by the six-week writing program that starts July 15th. Check that information out at bottomlesstosober.com. I’m always open for more folks if more folks want to join. So yeah, so today I just want to tell a story. So sit back, relax, get comfortable.

Content warning, there are parts that talk about car accidents, going to treatment, death, suicidal ideation, drug overdose, etc. So in general when we tell stories about our life in active addiction, there tends to be a lot of content that is really rough. So just giving you that heads up, some strong language as well. So you might need to skip this if you’re not into hearing any of those things. But otherwise…

Get comfortable. I hope that if you have never been to rehab and have been curious that this answers some questions for you. If you are going to rehab and you’re thinking, what can I expect? Obviously this is my personal situation, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you saw something similar. And then lastly, if you have a loved one in rehab, I hope this also answers some questions for you about what they may be going through. I went to rehab about eight times, I believe. Seven, eight hospitalizations.

So that gives you a sense of my experience in facilities, which is plentiful. So I’ll go ahead and I’ll get started. This story, I wrote it in 2021. It’s called Drowning in Shallow Water. It was originally published for Love and Literature Magazine. And now I get to read it to you here on the Bottomless to Sober podcast. So I hope you get comfy and enjoy. Excuse me while I clear my throat. Part one.

racing to the bottom. I’m fine, I’m fine, I said, narrowly opening my eyes, trying to make sense of what was happening while hanging upside down. It was the morning of May 25th, 2020, and I had just gained consciousness after wrecking my car on Bartstown Road in Louisville, Kentucky. I vaguely remembered that my dog, Cruz, and I were on our way to meet a friend for a walk. Instead, I found myself suspended in the air

by my seatbelt, realizing that everything was upside down and feeling the pressure of blood rushing to my head, awake and still alive, unfortunately. Wait, my dog. I started to mumble when I looked out and there he was. His tail was still as if he was holding his breath waiting for me. Relief. Then the waves hit my body, one after the other. Not pain, but first,

fear. What’s happening to me? Next, anger. I shouldn’t be okay. I don’t want this. Lastly, shame. I’m awful. How could I want to die with my dog in the car? What kind of sick person am I? I deserve to die. I’m fucking hopeless. I wanted to walk away from the scene to escape the best way I knew how. Racing to the bottom of a bottle of cheap bourbon.

first things first, these damn first responders weren’t letting me go if it wasn’t in an ambulance. I hadn’t even realized that I lacerated my elbow and had pieces of glass embedded throughout my skin like some sort of glittery decor. “‘I don’t want any goddamn help,’ I muttered under my breath as I got into the ambulance. I had to answer the same rote questions I’ve responded to many times in ambulance rides. Wait, how do you spell your last name? D for David.'”

U, E for Edward, and it went on until getting to the hospital. Though I was furious and incredibly resentful at going to the hospital, there was one positive, pain pills. My favorite mind-altering drug has always been alcohol, as I never had the umph in me to work as hard as people do to go get illicit drugs. However, I certainly wasn’t going to reject a nice prescription either. I could already feel the euphoria just before blacking out with

burning splashes of Evan Williams. I couldn’t wait to escape my misery and get away for a day or two. Here’s your prescription for ibuprofen 800s. Excuse me? Ibuprofen? I felt myself clutching my nonexistent pearls. Yes ma’am. But I just flipped my car over. I just got out of a terrible wreck. Sorry, you aren’t experiencing enough pain for anything stronger. Wow.

Immediately, I wondered what the fuck someone would have to do to get a pain pill around here. I mean, lose a limb? Well, there went any slight, on-the-bright-side feeling I was starting to have. My stomach started sinking again. I rolled my eyes and groaned. Getting home from the hospital, I knew I would have to tell my sister what happened. I had already been hospitalized several times since April 28th when I found my then-boyfriend dead from a drug overdose.

Ever since, I was trapped in what felt like a never-ending bender from hell. In less than a month, I had already gone twice to detox. I had several emergency room visits with dangerously high blood alcohol levels. So to prepare myself for this call, I got a few liquor bottles dropped off thanks to alcohol delivery and opened one of the bottles. No need to pour it in a glass. I drank it like water. Jess, you’re dying. You need help. Please go somewhere.

I can’t handle this. Every time the phone rings, I’m terrified,” Sophie cried. I sighed and thought to myself, damn, I don’t wanna be hurting her like this. So I picked up the phone and called the local treatment facility inquiring about their five-week program. Deep down, I was hoping they wouldn’t have a bed open. Deep down, I wanted to just keep drinking and shut down.

I was already dreading the feeling of detoxing and withdrawals. The woman on the phone said, yes, we can take you. How about we pick you up later today? I went to clutch my imaginary pearls again. Today? But I’m not packed. That’s okay. Someone can drop clothes off for you. I tried to deflect. I can’t come tomorrow? Well, sweetheart, you can come tomorrow. But will you make it till then?

I sighed and rolled my eyes. Fine, but can you come in the evening? Yes. Rubbing my hands together, I realized I had a few hours so that I could give myself one last hurrah before I went into this place. I couldn’t imagine five weeks without drinking. I dreaded the idea of having to feel everything, of only being unconscious to sleep. So I swallowed hard, I drank fast. I threw the ibuprofen 800s in the trash.

I vaguely remember a friend coming to get Cruz, and then everything went dark and silent. I couldn’t feel a thing. Things were exactly how I wanted them to be, always and forever. I came to on a couch in an unfamiliar space. I looked around. There were people watching TV, others were playing card games at a table, someone was writing in a notebook while reading out of what appeared to be a Bible.

I could tell I needed a drink. My head was starting to throb. My hands were beginning to shake. I looked down. As I examined the dried blood on my clothes, I suddenly felt like my elbow was being stabbed. There were some rough stitches in there. The thick, black surgical threads stuck out of my elbow like a porcupine’s needles. I got up only to feel the room starting to spin. And a woman, to this day I don’t remember who it was, grabbed my good arm and walked me to a room.

She pointed me to a plainly dressed bed. Immediately I got in, back to black, relief. I finally woke up with a clearer head in that same bed and walked out of the room. It looked like I was in a college dorm setup of some kind. I saw people sitting in a courtyard, cigarettes, and vape pens in hand, surrounded by a cloud of smoke to the left of me. In front of me, standing at a desk, a young woman looked at me and smiled.

Hi Jessica, how are you love? I’m Danielle. Danielle was a tech, so she was introducing herself to let me know that she, alongside the other techs, supervised the area to make sure that all was in order. She was also a few years in recovery from all kinds of drugs, and she just glowed. As she walked me around the facility to give me a sense of where I was, she ran down basic things like the schedule, the rules, and our responsibilities. Yes, we as the patients had chores.

Some people eagerly waved hello as we passed them. Others looked like they had just gotten there too and moved about like zombies. You know, Jessica, my boyfriend died two years ago from a drug overdose too. I was immediately caught off guard. First, I wondered how she knew. Then second, I felt a surge of relief. It had basically been a month since Ian died.

And I had yet to hear that there was another soul on this earth who also had a boyfriend who died from a drug overdose. She sat me down and shared her story with me. There was so much I related to, I had to ask. But how did you live through it? How are you still here? In my mind, I thought this life experience was supposed to come with some sort of death sentence. That I would just

bide my time until I killed myself or died of alcohol poisoning. But Danielle, here she was, joyful, glowing, and with some solid continuous silver time under her belt, and proving me wrong. Oh, trust me, she said. It was the worst experience of my life to date, and my heart is still broken. Eventually, though, you start to find your way in this world with grief. I promise you it gets better.

I’m a testament to that. Immediately, I felt a tiny shift in me, a butterfly in my stomach. Maybe it does, in fact, get better. I mean, if Danielle did it, perhaps I can too. She gave me a hug, which also surprised me, and she went off to finish her shift. Before leaving for the day, Danielle came back to find me and handed me a sheet she pulled from the tech desk printer.

The paper read, “‘People think a soulmate is your perfect fit, “‘and that’s what everyone wants. “‘But a true soulmate is a mirror, “‘the person who shows you everything “‘that is holding you back, “‘the person who brings you to your own attention “‘so you can change your life. “‘A true soulmate is probably the most important person “‘you’ll ever meet, “‘because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.'”

But to live with a soulmate forever? Nah, too painful. Soulmates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you and then leave. A soulmate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control.

that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master. This was an excerpt from Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat Pray Love. I knew then that although it was going to be a long five weeks, that maybe this was exactly what I needed. And now we’ve got chapter two, or part two, surrounded and alone.

Well, the funny thing is I didn’t tell him that I had the Holy Trinity. Natalie cackled while talking to some of the 20-somethings in the courtyard. Off to the side of everyone chatting, I was sitting in a beat up camping chair, trying to mind my business and enjoy the sun and its warmth on my skin. But Natalie’s voice carried over to my ears and I could feel my ears perk up. Holy Trinity, I wondered, what’s she talking about? Even though I initially wasn’t listening,

Her gleeful energy in between cigarette pulls caught everyone’s attention, including mine. “‘You know,’ she said as the smoke slowly floated up from the side of her mouth, “‘Hep A, Hep B, and Hep C.’ Immediately, my jaw dropped with a slight gasp and laugh. What? Then I had a flashback to the night before when I saw some of the younger ones, as I like to call them, scurrying around the facility.

They were trying to distract the techs from supervising so Natalie and some other kid could run off to have sex. What was another conquest for Natalie to brag about was about to become a really uncomfortable situation for that kid. Days later, he came back to us saying he tested positive. Originally, I thought it would be for hepatitis, given, you know, Mother Teresa and her Holy Trinity, but it turned out to be some other STI. So maybe the joke was on Natalie.

I don’t know. There were no condoms around because of course, no one was supposed to have sex, except they did, and clearly, it was not safe. I remember one morning coming back to my room after brushing my teeth. As I approached, I noticed that the lights were off. Hmm, did I do that? Our doors didn’t lock at the facility, so as I leaned on the door with my arms full of toiletries, I heard heavy breathing coming from the other side of the room.

and saw shuffling under the covers. It was my roommate with a particularly creepy man who made my skin crawl. I cringed when I heard him moan then loudly whisper in her ear. He definitely was not a 20-something. Do I interrupt, I wondered? Do I tell a tech what’s happening? I knew the rules, but I didn’t know what was considered right and what was wrong. I was quickly learning during my stay that it wasn’t about the rules.

It was about what I needed to get through those 35 days in peace. It hit me that my five weeks would quickly feel like 10 weeks if I had a conflict with anyone. So in that moment, I decided that I hadn’t seen or heard anything. Before they noticed that I had walked in, I stepped out and took a seat in the common area. I exhaled, putting my face in the palm of my hand to wait. It only took a few minutes for him to come out of the room. I was not surprised.

While the techs occasionally played whack-a-mole trying to control the 20-somethings, I found myself entertained in my own way thanks to another patient. No, I did not have sex with this man. I didn’t even touch him. But I still found myself distracted in his company. Our connection brought me comfort at a moment in my life when I was grieving the man I knew was permanently gone. He was no replacement, but he took me away from my pain. If I couldn’t have alcohol while in treatment,

at least I could have some male attention, and he was exactly what I needed for those five weeks. I always looked forward to early evening when we could work on crossword puzzles by the tech desk. We chatted with each other and the techs who, like Danielle, were all in recovery and helped remind us that getting better was possible. As it got close to 9 p.m., I began to dread my nightly trip to the nurse’s statement, nurse’s station. As soon as I took my night meds,

the clock started counting down. Slowly my eyelids got heavier and my head started to knot off, which annoyed me. It was a nice change for once to actually want to be awake, but those meds sapped my energy. I was finally laughing with others after not having done so in over a month. And even more surprising, I was smiling again. I didn’t want the meds to take that little bit of joy away from me every evening.

As we worked on the crossword one time, I looked at him and wondered, why isn’t he sleepy? It was then that I learned from others how to cheek my meds. So that night, I went into the nurse’s station, I took the little paper cup with my medications, emptied it into my mouth, and said, ah, like a little kid, as I stuck my tongue out so the nurse could take a look. All the while,

I tasted the bitterness of the pills hidden between my gums and cheek as they started to break down. I rushed to the bathroom to spit them out before they disintegrated, wrapped them up in tissue, stuffed them into my bra, and saved them for when I actually wanted to go to bed. Back to the crosswords. I rapidly fell into the daily routine. I was so wrapped up with therapy, groups, and classes that I started to forget about the world outside.

the world that treatment was shielding me from. I was vaguely aware that it was a world that seemed to have fallen apart. Every now and then, someone would flip past the news channel while looking for another episode of Botched. I remember hearing snippets of COVID’s numbers going up as the TV abruptly switched to Naked and Afraid or some other reality show. I remember being allowed to watch TV briefly while the protests broke out around the country and just miles away from where we were. Then…

as soon as gunshots rang out live on TV, it suddenly became silent. TV off. A part of me was relieved to be away from it all, away from one unprecedented event after the other, as well as the alcohol that waited outside patiently for me. Every week, I got 30 minutes to speak to someone from the outside on video chat. I always chose my sister, Sophie. It had hurt her so much to see me struggling.

that I wanted to show her how good I looked the longer I was in treatment. You have no idea how much at peace I feel knowing you’re safe. I’ve been taking the family support classes and I’m learning a lot, she would say. That facility provided classes for both families and patients on addiction and how it is a disease and not a failure of character. I still felt like a failure, but I didn’t have to think about that in treatment. Instead,

I could just relax like I was at a summer camp for dysfunctional adults. I knew what was waiting for me on the other side of the fence. It was the people outside, those people and their opinions, and that ran chills down my spine. Mommy doesn’t know where I’m at, right? I asked. Each time I spoke to my sister, I asked if people had figured out where I was, fearful that my secret would be revealed.

I just wanted people to think I was taking time for myself and unplugging after the loss. I didn’t want a soul to know that I was locked away in a treatment facility, that I was institutionalized. The very idea of anyone knowing where I was made my heart race and my stomach sink fast, like a freefall with no end. I’d seen people get ripped apart publicly because of their secrets, and I didn’t want that to be me.

As I watched my sister chat on the screen about her days and what things have been like for her, my mind wandered to thoughts of how I would rather die than have others know where I was. I mean, how could I, this teacher loved by the community, be an alcoholic? How could I be such an extreme case that I couldn’t be trusted with my own life and had to be locked away? How could I be a good person but be hooked so badly? It just didn’t make…

sense. I didn’t tell my sister that those thoughts raced through my mind while we spoke. I didn’t tell my therapist when I looked her in the eyes across her desk. I didn’t tell anyone in my group sessions during those heavy pauses when I could have said something. I did not tell a single soul how torn I felt inside. Even in those moments surrounded by people just like me, I was alone.

That was part two. Now we’re at part three. If you’re still with me, thank you for listening. Part three, the truth they wanted. Jessica Vivian Duenas, beloved teacher, community member, friend, sister, daughter, and aunt passed away on May 25th, 2020 at the age of 35 in a tragic car accident. She had a great passion for education and community engagement.

and a great dedication to her family. Jessica leaves behind her mother, Amable, her siblings, Sandra, Lorena, Gretel, Victor, and Sofia, and her friends, colleagues, students, and her dog, Cruz.

We have a lot of assignments and treatment designed to teach us not to drink or use drugs, but writing my own obituary wasn’t an activity given to everyone. A tech, this older lady named Lisa, felt I should write it given my recklessness. The process of starting to draft it was awkward, but in fact painful. The thinking of those left behind nodded my stomach as I visualized each crying face. I can imagine my middle school student, James,

He was usually smiling, often with his hand over his mouth to stifle a laugh at something silly he just did or saw some other kid do. I pictured a woman, his mother, walking into the room he’s in and saying, I’m so sorry, baby, Ms. Duane has died yesterday. Suddenly, his almost shut from laughing squinted eyes would soften and his cheeks that stood high from smiling just dropped down.

and water wells up so much in his eyes that the single tear he was holding back slowly starts to roll down his face, past his nose and onto his lip. What you mean, mama? She sniffles. I’m sorry, baby. She leans over to embrace him, and at that moment, I’m so broken at the thought of another’s pain that I shake my head like a dog does to bring myself back into the present moment.

I was in the fireplace room in the facility. Our women’s group usually did most of our sessions in that space. Today we had to meditate, but instead we were all doing different things. No one actually meditated because no one you had to sit still unless you were drunk or high and basically knocked out of consciousness. Some women, like Denise, decided to take a nap because she was still detoxing. She ended up here after her husband found her on the floor next to a shattered bottle of wine.

She had just shared in a group that she was a full-time mom in her 30s who loved Mommy Needs Wine jokes until she realized that in fact, Mommy needed wine. I’m not a mom, but I nodded my head as soon as she spoke because I knew that needing feeling really well. Shanika walked over to the bookshelf, pulled a book at random, sat down and cracked it open. It was nice seeing her back from the other psych hospital. She was more calm and settled.

On her first day here, she was under the influence of God knows what. She had the wildest eyes, looked at me, and immediately said, I know you! Where do I know you from? I panicked. Oh no

Jessica Dueñas (24:43.634)
I saw his eyes open wide and then we made eye contact. Clearly he didn’t know what to do. Shit, I didn’t know what to do. So I just looked at him, raised my eyebrows and shrugged my shoulders. It was funny to be honest. We were trapped in a circle of prayer. So what were we supposed to do? I’m sorry to connect your connection with God here, but Shanika’s grabbing my ass? Like, no. Thankfully the circle eventually ended.

and off she went. He and I looked at each other and laughed, perhaps a bit uncomfortably. It turned out Shanika was hallucinating and having a psychotic break. Her breaking point with our facility occurred when she climbed onto her roommate’s bed in the middle of the night and picked at her because she was covered in supposedly ants. That scuffle caused security to run into the room and quickly snatch her up. So Shanika was gone for a few days to complete her detox at a higher security psychiatric facility.

Those are the type of hospitals that take your bra from you so you don’t stab someone with your underwire. You can’t have shoelaces there so that you can’t hang yourself. It’s the type of place where techs have to lay eyes on you once every 10 minutes, even when you’re asleep, to make sure you haven’t suddenly died. You’d be in a deeply medicated sleep and abruptly wake up to a flashlight in your face. I’ve been in those places too. So to see her back with us in the fireplace room,

calm and quietly reading was a testament to how we can slowly come back from the dead after a few days of being in rehab. She didn’t recognize me anymore. That was a relief. My secret was still safe. Once we finished meditating, a social worker came to work with us to discuss relapse prevention planning. Essentially, we were going to sit there and outline everything that triggered us to get drunk or high and then a list of 10 things to do instead.

As I listened to her, I tilted my head to the side and scratched my scalp a little bit. I raised my hand. Yes, Jessica. She turned to me. This isn’t my first time writing a relapse prevention plan, but I just don’t get how it’s supposed to work. I mean, I’ll be honest. If I want a drink, I’m not going to say, hmm, where’s my prevention plan? That just doesn’t make sense, I said. She paused.

Sure, that’s a great point. So you put it on sticky notes and you place them all over your home. Alrighty, I thought to myself, shaking my head. Inside, I wanted to scream. Don’t you get it? I’m addicted to alcohol. So my default setting is drinking. If not drinking, we’re as easy as opening up some sort of almanac reference guide, filling out a handout or looking at a sticky note.

We wouldn’t be sitting here filling in the blanks on this paper in this treatment facility right now, would we? Instead, I just went ahead and started to fill it out. Triggers. Grief, sadness, loneliness, anger, darkness, joy, light, anything? Better scratch off those last few items. I didn’t want to keep them there and then be accused of being cynical. I knew how these places operated.

The social workers keep notes on patients, their behavior, their participation. Good behavior gets sent to the discharge team and puts folks on a list to go home. Poor behavior keeps you around longer. You can’t just leave treatment one day because you think you’re good to go. The only ways out are to either hop the fence and run, break the rules badly enough to get kicked out, run out of insurance, or wait until they let you go.

and that is contingent on you finishing the program to their satisfaction. I didn’t have the energy to run or rebel, and as a state employee, I had good health insurance, so my only way out was to comply. I was down to my last couple of weeks, and it was nice to be on a little sober vacation. I had actually made friends with some people, but I wanted to go home. However, I didn’t know if I was in fact ready to leave.

I just knew that if I kept the social workers checking off the boxes on my discharge list, I’d be getting the green light to leave soon enough. I needed to get out and be on my own, away from everyone, away from the cigarette smoke in the courtyard, the saltless meals throughout the day, from the lack of privacy. That was my goal. I wanted to be in complete solitude whether I was really ready or not. That was, uh.

Part three, and now we’re up to the last part, part four. Thanks for listening with me. And part four is called, This House of Broken Promises.

Jessica Dueñas (29:47.498)
Rehab is like a fortress. When you come in, we protect you from your demons, but when you leave, those demons are right where you left them, waiting. So how are you going to be different when you walk out those doors? We were in a women’s session and the counselor, Catherine, stopped to ask us that question. Shit, I don’t know. Was I different?

My eyes shifted from side to side to see if anyone showed signs of having morphed. Then, as I processed more of what she said, I also realized that this so-called fortress didn’t do that good of a job of protecting us from our demons, or even ourselves while inside. The counselors always sat around in meetings each morning before coming in to work with us. Catherine was always in the know about all the patient gossip and drama. But how could she ignore?

that the day before one of my friends found a 20 something slumped over in the bathroom stall. He had snuck pain pills in and knotted off after using them in the restroom. He had to go to the ER. Did she not get filled in by management on how the week before Melissa, a mom in treatment on a judge’s order, was caught high on meth? This was her last chance to get her kids back from foster care and she ended up high after almost 20 days sober.

I just didn’t expect to see it right in my face. When Connor snuck meth in and showed it to me, I didn’t know about anything but that feeling right then. I just want to apologize to the group for using drugs here. Now I don’t know what the judge will do with my kids.” Melissa cried. I remember her trying to hold back the tears as she apologized to us.

I wish I could go back to that moment and hold Melissa and then shake her and yell at her and say, don’t apologize to us. You thought you were safe and some idiot used what he knew would be a weakness against you. Don’t be ashamed because you relapsed. You’re not a bad mom. You’re not a bad person. Be proud that you’re still here and willing to continue to try. Be proud that you accepted another chance. Be proud that you’re getting help. That’s what I wanted to say to her. Really.

These were all things I wish people would have said to me each time I relapsed last year in 2020. I say these things now to others when they relapse. I can’t help but wonder how Melissa is today and where her kids are. She always carried these slightly crinkled pictures of them in her folder and liked to pull them out in meetings and sessions. They had big smiles, glowing skin, big messy curls that looked just like they got tussled while they had a blast playing.

I hope they’re all together. I left the facility before she did and lost touch quickly after. Did she become that different person that Catherine, the social worker said we had to become? Was she able to ward off the dragons laying awake outside of rehab after the five weeks were up? Five weeks, what a long time for her, for anyone. 35 days.

I have 35 days of peace away from everything. These five weeks in rehab were meant for me to cocoon myself before I emerged and flew away like some big beautiful butterfly. My days in rehab were coming to an end, and as I felt my discharge day getting closer every morning, I saw the new date on the board. June 27th, June 28th, and finally June 29th, the night before my departure. All right, Miss Jessica.

Let’s review and sign off on your aftercare plan. We are confirming that you are in fact going back to your house where you live by yourself and you will be attending IOP, intensive outpatient, for nine weeks,” said Nancy. Nancy was a social worker in charge of our transitional plans. “‘Are you sure you don’t want to go into sober living?’ she asked. I shook my head. Hell no, I thought. There is absolutely no way that I was going to move into sober living.”

I was ready to be in my own space by myself and back with my puppy, Cruz. I’ll be honest, I had the fleeting thought that maybe going straight home wasn’t the best idea. Then I had another thought that if I wanted to drink, my location wasn’t going to stop me from doing so, so I might as well go home. These back and forth conversations in my head were draining me of any morale I had left.

After weeks of classes and group sessions, I could teach someone else the ins and outs of treatment. I could tell you exactly what triggers are and the science behind addiction and why we were all after dopamine, whether you drank cheap liquor or shot heroin. I could tell you all about 12-Step and other recovery programs that we were introduced to. I was the valedictorian of rehab, a perfect mirror. Anything that I was taught, I reflected back to everyone else well enough to make them think Jessica’s got it, when in fact, I did not.

My last night in our group meeting, we went around the room and everyone had something nice to say about their time knowing me and their confidence in my ability to do well. I smiled at everyone and gave big hugs and promises of staying friends and keeping in touch. Internally, I cringed as each kind word make my stomach sink further. I didn’t know what I was going to do with myself. I remember going to bed, bags packed, outfits selected to go home in.

In my head, I plan to go back to normal and just not drink. But deep down, there was that damn sinking feeling. I felt it every time I tried to convince myself that I was going back to normal. I tried to replay everyone’s kind words, but I couldn’t find ease or comfort in them. I pulled my hidden sleep meds from my bra and swallowed them quickly so I could fall asleep fast and escape the sense of impending doom I hated so much.

The morning came and my friend, who had been taking care of Cruz since the day I went into treatment, was waiting there to pick me up. I walked out into the sun and into her arms. It was so good to hug a friend from the outside world. We went straight to the grocery store where the smell of cilantro in the produce aisle made my mouth water. I remember filling my basket full of bright fruits and other healthy snacks. I was planning to keep up with the balanced eating habits I had picked up in treatment.

Though I was dead sober, I don’t remember the ride back to my house. It was a blur. My friend came into the house with me, did a quick safety check to make sure there weren’t any bottles remaining, embraced me and asked, Alright girl, you gonna be good? Uh, I thought, but I said, Yeah, it’ll be tough, but I’ll be good. As I shut the door behind her,

I turned around and looked into my house. It was an empty, painful sight to take in. So it’s just you and me, I thought. Just me in this house of broken dreams. I went to turn the TV on, but nothing happened. I forgot that I had fallen onto it while drunk at some point and broke some cables. I opened my laptop to get online, but

There was a picture of my dead boyfriend, handsome and joyful, so I slammed the computer shut. I sat at the table, but the seat felt too hard. I went to the couch, but the seat was covered in dog hair. I moved to another chair, but it felt empty. Then, like a small drop of water that will eventually overflow a bucket, the thought of having a drink made its way into my head.

From this one thought, the desire immediately rushed throughout my body. I was overcome by the fiendish sensation. I know I shouldn’t. I told myself. This thought was immediately followed by rationalizations. Well, I can order a bottle and I don’t have to drink it, I said to myself as I got on my phone to get on the alcohol delivery app. Yeah, I said to myself.

I can pour it down the drain after a few drinks,” I told myself when I closed out my cart and completed my purchase. I repeated these same thoughts over the next hour as I waited for the delivery. I reawakened my old routine of pretending everything was fine. I called my sister, Hey, just letting you know I’m finally home. Yeah, it’s definitely weird. Yeah, I promise I’ll call if anything.

Yeah, I’m so sleepy. I’m going to go to bed early. I also sent a few texts to other people to let them know that all was good and that I was going to quote unquote bed because I was quote unquote tired. Um, this was around 7 30 PM though. I was not going to bed.

The alcohol was in my hands and then my mouth. It burned in my throat. I gagged at first because I had forgotten what it was like and had chugged it straight from the bottle like I had been in a desert and hid in an oasis. I was finally out of this protective space that treatment was intended to be for me, this so-called fortress, this cocoon. I was in fact a beautiful butterfly. But my wings…

My wings were crumpled. I couldn’t fly. And so I crashed hard. As I lay there flat on my back on the floor, a song played on repeat that I fell in love with while I was gone. It’s called Nights in White Satin by the Moody Blues.

Never reaching the end, letters I’ve written, never meaning to send, beauty I’d always missed with these eyes before, just what the truth is I can’t say anymore. I took one last breath, closed my eyes, and everything faded to black as I went back under the water of my addiction.

And that is Drowning in Shallow Water, originally written for Love and Literature magazine back in 2021. Obviously I have now been sober since November 28th of 2020, so I have over two and a half years of recovery at the time of this recording. If you want help with writing your own story, join me on my free writing workshop on July 8th, and I have another one coming up in September. That is at bottomlesstosober.com.

You’re also more than welcome to join me in my full six-week writing program where I help you do what I just did. Thanks so much for listening. Feel free to send me a message if you listened on what resonated with you from that story. Thanks again so much. Have a great one.

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In this episode:

Link to Spotify

I share about why we should stay sober even when the current events repeatedly show themselves are darker and grimmer. I offer an alternative to the thought, “The world has gone to hell, so why bother getting sober?”

Recommended Resources:

Why Bother Getting Sober When The World is Falling Apart, TikTok by Jessica Dueñas

Transcript:

Jessica Dueñas
Hey everyone. So today we’re gonna talk about basically how to survive, how to stay sober when it really feels like the world is going to shit. So quick story, I remember there was one time I was working with a client and something happened on a federal legal scale that was incredibly discouraging, which happens at this point all the time now. And her comment to me was, I don’t even.

see why I should bother getting sober when everything’s gone to hell anyway. And so if you’re listening to this and you feel that way, I hear you and I recognize that yes, things often do feel like they’ve gone to hell. However, I’m going to encourage you to still stay sober, to still try despite the world apparently falling apart.

The first point that I want to bring up, right, for any of you who might care about any kind of social activism, social supports, etc. for others, is that if you in any way expect to contribute to changing things or to helping to change things that are not directly in your control, I promise you that you in the throes of addiction are not going to be able to help anybody else. So that’s going to be like my first point, right?

You’ve got to be sober in order to help other people. If you are struggling with addiction, you’ve got to be sober in order to truly show up for yourself and for others. Now, when I was an educator, I was in the throes of addiction. And yes, I was helping a lot of other people. I was helping students. I was able to amass massive amounts of money to fundraise for the school that I worked at, et cetera. But you know who I wasn’t showing up for? For me. And the way that I was doing that, I would eventually have died an early death

and never seen the fruit of all the work that I was putting in. But if you’re sober, right, you can show up for any cause that you want to support and know that at least you are giving yourself the chance in your lifetime to see things through. But if you are not trying to fight your addiction, your addiction is eventually going to get you. So I want to bring that up as the first point. The other point that I want to point out

I know things seem really terrible now, but I promise you that throughout, like, humans’ existence, we have always gone through, the generations before us have always gone through unprecedented times, right? I personally speaking, as a descendant of people who were colonized, as a descendant of people who were enslaved, if my ancestors had said, well, fuck it, like, now I’m a slave, so why bother?

or if my ancestors had said, well damn, now the Spanish came in and took our lands, right? Why bother? If my ancestors had said those things, I wouldn’t be here. And so I encourage you, regardless of your own background, regardless of who your ancestors are, et cetera, I want you to understand that if you sit there and say, why bother, that you are robbing future you.

or not even you, if you, I’m not even saying that you’re gonna have children or not, but like you’re robbing like the future, the opportunity of what you can accomplish if you choose to stay here and fight for your recovery. And really, I don’t feel like I have a third point, and this is gonna be like a super short randomness of me just talking, but I just wanted to point those things out, that you matter, your recovery matters. You.

While you are still on this earth, you deserve, you owe it to yourself and to anybody who might be impacted by you to show up fully. And if you’re fighting addiction, that means getting help. And that’s all I’ve got.

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Free Support Group for Educators. August 3rd. Register here.

1:1 coaching is open. Schedule a free consultation here.

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In this episode:

Link to Spotify

I talk about my experiences with dating and provide suggestions for managing navigating dating while in recovery. What I won’t do, is tell you to avoid dating in your first year.

Recommended Resources:

Dating While In Recovery Blog Piece by Jessica Dueñas

Upcoming Opportunities

Free Writing for Healing Workshop. July 8th. Register here.

Six-Week Writing for Healing Program. July 15th. Register here.

Summer Soul Mid-Year Check In: How Are We, Really? July 16th. Register here.

Free Support Group for Educators. August 3rd. Register here.

1:1 coaching is open. Schedule a free consultation here.

Transcript:

Jessica Dueñas:
Hey everyone, so today we’re going to talk about dating, which is always of course a hot topic in the recovery world. And first I’ll start by telling a little story, which I think is probably going to be how I model this podcast, always starting off with a little story. So when I first got sober, if you don’t know, I was single because I had been in a relationship with a boyfriend who passed away.

due to his own addiction. So I was totally like not looking at anybody for a while and then honestly early on in my recovery journey probably about like five six seven months sober I had a an interest but I lived in Tampa and he lived in Louisville, Kentucky and you know, obviously Nothing serious could happen because we were so far away, but at a little over

or almost at my one year mark, I don’t think I had hit a month yet, a year yet. You know, I decided that it felt right for me to pursue a serious relationship. And when I told him that, he wasn’t ready. And that was fine, so I left. Or you know, I like ended things with him. And that was where I first learned the lesson, don’t chase.

and don’t stay waiting around for people who aren’t ready for you. So I always tell that to folks and clients I work with. We, no need, someone who is ready and willing will appear when they’re meant to. So I let him go. But then I had to start, I was like, okay, I want a relationship. I’m feeling good, I’m feeling healthier, I’m feeling like I have a better sense of what I want. I do believe I can love again, et cetera. So I created online profiles.

And I remember one of the very first people I connected with, everything seemed great until I told him my story. And when I told him my story, he was just like, no, that his mom was an alcoholic and he didn’t, he wanted nothing to do with me and he blocked me. I remember I felt so hurt, like so hurt and I cried and I was just like, oh my gosh.

I’m never going to find anybody, like how could I, like how am I going to recover from this? Like I’ve got like a scarlet letter on me, that’s what it felt like. And so I paused for a little bit with dating and did some work on that mindset. And you know, I came to the realization, right, like that other people are allowed to have their preferences. And the same way that other people can have their preferences, so can we.

Because at the end of the day, yes, being in recovery can be a possible turnoff to some people, but it’s not going to be a turnoff to the right person. And everybody’s recovering from something. So just because someone doesn’t have a substance use problem doesn’t mean that they’re automatically this supposed healthy person. So I want you to keep that in mind if you are a person in recovery listening to this, that I really want you to think of being in recovery not as a liability.

but rather as an asset. Because is it humanly possible for us to relapse? Yes, I personally have seen someone relapse and someone pass away as a result of a relapse. So I know how bad a relapse can go. I’m fully aware of that as I say this to you. However, for someone who is really strong in whatever program of recovery they’re practicing, they’re actively involved in their community or with their therapist or their coach or whatever, their church community, whatever keeps you sober.

If you are firm in that, you’re good, as long as you keep doing the work, right? So with that being said, you are a complete asset because to go from the depths of addiction to be freed from a chemical dependency and be like functional and in this society as a human being who contributes regularly to it, that’s huge. So I want you to welcome that thought into your life. Like if you’re sitting there thinking like, oh my gosh, no one’s ever gonna.

date me because I am dealing with addiction, recovery, like no, the right person is going to see your story and see all the value and the knowledge and experience that you carry with you for that. So I want to remind you of that. So with that being said, I want to kind of talk a little bit about that, about mindset with dating, right? So as I already said, being in recovery is not a liability. It is absolutely an asset if you feel firm in it.

If you feel shaky in your own recovery, maybe that’s a sign that you have some work to do. But if you’re feeling strong about your journey, then I want you to embrace it and move forward with it. I also want to encourage you to not settle just because you are in recovery. Because like I said, being in recovery doesn’t make you any less than or better than the person next to you on that date. So it’s so important to understand that.

Recovery does not suddenly give you this excuse to lower your standards because you’re feeling insecure. It absolutely does not. The next thing that I want you to think about also is paying really close attention to your body and trusting yourself when your instincts are telling you something is wrong with the person that you’re seeing. Because again, I think a lot of us are recovering from substance use disorders, whether it’s alcohol or other.

substances, right? We tend to feel really low about ourselves. We think we deserve less than. We think that we’re lucky to be alive and we should just be grateful for whatever human just graces us with their presence. No. Like, let me say that. No. You absolutely deserve to have the standards that you want to hold. You absolutely deserve to have whatever standards it is that you want to hold, right? Like you shouldn’t be…

dealing with someone who feels questionable to you if your body is telling you not to. You’ve got to trust and listen to yourself, okay? I don’t regret anybody who, within the first time that they showed me their true colors, I did not sit there and be like, oh, well, let me make some excuses for them. No, I just said, you know what? This person does not feel good for me, so I’m going to let them go. And I let them go.

and I let them go knowing that like this universe or whatever you wanna call it, there’s eight billion people on this planet. And I knew that if I let one go, there would without a doubt be another person. You have to remember that. If you don’t wanna be all woo and all spiritual, then be a mathematician and do the math. There’s eight billion people on this planet. There’s gotta be at least one person that you can get with. Think about it that way. So in terms of like moving forward and what to do,

Really I encourage you to try different things and see what sticks with you and what doesn’t, right? So like, if you’re doing online dating, maybe for a while, put that you’re sober on your profile and see who you connect with and see how that feels. Or don’t put anything about drinking on your profile and maybe when it’s time to actually meet up, suggest having coffee, suggest going for a walk, suggest going for tea. Or if you decide to meet up at a bar, right?

give them the heads up in advance like, hey, just so you know, I’m gonna be having mocktails, I’m not drinking tonight, or however you wanna frame it. Or just be bold, go crazy, and tell somebody that you’re in recovery and see how they respond to that. Why not? This is literally like a whole experiment, like our lives. Like our lives are like science experiments and we get to try things out.

see the results. If we like the results, we keep doing what we’ve tried. If we don’t like the results, we try something different. And literally, regardless of how you do it, you are, you’re never going to get like a letter from the universe telling you that you did it right, right? So like, you might as well just go try different things and your body and your instincts are going to tell you if you’re doing something that feels right for you or if it doesn’t feel right for you. And eventually you’ll navigate and find what you’re looking for. So really, I don’t, you know,

It’s like, I wish I could have told you, oh, you listen to this podcast episode and I tell you something really specific or like a perfect trick to dating. I don’t have that. It took me almost two years of dating before I met my current partner and it’s all good. I’m grateful for it. I learned a lot from the different people who I went out on dates with and got to know. I’m grateful for all of them because they all taught me something. So with that being said, I wish you all the happy experimenting.

Safe experimenting as you get to know folks. And again, trust yourself. I know you’ve been told for a long time not to trust yourself if you’re someone in recovery because your best decisions got you your addiction. Sure, that’s true, but your best decisions also got you sober and you’re sober, right? So trust yourself. You know exactly what you need. It’s just a matter of trying things out and seeing what sticks and feels right with you. Thanks and I’ll see you in the next one.

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