In this episode:
Link to Spotify.
September is National Recovery Month. I always tell the story of meeting and falling in love with Ian so that his story lives on through me. Ian isn’t here anymore, but every person I have touched by sharing my story is someone he has touched, too. He always wanted to help others, but his life ended on April 28, 2020, due to an overdose from using again after being sober. I’ll continue telling his story as part of mine, and this recovery month will be no different. I’ll continue to share his story and lessons learned from this experience for anyone considering dating while in early recovery.
Content Warning – drug use and death
Resources:
More About Ian
Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Writing Classes, and Workshops
Transcript:
Jessica Dueñas (00:01.218)
Hey everyone. So today is an interesting recording day. I am pretty much in the dark. I have this, so the past two weeks have been pretty wild. I moved in all the residents and so the residence hall that I run. Then within the last day of the residents moving in, we turned around and had to evacuate. We had 24 hours to evacuate because a hurricane hit. As soon as we got the clear to return,
something went crazily wrong with my eye. And though it’s being treated and it’s getting better, I have like extreme light sensitivity. And so I figured, well, I can at least record a podcast episode because I can sit in the dark and just talk. So here I am sitting in the dark and just talking. And for today’s episode, what I wanted to do, September 1st marks the beginning of recovery month. And recovery month can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people.
But for me, I believe it’s really important to recognize the stories, right, of those of us who have struggled with addiction, those of us who we love who struggle with addiction, and also those who we’ve loved and lost as a result of addiction. And so I posted on my Instagram yesterday for September 1st, just like a slideshow of a photo of Ian Carey, who was my partner who passed away as a result of his addiction.
You know, in that post I shared that I’m always going to tell his story, even though he’s no longer with us, right, that a huge part of my recovery has to do with him, right? Like he was almost like that major figure that set off this journey for me. And so I wanted to take an episode and just talk about him. Tell his story. Tell of my experience with him. Right.
a couple of things I’ll recognize. I only knew him through my eyes and my experience with him. And I know that for different people, he, he was a lot of different things. And I’ve come to learn that over the years that he meant a lot of different things to a lot of different people. And for a lot of folks, it wasn’t always good, but you know what? That’s not my story. And I get to tell my story of him. So, and I have a podcast so I can say whatever I want. Right.
Jessica Dueñas (02:26.318)
Content warning for this episode, right? You already know I mentioned that I’m gonna talk about someone who has passed away. I am going to talk about potentially drug abuse. I didn’t write this in advance, so I’m just speaking from the heart, but I may talk about very graphic and tragic images. So if you don’t wanna listen, this is a great opportunity to go ahead and jump off. But otherwise, I thank you for joining me on the ride as I tell my part of Ian’s story.
in honor of Recovery Month and those that we have loved and lost due to addiction.
So I met Ian during the holiday season of 2019 going into 2020. I want to say that I met him on January 1st, but honestly I was drunk and I don’t remember exactly when I landed in rehab, but I’m pretty sure that was when it was. So let’s say for approximation purposes that I met him on January 1st of 2020. And at this time I had started to try to get sober in September of 2019.
I had gotten a diagnosis of alcoholic liver disease during the summer of 2019. And in September, I had secretly gone to rehab for the first time and nobody knew. I just lied and said I had the flu and I was going to be out of commission for like five days. But really what I was doing, I was detoxing in secret so that I could detox safely and go back to work. Nobody knew that I had gone through this. And at the time I was, I was attending AA meetings. I was participating in 12 step programs. I had a sponsor.
But I relapsed. I was still not authentically embracing the fact that I was someone struggling with addiction. I wanted to keep that part hidden of me. So I was still showing up at work as like little miss perfect teacher, but then also trying to manage like the addiction, the cravings, the wanting to drink, et cetera, in secret. So I hadn’t disclosed to my family, I hadn’t disclosed to anybody who cared about me.
Jessica Dueñas (04:27.106)
that I was carrying this huge, huge secret. So when the holiday season came, I was, you know, my schedule was thrown off, my routine was thrown off. I didn’t have my students around me, which I really feel like that helped center me when I was trying to not drink in secret, right? Cause it was summer, I mean, it was winter break. So the lack of routine was just made it, made me a ticking time bomb to start drinking again. So during that holiday season of 2019, I started to drink again and
One thing that I found in my experience when I have gone through not drinking for some time after drinking how I used to drink, that crash is a really hard crash, right? So it’s not like I wasn’t trying to moderate decently and be like, well, I’m just gonna have one drink. When I picked up drinking over that holiday season, I drank fast and hard. And so I landed in the, I wanna say,
my memory, right? It’s crazy. This is how tough our memories can be. But basically I had called a friend for help who took me to my apartment and I did one last hurrah of drinking before going into treatment. And so I drank a whole bunch of alcohol. I called an Uber to take me to this treatment facility. So I barely remember getting to the treatment facility, but I was definitely heavily under the influence as I was checking in.
And like I said, let’s approximate that this was January 1st. So while I’m doing my intake, I’m sitting at this desk, and this desk is like across from the common area where the patients who are already in the treatment facility are like watching TV. It’s like a common area. And I remember I’m filling out this paperwork about myself, and they’re getting ready to explain how they’re going to take off my bra and do a body check. They have to check that your skin isn’t bruised and scab before you go in, because obviously they want to make sure that.
if there’s any allegations of any abuse, right, that they have put eyes on you when you walked in, because you should be walking out with no bruises either when you come into facilities. So before we do like the body check, I’m just filling out this paperwork, and I look up and I see this group of people watching TV, and there’s one man that I saw who was really handsome. And I remember I saw him, and he kind of like looked up at me, and I remember thinking,
Jessica Dueñas (06:49.834)
Whoa, he looks good. I need to stay away from him. I will never forget that. That was my first thought when I saw this man. Later on, of course, his name was Ian. So anyway, I remember seeing him. He was beautiful. And then I finished the intake process and I was admitted finally as a patient, you know, later that day. And for the first few days that I was in that facility, you know, this is over the holiday break. So I’m not, you know, nobody’s missing me at school because there is no school.
Finally had a sense of where I was and what was going on. I know my sister knew, but again, I was just kind of like in this cocoon of a treatment facility. Treatment facilities can be great cocoons. You don’t have to do with anybody on the outside unless you want to. And you know, every time we have like a group meeting or there’s like an AA meeting that comes in to happen, I purposely sit away from him because again, I already felt my body react to him when I first saw him. And I was like, I don’t want to be right next to this guy who is very, very attractive.
And, but lo and behold, after I think the second or third day, we’re in that common area that I was referencing in the beginning. And we’re watching TV and he, he approaches me and he’s like, Hey, he’s like, um, where are you from? I noticed you don’t have an accent because obviously I don’t have a Kentucky accent. And I’m like, Oh, I’m, I’m from New York. And he’s like, Oh, what were you doing there? You know, or like, how long ago did you come here? Something like that. And I told him that I thought had gotten there, you know, X amount of years.
before then. And he was like, so what did you do? Were you a model in New York? And of course that was flattering, but it worked. It was very flattering. And I was like, Oh, stop it. You know, and I giggled. Um, but he successfully broke the ice. And so I started talking to him, right? And so we would just exchange stories. And every time that we weren’t in a structured activity, we just naturally gravitated towards each other. And he, he was funny.
really easy to talk to. He had shared that he was in the treatment facility after having had a relapse on heroin over the holidays himself. And that he had almost lost his life. He also had PTSD, he was an army veteran. And so he had a really bad episode and he turned to the substance to cope with it. And so, I remember thinking that, wow, that’s a really dangerous substance. Obviously alcohol is incredibly dangerous too, right? And-
Jessica Dueñas (09:17.878)
I’m saying this now knowing and understanding that alcohol kills way more people than opiates do. But of course, at the time in 2019, 2020, when this was happening, I didn’t know anything. I was just thinking, wow, you use heroin. That’s really scary. Right? So that was the thought that I had in my head. But even though I had that thought, I was like, but here I see a really kind human with a beautiful sense of humor and a really big heart. And that’s what I focused on. I didn’t focus on.
his addiction and what he was struggling with. So anyway, when it was time for discharge, I actually got discharged first because I charmed them into being like, I’m a school teacher, I need to be able to start school again. I’m feeling better now, I know what to do, thanks. And so I did get discharged earlier. And I remember thinking, I want to stay in touch with this guy. So I wrote my phone number down on a piece of paper and I was like,
I’m just gonna give it to him as I’m walking out the door so that if he rejects it, I don’t even have to know. I could easily never hear from this person again and that’s totally fine. And that’s how I thought. I was like, I’m gonna shoot my shot walking out the door and if he doesn’t respond, then it’s all good. And if he does respond, okay. So I left and that’s what I did. I found him, I had like my bags packed to leave and I was like, hey, Ian, if you wanna keep in touch, here’s my number. And I just put it in his hand.
And I said, bye. And I remember he looked at my number and looked right at me and smiled. And he was like, yeah, I’ll talk to you later. And of course, I’m like, whatever, he’s not gonna reach out, please. So it was about a day or two later. And yeah, it’s nighttime and I’m doing okay, right? Like I’m just back to my little secret routine of going to AA meetings and being hidden, being anonymous and then showing up to work and checking with my sister who knew what was going on.
And I open up my phone and I get a message. Well, not open, but turn on my phone. And there’s a text message from an unknown number. And when I click on it, it’s like, hey, something along the lines of, hey, it’s Ian. I just got out of treatment. I wanted to check in. How are you doing? And I’m not going to lie, when I saw that text message, I mean, even retelling the story, it’s like I feel the butterflies in my stomach, even as I’m telling this story. But I remember, I felt butterflies in my stomach and I giggled internally.
Jessica Dueñas (11:42.702)
I was like, oh my gosh, he actually reached out, right? So we just chit chat back and forth and we agreed to like go to some meetings together. And it was funny because I thought he was gonna flake, I just didn’t believe that he would actually show up. But I remember like I had gone to work that the following day and I went to work looking all just really disheveled kind of like again.
I was on the struggle bus. I had to go to a faculty meeting, and when they asked us how our winter break was, I broke down crying in this faculty meeting because I didn’t wanna share that I was in rehab. And so I was just like, it was a really hard break, and I started crying and crying. I felt so isolated. So showing up to work, I didn’t feel good. I only felt good in front of my students because their joy and their innocence and kid antics just make my day, but…
dealing with everyone else, I felt very unseen. And so I barely put any effort into my appearance and I was just showing up, but we had texted and we agreed to like meet up at a meeting after work. So when he told me that, I was like, holy crap, I gotta look cute. And so my ridiculous self, like I ran over to Target after dismissal, I got like some new clothes.
got some eyeliner, I love eyeliner, so I put on eyeliner and I like brushed my hair a little bit, you know, enough to feel to feel good about myself, so to speak. And I, we agreed to go to this meeting. So funny story, when I attended AA, I only really liked going to women’s meetings or LGBTQ meetings, primarily for the reason that I felt safe and I didn’t feel like straight men would prey on me. And so
I was like, I hope you don’t mind. I know you’re a straight guy, but I want to go to a pride meeting. And he was like, no, I’m good. Like that, I’m totally comfortable with it. So I got to that meeting first and I went to the church basement and I sat down and I recognized a few people and I was like catching up with them. And I was like, oh my gosh, yeah, I was in treatment over the holidays. It was a mess, but I’m here, you know, just like having this side conversation. And one of them, and I had like purposely saved the seat next to me. And then one of them was like, oh, who are you saving that seat for? And I was like, oh, I have a friend that I met in.
Jessica Dueñas (14:00.354)
treatment, he’s going to come to this meeting too. And I remember, you know, he texted that he was pulling up. So I have my eye on the door for this meeting and he walks in. And I remember it was literally like that same butterfly feeling like when I first saw him, but I was drunk. So the feelings were muted. This time I was sober and I saw him walk in and then, you know, he wasn’t in like his treatment clothes. So he was like dressed nicely.
He had Cologne. And again, I literally felt like my heart completely like explode into like a bunch of like a million little pieces in a good way. Right? Like if my heart would explode into little butterflies that just suddenly like flew all over the place, that was how it felt when I saw him walk in. So he walks in and yeah, like his face totally lights up when he sees me and he comes and he sits next to me. And he had actually brought a friend of his too, which was really nice, you know, to meet another friend of his.
So anyway, so we go through the meeting, et cetera. Everyone shares, great meeting. And then if you haven’t been to 12-step meetings, it’s not necessarily a routine or a rule in every meeting, but a lot of meeting spaces do kind of like a circle where you have the option to hold hands at the end of the meeting and maybe do something like a serenity prayer or an our father prayer, some version of a prayer. So we circle up and he took his hand in my hand. And I remember just feeling like…
the thickness of his palms, right? I remember that feeling and I was like, wow, he’s got big hands, you know? Again, just the flutters and the butterflies, just feeling that sensation. And you know, I have big hands. Like if you don’t know me in person, I’m five foot nine, I’m over 200 pounds. Like I am not a delicate butterfly. And I can palm a basketball myself. So when you take your hand or you take my hand in your hand and I can feel how big your hand is, it makes an impression on me.
because again, I’m used to taking up space. So it was a really nice feeling to just have that moment of just holding hands and being in prayer. And you know, of course, like, again, there’s like that suspended excitement, like, oh, I wonder, will he invite me to do something after this meeting? And yeah, like he asked me to join him and his friend for dinner. And so we went to eat at a local restaurant. And again, it felt…
Jessica Dueñas (16:22.958)
good being in that space with him and having conversation and meeting a friend of his and just talking to him and everything just felt really, really good. And I was really excited to get to see him again. And so, you know, he invited me out like on dates. And I remember I was scared to tell my sponsor at the time because especially, I mean, it’s good practice. So I will say this.
You hear it commonly in 12 step spaces, but it is good practice to not date in your first year of sobriety. Because if you have just been struggling with major addiction issues, right? Like romance is absolutely going to distract you. But, you know, some sponsors can be very specific. And you know, with sponsorship, it’s almost more like asking for permission, right? So versus say coaching where I’ll let you, I’m…
I don’t let you or not let you do anything as your coach, right? A sponsor can sort of have more of a clear directive, like you do this, you don’t do this. And so I was avoiding telling my sponsor that I had met somebody because I didn’t want it to be known. I didn’t want to get in trouble. I didn’t want my sponsor to drop me. I did respect her very much. She had been sober for like longer than I had been alive. And I thought she’s like this amazing human being. So I was really scared to tell her.
So, you know, I mentioned it casually like, oh, there’s someone I met in treatment and he’s been really nice. And she’s like, well, you’re fine to like go out on dates and things like that. She’s like, but you don’t need to be in a relationship right now. She’s like, you struggled a lot and you’ve already had a relapse. Like you don’t need to date and be in a relationship. And I was like, okay, sure. Yay. I took that and ran with it. Um, you know, cause I was like, I’m not listening to you.
You know and at the end of the day right experience is gonna be the best teacher and some of us survive what experience teaches us And some of us don’t live through what experience teaches us unfortunately But experience is still gonna be a hell of a strong teacher So anyway, um, basically the same thing happened with him and his sponsor You know, he mentioned me to his sponsor and his sponsor told him bad idea, right? So we both did have people in recovery who had lots of life experience
Jessica Dueñas (18:41.438)
in sobriety, advise us against this relationship. And we both made the decision to say F that and continue moving forward. And at the end of the day, you know, I’ve come to see that in coaching. Again, I don’t tell clients what to do, but when we have these conversations, we definitely talk about what are all the possible outcomes that can happen and how do you feel about these outcomes possibly happening. And I remember having this conversation in my head years ago.
when I met him because I remember thinking his drug of choice is opiates. If he were, he almost died already. And I mean, I had almost died too, right? Again, alcohol is deadly, but there’s something about the Russian roulette nature of buying street drugs where you don’t know what something has been laced with, right? I know exactly what I’m getting when I’ve gone to the liquor store every time I’ve had a relapse. Again.
not recommending it, but what I am saying is that there’s a lot less guesswork in terms of what you’re getting that has been regulated by the government versus something you’re buying off the street. And so when I was thinking, wow, what if he relapses? I remember having a conversation with a mutual friend of ours. She went to treatment with us too. And I was saying, I was like, gosh, if he were to relapse, he might not make it. I was aware of that.
Right? I knew the truth. I knew that, hey, if I could relapse and he’s already relapsed, like, you know, having these slips is absolutely possible. And what are the possible outcomes of drinking again? What are the possible outcomes of using again? I fully was aware that death was a part of it, but when I thought about that possible outcome, I chose to lean on the hope that he wouldn’t.
I chose to lean on the hope of, I’ve seen countless people recover and live long lives, right, without ever turning to drugs or alcohol. Alcohol is a drug. But I chose to lean on hope because, again, I knew his story, but I also saw in front of me a kind, loving, charming, dedicated human. And I chose to lean on that more.
Jessica Dueñas (21:04.918)
And did that decision end up hurting me in the end? Of course it did. Of course it did. And that’s okay. Right. So anyway, once our sponsors had been like, don’t do it. And we still went ahead and kept dating. We just, we try to be subtle. So, you know, we weren’t necessarily like out in the open all the time with others, but you know, we would go to dinner, we go to walks in the park. But then
And you know, life happened and the pandemic came, right? And I remember hearing about COVID-19 or the coronavirus and, you know, we’d watch the news and we would hear about it starting to spread in different states. And we would hear about other states like starting to close things down, etc. But we hadn’t had any cases of it in Kentucky. And then there was one day that I went to happy hour with my teacher coworkers and I wasn’t drinking.
I would always just have like soda, but you know, they were having their drinks. And we saw like on our phones, like the first reported case of COVID-19 was in Kentucky and we knew we were like, Oh, it’s just a matter of time before things shut down here. So I remember talking to Ian and I was like, what do we do? Right. Um, I had just, I lived actually about a mile away from him. Um, I had a house and he had an apartment.
really nice building. And, you know, I was like, should you come to my place? Should I go to your place? You know, we like, we didn’t want to face the pandemic alone, because we knew that once things shut down, the social, the social isolation was going to be real. And we didn’t think it would be a good idea to be alone, right? And I frankly, I mean, I was rapidly falling in love. I didn’t want to be alone. So we
decided to go ahead and he moved into my space. And so he was in my house and it was great, right? Like schools did eventually close and we had a lot of fun like in the daytime, he was a full-time student, he was getting his degree in social work so that he could, his life goal was to become a social worker, to help young kids who had incarcerated parents because that was his story, that was his history. And he wanted to turn around and help kids who were like him.
Jessica Dueñas (23:31.446)
so that they wouldn’t walk down the same path of like eventually turning to drugs, right? Again, he had been an army veteran. He had gone through several tours and been injured and he had been prescribed pain medications, which he later became addicted to. And then he had turned to street drugs to kind of give you some context about his story. So anyway, so he was in school, I was teaching and everything shut down. And for a little bit, it was…
of fun and it was kind of exciting. Again, there’s this brand new person in my life who has a really scary past that treated me beautifully and was kind and loving. And I got to always be around him, right? And he made me feel very special. I felt amazing around him, right? And so things were good up until we also
realized that we lost our support. Right, so we were attending in-person 12-step meetings and at that time I didn’t realize that there were things like online meetings and that online support groups were being created, I didn’t know that. And so when the local spaces closed, when the churches closed their basements and we had nowhere to go, that was it, right? And when you take away people in early recoveries support systems,
and the world is literally kind of falling apart around them, it’s almost a matter of time before somebody ends up relapsing and unfortunately, it was him. So when he first used ironically, I had this like little anonymous like Twitter account like to talk about recovery.
and this NPR reporter had found me. And so I interviewed with her that day and under like my pseudonym, it was Bottomless Betty, something like that. Or yeah, I forget what it was called, Bottomless Brown Betty, something like that. And I talked to her about, well, like how I was staying sober with my boyfriend that I had just gotten my dog, Cruz was a puppy at that time. And we’d go to the park, we’d get outside, we’d go walk.
Jessica Dueñas (25:47.586)
We’d order food or we’d cook and just spent a lot of time together and we would read like sober materials together at that time. It was like the big book and you know, 12 steps and 12 traditions, you know, kind of like reading and studying together. And I was saying, yeah, like things are going really great. You know, we’re leaning on each other. And then we got off that interview and it was like I was waiting for Ian to come home and he didn’t come home.
So I go to his apartment, so I’m like, well, I can’t find him. He’s gotta be in his apartment. So I go over there and I bang on the door. I hear the phone ring and he answers the door and he’s visibly high. And I remember he looked so broken and he was so sad. The other weird thing too, his voice was so different and I didn’t realize that opiates could change your voice.
but his voice was really deep and like grumbly. Like I almost didn’t recognize his voice through the door and I thought someone else was in there with him and no, it was him. His voice just sounded different. And he cried and he cried and I brought him back home and I was like, let’s get you back into treatment because this is not okay, right? Like you can’t start using again, right? I was like, this stuff almost killed you last time. And he was like, no.
I’m okay, let me talk to my sponsor, let me get back on top of my routine. I’ve got this. And I trusted him. And I was like, okay, everybody can stumble, right? But we can get back on track. And so he did get back on track for probably about, I don’t know, maybe a week. The time, I’ll never remember exactly.
And you know, and like he said, please don’t tell anybody, please, please. You know, I’m so ashamed and I get that. I understood that feeling of feeling ashamed. And so, you know, I didn’t, I know he had talked to his sponsor. And so we, we continued in this little bubble, but the bubble didn’t feel safe anymore. I was hopeful that he was okay, but just certain things about his behavior started seeming different, right? He didn’t sleep well anymore.
Jessica Dueñas (28:08.034)
He was struggling and I was like, hey, are you sure you don’t need anything? Do we need to get you some additional supports? He was like, no, I’m good, I’m good, right? I remember other things that we had talked about in this time was the idea of getting married. We started to make a plan for that. We made plans for pregnancy.
There are so many things that developed in this short time period because we were spending so much time together, right? Like we were just always, always together because of quarantine. So anyway, there’s another, let’s say a week or two passed, I don’t remember exactly. And the same issue happened. He didn’t come back when he said he would. And he was incredibly communicative. So…
As soon as he didn’t come back, I figured something had happened, right? I was like, he must have gone and used. So I went, I found him in his apartment yet again. And, um, this time there had been, um, he had gotten hit in the head, you know, and I still to this day don’t know exactly what happened. Um, but he looked visibly hurt and, you know, I brought him back home again. And this time he didn’t want me to tell anybody. Um, but I did. I told.
his mom, and I also told his sponsor, I was like, hey, he’s, he’s using, right. And I was kind of like, I don’t know what to do. I’ve never dealt with someone who used before. And so I know like, his family had told me, you know, hide your things, get, you know, put your stuff away, you know, he’s, he’s on another level right now. And you need to protect yourself and protect your things.
And basically his sponsor said the same thing. Like you like if he’s if he’s officially like in that mode, you’ve got to protect yourself. And so, yeah, I remember like I hit a couple of things that were of value to me. But I didn’t want to kick him out. And so I sat him down and I was like, hey, we’ve got to talk. And I was like, you have to go to treatment. I was like, this is not going to end well.
Jessica Dueñas (30:27.154)
And he was like, no, I’ve got to finish. I’ve got some assignments to finish for the semester. Because we were getting to the end of April and he was like, the semester is almost over. I need to finish some assignments. I have to turn them in. I’ll go to treatment after I get this stuff done. And me being like a workaholic, I was like, okay. Because there were so many times that I needed to get something done and I got it done even though I was like.
under the influence, right? Like a paper that was due, a project that was due, whatever. Like I could get things done. So I remember him sitting there and once like the high faded, he turned in several papers, a project, like he got so much stuff done for school. And I was like, okay, now let’s go to treatment. And he was like, no, like, like I can’t basically was kind of like his response.
And so I was like, well, if that’s going to be the case, like, you’re going to have to go. I was like, because I’m trying to not drink, but this is Gary. You know, I was like, this is Gary and I don’t know that I can handle this. And he was like, that’s fair. He’s like, let me run to the store of the garage, the gas station. I’ll be right back. And then like, let’s talk. Right. And so that was on April 28th. And I was teaching that day.
And so anyway, so he left and you know, I was teaching virtually because schools were closed to in person classes. So I’m, you know, teaching and then again, he didn’t come back and I was like, oh my goodness, like, where is he? And so I called him. He didn’t answer. I sent him text messages. He didn’t answer and I felt really bad. Like I was like, this can’t be good. And so I go drive over to his apartment.
I see his car outside the building, so I go in and I knock on the door. No one’s answering. I call his phone. I hear it ringing. But this time I don’t hear anything coming from inside his apartment. Every time I showed up in the past, if he was high, I would hear him fumbling around inside. This time I heard nothing. And so I got really scared and I grab the fire extinguisher and I bang against the door.
Jessica Dueñas (32:48.882)
um and a neighbor slash person who has key access to all the apartments comes out and he’s like whoa what are you doing and i was like ian is in there we need to get inside his apartment and he’s like you can’t be banging against the door and i was like i’m telling you there’s something really wrong he’s in there and he’s sick so anyway so he decides to call 911 which honestly it had to
Jessica Dueñas (33:18.198)
you know, he’s like, yeah, there’s this tall black woman banging on the door. And I was like, oh, great. That that’s going to help. Right. And, you know, this was shortly after Brianna Taylor had been killed in Louisville. This was April 20, 20. Brown Taylor had been killed in March, 2020. So I was like, this helps. So anyway, when the police came, I’m like immediately like hysterical. I’m like, he’s in there. There’s something wrong.
I remember they like grab me and like put my hands behind my back and put me against the wall. And, you know, it’s hard. I always say this. It’s hard to remember exactly the order in which things happen because of the fact that like this is such a traumatic memory that, you know, when you read any text that talk about traumatic memories, piecing them together fluidly can get hard. So what I do remember is they are opening the door. I think the guy must have given them the key. They open the door.
And it’s probably a matter of moments and they say there’s a dead male inside. And obviously it was him, right? And so as soon as they say that, I think like I yelled or screamed and just fell to the floor in hysterics. Then I had to, you know, they were like, where’s his next of kin? So I called his mother. And I had to tell a woman that her son was no longer here.
It was awful. And so, you know, she lived about 30 minutes away. So she came eventually and, you know, they wouldn’t let us in. We couldn’t go in and see him until the coroner had kind of come in and I guess done their thing with the apartment. So once we are allowed in, yeah, I see him there and he is just blue. He looked blue and I looked out like into the bathroom and you can see like paint.
I mean, not paint. It was like paint, but it was blood, like on the walls, right? Because he was shooting up intravenously. So obviously, like, you know, blood spattered out. It was against the wall, and you could see the belt on the floor, you know, kind of like the paraphernalia of the drug usage. And yeah, his apartment had been like ransacked, like terrible, you know? And yeah, that was, that was…
Jessica Dueñas (35:47.578)
it. So the coroner, they took him away. And after that, I went straight to the liquor store, got a bottle and started drinking. And you know, after that, that was eight months for me of like nonstop drinking, nonstop spiraling, which was, you know, definitely very hard, very, very hard. So that was my experience with Ian. And
It almost broke me, right? But there are a couple of things that I think are important to share about his story. By 2021, in early sobriety, I started Bottomless to Sober as a blog to tell stories of people struggling with addiction. And I dedicated it to him. I have a page on the site.
where I kind of write out his story and I have a video clip of him interviewing with the news because he spoke with the media back in like 2017 to share about his story of like working to overcome his addiction and kind of like how it started being the military, etc. And obviously like now Bottomless is Sober has become like now it’s a podcast, you know, now I
Jessica Dueñas (37:15.306)
would have been possible if he hadn’t come into my life. And I don’t believe in the whole, oh, everything happened for a reason. And I don’t like to create positivity out of tragedy because everything was tragic and probably preventable, right? But it wasn’t prevented. His death wasn’t prevented and his death did happen. What did happen as a result was my complete spiral afterward.
you know, because I had been handed plenty of disappointments in love before. You know, I, I was previously married and we got divorced after having been together for seven years. You know, I thought I was going to have kids with this person that I was married to and then life didn’t work out that way. I was with someone after him. Um, I was falling for him. And then after a year, it turned out that he had been cheating the entire time with like someone else, you know, so with Ian, I met him and I felt.
so much hope renewed, right? Like with Ian, I was like, huh, maybe I will have kids, huh? Maybe I will get married, right? Like I finally, like the maybes all started coming back and then he died so suddenly and so tragically that for a time I thought those maybes weren’t possible anymore. Also my drinking after he died, I lost the ability to manage my career.
and my drinking. When he was alive, before his death, I was drinking to the point where I got alcoholic liver disease, right? So I was drinking hard and heavy, but I was still a quote unquote functional drinker. And I think that functionality of my addiction would have killed me very quickly, right? Because I was already diagnosed with alcoholic liver disease. What happened to my drinking after his death, because I completely spiraled,
It basically moved things into high gear where if I didn’t do anything differently, I was guaranteed to die. And so it was either get it together or lose everything fast. I never would have been inspired to tell my story if I hadn’t been broken down the way that I had been because of his death. He modeled that by…
Jessica Dueñas (39:40.418)
publicly speaking about his addiction, right? He modeled that by helping people. He modeled that by working in a treatment facility himself. He was going to model that by getting into social work and helping young kids so that they knew of kind of like the risks and dangers of drug addiction, right? When he was in his social work program, his peers knew that was his story.
He did a lot of that modeling for me so that once I started to have the courage to speak up, I follow very similarly in those footsteps to where everywhere I go, people know that this is a part of my story. Right? I teach on a, I don’t teach but I like, I mean I’m in education, I work on a college campus now and the students that I work with, they know that this is a part of my story. Ian modeled that for me.
And so for recovery month, he’s not here anymore in terms of flesh and bones, right? Like he’s not literally here in the flesh anymore. But the big thing that I wanna emphasize is that his story is still here. And there’s still many things to be learned from Ian by me telling his story. And either you can learn things about him or me and take it.
as like guidelines like, okay, now I know what to do, what not to do if I meet someone in early recovery, right? Now I know what I stand to lose, right? If I start to date in early recovery, like for example, or you can also learn that the impact of telling a story can save lives. And maybe him telling his story wasn’t enough to save his life directly.
Jessica Dueñas (41:33.398)
When I meet people in Louisville who speak of him, I know that there’s lots of people walking on this earth today who are living and breathing and sober who were touched by him. And as a result, that story carries on. And his story, as long as I’m alive, his story is always gonna carry on through me. So with that being said, I do thank you all for listening to this, if you’re still hanging in there with me in this episode.
It has been the hardest heartbreak to come back from, but I have come back from it. I miss him dearly. I miss him every single day. I think about this person. I promise you that. The necklace that I wear, if you notice in my pictures, I usually have a necklace with a gold, a little gold heart. He gave that to me a few weeks before he passed away.
And my plan is to continue to wear it. You know, I’m always going to carry that little physical, mental, that reminder. Since his death, I have started dating again, right? Like I actually am in a really beautiful, healthy relationship now that is almost a year in. And we’ll see where this relationship goes. I pray that it, you know, gives me all the things that I’ve been wanting for, you know, been hoping for so long. But I don’t have.
I don’t have control over that. All I can do is put in the work and hope for the right outcomes, right? But I hope that the story also serves to tell you that you can experience the biggest of losses and the biggest of heartbreaks and you can crash and feel like you’re burning and like everything is over. And even then, it is absolutely possible to come back and it is still possible to recover.
And so I want to just to put a little bit of his voice into this. You can see this whole video on my website, but in 2017 when he was interviewed by local news media in Louisville, Kentucky, he shared this little message of hope, which again, even if he’s not here in the flesh, it’s still a message that we and I can continue to carry on. So listen to this. Out there, you look at him right now. What would you say to them?
Jessica Dueñas (43:54.822)
for the hopeless and I’m definitely hopeful today and there is a way out and don’t give up. So yeah, I mean just simply said there is a way out. Not everybody who struggles with addiction gets through this because this is hard, but you can do it. You don’t have to do it alone. You absolutely don’t have to do it alone. So with that I’m going to go practice some self-love.
I’m sending you all love for listening, and I’ll talk to you in the next episode.
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