Category: Podcast

In this episode:

Link to Spotify

I share about why we should stay sober even when the current events repeatedly show themselves are darker and grimmer. I offer an alternative to the thought, “The world has gone to hell, so why bother getting sober?”

Recommended Resources:

Why Bother Getting Sober When The World is Falling Apart, TikTok by Jessica Dueñas

Transcript:

Jessica Dueñas
Hey everyone. So today we’re gonna talk about basically how to survive, how to stay sober when it really feels like the world is going to shit. So quick story, I remember there was one time I was working with a client and something happened on a federal legal scale that was incredibly discouraging, which happens at this point all the time now. And her comment to me was, I don’t even.

see why I should bother getting sober when everything’s gone to hell anyway. And so if you’re listening to this and you feel that way, I hear you and I recognize that yes, things often do feel like they’ve gone to hell. However, I’m going to encourage you to still stay sober, to still try despite the world apparently falling apart.

The first point that I want to bring up, right, for any of you who might care about any kind of social activism, social supports, etc. for others, is that if you in any way expect to contribute to changing things or to helping to change things that are not directly in your control, I promise you that you in the throes of addiction are not going to be able to help anybody else. So that’s going to be like my first point, right?

You’ve got to be sober in order to help other people. If you are struggling with addiction, you’ve got to be sober in order to truly show up for yourself and for others. Now, when I was an educator, I was in the throes of addiction. And yes, I was helping a lot of other people. I was helping students. I was able to amass massive amounts of money to fundraise for the school that I worked at, et cetera. But you know who I wasn’t showing up for? For me. And the way that I was doing that, I would eventually have died an early death

and never seen the fruit of all the work that I was putting in. But if you’re sober, right, you can show up for any cause that you want to support and know that at least you are giving yourself the chance in your lifetime to see things through. But if you are not trying to fight your addiction, your addiction is eventually going to get you. So I want to bring that up as the first point. The other point that I want to point out

I know things seem really terrible now, but I promise you that throughout, like, humans’ existence, we have always gone through, the generations before us have always gone through unprecedented times, right? I personally speaking, as a descendant of people who were colonized, as a descendant of people who were enslaved, if my ancestors had said, well, fuck it, like, now I’m a slave, so why bother?

or if my ancestors had said, well damn, now the Spanish came in and took our lands, right? Why bother? If my ancestors had said those things, I wouldn’t be here. And so I encourage you, regardless of your own background, regardless of who your ancestors are, et cetera, I want you to understand that if you sit there and say, why bother, that you are robbing future you.

or not even you, if you, I’m not even saying that you’re gonna have children or not, but like you’re robbing like the future, the opportunity of what you can accomplish if you choose to stay here and fight for your recovery. And really, I don’t feel like I have a third point, and this is gonna be like a super short randomness of me just talking, but I just wanted to point those things out, that you matter, your recovery matters. You.

While you are still on this earth, you deserve, you owe it to yourself and to anybody who might be impacted by you to show up fully. And if you’re fighting addiction, that means getting help. And that’s all I’ve got.

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In this episode:

Link to Spotify

I talk about my experiences with dating and provide suggestions for managing navigating dating while in recovery. What I won’t do, is tell you to avoid dating in your first year.

Recommended Resources:

Dating While In Recovery Blog Piece by Jessica Dueñas

Upcoming Opportunities

Free Writing for Healing Workshop. July 8th. Register here.

Six-Week Writing for Healing Program. July 15th. Register here.

Summer Soul Mid-Year Check In: How Are We, Really? July 16th. Register here.

Free Support Group for Educators. August 3rd. Register here.

1:1 coaching is open. Schedule a free consultation here.

Transcript:

Jessica Dueñas:
Hey everyone, so today we’re going to talk about dating, which is always of course a hot topic in the recovery world. And first I’ll start by telling a little story, which I think is probably going to be how I model this podcast, always starting off with a little story. So when I first got sober, if you don’t know, I was single because I had been in a relationship with a boyfriend who passed away.

due to his own addiction. So I was totally like not looking at anybody for a while and then honestly early on in my recovery journey probably about like five six seven months sober I had a an interest but I lived in Tampa and he lived in Louisville, Kentucky and you know, obviously Nothing serious could happen because we were so far away, but at a little over

or almost at my one year mark, I don’t think I had hit a month yet, a year yet. You know, I decided that it felt right for me to pursue a serious relationship. And when I told him that, he wasn’t ready. And that was fine, so I left. Or you know, I like ended things with him. And that was where I first learned the lesson, don’t chase.

and don’t stay waiting around for people who aren’t ready for you. So I always tell that to folks and clients I work with. We, no need, someone who is ready and willing will appear when they’re meant to. So I let him go. But then I had to start, I was like, okay, I want a relationship. I’m feeling good, I’m feeling healthier, I’m feeling like I have a better sense of what I want. I do believe I can love again, et cetera. So I created online profiles.

And I remember one of the very first people I connected with, everything seemed great until I told him my story. And when I told him my story, he was just like, no, that his mom was an alcoholic and he didn’t, he wanted nothing to do with me and he blocked me. I remember I felt so hurt, like so hurt and I cried and I was just like, oh my gosh.

I’m never going to find anybody, like how could I, like how am I going to recover from this? Like I’ve got like a scarlet letter on me, that’s what it felt like. And so I paused for a little bit with dating and did some work on that mindset. And you know, I came to the realization, right, like that other people are allowed to have their preferences. And the same way that other people can have their preferences, so can we.

Because at the end of the day, yes, being in recovery can be a possible turnoff to some people, but it’s not going to be a turnoff to the right person. And everybody’s recovering from something. So just because someone doesn’t have a substance use problem doesn’t mean that they’re automatically this supposed healthy person. So I want you to keep that in mind if you are a person in recovery listening to this, that I really want you to think of being in recovery not as a liability.

but rather as an asset. Because is it humanly possible for us to relapse? Yes, I personally have seen someone relapse and someone pass away as a result of a relapse. So I know how bad a relapse can go. I’m fully aware of that as I say this to you. However, for someone who is really strong in whatever program of recovery they’re practicing, they’re actively involved in their community or with their therapist or their coach or whatever, their church community, whatever keeps you sober.

If you are firm in that, you’re good, as long as you keep doing the work, right? So with that being said, you are a complete asset because to go from the depths of addiction to be freed from a chemical dependency and be like functional and in this society as a human being who contributes regularly to it, that’s huge. So I want you to welcome that thought into your life. Like if you’re sitting there thinking like, oh my gosh, no one’s ever gonna.

date me because I am dealing with addiction, recovery, like no, the right person is going to see your story and see all the value and the knowledge and experience that you carry with you for that. So I want to remind you of that. So with that being said, I want to kind of talk a little bit about that, about mindset with dating, right? So as I already said, being in recovery is not a liability. It is absolutely an asset if you feel firm in it.

If you feel shaky in your own recovery, maybe that’s a sign that you have some work to do. But if you’re feeling strong about your journey, then I want you to embrace it and move forward with it. I also want to encourage you to not settle just because you are in recovery. Because like I said, being in recovery doesn’t make you any less than or better than the person next to you on that date. So it’s so important to understand that.

Recovery does not suddenly give you this excuse to lower your standards because you’re feeling insecure. It absolutely does not. The next thing that I want you to think about also is paying really close attention to your body and trusting yourself when your instincts are telling you something is wrong with the person that you’re seeing. Because again, I think a lot of us are recovering from substance use disorders, whether it’s alcohol or other.

substances, right? We tend to feel really low about ourselves. We think we deserve less than. We think that we’re lucky to be alive and we should just be grateful for whatever human just graces us with their presence. No. Like, let me say that. No. You absolutely deserve to have the standards that you want to hold. You absolutely deserve to have whatever standards it is that you want to hold, right? Like you shouldn’t be…

dealing with someone who feels questionable to you if your body is telling you not to. You’ve got to trust and listen to yourself, okay? I don’t regret anybody who, within the first time that they showed me their true colors, I did not sit there and be like, oh, well, let me make some excuses for them. No, I just said, you know what? This person does not feel good for me, so I’m going to let them go. And I let them go.

and I let them go knowing that like this universe or whatever you wanna call it, there’s eight billion people on this planet. And I knew that if I let one go, there would without a doubt be another person. You have to remember that. If you don’t wanna be all woo and all spiritual, then be a mathematician and do the math. There’s eight billion people on this planet. There’s gotta be at least one person that you can get with. Think about it that way. So in terms of like moving forward and what to do,

Really I encourage you to try different things and see what sticks with you and what doesn’t, right? So like, if you’re doing online dating, maybe for a while, put that you’re sober on your profile and see who you connect with and see how that feels. Or don’t put anything about drinking on your profile and maybe when it’s time to actually meet up, suggest having coffee, suggest going for a walk, suggest going for tea. Or if you decide to meet up at a bar, right?

give them the heads up in advance like, hey, just so you know, I’m gonna be having mocktails, I’m not drinking tonight, or however you wanna frame it. Or just be bold, go crazy, and tell somebody that you’re in recovery and see how they respond to that. Why not? This is literally like a whole experiment, like our lives. Like our lives are like science experiments and we get to try things out.

see the results. If we like the results, we keep doing what we’ve tried. If we don’t like the results, we try something different. And literally, regardless of how you do it, you are, you’re never going to get like a letter from the universe telling you that you did it right, right? So like, you might as well just go try different things and your body and your instincts are going to tell you if you’re doing something that feels right for you or if it doesn’t feel right for you. And eventually you’ll navigate and find what you’re looking for. So really, I don’t, you know,

It’s like, I wish I could have told you, oh, you listen to this podcast episode and I tell you something really specific or like a perfect trick to dating. I don’t have that. It took me almost two years of dating before I met my current partner and it’s all good. I’m grateful for it. I learned a lot from the different people who I went out on dates with and got to know. I’m grateful for all of them because they all taught me something. So with that being said, I wish you all the happy experimenting.

Safe experimenting as you get to know folks. And again, trust yourself. I know you’ve been told for a long time not to trust yourself if you’re someone in recovery because your best decisions got you your addiction. Sure, that’s true, but your best decisions also got you sober and you’re sober, right? So trust yourself. You know exactly what you need. It’s just a matter of trying things out and seeing what sticks and feels right with you. Thanks and I’ll see you in the next one.

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In this episode:

Link to Spotify

I share a story about my mother recently attempting to fat shame me, how I handled it, and I share strategies for how you can handle your loved ones.

Recommended Resources:

Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban

Set Boundaries Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab

You’re Fat Honey. You’ve Got to Take Care of Yourself Blog Piece by Jessica Dueñas

Upcoming Opportunities

Free Writing for Healing Workshop. July 8th. Register here.

Six-Week Writing for Healing Program. July 15th. Register here.

Summer Soul Mid-Year Check In: How Are We, Really? July 16th. Register here.

Free Support Group for Educators. August 3rd. Register here.

1:1 coaching is open. Schedule a free consultation here.

Transcript:

Hey, so today we’re gonna talk about our loved ones because they’re so precious to us. And just as precious as they are, they also have this amazing capacity to really set us off, right? So let’s talk a little bit about some strategies to employ to not cope in a manner that can be hurtful towards you. Like for me, that means not drinking, right? Or even eating in a harmful way, getting really emotional and down on myself. So… Story time. I was recently in Costa Rica visiting my mother. She’s an 84 year old woman. And I was visiting her with my sister and my boyfriend. And again, I highlight my mother’s age because it’s important to understand that she is of a fixed mindset. There are many people in their 80s who are still open to growth and learning and changing. My mother is not one of them. So I just wanted to like put that out there to start. So anyway, I was getting ready to go out and I was brushing my hair. And she just comes into the room and real casually and with like the sweetest voice. She’s like in Spanish, esta gorda mamita tiene que cuidarse. And meaning in English, you know, you’re fat honey to take the edge off, I guess. You’re fat honey. You’ve got to take care of yourself. Now, listen, I love, admire and I embrace several of my mother’s traits. I think she is an incredibly generous woman. She is. very smart, especially with numbers like she will count any whiz kid that I ever taught when I was a teacher under the table. So certain things about her are like these wonderful things. And I see some of those traits in me and I’m like, yay, I’m so glad I have them. But the body shaming part, the fat shaming part is definitely something that I have been working on cutting ties from and like releasing myself from that shit. So you know, my grandmother definitely practiced it. And again, my mother did and does too. And again, they do these things with the best of intentions, but our intentions don’t mean anything if we’re causing harm, right? So we’re still getting some terrible results from this well-intentioned fat shaming. And so I’ve just decided for me, it ends with me. I won’t drink over it, I won’t eat emotionally over it, and I won’t do it to other people just because that’s the way I was raised. I refuse to do that. you know, just because somebody’s aren’t elder, it doesn’t mean that they have it right. So anyway, when she said that though, like I want to put it out there because especially if you are early on in any kind of wellness journey, whether you’re in recovery from addiction or anything else, like I want you to understand that even with me doing this for some years now, two and a half years of not drinking, going to therapy, working with coaches, et cetera, when she called me fat, when she called me gorda the other day, it immediately took me right back in time. It was like throwing me back in Brooklyn when she was yelling at me for going to grab a second plate or throwing me back to that time that I was like caught by a coworker sneaking an extra drink and I was called out for maybe having a drinking problem. Right? Like that sinking feeling for me, that’s how I feel shame in my body. It’s like a sinking feeling. It feels like I’m going on a roller coaster without going for the actual ride. That’s exactly what I felt. And that’s despite the fact that I’ve done a lot of work to grow. And I do in general feel pretty good about myself. So I just say that to say, um, our bodies remember everything, even if we’ve done a lot of work to move past certain hurts. So just saying that. But I also say that because when you feel a feeling and you feel that manifestation in your body, it doesn’t mean that you’re actually in danger. Your body might think you’re in danger, right? Your mind might be processing whatever as a threat, but chances are you’re okay. Anyway, in the past though, when I would have had a comment like that from my mother, old me would have, number one, completely gotten defensive and argued with her. I would have been opening my phone, showing her pictures of me being at the gym and working out and being like, don’t you see? I am exercising. Why would you say that? I need to go exercise. I already do that. I would have just let… I would have been speaking from the wound instead of just not. Speaking of, speaking from the wound or acting from the wound, I would have been crying really hard in front of her, purposely trying to make her feel bad. It’s like, I’m hurt, now I want you to feel hurt. I would have started to spiral into the old narrative I used to really believe, which was that I wasn’t good enough. Then of course, as a result of that spiraling, I would have drank over it or I would have eaten emotionally over it. Frankly, I would have done that in an attempt to show her, which obviously is not showing her anything. So anyway, what I did instead, which I hope you find helpful, is that I walked away from her and I went into the other room. Again, she’s 84, she’s more delicate. Like I already said, she is of a complete fixed mindset, so nothing is changing her mind. And also, right, like when we set boundaries, we don’t change other people’s behaviors. We address our own behaviors in response to whatever they do that’s undesirable to us. So in my case, I can’t control her, but I sure as hell can control. me being in that conversation, so I got up and I left the room, right? The second thing that I did was I allowed myself to feel uncomfortable and feel that roller coaster sensation in my stomach because it’s just a feeling. It’s a temporary feeling and it can’t hurt me. As awkward and as painful as it is, it can’t literally come out of my body and kill me. So I just let myself ride the feeling for a little bit. And then I started to use self-talk to soothe myself. So here’s some examples of some of the things that I was telling myself. I’m safe, there’s nothing to be ashamed of, this one is a big one. My weight isn’t a reliable measure of health because when my weight was at its lowest, I drank a fifth a day. I am heavy because I’m strong. My mom is projecting old thinking passed down for generations that she hasn’t unlearned. And then the last thing I did when I was able to soothe myself and I got out of that mini upset, I celebrated my win and I told my sister and my boyfriend, hey, I didn’t lose my mind, woo, that’s a big deal. Because it is a really big deal, right? If you go through a situation like this with one of your loved ones, and you are able to feel the feelings, set up and hold a boundary, and stay true to yourself, that is a really big win. And again, family dynamics are complicated, so what worked for me may not work for you, but I do invite you to try the following steps. if you’re feeling emotionally set off by a family member. So like number one, set and hold the boundary by either saying you’re not accepting whatever they said that upset you or remove yourself from the conversation. Two, remind yourself that the unpleasant sensation that you’re feeling, right, like that shame or whatever you’re feeling, that is just your body perceiving a threat and you don’t have to drink over it. and you don’t have to use some other maladaptive coping strategy to deal with it. You can feel it and it’s not going to kill you. Three, use self-talk to debunk whatever nonsense your loved one just said. Or use a somatic strategy like breathing or grounding to soothe your body. And then the last thing is share your win with someone whether you are in a support group community and you go to your community or whether you just tell one person, send a text, make a phone call, but let some human know that you just experienced a win. So with that being said, I hope my lovely, uncomfortable situation and how I handled it is helpful for you. It is really hard. It can suck sometimes. Navigating relationships with people that we love can be incredibly difficult, but it’s also really difficult to continue to let them do the things and say the things that hurt us too. So hope you found this helpful and I will talk to you soon.

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