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In this episode:

Sobriety helped me stop blaming my mom and start healing. This episode is about grief, generational pain, and the peace I found—without ever getting an apology.

Resources:

The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz

Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel

Coaching Information

Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops⁠⁠

Transcript:

Hey y’all, welcome back to Bottomless to Sober, where we talk about recovery, healing—and in today’s episode—what it really means to grow into love. I’m Jessica Dueñas, and today’s episode is definitely a tender one. It’s about grief, it’s about love… and it’s about my mom.

May is coming up quickly, and here in the U.S., that means Mother’s Day is near. But also, it would have been my mother’s 86th birthday. Her memory has become this quiet, constant companion. It shows up in how I care for my daughter, in how I challenge old beliefs about beauty, and in all the ways love and loss blur together. I don’t know if it’s because her birthday is around the corner or because the grief is still so fresh—but she’s been on my mind nonstop.

One thing that’s struck me since she passed in January is this:
I loved her. Truly. Unconditionally.

And that kind of love wasn’t always there. It’s something I had to grow into—and something that sobriety made possible.

One of my favorite authors, Don Miguel Ruiz—best known for The Four Agreements—also wrote a book called The Mastery of Love. In it, he says, “Love has no obligations.” He talks about how real love doesn’t try to control or change. It simply accepts.

That was not always the case with my mom. I carried a lot of resentment toward her—for the shame I felt about my body, for my disordered eating, and eventually, for my drinking. She was proud of my accomplishments, yes—but I never felt fully accepted.

I remember one middle school picture day. I had picked out a dress I was excited to wear. My mom looked at me and said it was too tight—and then added, “You don’t want to look like una vaca.” A cow.

I bit my cheek to hold back tears, changed into a sweater, and posed for the photo—expressionless. I wasn’t just trying to shrink my body—I was shrinking my spirit.

That sense of “not enough” stayed with me for years. First, I tried to manage it through food. Then, I numbed myself with alcohol. And I blamed my mom for a long time.

But then I got sober. And sobriety gave me the space to reflect—and with reflection came clarity.

I was reading Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel, and one line hit me like a mic drop:
“Many women who fail to nurture their daughters were never nurtured themselves.”

That was it. My mom didn’t carry my wounds because she didn’t know another way. The beliefs she held were inherited. She brought them with her when she immigrated to the U.S.

And here’s the thing: my mom didn’t have the luxury of therapy or journaling. She had to survive—raise kids, keep going. Healing was not in her vocabulary.

Her words still hurt. They caused real damage. But with recovery, I saw that she was doing the best she could. And no, that doesn’t excuse the harm—but it helps explain it.

That understanding helped soften my resentment. I let go of the blame. Because blame was never going to heal me. Healing came from recognizing that I wasn’t broken—I had been shaped. And she had been shaped, too.

Eventually, I stopped trying to change her. I stopped needing her to apologize. I started to accept her.

And listen—before I go any further, I want to say this:

What I’m sharing is my story. This was my path to peace. Acceptance worked for me. But that doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone.

You might not be in a place where acceptance of a parent—or anyone who’s harmed you—is possible or safe. And that’s okay. This isn’t a prescription. You don’t owe anyone acceptance if it comes at the cost of your peace or safety.

I’ve cut off other family members completely. So I get it. Sometimes no contact is what keeps us safe. Boundaries are necessary. You are allowed to be exactly where you are.

But for me—accepting my mom helped me put down what wasn’t mine to carry. It helped me grieve with a full heart.

One of the last times I visited her in Costa Rica, we were having coffee and she made a typical comment about a woman passing by—something like, “She really takes care of herself.” The old me would’ve launched into a speech about body positivity.

This time, I sipped my coffee, rolled my eyes gently, and changed the subject.

Because it’s not my job to educate or fix her. I just needed to love her. And that was freeing.

When she passed this January, the grief was sharp. But also—there was gratitude. Because I had learned to love her as she was, while she was still here.

That was a gift. And now, the love continues.

With my daughter Amara, I hope to pass on something different. I hope she never feels like she has to earn my love by shrinking, overachieving, or performing. I hope she knows she’s enough, just by being her.

I hope she sees me love myself—not because I’m perfect, but because I’m enough.

That, to me, is what true love looks like.

Reflection Questions

If you want to sit with this topic a little longer, here are a few reflection questions for you:

1. What kinds of love have you had to grow into over time?
2. Can you remember a moment that shaped how you saw yourself—and are you still carrying it?
3. What beliefs or behaviors have been passed down in your family that you’re ready to question—or break?
4. Where in your life could letting go of the need to “fix” someone lead to more peace?
5. What kind of love do you want to pass on—to your children, your community, or even to your younger self?

Thanks for being here with me today. If this episode moved something in you, I’d love to hear from you. Leave a review, share the episode, or just take a moment to reflect.

Until next time, stay grounded, stay loving, and remember:
You are enough.

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Link to Spotify

In this episode:

Whether you’re raising kids, teaching, or questioning your own drinking—this one’s for you.

Addiction isn’t about being bad. It’s about being human—and healing is possible. I share some powerful stats from author Jessica Lahey, and reframe the shame with truth and compassion.

Resources:

My Interview With Jessica Lahey in 2024

Jessica Lahey’s Site

Coaching Information

Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops⁠⁠

Transcript:

Jessica Dueñas:
Hey, everyone. Thanks for tuning back into Bottomless to Sober. If you’re new to the podcast—welcome. If you’ve been hanging out with me for a while, you know that this space is all about telling the truth—whether it’s about addiction, recovery, healing, or simply holding on to hope.

Today, I want to talk about something I believe every educator, parent—really, every human—should know. It’s this important reminder:
Addiction is not a moral failing.

It’s not about being weak.
It’s not about making bad choices.
It’s not about lacking willpower.

Addiction is complex. It’s biological. It’s psychological. And it’s so deeply misunderstood.

Last week, I had the opportunity to hear bestselling author Jessica Lahey speak here in Tampa. I’ve been following her for a few years, and let me just say—not only is she brilliant, but she also gives the best hugs. It was so nice meeting her in person. I’ve actually interviewed her on this podcast before, and I’ll link that episode in the show notes.

Jessica wrote two incredible books that I wish had been required reading back when I was still in the classroom—or even in college studying to become an educator.
The first is The Gift of Failure, and the second is The Addiction Inoculation.

One of the facts she shared during her talk absolutely knocked the wind out of me—again. I’ve heard it before, but it still hits hard every time:

If an 8th grader tries alcohol or drugs, they have a 50% chance—a coin toss—of developing substance use disorder in their lifetime.

That 50% chance is real. And it’s a powerful argument against the idea that, “Well, I’m okay with my kid drinking as long as it’s at home and I take away the car keys.”
No. That risk is significant.

But here’s the hopeful part:
If they wait until 10th grade, that 50% chance drops in half—to 25%.
If they wait until 12th grade, the risk drops again—to about 10%.
And that 10%? That’s the same as the general adult population.

In The Addiction Inoculation, Jessica offers scripts and practical advice for talking to your kids—especially teens—about alcohol and drugs. Her approach is all about transparency. Like saying:

“Hey, your brain isn’t fully developed yet. When alcohol or drugs enter your body, they affect your brain differently than they do for adults. I highly recommend waiting. And when you’re an adult, you can make your own decisions.”

Having real, honest conversations like that can make a big difference. When young people understand that they could become addicted, it might help dissuade them from trying it in the first place.

Let’s come back to that 10% number—the adult addiction rate.
That means 1 in 10 adults is living with substance use disorder.

Think about that. One in ten. That could be a teacher.
A parent.
A doctor.
A neighbor.
A youth pastor.
A coach.

It was me—struggling with alcohol behind closed doors while publicly being celebrated as Kentucky’s State Teacher of the Year.

And yet I carried shame—like my drinking was proof that I was broken, or reckless, or bad.

But here’s the truth:
Addiction says nothing about your character.
It’s about how you’ve been coping.
It’s about trauma.
It’s about how our brains learn to survive pain.

When we really understand that, we stop asking people, “What’s wrong with you?” and instead we start asking, “What happened to you?”

Jessica Lahey made another powerful point during her talk. She explained addiction through a gun analogy I hadn’t heard before.

She said that genetics are like a loaded gun. That’s your predisposition—your family history.
But trauma? Trauma is what pulls the trigger.

In other words, even if you’re genetically predisposed, it often takes life experience—stress, loss, pain—for addiction to surface.

So again, instead of judging people, we ask: What happened to you?

Now, if you’re listening and thinking, “Could I be that one in 10?”—I get it. I was there too. I asked myself that question a lot. And yep, I Googled it a lot.

You can search “Am I an alcoholic?” and take all the quizzes. But when you start digging, you’re going to see terms like “heavy drinking,” “alcohol use disorder,” and others. And it can get confusing fast. So let’s break it down.

According to the CDC:

• For women, heavy drinking means 8 or more drinks per week.
• For men, it’s 15 or more drinks per week.

And yeah, that probably doesn’t sound like a lot—especially if you compare it to how alcohol is normalized in our culture. But science isn’t measuring social norms.
It’s measuring risk.

When we talk about alcohol use disorder—also known as alcohol addiction—we’re talking about a medical condition. It might look like:

• Needing more alcohol to get the same effect
• Trying to cut back but not being able to
• Continuing to drink even when it causes problems at work, in relationships, or with your health

Regardless of the label you use, if your relationship with alcohol is hurting you, it matters.

Here’s the thing: drinking in a problematic way increases your risk for over 200 health conditions.
That includes liver disease, certain cancers, heart issues, depression, and anxiety.

And that’s just the physical stuff. It doesn’t even touch the emotional toll—
The isolation.
The shame.
The broken promises to yourself.
The loss of trust in your own word.

But here’s the wild part:
You don’t need to hit a “rock bottom” for your drinking to be a problem.
You don’t need a diagnosis.
You don’t need to wreck your car.
You don’t need to go to rehab or have liver disease or get a DUI.

You don’t need any dramatic moment to deserve a better life.

That’s why I love this quote from author Laura McKowen—who also founded The Luckiest Club, where I’m a meeting leader.

She says:

“The typical question is,
‘Is this bad enough for me to have to change?’

The question we should be asking is,
‘Is this good enough for me to stay the same?’

And the real question underneath it all is,
**‘Am I free?’”

Whew. That last one hits, right?
Am I free?

Free from hiding?
Free from shame?
Free from anxiety spirals and broken promises to yourself?

Because that’s what recovery is. It’s not punishment.
It’s not exile.
It’s a path toward freedom.

So whether you’re a parent, an educator, in recovery, or still figuring it all out—just know this:

You are not alone.
You are not broken.
And you are absolutely not beyond hope.

You are worthy of support.
You are worthy of information.
You are worthy of connection.
You are worthy of freedom.

Thanks so much for spending time with me today.
If this episode moved you or made you think of someone you love, please share it. Word of mouth is the best compliment.

Let’s keep breaking the stigma and replacing it with compassion and understanding—for ourselves and for one another.

Thanks, y’all. I’ll see you next time.

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In this episode:

In this episode, I reflect on how sobriety reshaped my relationship with my body, and why I now lean on neutral affirmations to speak to myself with honesty and care.

Resources:

Just Eat It by Laura Thomas – The book I got the quote from in the episode

Coaching Information

Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops⁠⁠

Transcript:

00:03 – Jessica Dueñas (Host)
Hey y’all, it’s Jessica Dueñas, and thanks again for tuning in to Bottomless is Sober. So today’s episode is all about the bodies that we live in, right, these same bodies that we have spent years numbing, judging, trying to fix, trying to shrink, and how sobriety invites us to really come home to our bodies. Right, not to change our bodies, but literally gives us the opportunity to just meet our bodies Honestly, maybe for the first time. There’s a book that I love called Eat it, and it was written by Laura Thomas, and here’s a line that I love from Laura. She writes you are not a before and after photo. You are a human being with a rich and complex life and you deserve to be heard and seen and respected in whatever body you’re in. I love that, right.

01:00
I think about how, when I first got sober, you know, I would have folks asking me questions like so have you lost weight now that you’re not drinking? Or you must feel amazing, right, like glowing skin, more energy, and some of those things can sometimes be true for some people. Right, let me say that again, some of those things can sometimes be true for some people. I actually gained weight because in my addiction, I started to lose weight as a result of my alcoholic liver disease, and I was hardly eating. So for me, a sign of health was the fact that I was gaining weight right. And then, as I started to exercise and lift weights, I actually started to add muscle onto my body. So I have been heavier since getting sober, but regardless, right, getting on that sobriety journey, my body did start to feel different. But the thing is, when someone asks you eagerly, right, like, oh so have you started to lose weight now that you’re drinking, or now that you’re not drinking, or you must feel so amazing, right, when you start to get questions like that, there’s definitely something loaded in those questions, right, there’s almost like an unspoken expectation and unspoken assumption about sobriety, as though we’re supposed to look a certain way to prove that we’re healing, as, like you know, if our body doesn’t show a visual evidence of change, that maybe our recovery doesn’t count. Right. But the truth is, is that sobriety forced me to just be in my body again? It forced me to feel the anxiety, to feel the shame, to feel the exhaustion, but also, eventually, right came the strength and sobriety enabled me to feel that it was like I don’t know, meeting this part of myself that I had abandoned for years, and, honestly, when I met my strength, I didn’t know what to do. You know, growing up for me, my body, it just was never mine, right? So this whole like meeting our body for the first time thing it was definitely brand new to me.

03:22
Growing up, my body was constantly commented on. It was constantly controlled, constantly compared to others. You know, though, my mother had the best of intentions, it didn’t work out that way. So I still remember, you know, mommy saying I don’t eat that You’re going to get fat. Or you know, when I did actually put on weight, you know the constant like. You know, that’s why you are as big as you are, and so and then.

03:52
The funny thing, though, was that she’d still pile my plate super high with food, because that was also how love showed up, right, and she grew up so poor that to have like a full plate was a blessing. And so, here, eat all of this. And if you don’t eat like this food, where’s all this food going to go? Right, you know she definitely didn’t mean harm, but she was definitely passing down messages that she got from society, you know, from survival and from her own mother, which weren’t helpful messages, right, there was one time I was sitting on the couch with her and we were watching one of those, you know, like diet commercials that we always see, with the before and after. You know, like the before is this like sad, slouched woman, and then suddenly, like the woman after, she’s just like glowing and she’s loved and she’s like happy. And you know, and my mom like literally had pointed the screen, I was like, oh well, that’s what you want to aim for, right? Así es como debe estar. And that’s the thing, like I did aim for that.

04:49
I spent years aiming to me to be like the smaller, quieter, prettier woman and if I could maybe just shrink myself enough that maybe I’d finally feel like I was enough. But that was never the case. And then thankfully jokingly I’m not seriously saying thankfully, but you know my experience with alcohol was that alcohol did make it easier to not feel at all Right, so if I couldn’t shrink my body, well, at least I couldn’t feel anything. It’s just that over time my body became something to escape and I escaped over and over and over again until getting into recovery finally brought me back to her. You know, getting sober it cracked me open, and so it wasn’t just about the quitting drinking piece, but it was about facing what I had been trying so hard not to feel. And in my journey, a lot of it was decades of body shame, of perfectionism and, just you know, making myself worth being conditional on whatever number was on the scale or what size clothes I was fitting into. Worth being conditional on whatever number was on the scale or what size clothes I was fitting into.

05:56
And now, you know, as I approach my fifth year, sobriety. You know, now, after becoming a mother, I’m definitely looking at my body through a new lens. You know. It’s not that I’m looking at my body with constant praise, you know, but I’m looking at my body with permission. Right, I’m giving my body permission to just be. I’m not going to pretend that I always love what I see, but what I do have for my body is a huge amount of respect. I respect my body. Today, my body is a home. My body carried me through trauma, heartbreak and healing. My body grew and delivered my daughter Amara, and my body is still showing up for me every single day. So how dare I tear this body down? I won’t do it. I absolutely won’t. So today I want to invite you into a space of curiosity, right? Definitely not judgment. And so let’s wrap up the episode with a couple of neutral affirmations Now.

07:05
I love neutral affirmations because they are not as phony sounding as positive affirmations. Sometimes positive affirmations are great if we are in the head space to receive them and practice them and we’re feeling really good. So a positive affirmation lands well. But sometimes, like when I coach my own coaching clients, I teach them about using neutral affirmations because sometimes the positive stuff it feels too phony and if it feels phony it’s not going to click and land on your body, right, and it’s not going to do its job in helping you with the healing process. So sometimes we’ve got to go neutral, right. Oftentimes neutral affirmations are based more so on facts, right, undeniable facts that help negate the negative self-talk that we might’ve had otherwise about our bodies. So they don’t hype you up unrealistically, but they’re basically almost like a peace offering and they’re just a nice small shift in how we speak to ourselves.

08:03
So here’s a couple of neutral affirmations that you can take with you, right, take what you need, leave the rest. Feel free to grab a journal, right, and maybe list out your own that might resonate with you better, but here are a few that I know have helped me a lot. With you better, but here are a few that I know have helped me a lot. My body is allowed to exist without explanation. I am learning to relate to my body in a new way. I don’t have to love my body to respect it. I can feel discomfort and still be kind to myself. My body tells me the truth and I am listening. And so, again, I invite you to take some of these neutral affirmations and adjust them to yourself Again. Whatever might land for you, great. If you need to do something different, go ahead and do something different. And then, lastly, just to wrap up, I always like to.

09:03
I’m switching into trying to offer people reflection questions. Whether I’m working with you in a sobriety support meeting, whether you are one of my one-on-one coaching clients or here on the podcast, I love, love, love the idea of just taking questions and sitting with them and journaling them or just thinking about them, right? And so here’s a couple of questions for you to go home with. So, number one since getting sober, how has your relationship with your body changed, physically, emotionally or spiritually? Number two have you noticed any ways that body image pressures show up in recovery. What’s one way you respond to or want to respond differently. And then number three if your body could speak right now, what would it say? And if you could respond with compassion, what would you say back? And so just a reminder, right Again, thanks so much for listening today.

10:07
But you’re not this project, you are not some product, you are not a before and after picture. Right, we are constantly evolving, always. You’re a person and this journey that you’re on you’re never going to reach a perfect after. Let me just keep it real with you. So it’s about learning to live fully in your now, learning to live fully in your now. So, thanks so much for spending time with me today. If the episode resonated, please feel free to send it to someone else. Right Again, someone can always benefit to have a nice little reminder that they are enough in whatever body they are, in whatever body they are occupying. Until next time, take care, I will see you all next week. Bye.

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In this episode:

Imagine being at the pinnacle of your career, celebrated as Kentucky State Teacher of the Year, while secretly battling severe addiction. That’s the reality I faced, living a double life until a car accident shattered my illusions and forced me to confront my need for recovery. Inspired by Paulo Coelho’s wisdom, “The secret of life is to fall seven times and to get up eight,” I share my tumultuous journey through multiple treatment stints over 14 months, debunking the myth that recovery is a simple, linear path. Join me as I open up about the painful truths and the resilience needed to continually rise after each fall.

Resources:

Coaching Information

Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops⁠⁠

Transcript:

00:03 – Jessica Dueñas (Host)
Hey y’all, welcome back to Bottomless is Sober. I’m Jessica, and I’m so grateful to have you here. So, whether this is your first episode or your 60 something episode, this is our space where we continue to get honest about what it means to recover, not just from addiction, but from shame, perfectionism, grief and, honestly, just life. So today, I want to anchor our conversation in a quote by author Paulo Coelho You’ve probably heard it before, but if you haven’t, I invite you to really feel it today and he wrote the secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight. It’s so easy to throw that around like a motivational slogan. I’m not going to lie, but when you have a history of having relapsed, right when you’ve fallen in a way that shakes your whole sense of self, it’s actually. It’s not just a quote, it’s a hundred percent, it’s a lifeline.

01:03
I want to share a story that I haven’t told in a while, but you know it came to mind when I read this line recently, um, back when I had won, you know, the Kentucky state teacher of the year award in 2019, this was a few months after winning that award, and you know like, on the outside, um, my life did look like everything was on track, right, you know, being an award-winning educator, considered a community leader, back in Louisville, kentucky, you know, someone that people legitimately looked up to, but the thing was that on the inside I was completely unraveling, you know. So I felt like every celebration that I came across it, really it just felt more like this really heavy pressure, and every compliment that I would ever receive honestly just felt like this huge reminder that I was living a double life. Right, I was deep in addiction, drinking every single night. You know, by the end of my drinking days, I was drinking a fifth of liquor a night, and that was numbing the fear that I was going to disappoint everyone. Right, I did not want to get caught, and so I literally lived my entire life in a way where I could drink heavily and yet appear really functional and successful on the outside. My liver was shot, I had been diagnosed with alcoholic liver disease and the thing was eventually trying to navigate all these different things at once that were completely opposing forces. It all came crashing down, and so there was one morning where I had actually flipped my car in Louisville and this street called Bardstown road after drinking, and I remember coming to hanging upside down in that car and realizing that I could have died right. I mean, honestly, I probably should have given the impact of that accident, but somehow I walked away physically unharmed, emotionally though, I was shattered.

02:56
So after that, that same night, I actually after I went to the emergency room, I went straight into a treatment facility where I stayed for five weeks, and while in treatment, you know, I started to put the pieces back together. I found a sense of community. I have a friend there that I’m still friends with today and, you know, I started to find hope and I started to start to connect with myself again. But let me tell you something that I wish more people talked about, and that is that assumption that just because you go to treatment, that you’re good, right, that the work is done, that if you go to treatment once you’re one and done no, no, no, I went to treatment like seven or eight times in the span of 14 months, so that’s already not true. I wanted to put that out there. Just because you go to treatment does not mean the work is done. Healing definitely not linear. If I would have been put in charge of creating healing and how it worked as a construct. Yes, I would have loved to have made it a linear process for all of us, but it’s not. In recovery, it’s not a straight line either.

04:02
So a few weeks after I left the facility, I had a relapse. I was completely overwhelmed. I was still dealing with so much grief after having lost my then boyfriend, ian, to his own addiction right. And so I just felt completely isolated. I felt tired of trying so hard and I slipped and I had the one drink. But of course the one drink turned into two, and then it turned into more, and eventually I had that old voice in my head whispering you know, you’re never going to change. Who are you kidding, jessica Right? And when you have that voice in your head, it becomes so easy to just want to say I’m done, I don’t care, why bother trying? If I can’t get this done perfectly, then I might as well not try at all.

04:46
And so that night I remember sitting on the floor of my bathroom, you know, crying, with the empty bottle having had thrown up. And I wasn’t just disappointed in myself, I was just in this place of feeling completely devastated. You know I had already promised myself and the few people who were aware of everything that was going on, especially my sister, that, like I, was done right. But here I was drunk on the bathroom floor again. But something shifted right. Things start to shift over time. The more that we practice our sobriety, the more that things start to click. And this time I didn’t ghost anyone. I didn’t disappear. I didn’t hide. For weeks, I didn’t try to pretend that it didn’t happen. In fact, I reached out to my sister. I had texted her and I said I messed up and I need help, which is a huge leap. Huge leap for me. I thought she would have been upset with me, I thought that she would have been disappointed, but all she said was I love you, come, come visit me and try again, right? How simple was that? How simple was that? And so that was the moment that I started to understand what getting up again really means.

06:00
It’s not flashy. It’s not always about heroically turning your life around in one grand gesture. Sometimes it’s literally about reaching out instead of retreating. Sometimes it’s sitting in a meeting that next day, even if you’re hungover and ashamed, but still showing up. Sometimes it’s saying I fell, but I’m here. And here’s the thing right In this work, because some of you may have been, maybe sober for a while. It’s not just relapse that makes us question ourselves. So I want to recognize that the fall here is not always directly tied to alcohol. Sometimes the fall that we go through in life can be subtle, way more subtle than taking a drink, but it can be just as discouraging.

06:45
So maybe you snapped at your kids or you snapped at your partner and then, damn, you’re like instantly I just undid months of inner work. Or maybe you had recently committed to a morning routine whether it’s like meditation or journaling or moving your body and then you fell off for a week and now there’s a shame kind of looming over your head of not following through which makes you feel like you just want to give up altogether. Or maybe you shared something vulnerable right With a friend or in a group and someone gave you a response that was really uncomfortable, like maybe they sounded judgy or they didn’t respond at all. So you feel like whatever you said landed on like deaf ears. Now you’re questioning if you should have even said anything or if you should even bother going back to them and opening back up, and I just want to say whatever else it could be for you, whatever that fall could look like that these moments count too. They’re the quiet heartbreaks, right? They’re the mini falls and, just like with a relapse, they still offer us the same invitation, which is get up again, try again, stay in it, right? And as you’re looking at these invitations to recommit, maybe ask yourself what can I do differently? Right? What tool do I need to use that maybe I haven’t explored yet In sobriety, right?

08:10
That’s why I love this quote the secret of life is to fall seven times and to get up eight, because, in sobriety, falling does not mean that you failed. It simply means that you’re a human and standing back up. That’s where the magic is, that is where the healing happens. So today, right, whether you’re celebrating getting through another 24 hours sober, or whether you are in the middle of picking yourself back up, in general, I want you to know, I want you to understand that you are not alone and you don’t have to get up, gracefully, right, this doesn’t have to look magical and beautiful, you just have to get up. And so take a moment, let’s reflect, right? Whether you’re journaling or you’re out on a walk or you’re listening to the podcast, just kind of, you know, with your heart open.

08:58
Here’s a couple of questions for you to sit with. When was a time that you got back up after a setback in your sobriety? How do you talk to yourself in those moments when you feel like you’ve fallen short? And, lastly, what support or reminder helps you to stand back up again? And as I close out, I just want to remind you for this week, right, that you deserve grace, you deserve support and you deserve to keep going.

09:26
Okay, thanks so much for being here with me this week. A reminder again that the reason we rise, it’s not because we never fall, it’s not because we never fail, it’s not because we never fail, it’s not because we’re perfect, but the reason we get up and we keep going is because, no matter what, we can always rise again. Right, as long as you’ve got breath in you, as long as you are still here and alive with us, you can absolutely do something to get back up again. We don’t need to stay down that perfectionist narrative, that black or white thinking. It gets us nowhere really, really fast. So, thanks so much for hanging out this week. I will catch you next time.

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Link to Spotify

In this episode:

Jessica explores the emotional cost of people-pleasing and the liberation found in breaking the “good girl” script. Reflecting on her own experiences before and after sobriety, she shares how unlearning the need to be liked led to deeper self-worth and authentic healing. This episode speaks directly to women in recovery who are learning to say no, set boundaries, and reclaim their truth—without apology. Jessica leaves listeners with heartfelt reflection questions and a bold reminder: you are still good, even when you’re no longer the “good girl.”

Resources:

Coaching Information

Bottomless to Sober – Coaching, Classes, and Workshops⁠⁠

Transcript:

00:03 – Jessica Dueñas (Host)
Hey everyone, welcome back to Bottomless is Sober. I’m your host, jessica Duenas, and so glad to have you here this week. So, whether this is your first time listening or, you know, reaching out to your support system or simply just breathing through a tough day, that is a victory, right? That is recovery in action. So I just want to take a moment and recognize that Now, today’s episode is, for all my recovering people pleasers, especially if you have been socialized as a woman, right, and you were taught, directly or indirectly, that being nice is the same thing as being lovable, right? I think for so many of us, that was definitely a message that we were taught, and essentially, we’re talking about something that I’m calling breaking the good girl script, because that internalized role that so many of us were handed early in life right To be agreeable, to be helpful, be easy to be around. Don’t rock the boat, don’t say no. Smile, and especially smiling at family members that creep you out, right, even when you’re dying inside, right. Smile no matter what. Being in recovery means breaking from those things, and so I want to open with a quote that I absolutely love, and I’m even using it in sobriety support meetings that I lead, and it’s from Nedra Glover Tawwab, the author of Set Boundaries, find Peace, and she wrote this line. She wrote when you consistently prioritize yourself over others, you diminish your self-worth. People-pleasing is not kindness, it’s self-neglect in disguise. So take a deep breath and let that quote sink in.

02:04
I don’t know about you, but I spent years confusing people-pleasing with kindness. You know, I thought that I was being a good friend, a good daughter, a good employee, a good partner, right Like the desperate, clinging girlfriend. But really I was abandoning myself over and over again and I wore the good girl mask so well that most people could not see how much I was suffering. And I’ll be honest with you, I wore that mask so well. There were times I couldn’t see it either. I remember there was a time back when I drank where I was just constantly saying yes to everything, you know, whether it was a social gathering, whether it was a work commitment or favors for people you know who rarely return the energy. I was just always in this yes mode, and one weekend I had three different events lined up back to back and I was just always in a space of burnout. Right, I was emotionally raw and I knew deep down that I needed just some time alone. But I didn’t want to seem flaky, I didn’t want to seem ungrateful, so I pushed through. But what did I do? I smiled when I didn’t want to smile. I drank, I drank heavily, I charmed other people, I made other people laugh, and then I went home and got really, really wasted and probably cried and, just you know, woke up on my couch hung over. I wish that I could say that that was rare for me. I wish that I could say that that’s a rare experience period. But you know, it’s not. It’s not rare, and I’m sure some of you listening can be like oh yeah, I’ve been there before.

03:43
What I’ve learned in sobriety, and what I’m still learning, is that practicing kindness, the practice of real kindness, absolutely includes yourself. You have to be the first one who you’re being kind to. Being liked by others is nice and all, but it means nothing if you are rejecting your own truth in the process. Sometimes the most loving thing that you can do is say no, not just to others, but also to that part of you that still believes that your worth is tied to your usefulness, letting go of that good girl script, you all. It has not been easy and it still is not easy, it’s still a struggle for me. But what I realize is that every time I choose myself that, every time I say actually I can’t make it or I need time to think, or this doesn’t feel good to me, what I start to find is that I feel stronger on the inside, I become freer and I get closer to the woman that I’m becoming in recovery. And this is someone who’s been sober almost five years, right. And here’s the thing recovery. And this is someone who’s been sober almost five years, right. And here’s the thing for women in sobriety, this kind of work can feel especially radical, right, like especially badass.

05:02
You know, we were so often praised for being selfless, for putting everyone else before ourselves. We’re told that we’re strong when we stay quiet, when we carry the load and when we don’t ask for help. But sobriety actually flips that upside down. It tells us you matter too. You and your needs are valid. Your peace is not a luxury, it’s a requirement. And so when we do these things, when we believe these things, that is when we’re actually practicing strength.

05:37
But I also want to recognize that that’s where some grief can come into our process, right, once we choose to break the script. We do often have to let go of certain identities, certain relationships or certain expectations that we’ve had. We’re going to disappoint some people, we may lose some friends, we might see family dynamics more clearly, which might mean that we start to see family dynamics more painfully, and we may feel like we’re walking away from a version of ourselves that we’ve tried so hard to perfect and in many ways we are. But at the end of the day, we’re also walking toward something better. Right, we’re walking away from an old version of ourselves and we’re walking toward authenticity. We are walking toward boundaries, toward peace, presence, wholeness.

06:31
So if you are in a season, right, where you’re unlearning people pleasing, where you’re trying to say no more often, or where you’re realizing that being nice has just caught you or not caught you, cost you too much, you know, please stop and understand this. You are not selfish, you are not broken. You are not broken. You are becoming free, you are allowed to take up space and you’re absolutely allowed to be misunderstood. You are allowed to say no without having to do like a whole 10 paragraph text explanation. Right, no itself is a complete sentence and you are still good. Right, you are still a good person even when you’re not. The quote unquote good girl, right.

07:19
And so just some reflection questions for you to take with you. Um, these can be great journal prompts or just something to sit with throughout the day. But first question to think about what messages were you given growing up? You know directly or indirectly, about being a good girl or being liked. How has people pleasing shown up in your life, especially in your journey towards sobriety? What does it look like for you today to choose yourself over others’ expectations?

07:52
And I want to recognize that this episode I’ve mostly talked toward women, but I also want to recognize that you know men, there have absolutely been expectations placed on you that sobriety flips upside down, right, and so feel free to take this and adapt it to your experience as a man. I’m just obviously speaking from my perspective as a woman, but you know the same expectations placed on people based off, you know, gender happens to men as well, and so, anyway, if this episode resonated with you, please consider sharing it with a friend or leaving a review. Right and again, if no one’s told you today, you are doing an amazing job, even when the work is messy, even when the healing feels slow or incredibly painful and you want to throw up. You know you’re here, you’re showing up and you’re doing it, so keep on keeping on. So thanks so much for spending this time with me. Until next time, be absolutely gentle with yourself. Being bottomless is not a part of your story anymore. Thanks y’all.

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“When we drank, goal setting felt impossible because we were so trapped by the ‘now appeal’ of alcohol. All we could think about was where our next drink was coming from, itching to get off work so we could swing by the liquor store. We didn’t have the mental capacity to consider goal setting realistically. Now that you’ve been sober for a few months, you can visualize a future, make plans, and set goals. Isn’t that crazy?”

After I said that mouthful, I grinned at my client. She sheepishly smiled back as she processed that what I was saying was true.

Marc Lewis, in The Biology of Desire: Why Addiction is Not a Disease, talks about “now appeal,” which is the idea that choosing our substance of choice instead of abstaining at a moment of craving is driven by dopamine uptake, so immediate rewards (the alcohol and/or the other drugs you want to consume) are more compelling than long-term rewards (not pissing off your partner who you love dearly for the 10th time). Now appeal explains why when you have a craving, you feel like you will die if you don’t drink right then and there because alcohol hijacked your brain. Your brain mistakenly thinks you need alcohol to live instead of essentials like food, so it goes into survival mode and freaks out if you don’t have alcohol now.

​
Once you’re sober for some time, your brain starts to rewire itself, and this panicked need for a drink eases up. You can come up for air and look out onto the horizon, and what do you see? Your future. What a gift.

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Once sober, you can start to set goals for anything you want, which is my favorite thing to do with clients. If we were able to stop drinking one of the world’s most addictive substances, we can absolutely do anything.

Speaking of goals, here is a worksheet to help you walk through goal setting and of course, if you want further support, schedule a consultation for 1:1 coaching with me here.

I’ve been very open about the losses I’ve been dealt and how, early on, I wondered if I could recover from a broken heart. “Getting sober AND working through grief, ha!” I thought. 

Despite my doubts, I knew that if I trusted the process of getting sober, everything else would fall into place. I just had to stay the course. 

Today I witnessed my partner, a single father who has raised his 12-year-old son by himself, graduate from business school with his MBA. I sat side by side with his son, chatting and taking in the special moment. When the music playing switched to a violin instrumental of Lady Gaga’s “Alejandro” I whispered/squealed to his son, “OMG, they’re playing Lady Gaga!” To which he replied, “Lady Caca?” We both covered our mouths to stifle our giggles.

What a silly and precious moment. 

When the moment came that I saw my partner walk the stage, I flashed back to this piece that I wrote that I had written as part of a larger piece I published in the newspaper:

“My dream is to attain long-term sobriety, and I believe one day I will, but just for today, I choose to live in recovery until I fall asleep. I will fight my alcoholism daily…I will live a good life. I will have a family, find peace and STILL be of service to others, just not in the way I had planned.” 

Today is exactly what I wished for years ago when I wrote those words and put my trust that things get better when we recover. Today is part of a continuing to-be-revealed answer to the question I often asked myself, “Why the hell is this not working out?” or “Why is this so difficult?” The things that didn’t work out for me before didn’t work out because they weren’t supposed to. What was meant to work out for me, is revealing itself daily. I just have to stay the course.

If you’re early on in trying to quit or wondering if quitting drinking is worth it, I’m here to tell you that it’s worth it. 

Everything you think you’re going to lose, or everything that you already lost, you only stand to gain it a million times better by taking that leap of faith.

Chapter 3: The Truth They Wanted

Jessica Vivian Dueñas, beloved teacher, community member, friend, sister, daughter, and aunt, passed away on May 25th, 2020 at the age of 35 in a tragic car accident. She had a great passion for education and community engagement, and a great dedication to her family. Jessica leaves behind her mother, Amable, her siblings, Sandra, Lorena, Grettel, Victor, and Sofia, and her friends, colleagues, students, and her dog, Cruz …

We have a lot of assignments in treatment designed to teach us to not drink or use drugs, but writing my own obituary wasn’t an activity given to everyone. A tech, this older lady named Lisa, felt I should write it given my “recklessness.” The process of starting to draft it was awkward and in fact painful. The thinking of those “left behind” knotted my stomach as I visualized each crying face. I could imagine my middle school student James. He was usually smiling, often with his hand over his mouth to stifle a laugh at something silly he just did or saw some other kid do. I pictured a woman, his mother, walking into the room he’s in and saying, “I’m so sorry baby. Ms. Dueñas died yesterday.” 

Suddenly, his almost-shut-from-laughing squinted eyes soften, his cheeks that stood high from smiling drop down, and water wells up so much in his eyes that the single tear he was holding back slowly starts to roll down his face, past his nose, and onto his lip. 

“Whatchu mean, Momma?” 

She sniffles. “I’m sorry baby.” She leans over to embrace him and at that moment I’m so broken at the thought of another’s pain that I shake my head like a dog does to bring myself back into the present moment. Phew.

I was in the fireplace room. Our women’s group usually did most of our sessions in that space. Today we had to meditate but instead, we were all doing different things. No one actually meditated because who knew how to sit still unless you were drunk or high and basically knocked out of consciousness?

Some women like Denise decided to take a nap because she was still detoxing. She ended up here after her husband found her on the floor next to a shattered bottle of wine. She had just shared in a group that she was a full-time mom in her thirties who loved “Mommy needs wine” jokes until she realized that in fact, Mommy needed wine. I’m not a mom, but I nodded my head as soon as she spoke because I knew that needing feeling well. 

Shanika walked over to the bookshelf, pulled a book at random, sat down, and cracked it open. It was nice seeing her back from the other psych hospital. Calm and settled. 

On her first day here she was under the influence of God knows what. She had the wildest eyes, looked at me and immediately said, “I know you! Where do I know you from?!” Oh no, no, no no no! My secret! I panicked. Then that same night at our evening meeting when we did our prayer circle to wrap up, Shanika grabbed my friend’s ass in the middle of the prayer with no hesitation. She just latched on. I saw his eyes open wide and then we made eye contact. Clearly he didn’t know what to do; shit, I didn’t know what to do, so I just looked at him, raised my eyebrows, and shrugged my shoulders. It was funny, to be honest. We were trapped in a circle of prayer, so what were we supposed to do? 

“I’m sorry to interrupt your connection with God here, but Shanika’s grabbing my ass?” Thankfully the circle eventually ended and off she went. He and I looked at each other and laughed, perhaps a bit uncomfortably.

It turned out Shanika was hallucinating and having a psychotic break. Her breaking point with our facility occurred when she climbed onto her roommate’s bed in the middle of the night and picked at her because she was covered in “ants.” The scuffle caused security to run to the room and quickly snatch her up. Shanika was gone for a few days to complete her detox in a higher-security psychiatric facility. 

Those are the type of hospitals that take your bra from you so you don’t stab someone with your underwire. You can’t have shoelaces so you can’t hang yourself. It’s the type of place where techs have to lay eyes on you once every ten minutes even when you’re asleep to make sure you haven’t suddenly died. You’d be in a deeply medicated sleep and abruptly wake up to a flashlight in your face. 

I’ve been in those places too. 

So to see her back with us in the fireplace room, settled, calm, and quietly reading was a testament to how we can slowly come back from the dead after a few days of being in rehab. She didn’t “recognize” me anymore either. My secret was still safe.

Once we finished “meditating,” a social worker came to work with us to discuss relapse prevention planning. Essentially, we were going to sit there and outline everything that triggered us to get drunk or high, and then a list of ten things to do instead. As I listened to her I tilted my head to the side and scratched my scalp a little bit. I raised my hand. 

“Yes, Jessica?” She turned to me. 

“This isn’t my first time writing a relapse prevention plan, but I just don’t get how it’s supposed to work. I mean, I’ll be honest, if I want to drink, I’m not going to say, ‘Hmm, where is my prevention plan?’ That just doesn’t make sense,” I said. 

She paused. “Sure, that’s a great point! So you put it on sticky notes and you place them all over your home!” Alrighty, I thought to myself, shaking my head.

Inside I wanted to scream, Don’t you get it? I’m addicted to alcohol, so my default setting is drinking! If not drinking were as easy as opening up some sort of almanac reference guide, filling out a handout, or looking at a sticky note, we wouldn’t be sitting here filling in the blanks on this paper in this treatment facility right now, would we?!

Instead, I just went ahead and started to fill it out. 

Triggers:

grief, sadness, loneliness…anger, darkness…joy…light…anything! Better scratch those last few items. I didn’t want to keep them there and be accused of being cynical. I knew how these places operated. The social workers keep notes on patients, their behavior, their participation. Good behavior gets sent to the discharge team and puts folks on a go home list. Poor behavior keeps you around longer. 

You can’t just leave treatment one day because you think you’re good to go. The only ways out are to either hop the fence and run, break the rules badly enough to get kicked out, run out of insurance, or wait until they let you go, and that is contingent on you finishing the program to their satisfaction.

I didn’t have the energy to run or rebel, and as a state employee I had good health insurance, so my only way out was to comply. I was down to my last couple of weeks and it was nice to be on a little sober vacation. I had actually made friends with some people, but I wanted to go home. However, I didn’t know if I was in fact ready to leave. I just knew that if I kept the social workers checking off the boxes on my discharge list, I’d be getting the green light to leave soon enough. I needed to get out and be on my own, away from everyone. Away from the cigarette smoke in the courtyard, the salt-less meals throughout the day, from the lack of privacy. That was my goal, I wanted to be in complete solitude, whether I was really ready or not.

Originally written by Jessica for Love & Literature Magazine.

Read the previous chapter, chapter 2 here.

Read the next chapter, chapter 4 here.