Human beings experience a natural resistance to the unknown, because it is essentially the ultimate loss of control. This is true even if what’s “unknown” is benevolent or even beneficial to us.
Self-sabotage is very often the simple product of unfamiliarity, and it is because anything that is foreign, no matter how good, will also be uncomfortable until it is also familiar. This often leads people to confuse the discomfort of the unknown with being “wrong” or “bad” or “ominous.” However, it is simply a matter of psychological adjustment…
We are programmed to seek what we’ve known. Even though we think we’re after happiness, we’re actually trying to find whatever we’re most used to.”
From pages 17-18 of The Mountain Is You by Brianna Wiest
I’ve referenced this passage in about three different conversations in the last 24 hours, so I figure it’s a sign that I should go ahead and share it in an email, too.
Sometimes, we have a friend, or another loved one who makes decisions that we don’t believe are in their best interest. For example, after infidelity in what is supposed to be a monogamous relationship, we may see our loved one choose to take the individual who betrayed them back. In our minds, we might be thinking, “What the f*ck are you doing? You deserve so much better!” And as a result, we get angry and disappointed. We’re basically taking it personally that our loved one did not choose what we thought was best for them.
Here’s a reminder. First, nothing other people do is because of you, ever. You may be the most supportive friend, and you may have all the evidence in the world as to why your friend may want to leave a job or partner who doesn’t treat them well, but let me offer you the idea of putting yourself in their shoes first while keeping this passage I quoted in mind. Especially that last line, “We are programmed to seek what we’ve known. Even though we think we’re after happiness, we’re actually trying to find whatever we’re most used to.”
So to you, it may be frustrating to see a loved one continue to drink, continue to go back to a workplace that treats them like garbage, or stay in a relationship where they are not valued or respected, but remember that to them, the idea of something unknown may be more terrifying than their current situation. You know that saying, “Choose your hard?” Everyone has to do just that: choose their hard. For some, choosing the hard of what is familiar may be all they can handle rather than opting for the challenge of diving into the unknown.
It’s not up to us, and it’s not up to you.
The second thing I wanted to do regarding this passage is to invite you to do some self-reflection work. Take a few minutes and think on or journal these questions after re-reading the passage:
What is a familiar pattern you keep diving back into because you’re scared of what might happen if you enter unknown territory?
What do you think is the worst that could happen in this unknown realm? Seriously, what’s the worst that could happen? ANNNND, so what if it did?
What is the worst that could come from you staying in the pattern you are in today, from staying in the familiar? Compare this “familiar” worst-thing-that-could-happen to your “imagined” worst-thing-that-could-happen from diving into the unknown. What do you notice?
Feel free to write back and let me know! Have a great rest of your week, and if you want to have these conversations 1:1, please note that I am open to taking new coaching clients again as of this month, so sign up for a free consultation here! https://www.bottomlesstosober.com/coaching-services/
You see someone on a train track. You see the train is coming, and that person just will not get out of the way.
No matter what you do.
You can’t pull them off. You can’t push them off. All you want to do is get them out of harm’s way, but you can’t. It’s hard to watch. You want to make them better. Stop the hurt. Me, being your older sister, being in that second mom role, made that hard.
It’s difficult letting someone you love go through that process, but I had to accept that I couldn’t do this for you. It was work you had to do for yourself.”
–Sofia Dueñas
I interviewed my sister, Sofia, on her experiences dealing with me while in my active addiction for episode 10 of Bottomless to Sober, the podcast. I wanted to pull this line out and discuss it in a greater context: I had to accept that I couldn’t do this for you. It was work you had to do for yourself.
Two and a half years into this new life I live, as I listened to my sister’s words, two questions came up for me for self-reflection, which I’m sharing with you in case you find them helpful:
What do I want for myself that I keep waiting on some external force to accomplish?
Is there something I continue to try to do for others that they really should be doing for themselves?
I’ll pick question one to reflect on here:
What do I want for myself that I keep waiting on some external force to accomplish?
I started a book, a non-fiction self-help/memoir hybrid. I wanted to finish it, but I had been waiting to get picked up by an agent and a publisher. In my mind, I told myself the story that that is the only good reason to finish a book. I had gotten TONS of rejections from agents with no feedback and had stopped working on my book because I felt discouraged. Then, recently, I had a kind book agent who corresponded with me and gave me valuable feedback.
She enjoyed what I presented and encouraged me to consider self-publishing because her inside scoop is that publishers are looking for people with longer-term sobriety if you aren’t strictly writing a memoir. After reading the email from the agent and reflecting on my sister’s statement, “I couldn’t do this for you. It was work you had to do for yourself.” I realize that I don’t need an agent to write a book. I don’t need a publisher. I don’t need anyone’s validation to finish what I started. I just need to finish what I started. So I’m formally declaring that I will refocus on writing my book! How it gets published isn’t relevant, the point is that it gets done.
So back to you, start the week with these questions:
What do you want for yourself that you keep waiting on some external force to accomplish?
Is there something you continue to try to do for others that they really should be doing for themselves?
You can read me a list of all the perks that come from a life lived without alcohol, but the greatest perk for me is that I have a life to live in the first place.
Johns Hopkins defines the three stages of alcoholic liver disease as fatty liver, alcoholic hepatitis, and cirrhosis. Life expectancy after a cirrhosis diagnosis can be between two to twelve years.
Take your age today and add twelve years.
What age does that give you? It’s scary, isn’t it?
When I was diagnosed with stage two alcoholic liver disease, alcoholic hepatitis, in 2019, I was quickly moving toward cirrhosis. If I hadn’t stopped drinking, I doubt I would still be here in 2023.
So yes, there are many benefits to living a sober life. Still, the most significant advantage of the sober life is the existence of a life not cut abruptly short.
For example, this weekend was incredibly frustrating because I worked really hard to get my writing workshop ready to go, and had over 120 folks registered (the largest group I ever had), only for there to be an issue with my passcode on Zoom, so my attendance was affected. Yes, I was bummed, so I allowed myself to feel the disappointment, but then I remembered to shift my perspective.
I must always remind myself that even a tough day is a blessing because if you look at how I drank and my liver condition back then, I “shouldn’t” be here. But here I am, showing addiction that we do recover, and picking myself up after this disappointment to dust off my shoulders and invite you to join me this week for either of these fantastic upcoming opportunities:
Learn to tell your story in my Six-Week Writing to Heal Program, which starts July 15th! This is seriously life-changing work. Register here.
How are you feeling about your progress this year, really? Let’s discuss it at the Mid Year Check to ensure you’re good for the rest of 2023. This will be a powerful collaboration between Dr. Diane Marie and myself on July 16th! Register here.
Other resources:
Catch up on my new podcast! Episode links are available here.
Learn more about the increasing rates alcoholic liver disease among women here.
Thank you all, and I hope you have a solid start to your week.
“When I was married and needed a new car after a wreck, my ex didn’t want me to purchase it. I felt so stuck, controlled, and frustrated. When I called my mom crying, she said, ‘Te mando algo de dinero para que puedas comprarte algo.’ (I’ll send you some money so you can get yourself something.) She empowered me to get a car without my ex-husband’s permission,” I told my boyfriend over lunch at the airport.
My sister added, “No matter how grown we are, our mom has had our backs. She’s the most generous person I know. It’s like her generosity is her love language. She’s not mushy, but if she loves you, she’ll make sure you’re taken care of.”
In the recovery/wellness world, I’m guilty of being the first one in a conversation or in a meeting to chime in on ways that my childhood impacted me and played a part in my addiction to alcohol as well as my challenges with body image and food.
While having this conversation with my sister and boyfriend waiting to board our next flight to go to Costa Rica to see my mother, I realized two things in the middle of our conversation:
One, I am exactly like my mother.
Two, that is a beautiful thing.
Now, anyone who has heard me speak and share my story knows that when I talk about my parents, I always share, “They did the best they could with what they had,” which implies that they tried their best, and yes, there was still some harm done.
Sharing that I am just like my mother doesn’t negate either of those statements.
However, from this conversation, I wanted to invite myself to open up to this alternative thought, “I am just like her, and it’s a good thing.” It’s a thought that I realize that I owe to myself, future me, and even to little girl me. I deserve to welcome an occasional pause from the mental labor of constantly identifying which generational cycles I need to break and, in turn, point out a few patterns I have inherited from my mother and will continue to embrace. These are the gifts from my mother that I see in me:
She’s generous. As I said before, from helping me with a car to my home, books as a kid, and anything I ever needed regarding a roof over my head and financial safety, she’s ensured I could have it. She grew up living in poverty in Costa Rica and worked so hard as an immigrant in the US. Her mission was to guarantee that her children didn’t struggle as she did. If she could take the shirt off her back for me or anyone in need, she would. You need something, and I have it? Let me share it with you. <3
She’s so bright. My mother has always been excellent with numbers and budgeting, especially when she and my dad were small business owners in Brooklyn. They could save, buy the house I grew up in, and travel. Her mental math matches any whiz kid I have ever taught, and the more I learn about numbers since starting my own business, the more I realize that I have my mother’s strong number sense.
She’s fiercely loyal to the people she’s close to and doesn’t care to force relationships. The few people in her circle are IN HER CIRCLE. I used to want to push myself to have more friends and maintain all sorts of relationships with extended family, but now, I embrace the few intimate relationships I have as gifts to nurture. I am confident in who I have connected with because I trust there is a reason they are in my life.
If you’re reading this and have a complex relationship with a parent or guardian, I invite you to look at the positive things you’ve inherited from them IF you are open to that. If changing your perspective, even temporarily, will put you at risk of disregulating yourself, don’t. But if you are open to this shift in perspective, even as part of an exercise, ask yourself to reflect on these things:
What traits does this person have that are helpful to others?
What qualities does this person have that lit them up?
How do any of these traits show up in you?
How does recognizing these traits in yourself make you feel?
How can you continue to nurture these qualities about yourself?
I’m go grateful to have had this opportunity to reflect before getting on my next flight. Sending you warm love.
Upcoming Opportunities:
Free Writing for Healing Workshop. July 8th. Register here.
Six-Week Writing for Healing Program. July 15th. Register here.
Summer Soul Mid-Year Check In: How Are We, Really? July 16th. Register here.
Free Support Group for Educators. August 3rd. Register here.
Coaching 1:1 is open. Schedule a free consultation here.
“The term good enough comes from the psychological concept of “the Good Enough mother,” which was coined by Dr. Donald Winnicott, an English pediatrician and psychoanalyst. This concept proposes that the role of a parent is to provide their child With a background environment that allows the child to develop the ability to tolerate their own distress… Coming from Good Enough means that you acknowledge your humanity and give yourself the generosity that you would extend to others. You trust that the people you care about can tolerate small discomforts and mistakes. Here’s what coming from Good Enough means to me: -I am okay with making mistakes. (I don’t need to listen to the cruel voice in my head.) -I am not defined by being selfish or selfless. (I am allowed to consider myself along with those who I care about when I make decisions.) -I can extend the compassion I give to others to myself. (I believe that we all deserve compassion, myself included.) As you practice Good Enough ask yourself: -How does my fear of being selfish prevent me from accessing Good Enough? -What are the costs (physical, emotional, spiritual) of being selfless? -In which areas of my life do I feel most convinced of being Good Enough? -Can I bring the conviction that I am Good Enough to other areas of my life, in which I am less certain of my inherent Good Enough quality? You are the only one who can give yourself the permission of starting from Good Enough. Be careful about getting caught up in wishful thinking that other people in your life will gift you this skill; self-compassion cannot be air-dropped–you have to build it yourself. By cultivating a mindset of Good Enough, you will naturally bring more compassion into your internal narrative.”
Selected parts from Real Self-Care by Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, pages 140-142
I shared this quote with several spaces in the sober community this week. This excerpt resonated with me because I had to apply a boundary in my personal life, and as the author states, even though I’m not a mother, and the person I was setting a limit with is not a child, I had to believe in this person’s ability to handle the distress from the disappointment as a result of the boundary. I had to trust the process because in trusting the process of setting a boundary, I’m inherently trusting myself to make the right decisions to protect my mental health and sobriety.
Hard decisions lead to the results we seek in our recovery, and we aren’t getting there by people-pleasing. Saying no to someone you love now is better than becoming resentful over a yes that should have been a no.
If you have a boundary that you need to set with someone and the idea makes you want to go throw up, consider this:
Trust that the disappointment they will feel will not kill them. Yes, we, as lovely humans, don’t handle negative emotions well. However, they are a part of the human experience, and in the same way that we allow kids to be disappointed by telling them “no,” and time and time again, they move on, so will the adults in our lives who we say no to.
Ask yourself: What do you stand to lose by saying yes to something you don’t want to do? If you are a person in recovery, this is a critical question to ask yourself. Is it worth risking a slip?
Remind yourself that if you don’t have your own back, who will? As much as others love us, our responsibility to protect and nurture ourselves ultimately falls back on us.
Upcoming Opportunities:
Free Writing for Healing Workshop. July 8th. Register here.
Six-Week Writing for Healing Program. July 15th. Register here.
Summer Soul Mid-Year Check In: How Are We, Really? July 16th. Register here.
Free Support Group for Educators. August 3rd. Register here.
Coaching 1:1 is open. Schedule a free consultation here.
My stomach sank, and I felt my face tingle from embarrassment. I was on my third drink, and my co-teachers and I had been at happy hour for maybe 45 minutes.
I awkwardly laughed it off, “Oh, you know it’s been a CRAZY day,” and I proceeded to slow down on that last drink. I excused myself afterward, saying I had to go grade a bunch of assignments. My face felt hot as I walked to the train station in the cold. I kept my eyes low to ensure I didn’t trip on the uneven Brooklyn sidewalk, and I held on tightly as I rode what felt like the world’s longest and steepest escalator up to the J at Broadway Junction.
When I got off at Crescent St., I started to cross Fulton to go to my house when I saw the liquor store under the train station.
It caught my eye.
Hmm, I thought. I can get just a little bit. I didn’t get to really drink how I wanted to with everybody back at the bar.
So I stepped into the store and sheepishly asked for a, “Lemme get one of those little bottles.”
I took the half pint of liquor home and felt immediate relief as soon as I locked the door behind me. It was such a relief to drink how I wanted to, without anyone saying anything, no one to make me feel hot with shame.
Little did I know that was the beginning of me learning to drink in isolation, and the beginning of a long toxic relationship with alcohol that later almost killed me.
______
A quick note:
My addiction didn’t happen suddenly. And I would definitely say that this wasn’t the moment I knew I had a problem. Neither would I say that this was when my problem started. My problem with alcohol developed over years of repeating many tiny choices like these. Small choices with gradually magnifying consequences eventually led to a full-blown addiction where I drank a fifth a day and got alcoholic liver disease. It didn’t happen overnight; honestly, it sometimes feels like it snuck up on me.
If you’re questioning your relationship with alcohol and having lots of little moments like these, there are so many ways to get help.
You don’t have to do this alone.
Upcoming Opportunities:
Free Writing for Healing Workshop. July 8th. Register here.
Six-Week Writing for Healing Program. July 15th. Register here.
Summer Soul Mid-Year Check In: How Are We, Really? July 16th. Register here.
Free Support Group for Educators. August 3rd. Register here.
Coaching 1:1 is open. Schedule a free consultation here.
“The goal is not to stop feeling guilty, but instead, to turn down the volume and not let guilt control your decisions. It means seeing the guilt not as a giant red flag but as a faulty “check engine” light–something that’s always there but operates primarily in the background. You don’t want to let it take up extra energy or have you running to the mechanic in a panic. Sure, it means something–but it doesn’t mean everything.
In other words, guilt does not need to be our compass. It can just be a feeling in the background while we learn to reframe the discomfort as a signal that we’re taking responsibility for our own emotions.”
Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, discussing the discomfort of setting boundaries in Real Self-Care, page 101
I’m currently facilitating conversations around The Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban to the Reframe App’s Book Club. Though we’re primarily focusing on Melissa’s writing, I had to bring this excerpt into our conversation from a different author, Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, because I LOVE how she frames dealing with guilt.
It’s just a faulty check engine light that is always there.
I wanted to add to this idea and connect this “guilt as a faulty check engine light” concept back to drinking and alcohol recovery. For years, as active problem drinkers, when we felt guilt, it often made sense. The Oxford Dictionary defines guilt as “a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation.” So when we drank and felt guilt due to our alcohol-fueled decision-making, like when we promised our loved ones we wouldn’t imbibe only to embarrass ourselves hours later, or when we said we wouldn’t drink only to drink ourselves sick and have to spend a whole Sunday recovering instead of enjoying our weekend, the guilt we felt made sense, and it was such a terrible feeling that we often were triggered to drink more to numb it.
We feel emotions in our bodies, too, so when you felt guilty all those times, where did you feel it in your body? How did it feel?
For me, it was a rapidly sinking feeling in my stomach, similar to how you feel going down on a roller coaster. That’s how I felt guilt. It is still how I feel it today. It’s a graspy type of feeling where my arms want to reach out and hold onto something to ease that internal feeling of falling.
Here’s the thing, now that you’re sober, when you practice setting boundaries, as Melissa Urban and Dr. Pooja Lakshmin state, you’re going to feel guilt, 100%. So for me, when I set a boundary, I already know I am guaranteed to feel that sensation of going down a roller coaster I just described. However it is that you feel guilt, it will come up for you too. Be prepared.
In recovery, we must understand that guilt for doing the RIGHT thing will feel the same in our bodies as when we drank. We have to pay attention to the fact that now the shift is that the guilt is not a signal that we’re doing something wrong. It’s a sign that we’re doing something right.
In The Body Keeps The Score, Bessel van der Kolk states, “In order to change, people need to become aware of their sensations and the way that their bodies interact with the world around them. Physical self-awareness is the first step in releasing the tyranny of the past.” So with that being stated, when you start to feel the guilt manifest in your tightening chest when you tell your friends you’re not drinking this weekend and that if they try to push it on you that you will leave, your tight chest is letting you know that you’re doing something right. You just have to remind yourself of that as soon as that sensation comes up.
Your brain will interpret your chest tightening and start to scream, “Something is terribly wrong here! You need to drink to avoid feeling this uncomfortable sensation!” That’s how we get triggered. You can stop and tell your brain, “I’m safe. I’m not making any bad choices. I’m setting a boundary. I hear your panic, but we’re good. I’m taking care of us. You can relax. We’re safe.”
Doing the right thing takes work. Growth is uncomfortable, but as the authors mentioned in this piece state, it’s also difficult to remain where you have been and be unhappy.
“El objetivo no es dejar de sentirse culpable, sino bajar el volumen y no dejar que la culpa controle sus decisiones. Significa ver la culpa no como una bandera roja gigante sino como una luz defectuosa de “revisar el motor”, algo que siempre está está ahí, pero funciona principalmente en segundo plano. No querrás dejar que consuma energía extra o que corras al mecánico presa del pánico. Claro, significa algo, pero no significa todo.
En otras palabras, la culpa no necesita ser nuestra brújula. Puede ser simplemente un sentimiento de fondo mientras aprendemos a reformular la incomodidad como una señal de que estamos asumiendo la responsabilidad de nuestras propias emociones”.
Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, discutiendo la incomodidad de establecer límites en Real Self-Care, página 101
Actualmente estoy facilitando conversaciones sobre El libro de los límites de Melissa Urban para el club de lectura de la aplicación Reframe. Aunque nos estamos enfocando principalmente en la escritura de Melissa, tuve que traer este extracto a nuestra conversación de una autora diferente, la Dra. Pooja Lakshmin, porque ME ENCANTA cómo enmarca lidiar con la culpa.
Es solo una luz defectuosa del motor que siempre está ahí.
Quería agregar a esta idea y conectar este concepto de “culpa como una luz de control del motor defectuosa” con la bebida y la recuperación del alcohol. Durante años, como bebedores activos con problemas, cuando nos sentíamos culpables, a menudo tenía sentido. El Diccionario de Oxford define la culpa como “un sentimiento de haber hecho algo malo o haber fallado en una obligación”. Entonces, cuando bebimos y nos sentimos culpables debido a nuestra toma de decisiones impulsada por el alcohol, como cuando prometimos a nuestros seres queridos que no beberíamos solo para avergonzarnos horas después, o cuando dijimos que no beberíamos solo para enfermarnos. y tener que pasar un domingo entero recuperándonos en lugar de disfrutar nuestro fin de semana, la culpa que sentíamos tenía sentido, y era un sentimiento tan terrible que a menudo nos incitaba a beber más para adormecerlo.
También sentimos emociones en nuestros cuerpos, así que cuando te sentiste culpable todas esas veces, ¿dónde lo sentiste en tu cuerpo? ¿Como se sintió?
Para mí, fue una sensación de hundimiento rápido en mi estómago, similar a cómo te sientes al bajar en una montaña rusa. Así fue como me sentí culpable. Todavía es como lo siento hoy. Es un tipo de sensación de agarre en la que mis brazos quieren estirarse y agarrarse a algo para aliviar esa sensación interna de caída.
Esta es la cuestión, ahora que está sobrio, cuando practique el establecimiento de límites, como afirman Melissa Urban y la Dra. Pooja Lakshmin, se sentirá culpable al 100%. Entonces, para mí, cuando establezco un límite, ya sé que tengo garantizado sentir esa sensación de bajar en una montaña rusa que acabo de describir. Sea como sea que te sientas culpable, también te surgirá a ti. Estar preparado.
En recuperación, debemos entender que la culpa por hacer lo CORRECTO se sentirá en nuestro cuerpo igual que cuando bebíamos. Tenemos que prestar atención al hecho de que ahora el cambio es que la culpa no es una señal de que estamos haciendo algo mal. Es una señal de que estamos haciendo algo bien.
En The Body Keeps The Score, Bessel van der Kolk afirma: “Para cambiar, las personas deben ser conscientes de sus sensaciones y de la forma en que sus cuerpos interactúan con el mundo que les rodea. La autoconciencia física es el primer paso para liberar la tiranía del pasado”. Entonces, dicho esto, cuando comience a sentir que la culpa se manifiesta en su pecho apretado cuando les dice a sus amigos que no beberá este fin de semana y que si intentan forzarlo, se irá, su pecho apretado está dejando sabes que algo estás haciendo bien. Solo tienes que recordártelo a ti mismo tan pronto como surja esa sensación.
Tu cerebro interpretará que tu pecho se contrae y comenzará a gritar: “¡Algo anda terriblemente mal aquí! ¡Necesitas beber para evitar sentir esta sensación incómoda!” Así es como nos disparamos. Puedes detenerte y decirle a tu cerebro: “Estoy a salvo. No estoy tomando malas decisiones. Estoy estableciendo un límite. Escucho tu pánico, pero estamos bien. Me estoy ocupando de nosotros. Tú Puedes relajarte. Estamos a salvo.
Hacer lo correcto requiere trabajo. El crecimiento es incómodo, pero como los autores mencionan en este artículo, también es difícil permanecer donde has estado y ser infeliz.
Próximas Oportunidades
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Suggestions for coming back home to yourself after a relapse/slip:
Avoid individuals or groups who make you feel like sh*t because you drank again: Those are not your people. There are people with long-term sobriety who will love you when you can’t love yourself and will welcome you back. Find them. How do you find them? Watch for how people treat others when they struggle, that will give you all the information you need for who to go to for support.
Learn from the drinking event: Either journal it or record a voice note detailing your thoughts and feelings before you drank. This is an opportunity for data collection for yourself rather than dwelling on feelings of guilt or shame. Identify the triggers or situations that contributed to your drinking and create a plan to have a different outcome in the future.
Learn about the neuroscience of addiction to make sense of why your behaviors make no sense sometimes and so you can feel less like hating yourself: “Failures in recovery-and so-called relapses-can easily be explained by the exhaustion of self-control, when now appeal (immediate rewards are always more compelling than long-term rewards) and ego fatigue (exhaustion of self-control) work together…attempts to suppress the attraction of immediate rewards amplify ego fatigue, so we give in to desires we might otherwise circumvent.” – Dr. Marc Lewis, The Biology of Desire, pages 198-199.
Ask yourself if your current level of care is enough: It’s okay to need more support than you have been utilizing. Our toolboxes sometimes require new tools. Do you need to consider a support group, a therapist, a coach, or medical assistance?
For 1:1 coaching support, set up a free consultation here.
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Sugerencias para volver después de una recaída:
Evita a las personas o grupos que te hagan sentir mal porque volviste a beber: Esas no son tu gente. Hay personas con sobriedad a largo plazo que te amarán cuando no puedas amarte a ti mismo y te darán la bienvenida de nuevo. Encuéntralos. ¿Cómo puedes encontrarlos? Esté atento a cómo las personas tratan a los demás cuando tienen dificultades, eso le dará toda la información que necesita para saber a quién acudir en busca de apoyo.
Aprenda del momento de beber: Escriba en un diario o grabe una nota de voz que detalle sus pensamientos y sentimientos antes de beber. Esta es una oportunidad para recopilar datos para usted mismo en lugar de insistir en sentimientos de culpa o vergüenza. Identifique los desencadenantes o las situaciones que contribuyeron a que bebiera y cree un plan para que pueda tener un resultado diferente en el futuro.
Aprenda sobre la neurociencia de la adicción para entender por qué sus comportamientos a veces no tienen sentido y así puede sentir menos ganas de odiarse a sí mismo: “Los fracasos en la recuperación, y las llamadas recaídas, pueden explicarse fácilmente por el agotamiento de la auto- control, cuando ahora el atractivo (las recompensas inmediatas son siempre más convincentes que las recompensas a largo plazo) y la fatiga del ego (agotamiento del autocontrol) trabajan juntos… los intentos de suprimir la atracción de las recompensas inmediatas amplifican la fatiga del ego, por lo que cedemos a deseos que de otro modo podríamos eludir”. – Dr. Marc Lewis, La biología del deseo, páginas 198-199.
Pregúntese si su nivel actual de soporte es suficiente: a veces necesita más soporte del que ha estado utilizando. ¿Necesita considerar un grupo de apoyo, un terapeuta, un coach o asistencia médica?
Para una consulta de coaching, programe una sesión gratis aquí.
I am at a conference in New Orleans, and one of the questions for discussion at a session I attended was, what cultural or family norm(s) do you need to release to survive?
My grandmother, Sofía, was a child bride who was taken from her family in Nicaragua at 14 and brought to Costa Rica. Her abuser claimed she was his daughter at the border in order to traffic her into Costa Rica, then married her there against her will. For years, he beat her as she had child after child of his. Abuela Sofía couldn’t speak up because for her to speak up was to risk her safety and that of her children. She was in a foreign country with no rights and no resources. Recognizing and advocating for her mental health needs was not an option, and the day she finally summoned the courage to take that risk, her abuser threw her and their children into the street, leaving them to survive without his support.
My mother, raised in the aftermath of my grandmother’s choice to speak up, migrated to the United States from Costa Rica years later. From my grandmother, my mother learned that speaking up for herself could lead to grave consequences, and being an undocumented and unwelcome immigrant in a foreign country where she did not speak English, she too avoided making many waves.
Most of my family who migrated to the United States followed suit. As they arrived, they carried silence with them into this country.
We did not discuss many things, mental health being a topic not up for discussion. Sure, if someone drank too much, they were labeled a “borracho” (drunk) or a “vago” (lazy person), but that was where the conversation ended, at a label: no discussion, no digging, no examination, no reflection.
So when I found myself in the throws of addiction, I continued the family tradition of silence. However, the silence was stifling, and I slowly lost my breath. I was suffocating. Silence may have worked as a tool for survival for my mother, grandmother, and the women before them, but it was killing me.
For years, I didn’t step outside of myself to examine my situation and realize that I was not in my mother’s shoes or my grandmother’s. I was born here in the United States. At the peak of my addiction, I had a job with access to medical benefits that I could use to help me treat my yearning for alcohol. No one was putting me in danger but me.
The longer I carried the weight of the cultural tradition of silence, the farther I distanced myself from help. Rapidly, I was starting to drown in the midst of my alcohol use until suddenly, in November 2020, I opened my mouth. I used my voice and stopped comparing what I needed to do to live to those before me.
I tapped into the power that my family’s silence had stifled for generations and asked for help.
I had to release the norm of silence to save my own life, and now, I’ll make it my mission to always speak openly about this journey because I know that silence can be deadly.
I narrowly opened my eyes to find a man I had never seen standing over me. I gasped as I jumped up, only to feel the rip of smoke down my throat and in my chest. Dread filled my stomach. Oh no, what did I do?
“Maam, you left your oven on, and your smoke detector’s been going off for I don’t know how long. I got the call to come in and see what was going on and see if we needed to call the fire department. It’s gonna stink in here for a while, but are you okay? I, uh, I can’t believe none of this woke you up.” The maintenance worker from my old apartment in Louisville kept eyeing the bourbon bottle lying within my arm’s reach. He knew what happened.
“Uh, yeah. I’m so embarrassed, and I’m so sorry. Am I going to get in trouble?” I asked him as I held back tears.
“Maam, that’s outside my pay grade. You take care of yourself now.” He nodded, stepped back into the hallway, and left.
I only remember that it was dark out, and the following day, I got a letter from the apartment complex’s management office informing me that if I caused another fire hazard, they would break my lease. I would have to leave immediately.
Something had to change so that I wouldn’t lose my home. Was it my drinking? I WAS drinking up to a fifth of alcohol at this point. Nah, I thought, Let me just stop trying to cook altogether so I don’t start fires. I will order food delivery instead. What???
My alcohol addiction had distorted my thinking to the point that the “obvious” solution to me not burning down my apartment complex was to stop cooking and order takeout rather than examine my relationship with alcohol. Dopamine had entirely hijacked my brain to make it believe that I needed alcohol over all things to survive, so when deciding between making food or drinking alcohol, I effectively chose to drink alcohol instead.
Some takeaways for you from this are:
If you are trapped in a spiral of poor decision-making because of dealing with addiction, I know your brain wants you to hate yourself, so you can continue to spiral and feed your addiction, but it’s not you. Neurologically, it makes sense. I recommend this brief YouTube video if you prefer watching a video over reading an entire book. It’s not you. It’s the substance you’re addicted you.
If you’re reading my story and thinking, “At least I didn’t do THAT,” remember that it’s really about any choices that you may be making that are problematic. Maybe it’s not that you’re almost causing a fire, but you’re driving, blacking out, getting sick, missing work, etc.
There is support out there. There are free programs, paid programs, mentors, sponsors, and coaches. You don’t have to go through this alone. You can reach out to me for a consultation for coaching here.
