Before I quit drinking, fear had me in its grip. It wasn’t just a passing worry—it was the invisible thread pulling every string in my life. I lived with the constant dread that my secret relationship with alcohol would be exposed, so I masked it by excelling in every other area. I was always the first to arrive at work and often the last to leave. No deadline was missed, no project detail overlooked. No matter how sick I felt from last night’s drinking, I powered through the hangovers, desperate to keep up the illusion that everything was fine. That fear—of being found out—was stronger than any withdrawal symptom.
I’ll never forget the day one of my students, Zavion, blurted out, “Ms. Dueñas, you smell like alcohol!” He said it with the carefree honesty only a middle schooler can muster, smiling as if he didn’t realize the weight of his words. I quickly turned away, my stomach knotting with anxiety, hoping he’d be distracted soon by the chaos of the classroom. While Zavion probably forgot the comment in minutes, I carried it with me, a stark reminder that I was always walking on the edge of exposure.It wasn’t until later that I realized the most dangerous part of my life wasn’t the fear of being caught—it was the fact that I was slowly killing myself in silence. I had a choice: either keep living in fear or face the truth and reclaim my life. For me, that meant going to the extreme and writing an Op-ed that went viral, spilling my truth to the world. But not everyone has to go that route.
If you’re keeping this deadly secret to yourself, know this: you don’t need to broadcast your struggles to the world, but opening up to someone can make all the difference. That one conversation could be the difference between isolation and support, between feeling lost and finding hope.You just need to tell someone—one person who can support you. That simple act can transform your journey from isolating in fear to finding real help.
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“i want to apologize to all the women i have called beautiful
before i’ve called them intelligent or brave
i am sorry i made it sound as though
something as simple as what you’re born with
is all you have to be proud of
when you have broken mountains with your wit
from now on i will say things like
you are resilient, or you are extraordinary
not because i don’t think you’re beautiful
but because i need you to know
you are more than that”
― Rupi Kaur
Confidence is not something I was born with, nor was it something I was taught to have. Growing up, the message I received—both at home and from society—was clear: as a little girl with a complicated relationship with food, I was only acceptable if I was thin. From a young age, I found myself in a relentless battle with my body, constantly trying to mold it into something it wasn’t.
As a young woman, I took drastic measures, undergoing weight loss surgery in the hopes that it would finally give me the self-esteem I desperately craved. I believed that if I could fit into the narrow box defined by societal standards, confidence would naturally follow, and life would become easier.
But reality had other plans. Food had always been my comfort, and after the surgery, when food was no longer an option, alcohol quickly took its place as my go-to escape from life’s stressors. My body changed, but my mindset did not. I hadn’t done the internal work needed to believe I was worthy, and despite the weight loss, I remained trapped in a cycle of self-doubt, still feeling not good enough.
This mindset led me to settle into unhealthy romantic relationships. I would tell myself things like, “What if Keith is the best I could do?” even after catching him with another woman. Or, “Maybe Matthew will do better this time,” ignoring the fact that Matthew knew better all along but chose not to change.
The shame surrounding my growing addiction to alcohol kept me silent, further cementing the false belief that I was not enough. Even though I earned accolades like being named the 2019 Kentucky State Teacher of the Year and the 2019 Woman of the Year in the Louisville community, these honors meant nothing when I looked in the mirror.
It wasn’t until I found the courage to let myself be fully seen—owning the fact that I was a woman battling alcohol addiction—that my confidence and self-esteem began to blossom. Speaking openly about my addiction not only led me to the resources I needed to get and stay sober, but it also gave me the strength to walk away from anything that didn’t serve me—jobs, relationships, and any space where I didn’t belong.
I finally understood that I didn’t need to force myself to fit into any mold—whether it was a societal expectation or a toxic relationship. With the clarity that comes from an unclouded mind, the old narratives lost their power.
Embracing my recovery from addiction became the foundation for building my confidence and self-esteem.
Reflect: What do you need to foster your confidence and let it grow?
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I recently came across a powerful message from Dr. Nicole LePera (you can follow her on Instagram) that I shared with a group of sober women. Here it is:
Reminder for recovering “good girls:”
You can stand up for yourself and let someone know you won’t tolerate certain behaviors.
When someone is rude, you don’t need to laugh it off or pretend it’s okay.
“I don’t find that funny” lets people know that joke didn’t work for you.
You’re not too sensitive because you express how you feel.
If someone doesn’t accept your answer, it’s not a cue to keep explaining. It’s a sign they don’t respect boundaries.
While all these points are important, I want to focus on the first one about standing up for yourself.
At a doctor’s appointment this week, a medical assistant went to take my vitals. I noticed the blood pressure cuff she was using was too small for my arm and mentioned it. She dismissed my concern, saying it was fine. When the reading came back high, I knew something was wrong since my blood pressure has been normal since quitting drinking. I spoke up, insisting by saying, “I need my blood pressure taken with a cuff that fits my arm. That is not my blood pressure. I check it myself in the mornings at home.” After some reluctance, she found a larger cuff and retook my blood pressure, which then showed a normal reading.
This experience reminded me that medical professionals, despite their expertise, are human and can make mistakes, making it crucial to be an active participant in our own care, rather than just a passive recipient.
Before sobriety, I often let others dictate what happened next in our interactions, even if it wasn’t what I wanted. My secret addiction to alcohol made me feel unworthy of defending myself. Convinced that I didn’t deserve protection, whether it was with family, friends, romantic partners, or even in medical settings, I let others’ voices override my own.
Recovery has helped clear the fog that once clouded my mind, allowing me to reconnect with my body and find my voice. Sobriety empowers us to actively participate in our interactions, whether with loved ones, colleagues, or professionals. It helps us listen to and trust ourselves again.
Remember, your voice matters, and you have the right to stand up for yourself.
Reflect: How has standing up for yourself evolved? Is this a strength of yours or is this something you are still working on?
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It’s a common worry: “I don’t want to be left out because I don’t drink,” or “If I skip happy hour or a boozy meal, will I stop getting invited altogether?” Many people face these thoughts when they’re changing their relationship with alcohol but still want to socialize with friends who drink.
A person who is strong in their recovery can go anywhere and be fine, but the question remains: how do you know if you’re ready to accept an invite like this?
This week, I had the opportunity to go to a dinner filled with belly laughs with my colleagues who drink, and this was how I knew I would be fine.
Whoever you are breaking bread with should know you’re not drinking. When you’re navigating social events while maintaining sobriety, it’s crucial to let someone in the group know that you’re not drinking. They don’t need to know your full story or personal traumas, but having at least one trusted soul in that group aware of your choice provides a sense of accountability and support. For example, my colleagues knew from the moment I walked into my job interview that I wanted to model recovery for college students. They know alcohol is not an option for me, period. While my situation and how open I am about my story is unique, the principle remains: you can’t do this alone, and someone should be aware of your decision not to drink. If you don’t feel safe communicating a plan to not drink to at least one person in the group, maybe you’re not ready to say yes.
Examine your attitude about people who do still drink. When you see others drinking, do you feel a longing for what they are having? Or is there some rage that rises up in you where you want to cry and scream at the world, shaking your fist as you bellow, “It’s not fair that I can’t drink?”
If seeing others drink makes you yearn for what they’re having or fills you with resentment, it might be best to decline the invitation until you’re more secure in your sobriety. Recovery isn’t always sunshine and rainbows, but if you struggle to recognize that your relationship with alcohol is not the same as your peers, and you feel a strong desire to drink, protect yourself and stay home until you feel stronger.
On the other hand, have you seen the light now that you’re sober and wish sobriety on everyone? Is it nearly impossible to wrap your mind around the fact that people you know still ingest this poison into their bodies? If your sobriety has made you want to preach its benefits to that friend as they get ready to consume a flight of shots, and you find it hard to understand why others still drink, it’s also wise to stay home. Recovery is your journey; what others do with their bodies is their business. Social events are not the place to silently judge or try to convert others. Remember, at some point, you were in their shoes. Gifting myself moments of joy with my colleagues was only possible because I focused on enjoying their company and humor without judgment.
Have an exit strategy. Just as my teammates knew I wouldn’t be drinking, they also knew I wouldn’t be out late. Giving yourself permission to leave whenever you’re ready alleviates the pressure of ignoring your body’s signals when it’s tired. Stressing your body increases the risk of wanting to drink, so it’s important to honor your limits and exit when you need to.
Accept that you’re on this path, which will look different from others’ journeys. Acknowledge that you’ll need to order a water, choose from the mocktail section of the menu, or ask for an alcohol-free version of a cocktail. Any awkwardness that may come from advocating for your unique needs is well worth waking up the next day without worrying about what you did the night before. I wasn’t born to be just like everyone else, so when I start to worry about standing out, I remind myself that I wasn’t meant to conform in the first place—neither were you. When you join sobriety support group communities, including spaces like The Luckiest Club, where I host meetings, you get to see that you aren’t alone.
Ultimately, everyone finds their readiness for certain experiences at different times, if ever. Maybe you have zero desire to partake in a social event where alcohol is served, or maybe you don’t feel ready yet. Wherever you are, it’s fine. You grow at the pace that’s meant for you, not on someone else’s timeline.
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This guest submission comes from one of my Writing to Heal students, where participants find the courage to heal by facing their stories, often for the first time. I am deeply grateful to Jorgie for his vulnerability and so proud of the growth in his writing from Week 1 to Week 6 of our program.
Content Warning: Physical Violence and Language.
A truth I learned about myself while working with my therapist, is that I was addicted to “codependency”, and nobody could tell me shit otherwise. I was heavily relying on my relationship with my ex-partner and people throughout my life, so my therapist explained to me, “People (Bodies), Places (Alcohol), and Things (Pills) were “wants” of mine, not “needs.” My assumption was that as long as I was in school and working that, I was doing ok, and that my societal expectations were being met. My needing assistance is ok if I need help and support from my family and friends, not be an “Emotional Vampire” and drain the life forces from the people that I love and care about. Afterward, I started to take responsibility for the actions that I had always avoided. Through sobriety, I was more “Present,” and my awareness heightened, and I was able to think more clearly and not depend on Alcohol and Pills for escapism and avoidance.
Codependency started blooming from childhood because even though I had a roof over my head, sometimes, with the chaos at home, the roof would constantly shatter over my head, shake the walls, and I always hid from loudness. My parents fought constantly; my dad would hit my mom, pinch her, and pull her hair, and in retaliation, my mom would explode with rage and break dishes in the house. The screaming and the sounds of flesh hitting flesh caused huge knots in my stomach, that is, until this day, whenever I hear loudness, my sensors go up. I hid, avoided, and exploded. My parents loved me, unfortunately they did not have the resources and coping skills for communication, embrace and peace due to Intergenerational trauma passed down from my grandparents and my great grandparents.
Every time there was chaos in the house, I always ran into my bedroom, jumped on the bed, forced my face down on the pillow, and sobbed. Consciously I went in there to hide because it was the only door in the house with a lock on it and a big bed to keep me afloat and protect me like a fortress from violence. The knots in my gut that were corralling around like vines with thorns on it, made my stomach so heavy, it was like swallowing a bowling ball, the heaviness would not go away, until the fights subsided. It was like my throat was dry as the desert, could not swallow, forcefully exhaling my breaths out of my cracked quaky lips which only stayed lubricated from my tears rolling down my cheeks. I was a “Professional Hider” with my heavy breathing and uncontrollable sobbing, while the background noise continued with my parents screaming, yelling, fighting, dishes breaking, and empty threats.
As I got older, I became an “Emotional Vampire”. The chaos that ensued at home did not fill me with love, only dread. Everyone within my proximity, I would suck their energy like a mosquito, and not getting enough blood. If they did not answer the phone, I would give them hell. If they did not answer my text messages I would ignore them for days, even weeks. Being alone and in my thoughts, I absolutely could not do it, so I always bombarded my friends with phone calls to hang out, get high, drunk, and numb out. If my friends did not meet my expectations to hang out or even talk, they would meet the “Brown Eyed Bitch”. Even though they loved me, they just found me relentless and exhausting and would ignore me. I will show them!
The Brown Eyed Bitch (BEB) was the life of the party; everyone always needed Jorgie at the party to hype it up, twerk upside down, vomit and be a hot damn mess. Like two sides of a coin, there was the “Jorgie” side, and the “BEB” side. If I called a friend and they did not answer, beware if I leave a voicemail, “Oh so you did not answer your phone? Ok! I see how it is, Celebrity! Let me ask you, are you on an EGOT? Do you have an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar or Tony? I don’t think so so why didn’t you pick up the fucking phone?!” If the BEB texted, and there was no response, then it becomes…
“Hello?”
“Are you there?”
“So now you’re ignoring me?
“Ok watch!”
“Wait until I see you”
“Bitch”
“Love you!”
If my friends could not fill my love tank, then “bodies” would. So I started to randomly hook up with strangers online, and on blind first dates, that just led to Blackout Sex. The embrace, hugs, and kisses that I did not get from home, I would look for complete strangers who would fill me up, never see them again, and move on to the next one. It was not until I went on a blind date that finally, a spark was formed when I met my future partner, when we went to the movies to see Inception. We really enjoyed each other’s company, so we went on many more dates, and ended up together for the next 12 years. Unfortunately, towards the end of the relationship, we were both drinking and using, and what I saw in my parents as a child was now something I did with my partner. The yelling, slapping, kicking, disagreements, it was like a cycle of violence all over again into my adulthood.
In the beginning, we were goo goo gaga for each other, love at first sight, the perfect couple. Finally, I felt at peace in my life, and I had a life I could share with someone,spend the rest of my life with, and create a future together. Unfortunately, we found a hobby together, which was drinking. We drank everyday, then one day my partner gave me a pain pill, and my life drastically changed from there. I was hooked, it was like no other feeling I ever felt, and I needed more. Those feelings intensified, so when my partner was not looking I would go into their bag and steal their pills. Finally completing my trifecta of: body, alcohol and pills, I was set, and my life was like that for the whole relationship with my partner at the time. Avoided my family, no Communication with my friends, and Exploded with fury at my partner.
To understand the demise of our relationship is for me to explain how it comes crumbling down piece by piece, until it was glass shattered all over us, that we were cut with each blade, and we had scars all over of our body, and yet we were both in denial that “everything is OK”. In the Beginning of our relationship, I felt like I was floating on air, I was happy all the time like a kid at the Amusement park, the joy, endless conversations that made me feel like finally I was not alone. Unfortunately, alcohol came into the picture, and we were always arguing, sometimes I could not even stand their ass, and wanted them out of my sight. Like a gnat that was in my face, and I wanted to smack the shit out of it and get it the hell away from me! Our conversations would be filled with such love and care. The beginning of our wonderful partnership was like….
“Hi babe, how was your day?”
“I miss you”
“I love you”
“Let’s go have dinner, where would you like to go?”
Drastically, over time, the relationship was crumbling; we were drinking daily, and the BEB was more present than Jorgie.
“Hey did you fold the laundry?”
“Did you take the dogs out?”
“Did you clean up the dog shit?”
“Yeah let’s go eat and get it over with”.
On June 5, 2022, my ex of 12 years kicked me out of our shared Townhouse. Months later, I would send them a text saying, “Thank you for doing that; you kicking me out was doing me the biggest favor, and I am sober now”.” I know deep deep deep down in my heart that if I stayed in that relationship I would not be sober. My therapist asked me “What would happen if you stayed in that relationship?” I said, “I would be dead”. Now I am 2 years sober, and it is one of my greatest accomplishments that I have ever done for myself, by myself.
On June 6, 2022, I moved back in with my family; they opened their arms and welcomed me back home to heal, detox, and recover. Fortunately, this time back home, I informed my family members that I had boundaries; I was still in recovery and currently medicated. My mom spoke to my dad and told him that I needed my space and that any disagreements between them should be resolved on their own and not get me involved like a referee when I was just a child. What I did a lot as a child, though, turned me into a Voracious Reader as an Adult, and it was not until I found “QuitLit,” which is interpreted as (Literature of Quitting Drinking), that I began to dive into the readings, journaling, and self-reflections. I felt less alone and connected with other people online and on social media. Afterwards, I decided to seek out a therapist, and it has been vital to my growth and mental health. Reconnecting with my Family (Repairing the damages done to each other many years ago, through support and communication), reading, community, and therapy are the glorious components that have kept me sober. Taking it one day at a time, it is not easy, but I keep going.
About the author, Jorgie: I’m a kindergarten teacher who’s been an educator for 16 years. I am two years sober, and proud of it. I like to do writing on the side, and have two dogs and one cat.
Jorgie has recently created a Substack to continue to share his work, and you can follow him on Instagram here. His IG stories are so fun to follow!
“It’s not about feeling better. It’s about getting better at feeling.”
– Dr. Gabor Maté
Just a little over twenty-four hours ago, as I said goodbye to my family in Costa Rica at the San José airport, I felt a shift in my body, releasing gentle sobs. My partner, his mother, his son, and I had just cleared airport security, concluding a whirlwind week in Costa Rica. This trip, filled with emotional highs and lows, began with the sudden and heartbreaking death of my eldest sister, Sandra, on Friday, the 24th.
My eldest sister, Sandra.
She passed away just an hour after we arrived.
Last Friday, my brother-in-law, Toti, who has been married to my second oldest sister, Lorena, since before I was born, picked us up and informed me that Sandra was “delicada” (delicate). I had noticed her silence in our “Hermanas” WhatsApp group chat over the previous few days and had promised myself I’d check in on her as soon as we got to Costa Rica.
“Y puedo ir a ver a Sandra?” I asked. “Can I go see Sandra?”
“No, vieras es que está delicada, y nadie puede entrar a verla.” Toti responded tenderly, explaining that she was in medical isolation due to her condition.
A familiar sinking feeling settled in my stomach. By now, I’ve experienced enough loss to recognize that sensation, the one that tells me something is profoundly wrong even before I have all the evidence.
My body knows when I’m about to lose someone before I do, and over time, I’ve learned to understand this intuitive language. When she warns me of an approaching loss, I cocoon myself in the reminder that there’s nothing I can’t face. So when Lorena called me within the hour to notify me of Sandra’s passing, I knew I was safe to feel the shattering blow.
A younger version of me would have been terrified to cry in front of strangers, especially in the middle of a coffee shop, where I was when I received the news. I would have fought the tears and tried to hold them back. Instead, I let my chest heave with sobs and let the tears flow freely. I allowed myself to feel the unfairness of losing my sister at 66 when many of our elders have lived well into their 80s. I cried for her husband, who has been with her since they were teens. They were supposed to grow old together—y ahora qué? And I cried for my mother, who, at 85, shouldn’t have to say goodbye to her child.
With my sisters and mom. Possibly around 2015.
Grief reminds us of all the “shoulds” and “supposed tos” that are shattered by the reality that we can’t control outcomes.
In Costa Rica, funeral services and mass are held within 24 hours of a person’s passing. So I paused my trip with my partner’s family to attend my sister’s services. One of the most moving moments was when my niece, Alexa, Sandra’s youngest, shared beautiful remarks in remembrance of her mother. She spoke of her mom being reunited with loved ones who had long departed and said she knew her mom was dancing to Cuban music in a heavenly space with my dad.
Though we had different fathers, my dad entered my Costa Rican sisters’ lives shortly after my mom came to the United States. He always helped my mom support her children left in Costa Rica. Papi was loved, especially for his generous heart and of course, love of dancing. So to hear his name called upon at my sister’s funeral moved me SO much.
At Playa Negra in Limón, Costa Rica.
For the rest of the week, I traveled with my partner’s family, introducing them to my family’s culture and letting them see me. There were times I needed breaks, times I needed to cry, times I needed to ground myself in the sand or sit in the rain. Two things can be true at once: I could travel to a country that holds so many precious memories for me and share it with others, while also feeling the familiar sensation of grief in my body.
I feel it daily—for my father, Ian, my little bean lost in January, and now, Sandra.
Sobriety allows me to move through all the feelings, even conflicting ones, without self-judgment.
There is no right way to grieve.
Playa Piuta. Limón, Costa Rica.
Reflect: In moments like these, how do you navigate grief and the rest of everyday life? Feel free to email me at jessica@bottomlesstosober.com and share your thoughts and experiences.
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When my patience was pushed to its limits by a friend who saw the glass perpetually half empty, I stumbled upon a profound truth about standing firm in who you are. That’s what this episode is all about: peeling back the layers to be our authentic selves and find the places where we belong without pretense.
00:02 – Jessica Dueñas (Host) Hey y’all, welcome to another episode of Bottomless to Sober. So for today I wanted to talk about the quote, or a quote, by Brene Brown that really resonated with me, and she wrote true belonging doesn’t require that we change who we are. It requires that we be who we are. I’ll say it again True, belonging doesn’t require that we change who we are. It requires that we be who we are. Now you might already have heard that and, like your brain might already be saying like no, jess, being myself can turn people off from me, and then I’ll feel isolated and that’s definitely not a sense of belonging. Trust me, I hear you. It’s a common struggle and it’s a common concern. But here’s what I believe Authenticity will not lead you to belong among people who are wrong for you If someone can’t tolerate the discomfort that you being yourself brings to them, discomfort that you being yourself brings to them. Or, let’s say, their values are so misaligned with yours that you never can agree on important matters. And when I say important, I mean the shit that really counts, right? I’m not saying you know, debating pizza toppings, right, even though I might have to unfriend you if you are anti pineapple. But besides the point, right, like if, when it comes down to serious, important things, you and this person cannot see eye to eye on anything, it might be worth exploring. If that person or those people are right for you, why force yourself to sit at a table that was never meant for you? Maybe your table is elsewhere or maybe it’s time to create a new one for others to.
01:45 For example, there was someone in my life right, and this person was great at identifying problems. They, if you went to a restaurant, they would find a problem with everything. Be rude to the server. If you traveled with them, they would have an issue with people. Complaints right, very confrontational, and then when they were offered an alternative or there was an attempt to deescalate a situation say, on my end, they were not necessarily willing to look at what else could be true, look at what some of their other choices were right. There was just always a complaint about something. There was always a possible confrontation and they just, frankly, they were not interested in hearing alternatives.
02:26 And I realized that that was actually starting to become a drain on me, and so when I pointed it out to this person, they turned around and told me that I was being, I guess, toxically positive, that I was embodying toxic positivity basically, which, for any of you who don’t know what that means, my definition of it. So you should Google it. But my version of the definition is just that someone who embraces or embodies toxic positivity will never look at the multiple perspectives. They will never even consider the downside of something. They’re just so firm on everything being sunshine and rainbows that they’re basically in denial, right and so obviously that can be really toxic and that can be very unhealthy, because you’re denying real valid experiences, and I mean that’s not me. So the point is, when this person called me that, at that point I recognized like wow, we really are too different and we really do approach life’s problems in entirely different manners, and to the point where, when this person is potentially getting into confrontations and altercations with other people, it’s starting to affect me.
03:38 So I sought space from this person and then I eventually realized that I didn’t really care to rekindle the friendship because of the way in which they were carrying themselves. And that’s okay. Right Now, again, you might be listening to this and your thought might be well, geez, I mean, in that case, being authentic can hurt someone else’s feelings and then they’re getting upset with me, like how could I possibly be honest, how could I possibly be real without hurting others’ feelings? Honest, how could I possibly be real without hurting others’ feelings? Right, and here here’s the thing. Like I’d be curious about what kind of hurt feelings you’re talking about, because we can be true to ourselves without tearing others down.
04:24 For example, going back to this friend, you know, after they said that I embodied toxic positivity, I didn’t like go and curse them out and say like, excuse me, what the hell did you just say to me, you negative, ass, miserable, ass person? I didn’t say that, why not? Because that wouldn’t have been helpful, that wouldn’t have been productive, right? Like we don’t need to be called names, we don’t need to be called labels, that’s not helpful. So instead, I don’t remember word for word what I did say, but I did say like hey, first of all, like you know, I’m in recovery and it’s important for me to like intentionally recognize different perspectives, cause if I just stay in a negative mindset for too long, I’m going to be putting myself at risk for drinking.
05:00 So I can’t afford to live in the negative, even when things are bad. I can’t afford to only see that I can see it for some time. I can hold space for the negativity, but I can’t live in it and I can’t stay in it. I have to go through it, right, like anybody who’s listening to this. If you’re in recovery, you know that we can’t live in negativity, we can’t live in the down emotions. We can sit there for a little bit, we can hold space for it, but that can’t become our home, and so that’s basically what I said to this person.
05:32 I was like when you said that I exude toxic positivity, that hurts because I don’t see the world from a blindly positive perspective. I have to recognize that everything isn’t terrible, that everything isn’t terrible all the time. I just can’t. So the way that you insist on only looking at things from a negative perspective, that’s affecting me and I need a break. And so they were respectful of it, right, like, yes, I could tell that they were hurt, but they, we moved on, we created that space and, like I said, we never really rekindled the friendship and that’s okay, right. Like I know that they have their friends, I have my friends, all is good. But this leads me to my point of being authentic, and you know, quote unquote hurting others, the only context where I can imagine your authenticity.
06:28 Hurting someone else is when you’re setting a boundary that they don’t like. Right, because, unless you’re being intentionally hurtful, the only reason that they’re being hurt there is because they’re being now denied a certain type of access to you. Right, boundary setting, setting a limit, creating some space that can happen as a result of practicing authenticity. But again, let’s be clear disappointing someone with a limit, with a boundary, by creating space or asking for space, that is not the same thing as tearing someone down. Right, being true to ourselves doesn’t require us to inflict pain on others. You know, like, we’ve all seen them. You know the people who they claim to be honest or real when they’re just actually being hurtful, and it’s usually like, well, I’m real, and so now I’m going to say something that’s really mean and hurtful and like degrading to you. That’s not being real, that’s being an ass. Right, we can be honest without intentionally causing harm to others. We can be authentic without intentionally causing harm to others.
07:34 So, with that said, what if we adopted the perspective that belonging is about being authentic? How would our approach to others change if we fully embraced our true selves? Right, like, where might we find ourselves fitting in. You got to think about it. If we embraced our true selves, we might start finding spaces and communities that genuinely resonate with us. We might create stronger, more meaningful connections with people who truly get us, and we might stop wasting time and energy trying to fit into places where we were never meant to be in in the first place.
08:09 Belonging isn’t about fitting in. It’s about finding or creating the spaces where we can show up as our true selves. It’s about being accepted as we are, not as who we think we need to be. When we stop pretending and start embracing our true selves, we invite others to do the same and we create a ripple effect of authenticity and belonging. So what I would love for you to do?
08:34 Right, take a moment today at some point and reflect on where you feel the most authenticity. Right, where do you get that true sense of belonging? And if you don’t feel that yet, that’s okay. Right, but what is a step that you can take to move closer to that reality? Maybe you do need to set a boundary. Maybe you do need to find a new community. Maybe you just need to be more honest with yourself or with someone else. So, thank you for listening so much today. I hope that this little conversation myself with myself has inspired you to again just think about who your true self is. Seek out spaces where you can truly belong. Remember you don’t need to change who you are. If someone does not like who you are, it is not a you problem, it is a them problem, it’s their issue. So until next time, stay true to you and I’ll catch you on the next episode.
I came across a quote by Dr. Brené Brown that really resonated with me, and I felt moved to share it here: “True belonging doesn’t require that we change who we are. It requires that we be who we are.”
You might already have a little voice in your head saying, “But Jessica, being myself led me to be outed from a space and actually made me feel isolated and not a sense of belonging!”
I believe that authenticity will not lead you to belong among people who are wrong for you. If people can’t tolerate the discomfort your true self brings or if their values are so misaligned with yours that you never agree on important matters (not like debating pizza toppings, though I might have to unfriend you if you’re anti-pineapple), it might be worth exploring if those people are right for you. Why force yourself to sit at a table that was never meant for you? Maybe your table is elsewhere, or you can create a new one for others to join.
Now, that little voice might come back and counter with, “But Jess, sometimes being authentic hurts others’ feelings, and they get upset with me. How can I be real without hurting others?”
I’m curious about what kind of “hurt” feelings you’re referring to because we can be true to ourselves without tearing others down. The only context where I can imagine authenticity hurting someone is when setting a boundary that someone doesn’t like, and they feel hurt because they’re being denied a certain type of access to you. Boundary setting can happen as a result of practicing authenticity, but let’s be clear: disappointing someone with a limit isn’t the same as tearing someone down. Being true to ourselves doesn’t require us to inflict pain on others. I’ve encountered people who claim to be “honest” or “real” when they’re actually just being hurtful. We can be honest without intentionally causing harm to others.
So, with that said, what if we adopted the perspective that belonging is about being authentic? How would our approach to others change if we fully embraced our true selves? Where might we find ourselves fitting in?
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I really wish I had a camera was a thought that lived in my mind the entire time I was at one of the treatment facilities I stayed at in 2020.
I spent five weeks in this facility, and though my memory of my arrival there is spotty, there are several snapshot moments of this experience I hope I never forget.
This is one of them.
“Karaoke? Here in a rehab? No way. You’ve gotta be kidding me.” I laughed while chatting with my friend Andy. Andy is this massive 6’5″ radiant personality I still get to text with to this day. We were in line for lunch at the cafeteria after finishing one of our group therapy sessions. There were eager murmurs among fellow residents that one of the staff members said she would bring in a mic and speaker set if we, the people who miraculously hadn’t killed themselves in recent weeks, were willing to do karaoke during her shift supervising us on Friday night.
It was early summer in 2020. After flipping my car upside down on Bardstown Road in Louisville, KY, I ended up in this treatment facility. The idea of going from barely wanting to be alive to singing into a mic in front of other people without a single drop of alcohol in my body was wild. I mean, I had to be locked away in a treatment facility because I couldn’t bring myself to stop drinking safely. Now, these people want to get me to sing along to a song on a microphone?
So many thoughts ran through my mind in response to this idea: What if I’m not fun to others and I just bore them? I’m not good enough to get up in front of others and just be. I like my singing voice, but I’m scared it’s not good enough to be a strong voice and that I can’t be silly enough to be comically bad for karaoke. Is there even such a thing as fun without alcohol? I’d like to watch others try. I love karaoke, but me? Sober? I’ll have to pass.
As we sat down to eat, Danielle, the staff member the buzz was about, approached our table. As usual, she was beaming, “Did y’all hear about karaoke on Friday? You ready, Jess?” She looked me in the eyes and smiled, which slowed the racing panic of my detoxing brain.
Danielle always put me at ease because her lived experience instilled hope that this repetitive cycle I found myself in would one day stop. In Drowning in Shallow Water: Chapter 1, I share how I learned that Danielle had also lost her partner to a drug overdose. Despite this loss, she was sober and working with others. Danielle gave me hope that I could find joy and love after losing my boyfriend, Ian. Her lived experience and confidence in how she conducted herself made me think, Maybe I can try this karaoke thing on Friday night.
I turned my face to Danielle, smiled while hesitantly shrugging my shoulders, and said, “I really don’t want to do it, but since you’re putting it together, Danielle, I’ll try it.”
“You won’t regret this, Jess!” Danielle declared.
And dammit, she was right.
On Friday night, Danielle came in for her shift. She decorated the residential lounge area, turned the overhead lights off, and connected her karaoke machine to her phone. As the music started playing and I felt the bass of the music vibrate a little bit, the sensory experiences began to take me back. The thumping with the darkness and the flashing lights from the machine took me back to being at a bar or club.
But I wasn’t at the club. I was in treatment.
One of the younger residents, Elly, got up to do a song. In our therapy groups, she was often disengaged and rarely used her voice. I assumed she did not want to take up space, so I remember my curiosity when I saw her awkwardly standing before us, her hand on the mic and the other on her hip. We waited for what felt like ages, and then the words came. Elly took a deep breath, closed her eyes, gripped the microphone with both hands and came to life.
I wish I could remember the song, but I don’t. Honestly, it doesn’t matter. What mattered was that Elly was freed beyond the walls of the treatment facility in those few moments. As she danced and performed as if she was on stage somewhere else, I elbowed Andy next to me, and I held up my hands as though I was holding up a real camera and took a snapshot of Elly.
So, what happened afterward?
After letting herself be seen, Elly started to speak up more in groups. And me? I did eventually sing, too, just not on that day. 🙂
On the left, me doing karaoke in my active addiction. On the right, karaoke sober.
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“The goal is not to stop feeling guilty, but instead, to turn down the volume and not let guilt control your decisions. It means seeing the guilt not as a giant red flag but as a faulty “check engine” light–something that’s always there but operates primarily in the background. You don’t want to let it take up extra energy or have you running to the mechanic in a panic. Sure, it means something–but it doesn’t mean everything.
In other words, guilt does not need to be our compass. It can just be a feeling in the background while we learn to reframe the discomfort as a signal that we’re taking responsibility for our own emotions.”
Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, discussing the discomfort of setting boundaries in Real Self-Care, page 101
I’m currently facilitating conversations around The Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban to the Reframe App’s Book Club. Though we’re primarily focusing on Melissa’s writing, I had to bring this excerpt into our conversation from a different author, Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, because I LOVE how she frames dealing with guilt.
It’s just a faulty check engine light that is always there.
I wanted to add to this idea and connect this “guilt as a faulty check engine light” concept back to drinking and alcohol recovery. For years, as active problem drinkers, when we felt guilt, it often made sense. The Oxford Dictionary defines guilt as “a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation.” So when we drank and felt guilt due to our alcohol-fueled decision-making, like when we promised our loved ones we wouldn’t imbibe only to embarrass ourselves hours later, or when we said we wouldn’t drink only to drink ourselves sick and have to spend a whole Sunday recovering instead of enjoying our weekend, the guilt we felt made sense, and it was such a terrible feeling that we often were triggered to drink more to numb it.
We feel emotions in our bodies, too, so when you felt guilty all those times, where did you feel it in your body? How did it feel?
For me, it was a rapidly sinking feeling in my stomach, similar to how you feel going down on a roller coaster. That’s how I felt guilt. It is still how I feel it today. It’s a graspy type of feeling where my arms want to reach out and hold onto something to ease that internal feeling of falling.
Here’s the thing, now that you’re sober, when you practice setting boundaries, as Melissa Urban and Dr. Pooja Lakshmin state, you’re going to feel guilt, 100%. So for me, when I set a boundary, I already know I am guaranteed to feel that sensation of going down a roller coaster I just described. However it is that you feel guilt, it will come up for you too. Be prepared.
In recovery, we must understand that guilt for doing the RIGHT thing will feel the same in our bodies as when we drank. We have to pay attention to the fact that now the shift is that the guilt is not a signal that we’re doing something wrong. It’s a sign that we’re doing something right.
In The Body Keeps The Score, Bessel van der Kolk states, “In order to change, people need to become aware of their sensations and the way that their bodies interact with the world around them. Physical self-awareness is the first step in releasing the tyranny of the past.” So with that being stated, when you start to feel the guilt manifest in your tightening chest when you tell your friends you’re not drinking this weekend and that if they try to push it on you that you will leave, your tight chest is letting you know that you’re doing something right. You just have to remind yourself of that as soon as that sensation comes up.
Your brain will interpret your chest tightening and start to scream, “Something is terribly wrong here! You need to drink to avoid feeling this uncomfortable sensation!” That’s how we get triggered. You can stop and tell your brain, “I’m safe. I’m not making any bad choices. I’m setting a boundary. I hear your panic, but we’re good. I’m taking care of us. You can relax. We’re safe.”
Doing the right thing takes work. Growth is uncomfortable, but as the authors mentioned in this piece state, it’s also difficult to remain where you have been and be unhappy.
“El objetivo no es dejar de sentirse culpable, sino bajar el volumen y no dejar que la culpa controle sus decisiones. Significa ver la culpa no como una bandera roja gigante sino como una luz defectuosa de “revisar el motor”, algo que siempre está está ahí, pero funciona principalmente en segundo plano. No querrás dejar que consuma energía extra o que corras al mecánico presa del pánico. Claro, significa algo, pero no significa todo.
En otras palabras, la culpa no necesita ser nuestra brújula. Puede ser simplemente un sentimiento de fondo mientras aprendemos a reformular la incomodidad como una señal de que estamos asumiendo la responsabilidad de nuestras propias emociones”.
Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, discutiendo la incomodidad de establecer límites en Real Self-Care, página 101
Actualmente estoy facilitando conversaciones sobre El libro de los límites de Melissa Urban para el club de lectura de la aplicación Reframe. Aunque nos estamos enfocando principalmente en la escritura de Melissa, tuve que traer este extracto a nuestra conversación de una autora diferente, la Dra. Pooja Lakshmin, porque ME ENCANTA cómo enmarca lidiar con la culpa.
Es solo una luz defectuosa del motor que siempre está ahí.
Quería agregar a esta idea y conectar este concepto de “culpa como una luz de control del motor defectuosa” con la bebida y la recuperación del alcohol. Durante años, como bebedores activos con problemas, cuando nos sentíamos culpables, a menudo tenía sentido. El Diccionario de Oxford define la culpa como “un sentimiento de haber hecho algo malo o haber fallado en una obligación”. Entonces, cuando bebimos y nos sentimos culpables debido a nuestra toma de decisiones impulsada por el alcohol, como cuando prometimos a nuestros seres queridos que no beberíamos solo para avergonzarnos horas después, o cuando dijimos que no beberíamos solo para enfermarnos. y tener que pasar un domingo entero recuperándonos en lugar de disfrutar nuestro fin de semana, la culpa que sentíamos tenía sentido, y era un sentimiento tan terrible que a menudo nos incitaba a beber más para adormecerlo.
También sentimos emociones en nuestros cuerpos, así que cuando te sentiste culpable todas esas veces, ¿dónde lo sentiste en tu cuerpo? ¿Como se sintió?
Para mí, fue una sensación de hundimiento rápido en mi estómago, similar a cómo te sientes al bajar en una montaña rusa. Así fue como me sentí culpable. Todavía es como lo siento hoy. Es un tipo de sensación de agarre en la que mis brazos quieren estirarse y agarrarse a algo para aliviar esa sensación interna de caída.
Esta es la cuestión, ahora que está sobrio, cuando practique el establecimiento de límites, como afirman Melissa Urban y la Dra. Pooja Lakshmin, se sentirá culpable al 100%. Entonces, para mí, cuando establezco un límite, ya sé que tengo garantizado sentir esa sensación de bajar en una montaña rusa que acabo de describir. Sea como sea que te sientas culpable, también te surgirá a ti. Estar preparado.
En recuperación, debemos entender que la culpa por hacer lo CORRECTO se sentirá en nuestro cuerpo igual que cuando bebíamos. Tenemos que prestar atención al hecho de que ahora el cambio es que la culpa no es una señal de que estamos haciendo algo mal. Es una señal de que estamos haciendo algo bien.
En The Body Keeps The Score, Bessel van der Kolk afirma: “Para cambiar, las personas deben ser conscientes de sus sensaciones y de la forma en que sus cuerpos interactúan con el mundo que les rodea. La autoconciencia física es el primer paso para liberar la tiranía del pasado”. Entonces, dicho esto, cuando comience a sentir que la culpa se manifiesta en su pecho apretado cuando les dice a sus amigos que no beberá este fin de semana y que si intentan forzarlo, se irá, su pecho apretado está dejando sabes que algo estás haciendo bien. Solo tienes que recordártelo a ti mismo tan pronto como surja esa sensación.
Tu cerebro interpretará que tu pecho se contrae y comenzará a gritar: “¡Algo anda terriblemente mal aquí! ¡Necesitas beber para evitar sentir esta sensación incómoda!” Así es como nos disparamos. Puedes detenerte y decirle a tu cerebro: “Estoy a salvo. No estoy tomando malas decisiones. Estoy estableciendo un límite. Escucho tu pánico, pero estamos bien. Me estoy ocupando de nosotros. Tú Puedes relajarte. Estamos a salvo.
Hacer lo correcto requiere trabajo. El crecimiento es incómodo, pero como los autores mencionan en este artículo, también es difícil permanecer donde has estado y ser infeliz.
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