Link to Spotify
In this episode:
When my patience was pushed to its limits by a friend who saw the glass perpetually half empty, I stumbled upon a profound truth about standing firm in who you are. That’s what this episode is all about: peeling back the layers to be our authentic selves and find the places where we belong without pretense.
Resources:
Six-Week Writing to Heal Program
Transcript:
00:02 – Jessica Dueñas (Host)
Hey y’all, welcome to another episode of Bottomless to Sober. So for today I wanted to talk about the quote, or a quote, by Brene Brown that really resonated with me, and she wrote true belonging doesn’t require that we change who we are. It requires that we be who we are. I’ll say it again True, belonging doesn’t require that we change who we are. It requires that we be who we are. Now you might already have heard that and, like your brain might already be saying like no, jess, being myself can turn people off from me, and then I’ll feel isolated and that’s definitely not a sense of belonging. Trust me, I hear you. It’s a common struggle and it’s a common concern. But here’s what I believe Authenticity will not lead you to belong among people who are wrong for you If someone can’t tolerate the discomfort that you being yourself brings to them, discomfort that you being yourself brings to them. Or, let’s say, their values are so misaligned with yours that you never can agree on important matters. And when I say important, I mean the shit that really counts, right? I’m not saying you know, debating pizza toppings, right, even though I might have to unfriend you if you are anti pineapple. But besides the point, right, like if, when it comes down to serious, important things, you and this person cannot see eye to eye on anything, it might be worth exploring. If that person or those people are right for you, why force yourself to sit at a table that was never meant for you? Maybe your table is elsewhere or maybe it’s time to create a new one for others to.
01:45
For example, there was someone in my life right, and this person was great at identifying problems. They, if you went to a restaurant, they would find a problem with everything. Be rude to the server. If you traveled with them, they would have an issue with people. Complaints right, very confrontational, and then when they were offered an alternative or there was an attempt to deescalate a situation say, on my end, they were not necessarily willing to look at what else could be true, look at what some of their other choices were right. There was just always a complaint about something. There was always a possible confrontation and they just, frankly, they were not interested in hearing alternatives.
02:26
And I realized that that was actually starting to become a drain on me, and so when I pointed it out to this person, they turned around and told me that I was being, I guess, toxically positive, that I was embodying toxic positivity basically, which, for any of you who don’t know what that means, my definition of it. So you should Google it. But my version of the definition is just that someone who embraces or embodies toxic positivity will never look at the multiple perspectives. They will never even consider the downside of something. They’re just so firm on everything being sunshine and rainbows that they’re basically in denial, right and so obviously that can be really toxic and that can be very unhealthy, because you’re denying real valid experiences, and I mean that’s not me. So the point is, when this person called me that, at that point I recognized like wow, we really are too different and we really do approach life’s problems in entirely different manners, and to the point where, when this person is potentially getting into confrontations and altercations with other people, it’s starting to affect me.
03:38
So I sought space from this person and then I eventually realized that I didn’t really care to rekindle the friendship because of the way in which they were carrying themselves. And that’s okay. Right Now, again, you might be listening to this and your thought might be well, geez, I mean, in that case, being authentic can hurt someone else’s feelings and then they’re getting upset with me, like how could I possibly be honest, how could I possibly be real without hurting others’ feelings? Honest, how could I possibly be real without hurting others’ feelings? Right, and here here’s the thing. Like I’d be curious about what kind of hurt feelings you’re talking about, because we can be true to ourselves without tearing others down.
04:24
For example, going back to this friend, you know, after they said that I embodied toxic positivity, I didn’t like go and curse them out and say like, excuse me, what the hell did you just say to me, you negative, ass, miserable, ass person? I didn’t say that, why not? Because that wouldn’t have been helpful, that wouldn’t have been productive, right? Like we don’t need to be called names, we don’t need to be called labels, that’s not helpful. So instead, I don’t remember word for word what I did say, but I did say like hey, first of all, like you know, I’m in recovery and it’s important for me to like intentionally recognize different perspectives, cause if I just stay in a negative mindset for too long, I’m going to be putting myself at risk for drinking.
05:00
So I can’t afford to live in the negative, even when things are bad. I can’t afford to only see that I can see it for some time. I can hold space for the negativity, but I can’t live in it and I can’t stay in it. I have to go through it, right, like anybody who’s listening to this. If you’re in recovery, you know that we can’t live in negativity, we can’t live in the down emotions. We can sit there for a little bit, we can hold space for it, but that can’t become our home, and so that’s basically what I said to this person.
05:32
I was like when you said that I exude toxic positivity, that hurts because I don’t see the world from a blindly positive perspective. I have to recognize that everything isn’t terrible, that everything isn’t terrible all the time. I just can’t. So the way that you insist on only looking at things from a negative perspective, that’s affecting me and I need a break. And so they were respectful of it, right, like, yes, I could tell that they were hurt, but they, we moved on, we created that space and, like I said, we never really rekindled the friendship and that’s okay, right. Like I know that they have their friends, I have my friends, all is good. But this leads me to my point of being authentic, and you know, quote unquote hurting others, the only context where I can imagine your authenticity.
06:28
Hurting someone else is when you’re setting a boundary that they don’t like. Right, because, unless you’re being intentionally hurtful, the only reason that they’re being hurt there is because they’re being now denied a certain type of access to you. Right, boundary setting, setting a limit, creating some space that can happen as a result of practicing authenticity. But again, let’s be clear disappointing someone with a limit, with a boundary, by creating space or asking for space, that is not the same thing as tearing someone down. Right, being true to ourselves doesn’t require us to inflict pain on others. You know, like, we’ve all seen them. You know the people who they claim to be honest or real when they’re just actually being hurtful, and it’s usually like, well, I’m real, and so now I’m going to say something that’s really mean and hurtful and like degrading to you. That’s not being real, that’s being an ass. Right, we can be honest without intentionally causing harm to others. We can be authentic without intentionally causing harm to others.
07:34
So, with that said, what if we adopted the perspective that belonging is about being authentic? How would our approach to others change if we fully embraced our true selves? Right, like, where might we find ourselves fitting in. You got to think about it. If we embraced our true selves, we might start finding spaces and communities that genuinely resonate with us. We might create stronger, more meaningful connections with people who truly get us, and we might stop wasting time and energy trying to fit into places where we were never meant to be in in the first place.
08:09
Belonging isn’t about fitting in. It’s about finding or creating the spaces where we can show up as our true selves. It’s about being accepted as we are, not as who we think we need to be. When we stop pretending and start embracing our true selves, we invite others to do the same and we create a ripple effect of authenticity and belonging. So what I would love for you to do?
08:34
Right, take a moment today at some point and reflect on where you feel the most authenticity. Right, where do you get that true sense of belonging? And if you don’t feel that yet, that’s okay. Right, but what is a step that you can take to move closer to that reality? Maybe you do need to set a boundary. Maybe you do need to find a new community. Maybe you just need to be more honest with yourself or with someone else. So, thank you for listening so much today. I hope that this little conversation myself with myself has inspired you to again just think about who your true self is. Seek out spaces where you can truly belong. Remember you don’t need to change who you are. If someone does not like who you are, it is not a you problem, it is a them problem, it’s their issue. So until next time, stay true to you and I’ll catch you on the next episode.
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